I was supposed to go to the beach today. I was totally looking forward it. We were going to spend a couple hours vegging in the sun, then get a bite to eat and a drink maybe at one of the places on the water. It’s been so hot here, as it has up and down the east coast. It’s expected here, but not in Portland Maine, lol. Last night at open mic I had on my lightest shirt, and I was still hot. Was happy to get home to my AC, to be honest, though the show was good.

However, I slept so poorly last night. For many reasons. I woke up after maybe an hour or two of sleep and every joint in my body was sore. I’m thinking that’s because I’ve been out of tumeric for a few days. I got up, made coffee and then my stomach started churning. Broke out in a drenching sweat. I sat for awhile, fell asleep on the couch, but called off the beach for sure. I think I got dehydrated. Not good to only drink wine (2 glasses) when it’s that hot. Needed water.

So, here I sit, sipping, finally, a cup of coffee. Getting a bite to eat. Getting straightened out. Maybe we can do the beach Saturday or Sunday. There are t-storms predicted for this afternoon and it’s already cloudy, although down here t-storms are almost a daily occurrence as we get into the summer. I won’t have to water my plants. I know a nice long nap is in my future this afternoon. I don’t really want to go anywhere.

A friend gave me a book on astrology last night at open mic. I’ve gotten into it a lot more lately, and she is very into it. So that might be interesting to read. I could sit out on the deck with a book and a tall glass of water, or many of them.

Let the day unfold. Love and light.

Contentment is not something I’ve felt often. I am an Aries….I know what I want, I go for what I want. I don’t give up until either I get it, or I am sure that I’ve done everything I can to get it, but it’s just not going to happen. In either case, I don’t sit with it too long. If I’ve gotten it, I’ll set a new goal, and try to move forward along that path. The same, if I couldn’t get what I wanted, I will set a new goal, but move along that different, new path. Adjusting.

Every once in a great while, though, I find contentment. Happy with where I am, and not particulary in a mood to move in any direction. Just luxuriating in the present moment, the way things are. The is-ness of life. What a lovely thing it is.

This morning I sit my comfy, cushy couch, reading emails, and FB. I am a little tired this morning, I could have used a couple more hours of sleep. I never could sleep though, once the sun is up. I can take a nap easily enough. In fact, I remarked to my sister the other day how easily I can fall asleep for an hour-long nap, but how hard it is to fall asleep at night sometimes, or stay asleep, or get back to sleep when I wake up. What is that all about? But I digress.

I am on my comfy couch, laptop in my lap, and I feel content, even though I’m tired. I am happy at the moment with the way things are. I love my home, I have friends and family, I have a kind and loving man in my life who treats me like something rare and special. Tonight is open mic, he’s going with me. I invited him but told him it was completely up to him, if he felt ready for “prime time”, lol, because basically he will meeet all of my friends. He wants to go. He has a willingness to be vulnerable, which in my experience, is a rare thing for a man.

So far, he has only deposited marbles in my jar. He’s not dumped any out. Each day I am able to trust a little more, and fear a little less. I hope I’ve done the same for him.

My friend in upstate NY, who is a psychic, intuitive, Reiki master and has helped me through a number of things in my life gave me a wall hanging with Gandhi’s quote “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I think that also defines contentment.

I have to say too, that I’m glad to see the tRump presidency imploding. I have said that I felt that’s what would happen. And it comes to be. No one, not even a powerful billionaire, can continue to lie, and decieve, to speak without thinking and put feeding their ego as a top priority, and not eventually become undone by it. As humans we are hardwired for connection and compassion. If we deny that over and over, we are doomed to constantly repeat the same mistakes, never learning the lesson.

My life is, right now, what I dreamed of. I guess that is the physical law of attraction, the way thoughts become things. It reminds me of when I finally got my supreme court decision, and some money, and moved into the house I’d been dreaming of for so long. Will this last? I have no way of knowing. It’s possible to set a new goal, I am realizing, and move toward it contentedly. There is no need of huge upheavals, and drama. I can start where I am, and make it better each day.

