I have had a bouquet of silk sunflowers for maybe 25, even 30 years. They were on a small table on the staircase landing when I was married. They moved to my kitchen table when I moved out 13 years ago, and still now, sit on my kitchen table in Florida. They are my favorite flower, because I cannot help but feel happy when I look at them. They will brighten even the darkest days.

I tried to grow them once or twice, when I was married. We lived on a lake, and the lot was very wooded. There was not much sunlight, but still, I tried. I guess the birds ate the seeds, or something ate the sprouts. I found one growing across the street, in the woods, about 6’ tall and guessed that whatever took the seed, dropped it there. No fertilizer, not much sun there either, but the will to grow into a full sunflower must have been strong in that one.

And so it is with people too. Sometimes we get uprooted, and planted somewhere new, somewhere we don’t know, and have to learn to thrive again. Sometimes it’s emotional. We stay in the same place physically, but have to adjust to a new world inside ourselves as our circumstances change.

This is, I think, what has happened to me in the last month or so. The world I thought I lived in was brought crashing down, blindsiding me. And now, after taking many deep breaths, and regaining my balance, or at least beginning to, I have begun to adjust to my new life, and appreciate it, and like it. I’m standing, once more, though I am doing it with the help of my good friends, who allow me to use their shoulders to keep myself upright at times. Every day, I am stronger, thanks in big part to these friends.

I think they all know I’m strong, and will not ask them to forever hold me up. They know too that in difficult times in their lives, I will be there with a hand to help them up too, or a shoulder to lean on. We dry each others tears at times and turn the tears into sweet laughter.

Now I just need to be alone with myself for a while. I don’t know how long. But I need to dig deep inside of me, to rediscover myself, to find reasons to believe I have value. Or see if I do, actually, have value and determine what I need to change, and what I need to keep.

I still have a lot of anger and hurt in my heart, and I want neither one. I am trying to let the anger go, and the hurt is fading. I’m sick of throwing epithets at the man who did this to me, and of being on the receiving end of his. I don’t hate him, but I want to steer clear of him as much as possible, until I don’t have that visceral reaction when I see him, of anger, dislike, judgment. I know that he is not self-aware enough to have realized what he was doing when he did it. He let the anger take over his mental abilities. I cannot imagine spending 30 years of my life alone, and not coming out of it somewhat unbalanced.

Humans are social animals, we are not designed to be alone. We are designed to be, and indeed are, all connected to each other.. Trying to break that connection is so destructive to not only the isolated person but to all of us.  A chain’s strenth is only determined by its weakest link.  We all need and crave that connection, no matter how tough we think we are. That toughness is the ego talking, telling us we don’t need anyone. The ego has never really directed us in a positive way, except to keep us from running in front of a bus. So much better to listen to your soul, and do what you can to reconnect if you’ve broken the connections, to let go of the ridiculous idea that you don’t need anyone, and welcome all people into your life. At least, those that pose no hazard to you. You may have something to learn, there are lessons in everything.

The thing I struggle with at the moment is why I’ve been so willing to fall in love with someone without considering all the facts. I don’t want to do this again. I want to be able to stand back enough that even if I really like someone, I won’t try to make them happy at my expense ever again. It diminishes us both. I can be friends, but more intimacy than that has to grow slowly with me now. I am too old and have to few years left on this earth to be on an obsessively constant search for love. I’ve changed so much in the last 3 years, and now that I’m alone I can see it, and not always feel like I have to defend myself. We need to see clearly why we do what we do and not fool ourselves, like I have done way too many times. (Even once is too many….)

It’s a move forward. Yesterday I got a text from Dan who was continuing the text conversation we had two days before that got so ugly. I told him, I’m not going to do this. I’m not going backward, I’m not going to revisit an ugly conversation that is now past. The time for him to have read what I had to say (because he didn’t at the time) was not yesterday. It was the moment it happened. To stay with it, to let it lead where it was going to lead, and not be afraid of it.

