Listening to the things tRump says is an awful lot like listening to my ex’s delusions. He makes it up, and then when confronted with the truth, makes up another. I don’t know if tRump actually believes the stuff he says, as my ex does. But it’s scary to me that he’s in the position he is, and so capable of making stuff up, because that’s what my ex did until one day he just broke from reality and began to actually believe the shit he made up.

His bit about the Civil War and Andrew Jackson, I mean really? Andy Borowitz said #youdumbfuck. But it’s much scarier than that. It is stupid, but the fact that the man says the stuff he does and is serious, and wants to be taken seriously, is utterly frightening. I just hope he will have an undeniable, fairly safe psychotic break that someone recognizes and just send him off to the hospital before he decides we have to start a war, or something else vile.

I really am not being politcal here, I am watching the parallel stages of my ex and tRump. So much alike, except one is wealthy and has power, and one allowed himself to fall into ruin and has no power (even though he still deludes himself that he does.) I have seen this parallel since the Orange one was a candidate, and it has frightened me, triggered me, since then to even watch the man. So I don’t…Just like I won’t talk to my ex.

I plan to call the social worker today about my ex. I want to know if he’s now taking his meds. I also want to advise them that there was a huge mold problem in my old house when my ex lived there. Because prolonged exposure to the mold may add to the other causes of his psychosis. Apparently since I left, the roof has a huge hole in it, allowing the rain to free-fall into it, and critters to get in. When I think of all the money the man had, and just let slip through his fingers in the unconscious state of his alcoholism, it is mind blowing. Why? There is no answer, it’s why he’s where he is now.

I know alcoholism is an illness. I also know it’s one people give themselves, and only they can heal it. It has disrupted my life so many times. Why is it I can have a glass or two of wine, or a couple of Margaritas and then stop? And stop because I want to, because I don’t enjoy any more than that? Yet someone like my ex could not stop until he was passed out. And then could repeat it again, the next day? There is a gene for it, but I also tend to think that when you have to earn your parents unconditional love, you grow up thinking you are not lovable just for existing, in your own right, and that causes the basic emotion of shame, being ashamed because you believe you are not good enough to just love, just because you’re here.

My ex had both issues. His parents made him earn their love and took it away when he didn’t perform to their expectation, and was beaten by his own father until he was bigger and stronger than his own father. His grandfather was an abusive alcoholic, who died of cirhossis of the liver at 53 years old, who came home drunk most nights and beat everyone in the family at will. My ex’s middle name is this grandfathers. I feel like his parents handicapped him from the day he was born, to end up where he is. Said grandfather died a year or two before my ex was born, but still. My father-in-law hated his father (the grandfather) so much that he wouldn’t call him his father. He called him his mothers husband. Yet allowed his name to be put on my ex. My ex used to use his confirmation name as his middle name, so ashamed was he of having his grandfather’s name.

Can you imagine that? Being ashamed of your name? How deep and to the core is that? I can’t imagine what my in-laws were thinking.

I’m rambling, pretty much stream of consciousness. Trying to understand, I guess. As an adult, I guess it doesn’t really matter who loves you, or how much, in most cases. By adulthood you have some basic core belief in your own value or you don’t. The unconditional love I gave to the alcoholics in my life did nothing to change their self-perception. I just have to let it go, and live my own life as best I can.

It was 77 when I woke this morning, at 6:30. The high today is going to be 82 or 83 I think. Weird to only have a few degrees difference between the low and high temps of the day. We even have a day of rain scheduled this week, which would be amazing. It is so incredibly dry here, there are still brush fires all over the interior of the state. I need to water my plants again.

Making some plans for the week, trying to get back into living the wonderful life I’ve created for myself here. Love and light everyone.

I talked to the therapist this morning. One thing she suggested was that I get to an Al-Anon meeting. And truth be told, lots of people have suggested it. I found one that’s not too far from me on Thursday and I may go. Not sure how much good it will do me, but I’m guessing it’s worth a try.