Food for thought. Love and light to all.

Last night a few of my girlfriends came over, ostensibly our writer’s group. We do talk about writing, a little, lol. I read them “Gecko Porn”, lol. But we mostly just talk, and drink wine, and smoke a little. We get into some philosophical discussions too, which is interesting. We are all like minded. We cover everything from tRump to spirit.

We decided to order a pizza, and watch my copy of Tom Shadyac’s movie I AM. He’s the man who made all the Jim Carey movies, and award winning director. However this is a documentary, where he asks some of the greatest minds two questions, “What is wrong with this world?” and “What can we do about it?” Because he’s a man who has made some of the most hilarious movies ever, it’s a documentary that is fun and interesting.

What he comes up with, in the end….is that we are as a species, hard-wired for connection, for democracy, to care and nurture. Greed is not a natural state for us. The economy is not a living thing, it is something we created. And the answer is love. At the very end, the statement is, “John Lennon was right. All we need is love.”

The girls loved the movie. It’s uplifting and gives one hope that perhaps there’s a way out of this mess that we all find ourselves living in, especially these days. Most of us are of the mind that what happens is what is supposed to happen. The thought has been raised before among us, and was again last night, that perhaps tRump’s role is to show us how bad it can be when we allow greed, and fear, and lack to run our lives, instead of compassion, and love, and abundance.

My God, there is enough on this planet so that no one should be hungry. No one should be suffering, if we just made taking care of each other a priority. One of the brilliant minds (I can’t remember which one) said something like, Corportions can make money, but they need to have a conscience, and recognize that there is another economy that needs to be taken care of. The people among us who are the least among us.

I’ve said before that our collective character as a species is measured by how we care for the least among us. Which makes me quite liberal, because I cannot justify General Electric paying NO TAXES, while there are homeless and hungry, sick and dying people on the street, while so many have, (or might lose), access to health care. I look at tRump, worth what? $30 billion? Wouldn’t $1 billion be enough? I don’t know. What can you buy with $30 billion that you can’t buy with $1 billion?

It’s not that I’m against people making money, good money. I’m against them hoarding it, and believing that there is never enough, and so, never having enough. Taking it out of the economy completely, so that it does no one any good, except for their own egos, to look at their vast holdings and think it makes them superior to the man in the street who is looking for shoes on a cold winter morning.

Well, enough of a rant for this morning. I am blessed, I have enough. If I need something, I have it and have the means to live a lovely little life. I have amazing friends, and family. I wake up most days looking forward to my day. I wish that for all people. Like the Buddhist Metta prayer below. Love and light, all.

I am trying not to write too much about my personal life anymore. I guess my blog has just evolved from being used as a journal, to trying to address bigger issues, deeper thoughts than just what’s going on in my life. I have written a lot of blogs on finding happiness with a man. Happiness without drama, without pain. I actually had begun to think I wouldn’t find it, because it seems like I’ve been searching forever.

I think though, I may have found him. I’ve met a man, who is kind, and loving, and funny. He’s from Boston, so we have New England in common, and he has that “Pahk the cah” accent, which is comforting in a land of Southern accents. He has a wonderful life of his own with a close relationship to his family and many friends, and has begun to include me in it. He is considerate, and thoughtful. He opens doors for me, walks on the outside. Has brought me flowers, gave me chocolates and a card for Mother’s Day. He makes me feel like I matter, like I’m precious to him. I had forgotten, if I ever even knew, what it was like to be treated well by a man.

It’s early, it’s only 2 weeks in. Just saying, we spent a lot of time talking (he can actually talk more than me, which is cool….) and we both feel so comfortable with each other. No head games going on. No fears. No walls up. Easy. He’s easy to be with.

I won’t be writing too much about this relationship. I learned my lesson on that. I did tell him about the blog. He was interested, he didn’t ask to read it, and the more I get know him, the less I fear letting him access the blog. I don’t think he’d be intimidated by what he reads, if he read it. And somehow, I think that for both of us, the past is the past.