One of my favorite sayings is, “Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.” That should be true for everyone. I mean yes, look back if you are trying to understand the lesson, but don’t move in back there and set up housekeeping. The house has been torn down, the road backward leads nowhere. I am here, right now, as Ram Dass titled his book, Be Here Now. Figure out where you want to go from here, not where you wished you’d gone from there.

So, that’s what I’m endeavoring to do. Be here now, not there, not wishing that things were different, but trying to figure out where I’m headed now.

Love and light to all.

“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.”

I was reading a bunch of quotes this morning on peace when I clicked a link on FB to www.wakeupyourinnermind.com.  I don’t know who said this, it wasn’t attributed to anyone.  I guess I was attracted to it because, even though I was relaxed last night, I woke up with dread in my heart, because I am still reeling, deep inside, from the recent actions of Dan. Actions I never thought he was capable of. My peace, my inner peace has been so shaken.

I realized when I read the quote that I have allowed him to disturb my peace. I think my plan for today, to spend time with my sister, and friends will help. I think focusing on my solo sound healing at the beach will be good. Focus on the things that bring me joy, not pain.

Really, it is because we have this boat in my front yard that we need to resolve and get some money back for it. When I add it up, I am aghast at how I let myself be duped into spending that kind of money, money I didn’t have to lose. Not realizing that Dan doesn’t seem to worry about losing money, until it’s too late. He is so financially irresponsible. I was too, in this case. But I thought we were partners for life, and we’d be ok. So naive I was. It’s upsetting me deep in my gut, how I allowed his interests to take precedence over mine.

Never again. Never. Never.

I guess what I have to do now, is first accept what is. I’m not as good at that as I thought I was. I may get a little of the money back, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never make it to Italy. That was the only thing on my bucket list. Not a boat, I did the boat because he wanted it so bad. To think I was considering buying a house with him. Wow, very glad the universe put a halt to that! I can make more money. Maybe it will be the path of the sound healing, Maybe if I begin to actually work at my etsy site for my jewelry (www.sundogsdesigns.com) I can recover some money. Maybe I can get a job somewhere, for 20 hours a week. I’m still capable of working. And what is, is that I may have to do that. I should do all 3.

Here is this morning’s path. I allowed someone to control my emotions, on a much grander scale than I thought. And now I have to become extremely proactive on my own behalf, to deal with this. I have a path, I have abilities, I have ways in which to supplement my income, I just need to do them. I think that when my company is done coming, I am going to focus like a laser beam on these things and get back on my feet. The boat should have been dealt with by then, after which time I’ll have no reason to interact with Dan. I’ll see him at venues we both go to, but I can stay away from him. I thought we’d be friends after it was all over, but I can see that’s not possible. It is what it is. It’s too bad. But I really have other things that are more important to me than spending time trying to heal a rift I didn’t cause. I see now, quite clearly, his stunted emotional status. His shallowness, his self-centeredness. And most of all, his ability to act, and not let anyone see him.  Never get involved with someone who has been alone for more than 30 years.

In my less shaken moments, I just feel sorry for him. He once told me he doesn’t think he’s ever been happy in his life. What a sad sad state. Yesterday at my friend’s meditation, I used the whole time to send him reiki and said the ho’opononpono for him. If I’m a mess from all this, and I am pretty stable, pretty cognizant of who I am, and what I need, and what I believe and can stand up for myself, I can’t imagine where he is. He who hides all his emotions, refuses to look at them, yet, has all kinds of physical ailments because he won’t deal with them.

So I guess I’ll continue to do what I can from afar, but stay away from him and his ultra-negative energy, which is all focused on me at the moment.

I was blindsided by him. But I’m strong. He had me face down in the dirt, but I’m rising strong. No one will ever get me to do their bidding at the expense of my dreams again.

Love and light to all. Even him, who needs it the most.

There’s tired. Then there is totally exhausted.

Tired is this: I didn’t sleep well last night. I just walked 2 miles. I just cleaned up the kitchen after making a really nice dinner. I stayed up too late. You get the idea.