I’ve been still dealing with my ex on the perimeter. Today I got another email from an old neighbor, giving me some information, which I should pass along to the social worker and psychiatrist at the hospital. It feels unfair that I am the one having to deal with these issues, but it is what it is. Marianne Williamson said in The Return to Love that a relationship doesn’t end just because the two people are not physically together. Although this was not news to me, I am seeing first hand how utterly true it is in ways we never expect. I always had that relationship with S, that we communicated in other ways when we were not talking for months at a time. I never had it with my ex, but here it is.

I realized today that none of the events of last weekend are things I’ll “get over” and forget about. I’ll adjust, like when you lose a loved one. I’ll get used to them. I won’t “get over” any of it. There are lessons to be learned, and I’ll just have to follow them to their natural conclusions and see what sifts out to be a life lesson.

I really would, Universe, appreciate some lessons that are not so hard. I’m so ready for easy. I suppose that’s not how it works. I suppose each lesson learned sets you up to deal with a harder and more complex lesson next. But ugh. I am ready for summer vacation, you know?

Onward. Love and light, all.

This morning I talk to the therapist. That’s a really good thing. I have so many mixed emotions about everything, I can’t seem to let any of them sit for long.

Yesterday I was in the house most of the day, which is probably not a good thing. I spent some time on the deck, listening to music, reading people’s blogs, but it just got too hot in the afternoon. I’d planned to go to brunch at the restaurant that hosts open mic night because a couple I am acquainted with was performing for 3 hours there. I just couldn’t get into it though, getting dressed and trying to find a parking place with the boat races still going on and associated festival down in the center of town. And the noise, from the boat races. My head already hurt.

Instead, as I said, I did some cooking. The banana cookies and some homemade coleslaw. I worked on my friend’s pendant. It is almost finished, and I am quite pleased with the way it looks. I hope she’ll like it. I found enough to do, to get through the day.

Today, I have some errands to do after I talk to the therapist. I’d like to take a walk too, by the water, if it’s not too hot. It looks to be a cloudier day today, so maybe it will be cooler. A guy is coming to mow my lawn today, first time since October, lol. I should have done it, but just can’t bring myself to deal with getting the mower started, going to get the gas, etc. It’s stupid, really, to pay someone $20 to do what I can do for myself. But that’s where I’m at, so instead of me procrastinating actually doing it for another week, it will get done.

Sleep came hard to me last night. I’m hoping tonight will be easier, that the demons take a rest from playing hide and seek in my head. I am thinking that this last week was a perfect example of everything falling apart so it could fall together in a new and different way. That in itself is a hopeful thought. Right now I need hope very much. I’ve let go of the hope that a lot of things would turn out differently, but I’m searching for the hope that other things will come into my life, to take their place. In the same way that there is always something to be grateful for, even if it is only your breath, there is always hope. Two positive emotions. I am going to try to immerse myself in them today.

Love and light to everyone.

It’s been a strange day.

I’ve emailed the friend that I deleted, entirely, the other day. Because I can’t stand for things to end ugly.  We promised no matter what happened, we’d stay friends. I may have severely tested that, and so has he. I had him blocked because I was on overload, and it got ugly,  but have unblocked him, thinking that maybe he needs to talk about it. Idk if he’s blocked me or not, but I just want to be there for him if he needs me to be. I ask that I not be judged for this. I have to do it.

I was wishing that I had family around today. I am deep into, apparently, settling out emotions from the really unbelievable week. As I was deep in the wish, my ex’s cousin called, as if she’d heard me. She is not blood family, to me, but she has known me all my adult life and she listens. She listens, which I totally needed someone to do. She offers no advice, because she knows there is none to give, and I love her for it. She has her issues too, and I tried, I think successfully, to lend an ear to her.

I made some banana cookies. My sis gave me the recipe. Two ripe bananas, smashed up. A cup of quick oats, and add chocolate chips and walnuts (if you want.) You can use raisins too, if you want, or instead of the chocolate chips and walnuts. Whatever you want. Mini-chips if you add them. Bake at 350 for 15 min. They are so good. Gluten free and no added sugar. Makes about 16 cookies.

