Is it just me?

I took my childhood friend to a dr. appt. today. Not a big deal, I had told her I would because she has no car. The appointment was for 3:30. I told her I had a dinner date after that, but since I should have her back home by 5 after the appointment, that it was all good.

When I picked her up and she got in the car she said told me she also needed to make a stop at Walmart. It would only take 10 minutes. I reluctantly agreed, because she doesn’t have a car, and she needed to send a moneygram somewhere. Shouldn’t she have asked me if it was ok? Instead of just said she needed to stop there?  I got her to Walmart at 4:30, expected her out at 4:45, but she didn’t come out til like 5:10 with a cart with about 4 or 5 bags of groceries. She’d decided to go grocery shopping too while she was there.  Again, is it just me, or shouldn’t she have told me she needed to do some shopping too, and maybe asked if there was time, since she knew I had plans?  And, when she comes back she’s drags some guy to the car with her to see if we have time for him to fill out paperwork to give her a free phone.  (An Obama phone, she called it.  Free for those who are on food stamps, which apparently she is, which I didn’t know til today.”  I said, “I’m already running late.” Because I still had to take her home 15 or 20 minutes away.

I dropped her off at her house at 5:25, and left, a half hour late.

I was a little angry. I tried not to be. I can’t imagine what it must be like to reach retirement age and have nothing, not 2 nickels to rub together. But still, I don’t think being broke is a good reason to disrespect my time and efforts.

Not to mention, I’ve now driven 15 miles and 2 hours of my time without even the thought of giving me gas money or anything. And this is not the first time. I’ve spent probably 3 or 4 full days since her car died driving her around. But now, I’m kind of feeling like I’ve become her ride, like dial-a-ride or something.

Ok, rant over.  It’s not a huge deal, but I guess I thought she was a better friend than that.

On the bright side, my dinner date was awesome.

Small irritations. I guess I should just be grateful for all my blessings, which are many.

Love and light.

I went to open mic tonight, hoping for a nice evening with my friends. But as it turned out, although I did enjoy my friends and the performers, it was actually pretty hectic for me.

I felt like Grand Central for texting. My son has had one issue after another with his auto insurance since the mega hailstorm in CO on Monday. It turns out the insurance never changed him over to CO from CT. It wasn’t a problem with coverage, they had to cover him since he paid all his premiums. But they now sent him a new bill for double the premiums. He was freaked out, his money is tight since he just moved.

Then there is another issue that when he registered his car, they never sent him the actual reg. So when the insurance co. went to look it up, there was no record of it. He has CO plates but there is no record of them. So the state has to refund him his registration fees, and then he has to register the car. Which would be no problem except now the service engine light is on now so that has to be fixed before he can register the car because it won’t pass emissions if he doesn’t.

Poor kid. Such a hassle.

Then, I took a paintinig my sis did of the restaurant where open mic is held. I showed it to the two owners, and they fell in love with it. I think they are going to buy it. If not, they’ll hang it up for sale. But one partner came over to me, and said she was pretty sure they wanted to own it. So, I was texting my sis back and forth about it.

Add to that a man I used to work with texted me. We texted about a week ago, and I was kind of surprised to hear from him again. He’s the man whose wife, also my friend, has had lung cancer for 5 years, which is now metastisized into her brain. She’s holding her own. There’s been no change for quite some time. She’s still working. But apparently he has a tumor on his eyelid, and I guess he’s talking to me because he probably just needs to vent, and doesn’t want to unload on his wife that much. He and I got to be close friends when we worked together. I told him about my niece who is undergoing radiation treatment for a sarcoma in her shoulder. I chatted with him for some time, texting, because I just felt he needed an ear.

My guy friend who always sits with me has not been there for the last couple of weeks because his son was here visiting, and then took him to a family vacation on Cape Hatteras for a week. He came tonight and sat beside me as usual. I told him all the bad news that came down on me the last two weeks, because I kind of apologized for texting so much and I didn’t get to catch up with him as I usually do.

When the night was over, he handed me a belated birthday card. He hadn’t been here for my birthday. I didn’t even think about it. He’s such a sweet man. So with all that bad news, the universe gave me something to smile about. I am so blessed to have been able to make such good friends here.

It’s time for bed now. I have a fairly busy day tomorrow, so I better go try to get some sleep. What a hectic night. But it ended well.

Love and light to all.

Walking the floor in the middle of the night again. Memories, and dreams alternately running through my mind. Sad, and sweet, and hopeful, and uncertain. Dark taking turns with light inside my cerebrum. Additional worries flit through my mind. My son’s car severely damaged in the hailstorm Denver had. Wondering if my ex will have another psychotic break and what he will do this time. As if I know it will happen, but when?  Will he leave me out of it next time, or will he put me back in the center of it?

I sat down, and let my stream of consciousness flow onto the page. I was exhausted, I had no light on, save my Tibetan salt lamp. I could read all my typos, but couldn’t find the backspace or delete key so left them. I wrote only two short paragraphs, and then went back to bed and slept soundly for 5 or 6 hours. This morning, I corrected the typos and saved it under “Unpublished Stuff.” I’m beginning to have quite a collection there.