I’m writing about this today, because I’m pretty sure going forward, I may mention him in passing, when I write. And also, just to share the happiness I’m feeling. Blessed, as always…..

Love and light.

Mother’s Day was a day for me to remember how blessed I am. My sis and I piddled around all morning til about 11:30 when we decided to put on our bathing suits, grab a couple beach chairs and drive the 2 blocks to the beach. The weather was perfect and clear, and there was a nice breeze. The surf was still rolling in after last night thunderstorms, and the wind which blew all day yesterday, bringing the storms in. We hung out there for about an hour, maybe hour and a half.

We went home, had a nice small lunch, and then both of us took naps. Neither of us slept well last night. I have not been sleeping well since all the insanity 3 weeks ago with my ex. So, I took a nice long nap today. I had a nice conversation with my son late in the day.

Then two of my sister’s friends came over, and we had drinks and swam in the pool. One friend has leukemia. Her husband had a leg amputated about 2 years ago and is in a wheel chair. Their daughter has MS. They are two of the most upbeat positive people you can imagine.

The other woman brought a bottle of champagne. She was really in need of a break of down time. Her husband has lung cancer, and is down to about 100 lbs and not doing well. He was just diagnosed last October. She seems to have somehow learned to stay in the moment. She is handling it so well, watching her husband lose a little ground every day. She knows he is not long for this world, but still manages to smile and be present in her life.

Both of these couples are snowbirds, but have stayed here a little past the normal point of going home, like my sister has. Because it’s just easier to stay. The weather has been good, it’s easy to get out and get around. I listen to their stories, and I only think how blessed I am.

Yeah I have a crazy ex. I have a few issues of my own health, but it’s good overall. Somehow I made it to Florida to retire, comfortably. If I ever get down, I have to think about these two women who are caretakers for their husbands, who seem to be positive, and finding a way through the losses. I have nothing to ever complain about, really.

My sister invited both couples to come for dinner. Only one couple came. The one with leukemia, the husband with the amputated leg and daughter with MS. The dying husband of the other couple can’t eat right now, because of lesions in his mouth and esophagus caused by the chemo. She brought us homemade red velvet cupcakes to have for desert.

There’s a lesson to be learned from them. How to get through real hardship with grace. And to be grateful, always just grateful.

Feeling bad for my friends up north. They had a nor’easter this weekend, through tomorrow I guess. Cold, and pouring rain, and probably windy too. It was windy here yesterday and 90. Today in the low 80’s and a breeze just to keep things bearable. How lucky am I to have ended up here? With family and friends and close to the ocean? And my health, relatively in tact? I saw today with these women, my sister’s friends but also my friends now too, since I’m here often enough to get to know them.

Blessed, just blessed. Love and light to everyone.

My sister and her husband took us to the Improv last night. It was hilarious. 2 hours of belly laughing. It was a small dinner theater (which we didn’t know, and had already gone out to eat). Held maybe 200 people. It was a really enjoyable way to spend the evening.

We had all thought we’d have to stay up to watch SNL last night, we knew it was going to be hysterical with so much fodder from the White House last week, especiall Sean Spicer. But we were all too tired to stay up when we got home, so I’ve been watching the clips, and yup. It’s hysterical.

I did not admonish my friend for her treatment of me Friday. We’ve talked since, but I just didn’t want to go there. We have been friends for so long. I thought better for me to just learn a lesson with her than try to extract any apology or even comprehension of her behavior. She’s in a bad place and I know this.

Made me think a bit about apologies though. I remembered the defining act that made me file for divorce, 6 months after I’d moved out of the house. My ex had had then what I now know to be a precursor of psychotic breaks. He woke up from a drunk, after passing out on the living room floor, and accused my son of trying to kill him, in the middle of the night, and I had to go pick my then 15 yr old son up from his house in the middle of the night.

