Tag Archives: healing.

Truth, Wounds, Scars

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m at work now, using my computer there.  This will have to be quick, lol.

I was hoping that the blog I had written but not finished might have been saved by WP, because sometimes when i have inadvertently lost it by flipping a page or some other weird malfunction of cyberspace, it shows back up in the form of a message that I had a blog started, do I want to restore it.

But no, of course not, this time.

I wrote that A has been backing off since I told him not to come.  While he was ok on Tuesday after I told him, yesterday I barely heard from him, though at night I did get my normal “Goodnight sweetie” with some hearts.  I know he is having to face the fact that there is no future for us, and I won’t press him, I’ll just be here when and if he wants to talk about it.  I did hear from him this morning a bit…but not as much as usual, and with much less emotion.  It’s all good.  I couldn’t have led him on, who can live with that kind of stress.  If I don’t feel it I can’t do it.  Simple.

Much better not to lead him down a path to believe there’s something there, as happened to me with S.  No devastation.  Hard truth, but the pain is so much easier to bear, when the truth is known up front.

I realized too, that what has hurt me the most about the unknown FB account, was not just the lies and deception about having it at all, and realizing that he has been in contact with BB for a long time, but just as much if not more, because I realized that there are people that he lets into his life fully, that knew about and could comment on his FB page.  Here was the pic of his friend, and BB could comment on it, and I was the one who ran to his side when his friend died, and was excluded.  I was always excluded, it was always a problem for me, not to know anyone, to be his secret. When he got a phone call and I was in the car he might say I’m not alone, he never said, I’m here with Deb.  Because no one knew about me.

Just opened another wound up a little.  It’s probably why I’ve been hurting all week.  To love someone so much and have it shoved in my face, again, that I was just on the periphery of their life.  Never to mean really anything.

So, I am healing, once again.  I have a gong bath tonight, and some events this weekend that will help.  One of these days all the wounds will be healed, scarred over enough that they can’t be reopened.

Still rising…..

Pleasurable Options

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was so angry last night, to find out that the deception was far beyond what I had believed.  The difference is,I wasn’t hurt by it.  This weekend, after I had that moment and sent him an innocuous email, I really haven’t missed him at all, haven’t wanted to be with him, could think about him with no emotion.  So I suppose the universe decided it was a good time for me to get the whole truth.  I hate a liar.  I mean really hate them. My ex was pathological, and S…he is maybe too.  He apparently loves to be manipulating peoples emotions.  He’s worse, really.  My ex would manipulate situations.  He never tried to manipulate my emotions about him.  Whatever.  S is a scumbag asshole, he and Betty Boop can live in their deceptive bliss.  It is so tempting, now that I know her name and could easily get her address, to consider disabusing her of her ignorant bliss.  But I think it’s more effective to let karma play it out.  I just want to get distance from that whole sordid ridiculous childish bullshit.  I could stir the pot, I could cause massive problems.  But it’s not me.  Let him play his games with her, he’ll get found out, and I’m pretty sure she likes the games or is dumber than me, if she doesn’t see what he’s up to.

A texted me last night, at about 10.  I’m usually going to bed, but I was so angry I stayed up and talked to him.  I didn’t tell him about it, but just talking to him calmed me down.  We stopped talking about me going there, but began a conversation about him coming here over Christmas-New Years.  IDK.  I am so conflicted.  But thinking that I’ve never had a bad moment with him, he has been instrumental in my healing from the scumbag.  Maybe I should give us a chance.  He’s loving, and kind, and sweet.  Now that I’m really free of S maybe I should give it a chance to see what’s there.

So, life goes on.  I feel good this morning.  To be free, to have a kind wonderful man in my life who loves me, and the possibility of something.  At least, options that give me nothing but pleasure.

The Healiing Time

Posted on by learning to live like water

A dear friend had this poem on her Facebook page.  It resonated with me in a profound way, and I share it with you.

The Healing Time

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say
Holy Holy.

-Pesha Gertler

Every Second Takes Me Farther Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

Here’s the problem.  I went to bed last night and thought, without thinking, this is S’s side.  I get a pizza, and think of ordering it the way S liked.  I get dressed, and he liked me in this. None of them are conscious thoughts, they are just there.  Permeating every thought.  My text alert goes off, and I think it’s him.  I put him on “do not disturb” do I still get them, but there is no alert so they don’t make my heart stop.  I will just see that he’s texted when I open my phone.  It’s a small step, but it helped a little yesterday.  There probably won’t be anymore texts anyway.  I think he’s done, he’s not going to try to pull me back. He knows my mind is made up.  I know he thinks I shouldn’t care about her being in his life….but he knows I do. I’m not sure he understands how he irretrievably broke my trust, because that would mean he had to look at what he did to figure out why.