Then there Is complete exhaustion, physically, emotionally, mentally. Not spiritually, thank goodness, but this past month has taken its toll. Coming home sick from the cruise from hell. Then the holidays, spent alone and sick. Sick for 3 weeks. Then Dan on his rampage, his burning desire to break-up that he couldn’t do with any decency. I was like a bystander, watching him create chaos, instead of just talking it out. Then a week’s worth of company. Add lots of commitments to friends to attend their events, which I enjoy, but there was so much the week I had so much company. And in between, with any spare time, I’ve been working my butt off at home, doing stuff that has been let go because I was constantly going up to his house half the week. (I can get ignored there as well as my house, I found out.) I’ve been cleaning in the corners, emptying cabinets, rearranging closets, moving furniture, enduring a diatribe by text from Dan yesterday, and finally, getting my lawnmower started and getting the lawn mowed, today.

Tonight I am just worn out. I enjoy being busy, it keeps me from thinking about things I’d rather forget. I don’t know what happened to him, why he couldn’t just leave it be. He orchestrated this break-up….he got what he wanted. But it wears me out. I learned long ago (with my ex-husband) that you can’t make sense out of nonsensical behavior, and I’m not gonna start again trying to do that!

But I am gonna rest. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with my sister, and spend some time with her. I haven’t in so long. And I miss her. Whatever the reason, I will be glad to reconnect, so to speak. I’m gonna take the day off, from all this crap, and re-energize. And go to open mic tomorrow night and hang with my friends. It’s just what I need.

We all do this to ourselves. Particularly us women, who have raised kids, taken care of the house while we worked full time, did the shopping and the cooking and the laundry. I think we often go until we are ready to drop. If you are lucky, or maybe just wiser and chose a better mate, you had help with some of this. I envy you. I would have liked to have a partner to grow old with, but it’s not in the stars for me.

But this isn’t about whining. It’s a reminder of what I’m capable of. But also, of the friends I do have. Many. My circle of friends has always been there. I have 3 circles, one from school that just visited me. The ones from CT, who stay in close touch with me, and my new circle here in Florida of wonderful people. I was so happy I got the lawnmower started today, I put up a post of FB. So many people commented, I was surprised, happily. That’s the kind of love that energizes a person. Makes you want to do more, learn more, connect more, love more, celebrate living more.

So tonight I’ll sleep, and sleep well. In my cute, quiet little house, in my comfy bed. Alone, and glad of it. Not letting any of the chaos, the monkey mind, in my head. Then go spend the day with people I love. Life is good, and I am blessed.

Love and light.

Yesterday was a crazy day, full of hills and valleys emotionally.

In the morning I was messaging my sister about a lunch date I thought we were having yesterday. Turns out I had the day wrong, and it was Thursday. She’s coming to St. Pete for her husband’s dr. visit, so she couldn’t change the day. I had made plans with Dan to deal with the boat on Thursday, so I texted him to change the plans. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, neither of us has a tight schedule.

He chose, though, to start an argument with me about the boat being low priority. Then went on to try to put the blame on me for the predicament of this boat, all the money spent, and time, and what a total waste it was. Of course, I wasn’t having any of that, or at least not more than my share. In my opinion, neither one of us had any idea the cost would be so high to get the boat running, but as the guy who fixed it got into it, he kept finding more and more things wrong with it. I never blamed either of us. Dan, who paid for it, now wants to assign blame to me, whatever.

But he got ugly with me, started personally insulting me. I wasn’t having it, and I got ugly as well, and then asked him if he wanted to keep it up or if he’d had enough. Apparently he hadn’t, because he kept it up. It was so nasty, but I know it was a reflection of how he sees himself, and really had nothing to do with me. Fear projects, love extends, and he was doing a masterful job of projecting. I almost blocked him but didn’t because we need to deal with this stupid boat, so we need to communicate until that is done.

About a half-hour after he stopped arguing and insulting me, he sent me a text saying he was coming down this way and when he was done with what he had to do, he wanted to come over here and take me to bed because he thought it might help with our anger issues. WTF? I mean, really, WTF.? After all the horrible things he said about me, made up about me, he actually thinks (because he pled with me, “please, I’m serious.”) he comes up with that? Take me to bed? I told him to stay away from me in no uncertain terms.