Today I think I’ll just regroup. Take a walk by the water. Make some more jewelry. Read. Maybe take a nap because I have open mic tonight. I’ll call my girlfriend, the one I grew up with, and pick her up so she can go to open mic. I’ll have to take her home too, but that’s ok. I think her presence would be good for me, because she’s so familiar. Because we can reach back so far in our joint memory. It might help ground me.

I know what I want. I know what I don’t want. Choices are not so clear cut though. They are each some of the things I want and some of the things I don’t. Some choices have not yet develooped into a clear cut choice, and I can only hope I’m on the right path with them. I can only trust that the universe is driving this train.

I meditate, trying to find stillness. Today it was hard. I pray, asking for all those I love to be safe. I sip my coffee, trying to find my way into the day. Slowly, I collect myself. I vow to stay in the present moment today, and let life flow. Need to live like water.

Love and light.

The words were held back
A withholding,
Not to be spoken
Until the danger was iminent.

Held back too long,
The drowning man didn’t raise his voice
Until the woman was out of reach
And could no longer touch his hand.

The depths between them
Might have been less
If he’d said them before
When she longed to hear them.

Instead, they were withheld.
Spoken as the space between them
Became wider and deeper.
Too late.

The woman prays for him.
She hopes he was able to save himself
She hopes he was not sucked under by the darkness.
Love always.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Pinterest

I read my Aries horoscope this morning, and there was a reference in it to the Golden Fleece. Having time on my hands now that I’m retired, I decided to look up the actual myth and see what it referred to.

I have believed that Aries the ram is known for head butting their way around. I have to admit, that I can be aggressive and when I know what I want, push until I get it.

The actual ram which symbolizes Aries, I found out this morning, is a WINGED ram. I never knew that. The myth is that the winged ram saved the powerless children of King Althamas and his first wife Nephele. Althamus had been convinced by his jealous second wife that the children must be sacrified.

The ram was sired by Poseiden, god of the sea, and Theophane, a granddaughter of Helios, the sun god. The children of Nephele were saved by this golden ram, who put them on his back and flew them across the sea to safety. Nephele’s daughter fell off the winged ram, into the sea, in the strait now named for her. The ram was later sacrificed by the son Phrixus to the Poseiden. The golden fleece was hung on a tree guarded by bulls with brass hoves and breath of fire, and a dragon whose teeth became soldiers when planted in the ground. The winged ram, upon sacrifice, became the constellation Aries.

Thus I discovered that while we Aries are aggressive, we generally use that agression to help the powerless. And when I read that I thought, Oh yeah. I spent a good deal of my life trying to save people who were lost. Lost in a way that they did not know their own worth. The winged ram did not push with his horns to save the children, he didn’t fight with anyone. He simply carried them on his strong back and flew them away from danger.

Somehow, that fine point of description of an Aries made me like my sign better. The strength, and aggressiveness of the Winged Ram is combined with a wish to save powerless, endangered people. The strength of Aries the Winged Ram is in his back. The shiny golden fleece makes them attractive to those who are ready for betrayal, according to astrology-zodiac-signs.com.

Which all hits home for me. I had a perception that I must always be aware of my tendency to push my agenda on others. That I was a ram, aggressive and pushy. With big horns, ready to butt my way into things. As it turns out I am a winged ram, who was not known for fighting, or pushing, but for saving people, for being courageous. Attracting people who want to be saved, as well as those who just want the golden fleece or some part of it. I think I’ve found both, sometimes in the same person. I still have all the other Aries traits, lol, like being impatient and short tempered. Well, we are all a work in progress, aren’t we?

It was an interesting foray into Greek mythology. It gave me some additional insight into my sign, and thus a better kind of understanding of myself. I’ll be honest though….I don’t want a relationship that involves saving anyone at this stage of my life. I am really looking for someone who has the strength and ability to save themselves. Just looking for a mutual admiration society, lol.

Love and light, all.

From my dear friend trE, at A Cornered Gurl. She does a lot of amazing work. Check her out!!!

It’s quiet on the waterfront this morning.  The sun is bright, the sky very blue. A few white puffy clouds drift by on the light breeze. 

Walking down the long fishing pier I find a heron and an egret, not far from the lone fisherman, hoping he’ll throw a fish or two their way. 

The smell of breakfasts from the outdoor cafes permeates the air until I get to the far end of my walk. Then the smell is of salt air, and the fragrant flowers that line parts of the path. 

There are a few other lone souls out for a walk this morning. Some really working at the exercise. Some are like me,exercising but also trying to take in the peace of the sea. Some are out for a smoke, from the nearby condominiums on one end of the sidewalks.  There are two fishermen in the water, thigh high, casting nets at times. They tow a small rowboat with them, for the catch I suppose. 

The water has a few light ripples on it. The boats lay at anchor, lazily, anchor lines slack from the bow into the water. 

I remember mornings at sea like this,  moving imperceptibly back and forth on the anchor. Sipping my coffee, watching this world wake up.  So present in the moment, so content.  The sea lives in a different space and time than the land. The clocks follow the ebb and glow of the water.  The activities of the day are determined by the stiffness of the breeze, the height of the waves. 

It’s a present moment meditation along the water in the off season. I breathe the salt air in deeply and let go of all except this moment. 

Love and light …