Whatever.

This morning is easier. Every second takes me farther from him.  Every second that passes dims the memories, the hopes, the desire.  And anyway, when it gets bad for me, I can visibly see him Monday night, watching me suffer and not giving a damn.  Just drama to him.  Feelings aren’t real to him, he doesn’t have any, even though he declares he does.  He kept saying that, “I have feelings too”.  I said “but no one knows what they are.  You never talk about them.”  So…whatever they are, that might have soothed my soul to know he could feel something about the end of our relationship, will forever remain his secret.

It’s his way.  It’s why we can’t be together.  I just wish he hadn’t drawn me back in so many times.  I wish he’d just let me go the 4 or 5 times I tried over the summer.  Even when HE was the one who said he needed to go off and find out who he was, when I said, then go, S, find out.  You can check in with me whenever you want., he would be drawing me back a couple days later.  For a guy who wanted to be alone, he made a pretty concerted effort to keep me in his life.  I drew the line at having a purely physical relationship, so I didn’t see him much.  But I was there, every day, all day, texting, sharing…every day.

I guess that’s what i will miss if I ever get past the hurt, is his funny quirky sense of humor.  He says it was different when we could sit on the deck and talk.  Of course it was.  There wasn’t a third person in the relationship.  Of course it was.  I wasn’t expected to share him.

He calls it a green-eyed monster.  As if there is one woman in the world who would be ok with being dumped hours before she expected to see her man, dumped for another woman??  Is there anyone out there that would think it’s ok for him to see her Saturday and me Sunday?  Seriously?

Ii just wish the ache in my heart would go away.  Time, distance….right now it feels like I need to travel to Mars to get away.

Better

Posted on by learning to live like water

I ate dinner tonight!  Like a real whole dinner.  First time in days and days.  And I don’t feel nauseous.  Not guessing it will last, but it feels good to feel kind of like myself again.  I got tons of stuff done today. I know I broke the rules with S, lol, but I think I followed my heart, and the end result was progress for me. I will never contact him just to cry, or to beg him for some attention.  What I did today brought me some clarity, and I’m glad to have it.  His lack of response speaks as loudly as a response would have.  And I only wanted a response, either a conversation or silence will answer what I wanted to know.  I got one the answer of silence. So, ok…nuff said.

I am sure that I will have rough days to come, but right now, I have a good understanding of where he’s at, and why the whole thing transpired.  I get better why he chose her, I understand what he needs and it’s not some direct speaking, assertive Aries woman who doesn’t let things go til they are resolved.

I got back on one dating site last week, but haven’t been able to drum up any interest.  Today, I forced myself.  And as it turned out, I got a message from a nice man who lives about a half hour from here.  Seems he and I have things in common.

I’m tired, really, emotionally exhausted.  I’ll be going to bed early tonight.  But It’s nice to write a blog where I’m not losing it.

Peace out.  Tough day, but worth it.

A Wave Just Washed Over Me

Posted on by learning to live like water

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What a beautiful New England autumn day.  Just gorgeous.  Tonight my Bff asked me over, to a bonfire, dinner and drinks.  I will be the only single person there, but I always am.  She’s gathering me in, wrapping me up in the love of good friends, protecting me from the thoughts that surely will come if I am alone.  She never met him….but she had him pegged from the beginning.

If you are bedding a man for 18 months who has never met your BFF, I would guess that’s a pretty blatant sign that this relationship is not all it’s cracked up to be in your head, isn’t it.  Only my son met him, and from the first day he told me S was weird.  LOl.

Weird is good in my book.  I’m a little weird.  But my son didn’t mean it that way, as in slightly eccentric like you Mom.  I should have listened to him.  Especially over the summer, when he disappeared for days.  My BFF has told me 100 times,  “A relationship that is that much work, from the beginning, is not a good one.”  And I didn’t listen. And it was work, right from the beginning.  Work with no reward, really.  Betty Boop is getting the reward.  I would have had to screw him over for him to treat me well.  Seriously, I mean that.

There was a story on FB this morning, of a little girl who was hit in the face with a rock by a boy. Her mother had to take her to the hospital for stitches.  A man at the hospital, checking them in, said, “I bet he likes you.”  What???  There it is, the warped idea that hurting someone shows that you like them.  Watered down, it falls under S’s old adage, “I only tease you if I like you.”  I think it’s the same mindset.  Perhaps he’s so used to being hurt by people that he actually believes that being hurt is part of loving someone.

If that’s the case…I gotta feel for him.

In that case, I also gotta stay way clear of him.

