Happiness wanders

Into and out of my life

Hope it’s here to stay.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

This post was written for the SoCS writing prompt by Linda G. Hill.  The prompt today was to use the prefix “inter” in any way you wish.  If you’d like to join the fun, please go to Linda’s page. All the fine details are there.  Here’s the link:  https://lindaghill.com/2017/05/05/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-617/

Interesting, to consider words beginning with “inter”. I think of how interconnected we all are. How the heart tells the brain much much more than the brain tells the heart. How words spoken can have such a ripple effect, thoughts that go out to the universe almost always create something.

My book club up in CT learned how to bend forks by setting an intention in the fork. These were not cheesy cheap forks, they were not bendable except by force. But when we set an intention in them, then let the thought, the intention go, we could each pick up a the fork, and bend it easily. Right in half. It is a simple thing, not so important, I mean who wants to bend forks? They are pretty useless that way! But you never think the same about your thoughts again.

We are all interconnected, interrelated. One night at a group meditation that I went to during my divorce, I had just learned about cutting energetic cords with a person. I cut them with my ex during that meditation. It’s something you do with love. I cut the cords, I said, “Maybe I’ll see you maybe I won’t. Have a good life.” The interconnectedness between us I’m sure are what caused him to 2 or 3 days later show up just when my son was pulling in, in front of the condo I was renting at the time, and make an effort to reconnect with my son. It was the only time in 9 years that they had a break, and tried to reconnect. It didn’t last, because his father just couldn’t stay with it. But I felt like, well, you throw a stone in the water, you never know what will wash up on the shore. For a few weeks my son felt like he had a father again.

We all have those moments, when we are about to call someone and they call us. When we are thinking of someone, and shortly after, they appear in our life. That stuff isn’t happenstance, it’s the interconnectedness of us to each other. It’s the energy going out from our hearts and minds and keeping us connected to each other.

I always have agreed with the Buddha. We are all one thing. Interconnected. All part of the endless circle.

Love and light 

Well he’s out. Back in the tiny cottage he rents next door to our old house which is collapsing around itself. His diagnosis is “delusional disorder.” His sole delusion is that he and I and my son are a happy family. That’s so creepy. It sets me back emotionally to have to think about it. All kinds of triggers this afternoon. They have mostly settled out now.

They sent him home with meds, and he’s supposed to go to an outpatient clinic 3 times a week for 3 hours. They know he won’t go, and that he’ll stop his meds. The doctor told him that the one thing he needs to remember is that I’m in FL and son is in CO and that we are both safe, and he doesn’t need to go to the police about us for anything.

Which is a little scary for me, because I’d rather have him go to the police than take matters into his own hands.

I have a friend who is a therapist tell me that his delusion, about me being held against my will by someone, is what he wants to do to me. Which is scary….really scary. And yes, knowing him I believe it to be true. However, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t still have my address, and couldn’t on his best day make a plan to come down here. I hope he still believes I’m a drug addict now, and will leave me alone. He won’t have my son’s address, since he’s moving.

There is nothing that can creep you out though, more than being the center of the delusion of a certified mentally ill person. Just gives me the creeps.

I’m asking the universe to put a nice normal man in my path. I need to put the past couple weeks in the past and leave them there.  They have been tough.  Just give me a man that can love and be loved and isn’t creepy or an asshole. Doesn’t seem like too much to ask. I didn’t hear back from the guy I blocked this morning. That’s a good thing. He was creepy…

Found out the Senate is not even going to bring the abhorrent health care bill to the floor. They are going to write a new one, lol. A third attempt. I am remembering how many times they tried to repeal the ACA unsuccessfully. 49 or something? Here they go again. 3 and counting. They know they don’t have enough votes to pass it as it is. Which is heartening. I sure hope we #cleanhouse2018.

I laid down for a nap, but as soon as I did a friend called me, and then my son. It’s my son’s 25^th birthday. He’s got a lot going on. His boss let him out early and his friends are taking him out. He’s moving into his apartment Sunday and Monday. He’s one happy kid. He doesn’t ask abouto his dad, and I don’t tell, since I told him his dad was being released today. His father has been written out of his life.

I’ve had a good day. Took my walk by the water, vacuumed my house, spot cleaned the rug in the kitchen, photographed the new pendants my friend and I collaborated on (see below)  they are kind of hand sculpted multi-cultural cameos. Laid down but didn’t sleep, lol. Having a drink. Might go to town for the artwalk tonight. It’s cool today. The rain last night brought in cool air for a couple of days, so it’s a nice change. Then again, I might stay home.

Love and light to all.