The next day when it was sorted out, and he realized that son was not trying to kill him, I told him that he owed us all an apology. He said very smart-alecy, “Oh I’m sorry I was tired.” I said, “Tired is not what you did wrong.” He never did, and never could acknowledge and own what he did.

Isn’t that typical of a narcissist? To traumatize you beyond belief, and then apolgize for something different? There had been times when he’d said, “Oh I’m sorry.” or “I am sorry” but when pressed, to find out what he was sorry for, couldn’t speak to it.

As far as I’m concerned if a person really wants to put forth an apology, and make amends they will recognize and be accountable for their actions and tell you. They will want you to know that they understand what was unacceptable about their behavior, and try to make you believe it won’t happen again. Blanket apologies, or, in this case, an apology for something which was not the issue, just don’t work. They are meaningless. They only acknowledge that they’ve done something wrong. But what? Accuse your son falsely? Wake you up and traumatize you in the middle of the night? Ask you to accept behavior that’s unacceptable?

“I’m sorry for accusing our son. I’m sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night. I’m sorry for thinking such a horrible thing about him.” That would have been acceptable. But “I’m sorry I was tired (read drunk)” or just “I’m sorry” is not, after traumatizing someone that loves, or loved, you. It’s such a feeble attempt. It says to me that the person does not want to recognize the damage that was done, just wants to be able to tell themselves they said they were sorry. It may make them feel better, but does little to assuage the pain they caused.

Anyway, rant over. I forgive my friend, but learned my lesson. I won’t drive her around any more unless I know exactly what stops she needs to make and for how long. It’s not like it traumatized me, or even caused me any real difficulty. It was disrespectful, and I know that she didn’t really mean to disrespect me. And that she appreciated what I did for her, which she told me profusely, which was nice and let me know that she knows I went out of my way for her.

So today is Mother’s Day. My new friend gave me a box of chocolates and a card, which I totally did not expect, but it was so sweet. Literally, lol. I gave my sister a bouquet of flowers because I told her she’s always channeling my mother for me, and I used to give Mom flowers on Mother’s Day, so I was giving them to her instead. Nice to be hanging around with thoughtful, loving people.

Today sis and I might go down to the beach for a little while. It’s so nice to be so close to the beach that you don’t have to pack up the car and food and all. Grab a bottle of water, a beach towel and a beach chair. Or, hang out by the pool. Just chillaxin’. A perfect way to spend Mother’s Day. It rained last night, for the first time in ages for about an hour. A nice soaking rain. Today the temp is in the low 80’s, and dry. A perfect day to be by the water. Which is, of course, my favorite place.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms. Love and light.

Making some headway on my son’s car issues. I contacted a friend of mine who owns an Allstate office in Colorado Springs. He’s gotten a couple of quotes too. So next week we’ll bind them over for June. Monday he’s taking the car into deal with the “service engine” light. We still have not figured out why his license and registration don’t show up in a DMV search. Anyway he’s calmed.

Poor kid, just hit with a lot of crap at once. Moving the day of the hailstorm. His car getting so damaged, and he’s a car freak. He is meticulous with that car’s appearance, and now it’s all dented and he’ll have to come up with the deductible to get it fixed.

I’m heading over to the island to my sisters today for Mother’s Day. We’re going to an improv theater tonight, and her hubby is taking us out for dinner first. So nice! What a treat! Tomorrow I don’t expect we’ll do much but hang out at the pool, maybe go to the beach. I might take them out for breakfast if we can think of a place that won’t be mobbed on Mother’s Day. It’s going to be nice to hang out with them for a couple days. I kind of need the break after all the insanity, literal, lol, of the last couple of weeks.

Speaking of which, there’s been no noise from my ex since he was released. I just hope it lasts. I learned to wait for the other shoe to drop with him, my whole life. I’m hoping all the shoes are on the floor now.

Time to get ready for sisters house. Hope everyone has a great weekend. Love and light.