I am trying to work on the pendants my sculptor friend gave me. Trying to wrap the wire around the outside and glue it to the pendant so it doesn’t come off. I got that done, and glued in place, and had to hold it in place for about 10 minutes at a drop. While I was waiting for the glue to dry, I decided that I needed some wine, and am binge watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix. It’s so hilarious, and I’m on my 2^nd glass of wine.

I knew I needed to ge productive doing something besides exploring and settling my emotions out by writing today. I needed a break from it. From my friend, from my ex. I needed someone who understood the depth to which all the alocoholism of two men, paranoid delusions involving me, and my son, my friend whom I love still, my niece who is my godchild’s illness, how deeply all of those things affect me. I need to laugh, to stop myself from crying.

Why has it been my place to deal with it all? I have no idea. I suppose that there is a lesson here, like every other traumatic thing I’ve gone through. I suppose I will at some point, figure out what it is. Right now, I’m gonna let the universe drive the train, and bring me to the conclusion when it’s time for me to understand.

Till then thank God for Grace and Frankie, lol. And red wine. And people who will listen. And love me anyway.

Love and light…..

My internet has decided to run exceedingly slow this morning. It’s making me crazy. I’ve shut down and rebooted 3 times, to no avail. Grrrrr. FB is slow, my email is slower. The only site that loaded normally was WP. I usually have two browsers open, Firefox and Chrome, and they are both running so slow.

My sis was here for a couple of days and that was really nice. I needed some family time, someone to whom I didn’t need to explain everything about myself to. Even though she doesn’t quite get the whole picture. She had her own health issues last week, which are seeming to resolve this weekend. We went to the play my friend is in, (my 2^nd time) on Friday night. Saturday morning we went over to one of the St. Pete beaches for a couple hours. It was really nice. Kind of just what I needed.

Since she left I’ve been kind of retrospective and introspective on all the stuff last week. I’ve been tryng to sort it out, trying to absorb it, trying to own my part in some of it. I got an email from an old neighbor (I’ll call her Linda) yesterday, saying how sorry she was not to have been able to say hi when I was in CT. Sigh.

I realized I should explain why I didn’t say hi, because I wasn’t there….and why. She is his neighbor still, because he lives next door to our old house that he lost in foreclosure. So I tried to give her the abbreviated story but you can’t abbreviate it too much, since it is what it is. She and I were not close, but we were friends. When I got done emailing with her, I realized I should call the other neighbor (I’ll call her Lisa) who is definitely one of my good friends, or was. Her son and mine grew up together. I knew if one neighbor knew, she’d find out, and probably wonder why I didn’t clue her in.

It was all good, because the one who emailed me, Linda, has the phone number of his landlord at the cottage, so I’ll be able to get in touch with him if need be. Apparently my ex called the landlord from the hospital, though I am sure he did not give the real reason he was there, to arrange to keep the rent paid, though I don’t know how that will work, since he most likely has no access to his bank account at the hospital. (Landlord said he sounded fine. SMH) Not my problem. But at least there is a connection there. I told Linda to have him call me if there’s a problem. That’s only because I am the only person the hospital is allowed by my ex to talk to. I don’t want to take it on, but it looks like I’m chosen, lol, and will try to help out when and where I can. If it starts to take it’s toll on me I will divest myself of that responsibility. I could dump it on his sister, but honestly, she has enough on her plate with my niece.

Also was feeling bad about my friend for the last couple of days, who rightly came to his senses and left me a voice mail expressing concern for my well being, since I was not posting much last week. I didn’t even see the voice mail for a half a day. But it seemed genuine, and I know he feels bad. Of course, since then I’ve posted, and he knows I’m ok, but still upset over the way things turned out there. I hate leaving things so ugly. I know that deep inside he has a good heart, and no wish to hurt anyone, and I want to acknowledge that.

Tomorrow I will talk to the therapist at 10. My therapist. Considering the way I feel today it’s a good thing. I still have trouble with all of this. A lot of PTSD with my ex, and actually some with my friend too. It will be good to get some help on dealing with it all.

Love and light.