I went to bed pretty late last night, for me. Probably close to midnight. I didn’t sleep all that well. I was waking up every hour or two all night but it was ok, because I knew I could sleep late this morning. It’s a cloudy morning, there’s rain around. It’s really kind of lovely. But some guy who I met once, decided that 6:30 would be a good time to text me. I didn’t really like him then, (thus one meeting) and certainly don’t like him any better now, lol. I’ve blocked him now, but who does that? Texts someone they don’t know very well at 6:30 am to tell them to have a wonderful day? Grateful he doesn’t know my last name! So now I am up, and tired, and could have probably slept til 8 since there is not bright sunshine coming through the windows! Oh well, it is what it is.

Then there is this tRumpcare bill that passed the house. I can only shake my head, it’s overwhelming to me that it passed. That we have 217 men in the U.S. House of Representatives that think it’s great. Except of course, that it’s not great enough for them to be covered under it. Of course, they are exempted. Of course. We all need to cry out to our Senators to please stop this bill from becoming law.

What scares me more though is this article from USA Today.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2017/05/04/trump-malignant-narcissistic-disorder-psychiatry-column/101243584/

I have said so many times how tRump is so much like my ex. This psychologist describes tRump as having the same disorder as my ex, along with “malignant narcissism” and describes it in detail. The difference being, of course, my ex does not have his fingers on the nuclear codes and his next psychotic break won’t cause a war to ensue. That’s a real possibility for tRump. He’s quite capable of a psychotic break. He is as close as my ex was a few months ago. It’s a terrifying reality, as described by a Harvard psychologist.  tRump is much more narcissistic than my ex ever was (and he was, for sure, a narcissist). They share these similarities though.

• “A delusion is “a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact”
• “He lies because of his sociopathic tendencies,” Dodes said (the Havard psychologist, Lance Dodes). “There’s also the kind of lying he has that is in a way more serious, that he has a loose grip on reality.”
• ‘flight of ideas.’ It’s a formal thought disorder in which ideas tumble forth through a disordered chain of associations. One word sparks another, which sparks another …”

We’re talking about the President of the United States, the leader of the free world here. Not my inconsequential ex. He’s terrifying. I hope and pray that the Universe will somehow create a path to get him out of the position of power he’s presently in, before he has a real psychotic break as my ex did, and pushes a button that should never be pushed.

This article by George Will in the Washington Post is another articulate piece on tRump’s obvious mental illness.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/trump-has-a-dangerous-disability/2017/05/03/56ca6118-2f6b-11e7-9534-00e4656c22aa_story.html?utm_term=.3a1b93b4f2db&wpisrc=nl_most-draw16&wpmm=1

I can’t say it any better than these two articles did, so I’ll stop talking.

Love and light to all.

Open mic night almost didn’t happen tonight. It actually rained here. For about an hour! I was dressed and ready to leave, picked up my purse and realized it was raining! Almost a foreign concept to me! I do know that in another month it will be raining almost every day for 10 minutes or so. I knew it was the time that they are usually setting up for the night, and wouldn’t be in the rain, since it’s an outdoor venue. My friend Beth called, and we both said we’d go put on our jammies and watch tv. Which I did.

She called me back about 15 minutes later and said she’d just talked to the emcee and they were setting up, the rain and storms were over (there were tornado watches out for many areas) and it was on. So we both changed back and went. It was a really lovely night. The sun came back out the weather was so tropical but not hot. Balmy breezes but temps in the 70’s.

One of the best performers who comes regularly came tonight. He writes all his own music and is extremely talented. He has a couple of songs that are really funny, and one in particular, we all ask him to perform almost every time he’s there. He usually says he can’t because it requires a ukelele and he didn’t bring it. When he performed tonight there were very few people there, because of the rain. So we were just talking while he was up front. Someone asked for this song, called the “O Face song”. He said again, it requires the ukelele. I said, “yeah, but you never bring it and you know we’re going to ask…..” Just teasing him…. He said, “Well it’s in the trunk of my car tonight.” So he sang it.

It’s about how this guy is saying he’s been with this woman a long time and tonight he wants to see her o-face. It’s totally funny and tasteful. He’s a good writer. I video’d him tonight singing it because I wanted to have the words. (He got nervous after and said, “please don’t post it”. I said, “Rick, I’d never do that. I really just wanted to show a couple girlfriends who never make it here.” I didn’t tell him I wanted the words for a blog, lol. But I will give him the credit, and I won’t write them all. Just a few verses.

We decided that the women like it because it’s about a man wanting to take care of his woman, wanting to make her happy.  One of my friends told him that, and he told her she was very perceptive.  (I added, confidentially to my friend only, that it maybe was especially funny to someone who’s been in 16 months of involuntary celibacy, lol) Then she added a joke, “Why do women fake orgasm?” “Because they think men care.” And apparently some men do care, because Rick wrote this song about a man wanting to please his woman in bed, and see her face when he did. These are some of the words.

