Letting Go of You, A Little Bit at a Time (A poem)

IMG_2193 (1)

Sunrise from the town dock, Longboat Key, Florida

I let it go
On the summer wind,
With the sun in my eyes,
I let it go.

I remembered what we did here.
I remembered how it felt then.
I smiled, and I cried, just a little.
I will always miss what was
and I will always miss what wasn’t.

But letting go is something I’m getting good at.
Knowing that letting go
Opens the space
For something new and wonderful
To come in.

Entering the autumn of my life,
I cling to summer.
So, I go where it is warm,
Where I’ll not be reminded
Of the summer dreams that
turned into nightmares.
Where new dreams will be born.

I wish you love and light,
I wish all good things for you.
Even though we don’t talk,
We talk, on levels we don’t understand.
I still feel you, all the time.
I hope you are happier than what I feel.

Let us both feel good about what was,
Just between us, when there was no one else.
Peace to you. Peace to me.
Love always and all ways.

Selling Off A Bit of My Sacred Space

deck furniture

I have a few things that I need to sell or give away, large items, before I move. Yesterday I put some ads on a FB page that is a never-ending tag sale for my town only. I put my deck furniture and my grill up, for $50 each. I could have sold the deck furniture 10 times in 3 hours, it was amazing. A guy is coming by today to get it. I think I paid Walmart $150 or something for it when I moved in. It needs new cushions, they are all thread-bare now.

But I will miss it. It’s where I sit in the summer, in the morning, in the evening. It’s where S and I used to sit and talk, or star gaze for hours. We watched the meteor shower out here one night. One night we saw moondogs, it was my first time. But I digress. There are so many memories for me, every time I start sorting and packing. This will be good to let go of. One less reminder of what was and wasn’t.

Still, it feels like I’m selling off pieces of my sacred space.  Gotta let go of stuff, like the Buddha says, Non-attachment is the way.

For the next few weeks, I’ll just have to pull another chair out here, and maybe a tv table.

I didn’t get any bites on the grill, which needs new burners. My son said they are not a big deal to put in. The grill cost me $350 or so, It’s in good shape except the burners. It’s a really good grill.

Today I have to clean up the washer and dryer in the basement, the spare ones, and get them listed. I brought them with me from the condo I had been living in, they are perfectly good. I thought my son might want them if and when he moved out, never forseeing the moves that would happen 5 years later. And I have a couch and loveseat in the basement, that he uses. They are both pull-out beds, nice green microfiber. I also bought those for the condo I rented for 4 years. I need to sell them too. Or I’ll have to just give them away.

My neighborhood is having a tag sale next Saturday. So whatever is left, I will try to sell then. I have a lot of just stuff I’m not taking. Like a door wreath for the winter with a snowman on it. Not really appropriate for Florida, LOL. Snow shovels, maybe a rake.

This morning I need to get to the grocery store, and clean up my kitchen counters and floors, then continue with the packing and sorting. It feels overwhelming at times. So much to do.

Last night my girlfriend who is also moving when I’m moving, went out with me for a bite to eat. I just could not put together a meal. Tired, I guess. And needed some human connection, after being alone all day with my thoughts and memories. So we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had shrimp and bacon quesadillas, it was good. One glass of wine and that was it. It’s been so great to have a friend going through this same thing, albeit she is only moving 15 miles from here, and not stopping working, and her kids will stay with her. So not the same, but still, similar.

At least I’m moving along down this path, getting things done. I hope I don’t have to be at the closing, and can leave a day or two before the closing. Gotta get an answer on that from my atty.

Onward….. Love and light, all.


Picture at top is my deck furniture.  🙂

Just Some Memories


The post below is not what this weekend is about memorializing, so first things first. My father was a Lt. Col in the air force reserves.  He was active during WWII. This weekend is about remembering those who sacrificed their lives so that we could all continue to enjoy the freedom we are so blessed to have. I know this, and don’t in any way mean to ignore them. Laurel’s post “Tony” (https://myjourneyintodarkness.wordpress.com/) reminded me what it’s about. In fact, she reminded me that I had a long ago friend whose name is engraved on the Viet Nam Memorial in Washington DC. I once found his name there. I didn’t etch it. It was hard enough just to see it. His name was Tony too.

I need readers to know that first, I remember all the fallen heroes. Always.

Memorial Day weekend, though, kind of a bracket for me. It’s when I first understood that my relationship with S had changed, though I didn’t understand why. A 3-day weekend, of which he offered me a “nice afternoon.” And I said, no. I wanted a nice weekend, not an afternoon. He was beginning the process of ripping my heart out and cutting it into pieces. Hard to believe how much I loved him. And how callous and uncaring he was of that gift. It’s been a year of pain, and heartache, and growth.

I also said goodbye to Addie the same weekend. He left on his great adventure with his son, traveling all the way to the other coast, through the northern states, up into Canada, and finally settling in New Mexico. I went to see him before he left, I saw him actually a few times. S had no interest in me then, he was busy with B, though I didn’t know it. Oh S was stringing me along, texting me, talking to me. I was, after all, a good source of supply since I loved him so much.  But his interest was focused elsewhere.

Addie was tender and loving and sweet. I wished so much that I could love him. But I can’t do what S did. I’m a one-man woman. Always have been, always will be. And back then….S was the one I loved. We were sitting on Addie’s deck, he turned me to look at him. He said, “I have to tell you this now, because I won’t have another chance. I love you SO much. You have changed my life forever.”

I heard the words from Addie that I wanted to hear from S. Addie asked if we could just lie down together. He just wanted to hold me, once more, he said. I said yes. I needed that closeness. That safety of lying in someone’s arms that wouldn’t hurt me. I was wounded, Addie was a soothing salve on that wound. He reminded me that I had value, that I was lovable, when I most needed to hear it. I let him love me, and I reciprocated as best I could, and be true to myself.