When it was finally over, I was sitting at my kitchen table, shaking my head. Actually feeling sorry for him because he obviously didn’t realize what he was doing during this whole break-up. I heard a knock on the door and jumped up, terrified he had driven down to my house, but he wasn’t there. Instead, my BFF was there, who just stopped by! I was SOOO glad to see her, I told her the universe was taking care of me, having her stop by.

She wasn’t here long, less than an hour. But talking to her always helps. I couldn’t have any wine or anything because I had an appointment at the medical marijuana dr to get my medical card. Pot really helps my insomnia, and the CBD’s really help my joint pain. Other than those 2 things, I don’t use it much. But I’m glad to have it legally, so I don’t have to worry about it ever.

It seems that while Daniel did his best to hurt me, the universe did it’s best to counter that. I probably, in the end, hurt him as much, and for that, I’m sorry, though I made up no lies at least. Sometimes I just can’t take it. One of the reasons I got approved for medical marijuana is that I still have some PTSD from my ex-husband. It’s mostly gone, but some things still trigger me, and Dan did yesterday. Big Time. His judgment is poor, and while he doesn’t lose his temper often, when he does, it’s incredibly ugly. Plus, yesterday, he was a little crazy, which was scary to me, with his let me come take you to bed idea. I’m afraid he’s losing his mind. Hope he can pull himself together. He’s a hot mess.

The day was full of lessons and blessings, and at the end of the day, I was surprisingly calm. Probably from purging things I’d been holding onto with him, but not wanting to say, because I never wanted to hurt him. But maybe he needed to hear them. I’ll never know.

This morning my BFF from CT Facetimed with me for a while, early. She didn’t have to go to work today and saw me on FB. That was really nice to catch up with her. She’s started a Mindfulness practice, teaching others how to be mindful. I’m happy to see her on this path. Another blessing, to have good friends who want to talk to you early in the morning, and not about politics!

Again, I am blessed. The universe is conspiring on my behalf, and doing a wonderful job of it!

Love and light to all.

Trust….I never used to have trust issues. In fact, I was willing right up front to trust most people, unless I got a really bad vibe upon introduction. I wanted, and still want, to believe that most people will tell you the truth because lies are such a burden.

This has not served me well. I’ve been lied to by the men I’ve loved. Yet, I’ve never thought that I should hold back. I’ve always thought, hey give them a chance, and if they burn you it’s on them. Until now.

I don’t think Dan meant to lie to me, but he was just acting. Acting in an intimate personal relationship is lying. I thought he was honest, I thought I’d finally found someone who would do the right thing, not the easy thing. Someone who could look at themselves honestly. I shake my head and think my middle name should be Pollyanna. I expect that most people will want, and will do, the right thing. It puts me at a disadvantage though. And at this moment, I’m feeling it, and rethinking how trusting I should be.

In the few exchanges I’ve had with Dan since we split, it’s apparent to me that he wants to bury this, like every other emotion he’s ever felt, and pretend it didn’t happen. I won’t try again to talk with him because the last time I insisted on that (because I have to insist, or it won’t happen) he turned it ugly, and there it ended. I am trying hard not to be angry, trying hard to have some compassion for him because he has no idea how to be different, and because he’s basically alone again. But then, that’s what he wanted. That’s the only way he feels comfortable, the only way he doesn’t have to confront himself or be accountable.

Come to think of it, that’s what my ex did. Just isolate himself. But for totally different reasons. Dan was not like my ex, but neither was he the man I believed he was. I thought I could trust him not to ever hurt me, or lie to me. At first, he let me in, but I guess he will only go so deep. Then I began to realize how well he can act. Like his mother always proudly states, “He knows how to act.” Yeah, he is good at fooling people. He liked the fact that many people felt they knew him, but actually didn’t know him at all. The persona he presented to them, and to me, I slowly began to learn, was not really who he was. It is a shame he thinks so little of himself that he feels he can’t let himself be seen.