I wanna see your O face
I wanna see your eyes rolling back in your head.
I wanna see your toes curling
You bad bad girl
I wanna know you in the biblical way
It ain’t condensation
I be stimulatin
Somethin a little sweeter than I’m anticipatin
It’s your o-face
Show me your O face.

I’ve seen your mad face
Your sad face
Your pissy face
Your kissy face
Your does this make my butt look fat face
your pouty face
Your grouchy face
Your keep it up boy I’m outta here face
But your O face baby
It’s time to see your O face.

There are a lot more verses to it, I just wanted to give you an idea. Imagine the kind of high pitched sound of a ukelele with a sing-songy kind of melody. It’s hysterical. The audience always loves it.

So it was a fun night. I had a couple glasses of wine and by the end of the evening, they had a medium sized crowd that I guess decided the rain wasn’t coming back tonight. It turned out to be a fun night.

Love and light, everyone.

I think it’s time for me to put this up here again.  I fell asleep saying it like a mantra last night, and will try to remember to say it again throughout the day today.  Its something I learned about during Reiki training.   It’s a traditional Hawaiian prayer of reconciliation and forgiveness.  You say it to yourself, about yourself.  Because we are all so connected, loving yourself, forgiving yourself extends to everyone, and particularly the person who is the focus of the prayer.

This link tells how a therapist in Hawaii used it to heal a whole ward of criminally insane men.  It’s actually documented. http://www.wanttoknow.info/070701imsorryiloveyoujoevitale

This is the Wiki link:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ho%CA%BBoponopono

Love and light to all.

My ex is being released from the hospital tomorrow. They can’t hold him legally more than 15 days unless he’s a threat to himself and others. He’s taking the meds, orally, because he hates needles so much. The social worker said he is much less angry and confrontational when they present him with the actual truth since taking the meds, but that he has this fixed delusion about me and my son which does not change. At this point, it is mostly about my son. He’s apparently written me off, since I would not support him in the delusion that I was in CT spending the week with him. At the hearing about his meds, he told them, “Don’t listen to my wife, she’s a drug addict.” He firmly believes my son lives in CT, and is coming to see him at any moment. He comes up with a new excuse every time he doesn’t show up. The latest is that “his mother made him bring some stuff to Florida so he has to drive down there.”

She said he seems quite functional in every other aspect of his life. He talks about needing to get home and pay his bills. They tested him for dementia and there is none. He’s simply delusional. I didn’t get the actual diagnosis but have a call into her again, now, just to ask that question.

I am not particularly upset that he’s being released. He won’t take his meds, and will become more delusional as a result, but we just have to wait for that to happen and they’ll bring him back. I don’t think he’s capable of coming down here, nor would want to, now that I’m a drug addict. My son is moving so even if he had his address, he won’t as of next week. I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t remember that he got it, let alone could figure out how to get to CO. My sister is somewhat concerned, but the social worker said he has not brought his old home into the delusion at all. I advised her to call the police anyway, aprise them of the situation, so that if she needs them they will take it seriously.

The one good thing is that she and I have now re-established a relationship. We used to be close. When my ex started a fight with me the day before I was scheduled to be induced into labor, it was to her house I went, and she went with me to the hospital and spent the day with me. The falling out was a result of my ex wanting to isolate my son and I from his family, and from her somewhat intuitive knowledge that he only brought chaos into people’s lives. She no longer thinks that I talk to him, or in any way would talk to him about her. She said when I come to CT in the fall, she hopes I’ll stop by and see her.

I spoke to my son and told him about his dad being released.  I said to him that the lesson is “don’t isolate yourself from the world, ever.  Cultivate and maintain people in your life.  We’re social animals.  We need other people in our lives.”  He agreed, and seriously, he’s one of the most social people I know, lol.  I once said to him, “Someday you may want your own place, by yourself.”  He said, “no, I need people around.  I don’t want to live alone.”  I’m grateful for that.  Very grateful.

So ends another chapter of ridiculous drama in my life. I have a feeling there will be more, with him, before it’s over. Perhaps though, I won’t be as directly involved. It’s another hope I have.

Love and light, everyone.

I was texting with a girlfriend today and said something to her to which she answered “hopefully.”

I thought about it and said, “I’ve been saying that a lot lately. Hopefully.” I stopped to think why.

I guess first, I was hopeful about a lot of things around my ex’s hospitalization. Hopeful that he’d get help. Hopeful that he’d be committed for longer than he has been. Hopeful that he’d quit calling me, to try to get me to back up his delusions. Now I hope that he won’t hurt anyone when he gets out. I hope I don’t worry about it.