I always have to feel bad for anyone who didn’t go to bed every night in their life taking their parents love for granted. (Or at least one of them.)  If I believe him, (which I’m not sure of anymore) he never went to bed wondering if he wasn’t loved by them.  According to him (which, again, now I’m not sure how much of it was true, how much was manipulation of me) his parents had not left out any form of abuse of him as a child.  How could I possibly have expected him to get me, to have any idea what a normal relationship is, to even want one?  Not that there aren’t people who overcome that.  But he wasn’t one, and it was pretty clear to me, if I am honest.

It makes perfect sense of Betty Boop, and why she’s spending the weekends with him now.  And really….while there is still a small part of me that hurts from the way he did it, I am really blessed, not to have gotten in any deeper with someone who believes hurt is love.  That passionate fighting makes for passionate making up.  He told me that was what they did.  I remember saying, I only want to love passionately.  You can keep the fighting and making up.

Emotionally, really, he is about 14.  My son at 23 is 100 times more mature.  I mean, look at how he broke up with me, by text!!!  I want to scream, how old are you anyway?  Who does that, at 66?  He didn’t want to listen to me scream at him.  What did he expect, me to say,” Oh that’s ok S…” If you are hell bent on devastating someone, I think you have to be prepared also to deal with their pain.

I wish it hadn’t happened to me.  But if I stand outside and peer in, I am so glad to be out of such an immature relationship.

Anyway, enough of my analysis of him,and myself. .  We are all sick of it, lol.  As an adult we own our lives.  We make our choices.

Writing about this makes me stronger, and see what the work is that I have to do.  I’m sorry if I’m sound like a broken record.  The healing, and the growing comes in waves.  And I just got swept up in one, and now I’m landed on the beach and looking at where I came from.

Well On My Way

Posted on by learning to live like water

Saturday morning.  I slept almost 8 hours.  I have not done that in weeks, probably before Betty Boop first showed on the scene a month ago.  I feel good, I woke without a knot in my stomach this morning, in fact, with a smile on my face.

I think his voice mail yesterday, his sick sorry attempt to “comfort” me was the key.  I really really saw and disliked him with that voice mail. It infuriated me, but when the fury stopped, I took ownership of my life, and realized everything happens for a reason, and the reason all this happened was because he did not, does not, belong in my life. I don’t wish him ill, I really feel emotionless when it comes to him right now.  No love, no pain, no hurt, no desire.  He’s just someone that I used to love, like my ex husband.  Like the Pink Floyd song “There is no pain you are receding.”  Finally.

I am hoping that since he has no way to respond to me about my blog, he will quit reading them.  But at least if he does, I will not have to deal with whatever he thinks about them.  I won’t know, and that’s a good thing.

I sit here and realize I have no stress this morning. I don’t have to wonder if he’s going to want to see me, I don’t have to wonder if he does will he just want to spend a few hours or will he grace me with some of his time, I don’t have to worry about battling it out with him if he is looking for a “nice afternoon.” I don’t have to wonder where I stand with him. I don’t have to wonder about him at all.  I didn’t realize how much stress I have had the last 6 months with him, always wondering about our relationship.  It feels good, so good.  I feel free today, for the first time. I don’t even feel loss, this morning, which is pretty amazing to me.

I feel like I battled it out all week, and this morning I know I won the fight.  My heart is not pounding, the roar in my head is silenced, my blood sugar has gone back into the good range. I”m not feeling nauseous.  When the physical symptoms of stress, and grief have alleviated, I know I am ok.

The gongs helped I’m sure.  I tried to focus on letting him go, and now, 2 days later, I feel free of  him.  I’m so glad that I know how to deal with my emotions.  Not to bury them, but to  honor them, and let myself feel them, until they are calmed, and subsided.  I always said to him, “It will hurt, but I am strong, I’ll get through it.”  A week later, I am well on my way to the other side.

I’m going to go full tilt boogie into getting my house ready to sell at first light next spring.  I have so much to do.  A friend is loaning me a power washer to do my deck this weekend, I think.  I can paint/stain it when I get back from the wedding next weekend.  That’s one of the biggest jobs I have to do.  I have recruited my son to help me for a few hours at some point this weekend, since he’s off, to get the house good and clean.  I slept so poorly this week, and worked late almost every night, I had no energy to give the house in the few hours I was home.

I was just thinking of his smart ass email to me, when I blogged that I was ok with never seeing him again.  “Be careful you don’t get carpal tunnel patting yourself on your back.”  Well you know what?  I had the surgery, I snipped out the  thing that was causing me pain.  And it’s healing beautifully.  And if I want to pat myself on my back, along with all my friends, for recovering so quickly from utterly cruel devastation, then I will do it. I don’t have to live with what he did.  But he does.

Vibrational Healing. 

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

I have gongs tonight. One sweet hour to myself to process all the crap from the last 6 days. Today I have a renewed sense of anger, to be followed up shortly with some searing pain. Hopefully it will come and go with an 8 gong tsunami. 