Now I have trust issues. Big ones. I just want to be alone, in my house, with myself and the things I am passionate about, and just take care of myself. He used to tell me I had too many passions, that I should just pick one. Advice from someone who had absolutely no passions. I ignored the advice. I guess the reason I’m thinking about these things this morning is because I dread that I have to go deal with this boat with him on Thursday. I’ll keep my distance, as much as I can. I will keep the conversation down to a minimum, just what is necessary to deal with the task at hand. I’ll try not to be angry with him, or hurt by him. There won’t be an audience, so I won’t have to watch him act out for them.

Trust, so easily broken. So hard to repair. When someone breaks your trust, you then begin to doubt yourself, wondering why you so readily believed the person. All things I need to work on.

But the sun is shining, it’s going to be fairly warm today. I get to see my sister and brother-in-law for lunch today. Looking forward to that. Life is good on the whole. And someday, I’ll be able to trust again. My filter may be rusty but I’m working on making it shiny again.

Love and light.

My company is all gone, for a couple of weeks until my son and his family come. The last one left this morning, as her flight kept getting delayed due to a snowstorm in upstate NY. I told her to stay here Saturday night and go home yesterday morning when the weather cleared, which she did, and was really glad about it. It’s nice to have the house back to myself, but it also seemed so quiet.

The quiet today gave me a chance to get a lot done. I got a bunch of housework done that needed doing, vacuuming under the bedroom furniture, 3 loads of laundry washed dried and folded, and errands for miscellaneous stuff I needed at the hardware store and drug store. I practiced the sound healing new stuff I’m working on until I was gonged out, lol. But that was actually good for me. I considered going out for a little bit last evening but chose to stay home. I was tired from the day, and it was a bit chilly out, and I would have been at an outdoor restaurant. Instead, I stayed home, watched a couple new to me series on Amazon, Modern Love and The Practice, and The Marvelous Mrs. Maizel. Just what I needed. I slept well, and even though I’m up early (5:30) I am rested.

I have realized that with Dan’s departure, I work harder at staying busy, and getting stuff done. I think that’s only partially because I want to fill the space that he took up in my life. That hole is getting smaller. It’s also because when you move between houses, you don’t get a lot of the nitty-gritty stuff done. So the house is looking better, I’ve been able to get stuff put away and thinned out a little bit.

I do have to see him on Thursday. He’s coming over to get the boat and take it to the marina, drop it in the water, and then put it back on the trailer correctly, which he will need my help to do. Then I can get it cleaned up and try to sell it. It runs perfectly well now, as long as it’s not kept in the water where stuff grows on it so fast. I am not looking forward to doing this with him, and he has expressed that he dreads it. I know that is partially because we have to do it together, but more because he feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I’m going to shut down my emotions as I do every time I see him, just staying mindful, focused on the task at hand. I don’t want to get back together with him, I don’t want to engage in any conversation with him except what’s necessary to get this done. I’ll get through it.

This morning a guy is coming to give me an estimate on hurricane-proofing my front door. I will get a big discount on my homeowners’ insurance once I do that because I’ve done all the windows. My front door, I’m guessing, is as old as my house, and suits it. But it’s an odd size and small. Anyway, because of that I am not replacing the door, which would be pretty expensive. Then I’m going to my friend’s chair yoga class for the first time. She is the one who helps me with the sound healing. I’ve been wanting to go forever, but I was usually at Dan’s on Monday morning, Then I was sick, then I had company, yada yada yada. Today I’m going. She believes it will help with my flexibility.

I feel I’m moving forward, at times like light speed, at times much slower. But still, the momentum is forward. Like a meme I have shared on FB: Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

Love and light to everyone.

Yesterday my friend and I went to the beach, finally. We had lunch at a restaurant/bar on Treasure Island where the tables are in the sand, and the overhead is strung with fishing line to keep the seagulls away. Then we got a couple chaise lounges down by the water, and just sat and listened and soaked up the hazy sun for an hour. We stuck our feet in the water, which was cold, probably around 61°. It was lovely.