He was there for me every dark day after too. When I finally found out about Betty, Addie spent the day on the phone with me, talking me down. Actually he did this more than once, because the full story of what S had done came to me in pieces. He was my rock. The rock S could never be for anyone, because he’s incapable of loving anyone. Not me, not Betty. Mostly, not himself.

I have not talked to Addie for a long while. He has moved on, found a new love. But last time I talked to him, a couple months ago, he told me he still loves me, will always love me. It’s not in the same way he loves his new woman, but he loves me. I know if I needed to lean on him, I could. But I won’t impose…I have broken his heart enough over S. I will just love Addie.

It made me laugh after, that S complained that I had been cuddling with Addie. While he was bedding down Betty, unknown to me. Seeing her, and lying to me about why he wouldn’t spend the weekend with me. God, he was such a convincing liar.

Yet, still at times, I miss that mischievous grin, and his tall tales, the way he could make me laugh. I just know the price for these things is too high, that it requires a piece of my soul. There is nothing lasting about what comes from him. So…I just learn how to turn it off. To walk away from it.  Even though I am much better at it than I used to be, it’s still a work in progress.

Moving to Florida, which has been my plan since before I met him, has turned out to be exactly what I need to do. To get far far away from the memories, the proximity. I know that some of it will remain, but it will be easier to heal from when I have focus of a new life. I’m so grateful that the Universe put this plan in my head and has moved me along with it. I’m so glad that S was unable to change it. Not that he tried. Fact is, he always knew it was my plan. He always knew that I was independent, and relied on myself. There was nothing extraneous in how I loved him. I just loved him. I didn’t need him to live my life, I just wanted him in it. I think a lot of the problem was that he couldn’t believe that, or accept it. That someone could just purely love him with no other need or intent.

I don’t know if he’ll ever understand that. Which is sad.

I guess this is why I wrote the “Benediction for S”. It’s a year later. I’ve grown, I’ve moved along the path I intended. My life is falling into place. I still “know” that in Florida there will be someone for me, who can believe and accept and want….a woman like me, who is capable of loving fully, who is genuinely happy, who wants only the pure, raw, emotion of love.

Someone who will make me forget about loving him, completely.

Today, I’ll move along a little farther on that path. I have to get more paint for my deck. Not a lot. Maybe a quart or two. The deck will be finished today if it stops raining. I’m hopeful that a painted deck will help get an offer on the house.

I’m going to Virginia next weekend, for 5 days. The whole family will be there, both sisters and their families. We’re going to bury my mother’s remains with my father. We will put a little of her ashes in the lake my niece and sis have homes on, because Mom loved it there so much. We will memorialize her, and we will mostly take the love she lavished on all of us, and lavish it on each other.

Feeling blessed this Memorial Day weekend. Blessed by the sacrifices people have made so that I can live a safe, secure life. Blessed that there is love in my life….which never leaves me. It wraps around me like a blanket on a cold winter’s night. I know there are people who have never known that.

Love and light, all….

Note:  Picture above is one I took.  I think it’s Barn Island, somewhere S took me. Memories…..

Time to Take a Breather, Apparently


I seriously can’t believe how tired I am tonight. I slept ok last night, but tonight I can’t keep my eyes open. It’s only 8 pm. My day wasn’t particularly busy. Went shopping with a friend at Costco, went to cousin’s house to give her reiki. Looked for plane fares to VA for my mother’s memorial for my son and I. It’s a pain because he can only stay overnight, and I’ll stay a couple days longer. Plus we’re not staying over on a Saturday night which increases the plane fares by about 50%.

I sat outside on the deck with the computer looking up the fares on Kayak, Expedia, JustFly….. First time this year I’ve been able to do sit out there. Had some idle memories of sitting out there with S, nice memories, talking, gabbing, listening to his outlandish stories. I wish they had just stayed down below the surface where they belong. It will be good to get to Florida, where that won’t happen. At least, not quite so vividly, not quite so closely. I will be out on the deck there, but a different deck, different furniture, different scenery, different smells. Hopefully nothing to trigger me there, into a memory best left buried.

Whenever we would fight, before she was back, or before I knew about her, anyway, he would always say, “I wish we could just sit on your deck and talk. Things were always different when we could do that.” I wish I didn’t remember that. Because things will never be remedied by an afternoon or evening on the deck again. And truth be told, they weren’t then. Just a bandaid on a huge gaping wound caused by lies, deceit, and betrayal on such a grand scale. Oh how I wanted to believe.

Anyway, it was the first time I’ve used Justfly.com. And the last probably. I kept asking for flights into Dulles in DC. It kept giving me flights into Washington National, on the other side of DC. Exit, Exit.

I was texting my son, who was working, madly, trying to figure out the logistics. Nothing was resolved, and I ended up with a massive headache.

So why I’m so tired I don’t know.

Another thing I don’t know. Like why just now, I left the computer and went upstairs and put my pajamas on. And when I came back, the display had flipped the desktop to read completely sideways. So that I had to turn the computer sideways to use it. I finally got it turned back around, but why in the world it did that I have no idea.

It woke me up, enough to figure out how to fix it.

Maybe I’m so tired, because I can be this weekend. The house is on the market, and all I have left to do for Florida at the moment is get the electric and water in my name. I’ll have to begin to weed my stuff out, and make the dump runs that I’ve been putting off for a couple of weeks now. But right now, this weekend, I can take a breather. And I guess my body is taking one, lol.

Off to bed. Love and light everyone.