I am so tired of this drama. So tired of having my emotions manipulated by a man with no conscience.  I will still be fine never seeing him again. 

Like the Phoenix…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Day 4.  I am better this morning than I was yesterday morning.  Not as good as last night.  I have let him go, let any desire for him blow away with the emotional cyclone he put me through.  I never want to see his face again, I have deleted every picture so I won’t accidentally come across his face, and have to remember how I loved this asshole.

It’s the treachery, the deception, the idea that he thought it was perfectly ok to lead me on all week, to blow my world apart.  That he couldn’t man up, and tell the truth to me, and let me go when I was asking to go.  Such a narcissist, one of the worst I have ever known.  Worse than my ex-husband, and I thought he was the worst ever.  My ex’s lies were just random, about what he was doing, often stories he made up and believed, that were so obviously lies it was almost humorous.  (Though laughing at him brought on his scary scary temper.)  He never set me up emotionally just to punch me in the stomach, just to knock me down and stomp on me.  He was a sick f**k, but S is so much sicker.

Yes S, it turns out you were much like him, as you said.  You were him, taken to a new level that was past my ability to think was possible.

I have known many people abused as children, though his story was one of the worst.  But he’s smart, he could have crawled out of it.  He used to say he didn’t have a filter.

No, S, it’s not a fucking filter.  It’s a conscience.  You said you were developing one?  That’s a laugh.  Really…you are so full of shit. You like chaos, you like hurting people because you NEVER dealt with your own hurt in a productive way.  So you project it, and you act out on as many people as possible, in as intense a way as you can.  And some unsuspecting person like myself, that just saw the possibilities of you instead of the reality,comes along, you must have been fucking drooling to set me up and watch me fall.

Like you said, it’s your karma.  If you had a belief in anything, that would be ok, but you don’t.  You’re a cold, dead heartless man.  I am so glad to be rid of you.  And not to have lost any more than i did.  You ought to go crawl in a hole and stay there, until sensory deprivation makes you forget everything you know, and you have to be reborn.  Go to the monastery, like you talked about.  And stay there.  Then you can’t continue to hurt people for your own gain. (Yes he used to talk about doing that for 6 months.  I used to laugh, I am thinking the monks would exorcise him before they’d let him in.)

I have my book club tonight, I’m grateful for that.  To be with friends who live on the other side with me will be just what I need.  A has still been beside me through all of this. He texts me all morning, during the day, in the evening.  He still tells me he loves me, and we know it’s just an unconditional love he has, that we will always be good friends. He sends me music, pictures of the southwest. Just being sweet, kind, loving, talking me down if I need it (tho I think I was done with that after the first 48 hours), showing me reality in a kind, but firm way.  He has always turned out to be the blessing in my life.  He is diametrically opposed to S, and I am sure that he was put in my life to make me see the difference between a creep and an angel.  I wish it had been S I cut off for A, a couple months ago.  Not the other way around.

My friend Megan from here has been so helpful to me too.  She and I have so many of the same issues, and we have had a running conversation with each other comparing notes, and trying to understand this sick narcissism.  So the blessings that have come from his treachery far outweigh the pain, and the pain was unbearable.  But the duality is, there is equal joy that grows out of the ashes.  Like the Phoenix, I will rise. I will be better, happier, and more loving.  No stupid man who thinks the darkness is where it’s at, is ever going to have too much effect on me.

PRACTICE RESURECTION

Posted on by learning to live like water

PR_Title Image_700x170pI was ready, on my way home from work, to write a scathing blog about S, and Betty Boop.  Another one.  Because it still smarts to be so blindsided, so used, so monstrously treated.  Such treachery, as my friend A said.  I wanted him to pay, I wanted to figure out her last name and send her an anonymous mail.  I wanted to send one to his daughter too, who hates Betty Boop.  I conjured up all kinds of revenge.

But then I got home.  I was having a convo with A, about music, about poetry, and he did not know Wendell Berry’s Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front.  My beautiful niece who died in a car accident 11 years ago, used this poem as the basis of her valedictory address when she graduated from high school, first in her class.  In looking it up, I re-read it.

You know, the universe will lead you in the right direction if you will listen.  Reading this, lead me away from the revenge thing, to the making this world a better place thing.  Let the ugly things lay in the ground, and rot, as they are supposed to, to transform into something valuable. If you’ve never seen the poem, it’s below.  The last line has been one of my mantras for years, and is the title of this post.  Much more positive than  “Let’s Get S and Betty Boop”  And as far from them as I can possibly go energetically. Which is what I need to do.  Just let go of it altogether. they’ve stolen enough of my energy.  And seriously, what I need to be doing.  Resurrecting.

Manifesto:
The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion — put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.