When we got home again, she taught me how to make homemade biscotti. We made triple ginger and then cranberry pistachio. They are easy and so good!! Then we went out to dinner at an outdoor venue where 2 of my best friends were playing. We got a salad and a pizza. A bunch of the members of my tribe was around. We were all sitting in the same corner up by the band. Two of them came over to tell me that Dan was there, and had forgotten his wallet so went home to get it. It’s 10 miles each way for him, but very typical of something he’d do.

Whatever, when he got back for the last 15 min, he sat at the table next to mine. I guess I never realized how loud he talks, and how he dominates the conversation. Which is probably ok in a different situation, but not when people are performing right in front of him.

Then he called my name and thanked me for sending a letter from DMV about his truck insurance which had come to my house. He had had to do this in front of everyone, loudly of course. I don’t want to see him, but can’t help but run into him since we are really part of the same circle of friends. But I certainly don’t want to talk to him, and to me, it was clearly a bid by him to have everyone see how nice he was being to me. He needed the audience, but I didn’t appreciate it. I sent him a text and asked him to speak to me privately in the future if there’s something he wants to say. I didn’t appreciate having to respond to him, with all eyes on me. Of course, I just said “you’re welcome,” and walked away. He could have sent a text, he could have called, he could have said it to me when he was sitting almost back to back with me at the two tables. But he needed to act, to put on his show.

I suppose that seems picky, but I am still very hurt by what he did when he ended this relationship, and the way he did it. I still feel blindsided to find out he’s not who I thought he was, that he was doing an Oscar-winning job of acting. So little things like making me talk to him in front of people really upset me.

He answered my text back, “wow”. Whatever. His typical non-empathetic response. Just leave me alone. The whole thing gave me a bad night’s sleep, fitful, waking a lot. So I am totally ready for a night at home.

So my friend is headed back to the Adirondacks today. She may have a two day trip of it, since it will be snowing up there tonight. She may stay at the hotel near the airport she flies into, and try getting the last two hours of driving in the tomorrow. Better in the day, even if it’s snowing, than to drive 2 hours, later at night, in heavy snow.

I don’t miss snow, that’s for sure.

Tonight I’ll have my house back to myself, and will take a rest, and watch some TV, maybe read, maybe write.

I’m going to leave you with an old favorite songs, Phoebe Snow singing Have Mercy on Those. The lyrics fit just about anyone I was ever involved with. Love and light.

I’ve had a lot of company this week. I was kind of dreading it, but it’s been easier than I expected. I’ve been sleeping 7-8 hours a night on average, without any aids such as a couple medicinal hits of pot, or an Ambien. That’s awesome for me. It’s where I want to be. I think I’m able to sleep because I am grounded, I have accepted what is, and I can look at the past without regret, but without longing either.

It’s pleasant.

Yesterday we went to the Sunken Gardens in St. Petersburg. They were created in a sinkhole 100 years ago, and are just beautiful. I’ve been before, and wanted to take my friends who is a consummate gardener. She really enjoyed it. Then we went to Trader Joes, which is up the street from there a few blocks, just because she had never been. I didn’t think I needed anything, but spent $33 anyway, lol.

We came home, each of us took a short nap, and then made dinner of some meatballs I had in the freezer, fresh raviolis, and a salad. We headed for open mic. My friend was a music teacher for 35 years up in the Adirondacks, and still leads chorales, etc. She really enjoyed the open mic because the people who perform are really good musicians and there is a huge genre of music played for the 3 hours. She met a few more of my friends, two of which were having their birthdays and people had brought cake, which was really good. We all sang happy birthday to the accompaniament of cajun music by the Gulfport Swamp Opera. It was so much fun! We hadn’t really expected to stay the whole 3 hours, but ended up doing it anyway.

So it was a really fun day, and I know we both enjoyed it. Tonight, her last night, two of my friends are playing at a local restaurant in an outdoor venue, so we are going, and get a pizza or something and watch them. Dan may show at this venue, because he’s friends with them, and enjoys their music. But I’m fine with that, as long as he’s not sitting at my table. I still have some anger mixed with the feeling that this has been coming on a long time, and he wasn’t honest about it. But whatever, I’m getting past it and am beginning to see how different we are, and how it never would have worked anyway.