Then there is my friend, and I’m hopeful that someday he addresses the problems that caused our falling out. Not necessarily with me, but at least with himself. I hope he can be happy.

There is my son. He’s started his new promotion this week, as manager of his own store, a new store. He’s moving into his first apartment with a friend, out of the house where he’s been renting a room. I hope he continues his success at work, because it makes him happy, and feel good, and supports him. I hope he is successful with his passion of mixing music. I hope he finds a wonderful girl. And I hope most of all, that he’s happy. That he has a happy life. So far so good.

Me? I hope I continue to have a happy life here. I hope I meet a man who just wants to love me and be with me. Just me. I hope I lose 10 more lbs.

I hope my friends are happy. I hope tRump doesn’t blow the world up. I hope when we die, we don’t.

Love and light, to all.

Amaretto on the rock at 1:30 in the morning. Not sure it’s wise, but it is, for a fact. It is. Woke up and my psyche was on overload. Why?

Oh, I don’t know. I was sitting on my couch last night, having dinner, watching TV, which is normally what I do when I’m alone. I’d had a decent day, having got a back massage, taken a walk at the water, gone to the fresh market. I had to deal with some issues around my ex, but weren’t any big deal. I had texted with the friend I had a falling out with during the day, but it was nothing substantive. Just “how’s your day going” kind of stuff. Like sticking a toe in the water to see if it’s hot or not. There I was then, just sitting, minding my own business and quite content, when I was asked (via text) if I was “hostile”. WTF? Why in the world would you ask someone that question? It seems arrogant, at best, to ask that question. Like asking “Are you an asshole?” “Are you a drunk?” “Are you stupid?”

I mean, how juvenile and condescending is that question? Was I supposed to have given it respect and a serious answer? Like it was a normal question to ask? The kind of question you’d ask if you WANTED to piss off someone you really should talk to, so you could make up a story in your head about why you didn’t talk to them when you know you probably should, but you know it will be a hard conversation.

I addressed, later, what I thought the concerns and the problem was with this person, in a kind and loving way, but there’s no response. And that in itself is response enough for me. Really, I don’t care if we talk or not. I have no interest in a confrontation. From that question, I can tell he is ready for one. Typical. Glad he chose not to. I thought I had let go of it and fell right to sleep.

At 1:30 AM, apparently my mind thought it was a good time to deal with all the extraneous stuff that came with that question. Along with some stuff with my ex.

I have a call into the social worker at the hospital, to find out if my ex is now taking the meds, and to see when and if release will beconsidered. And to tell them about the condition of the house he moved out of 18 months ago. Oh and to tell them that he was able to contact his landlord and that he asked his landlord for a ride home when he gets out of the hospital. The landlord thought he sounded “just fine.”

My sister-in-law law and I spoke last night for awhile, because now he’s calling her with his urgent message, “Call me right back.” And of course, she’s new to this, and doesn’t want to talk to him. Doesn’t want to open that door to being someone he believes will listen to him. Was nervous and a little frightened about not talking to him. She feels guilty not responding to him, and I totally get that. I was there for a long time. I know better now.

I explained to her that if there was some emergency, they would have called me (since I’m their contact person). That most likely he had created some new delusion which involved her. I told her I would not answer the phone when he called, and to let it go to voice mail, since he was calling on her landline and neither she nor I know how to block a number on a land line.

The ongoing issues with him, that actually require my involvement, didn’t help last night, especially when combined with my alleged “hostility”. My mind was slamming into walls everywhere I turned, so I turned here, and wrote it out in stream of consciousness. Wisely I left it til this morning, and realized is was not fit for publication, lol. Rambling, from one thought to another. It was all there, in a very rough draft.

My friend whose car died called me last night and apparently the bus takes her two hours to get home on. She’s looking for a ride home from her volunteer job, and I feel for her, but I don’t want to be obligated to give up an hour of my day constantly. She wanted me to pick her up and run some errands. I told her I would pick her up Thursday so she could go to open mic and asked if we couldn’t run the errands then. Feeling guilty but she needs to deal with her own stuff in life. I have spent at least 3 whole days out of the last 10 driving her around, to run errands, get to the dr., etc. It’s not like I’m not helping her out. Last week, I picked her up, took her to open mic, let her stay at my house overnight, took her home in the morning and then to her volunteer job on the other side of town. Then she spent the next 5 days with her grandkids, and as soon as she was back wanted me to run her around again. Setting boundaries….no. I will not do it every day.

I’m getting better at the boundaries thing. Finding out I have to set them, to keep myself sane.

Guess I’ll go get dressed and take a walk before it hits 90° again. And call the social worker again. Love and light.