Pretty soon (tomorrow afternoon) I will have my house back to myself. I have some things I need to do, like mow the lawn, and practice my new soundbath experience. The weather seems to be returning to normal Florida January weather in the 60’s and 70’s. It’s lovely. As my friend said, “Wow, it’s so nice to walk outside at night and it’s not freezing…..”

All is well in paradise, lol. Hope all is well with all of you. Love and light.

The mini-reunion of old friends is winding down. At one point, on Monday night, there were 5 of us sleeping here in my tiny house. Funny how when we did this 3 years ago, my friends stayed up late, ’til 3 AM, talking. This time we were all asleep by midnight. The friend who’s staying all week is more on my schedule of going to bed around 10:30 and up around 6:30, so that works well.

I’ve been surprised how well I’ve been sleeping with all these people in the house. Perhaps I’m just exhausted because I’ve been going going going every day since last Thurs. I am usually out one or two nights a week, until 9 or so. Never late. Almost always it’s to go see friends playing music. I’m happy I’m sleeping. There’s something comforting having people here who have known me and each other our whole lives. No one is acting, no one is putting on a show. We can all just be ourselves and know we are accepted. It’s nice after being blindsided by someone who can act, but not feel.

It’s been pretty cold here on the west coast of Florida for a few days. Like highs in the 50’s, and Wednesday morning woke up to a temp near freezing, 36°. And windy. We actually had a wind chill, instead of our usual heat index. But today it’s going back up to the 70’s, so I’m happy my friend will get a day or two of more typical weather. We were going to go over to the barrier beaches last night so she could see a Gulf sunset but it was just too cold out. So we went out to Dunkin, and got some ice cream at the Baskin-Robbins attached to it.

Today I think we’re going to the Sunken Gardens in St. Pete, and then maybe across the street to Trader Joes. My friend has never been there. She lives in the Adirondacks of NY, in a town with a year-round population of less than 100. No TJ”s there, lol. And tonight, I’ll take her to open mic for a bit. The friend who plays Tibetan bowls at the sound healing had her birthday yesterday, so they will have a cake, etc., tonight at open mic for her. And it’s also the bass player’s (with the house band) birthday, so his name will be on the cake too. It will be fun. We have some plans for tomorrow, her last full day here too. I will honestly need a rest when everyone is gone.

I’m hoping Dan doesn’t show up at any of the venues tonight or tomorrow. I’m guessing tomorrow’s he may show though. I have done my best to make sure everyone knew I didn’t want anyone to feel that they had to choose between us, that I can be in the same place as him, and ok with it, as long as he leaves me alone, which he will. But still, it’s easier for me not to see him at all. I sent him a text a couple days ago, asking him to pay his portion of the phone bill, and to get his phone off of my bill by the end of the billing cycle. He sent me the money but no word about him getting off the bill and switching to his own account. I also asked him to let me know his plans for getting the boat back on the trailer correctly. He said he had no plans, but maybe we’d talk about it this week. I’m not looking forward to that, but it has to be. We need to get this boat sold, and out of my yard.

I am enjoying being alone, not having to listen to constant complaining which came on so slowly that I didn’t realize it was happening until it stopped, and I had peace and quiet and was able to feel happy, even joyful, and certainly grateful, about life, without the innuendo that I was naive, or whatever it was. When he tired of acting with me, the real him came out. The one who’s never been happy in his life (so he says). I’m thinking that’s where his thought process goes, and he manifests what he thinks about. I feel for him, to have nothing in his life that makes him joyful. Even his grandsons he wants to get away from after a few days. Sad. Really sad.

Well, my friend is up now, and we’re watching the sunrise out my kitchen window. Joy. The world is a beautiful place, and I’m feeling grateful I can enjoy it.

Love and light to all.

I thought I knew you
Turns out, I did not, at all.
Hidden from my view

I thought you loved me
Turns out, you knew how to act
And act you did well.

I thought we would be
Together, always, but find
Always, until we’re not

By Deborah E. Dayen