Category Archives: Pain

Crash and Burn

Posted on by learning to live like water

I didn’t stay afloat. I crashed and burned.  My “friend” with the serious health challenges set us up to fail.  Maybe he wanted me out of his life so he could deal with it alone, and not have to have me worrying about him. (As if I wouldn’t worry anyway.)  Maybe he just thought it was a joke, and didn’t realize how cruel he was being to me.

I spent the last 5 days worrying about his health issues. That’s all he would say.  He didn’t want to talk about them with me until he had specifics.  The reason that he told me that he had them at all was because I was trying to end it with him last week, and he used the symptoms to explain why he was treating me so badly.  It worked, I didn’t end it.  Instead, I did everything he asked me to do to help him keep his mind off of it, and to relax.  Including leaving him alone today.

Even though, leaving him alone today, was torture, because I knew he had seen a dr yesterday, and that he should have had some answers, and that he told me if the dr. called last night he had to go right to the hospital.  For some reason, he thought I wouldn’t care enough to be worried sick.  But I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t let him know how worried I was, I just kept things light, and gave him whatever he asked for.

Then late today, I heard from him, and I was so relieved.  I didn’t know if he’d gone to the hospital today, I didn’t know what shape he was in, I had no idea about anything.  I wanted to dance when I got a text from him. He made me believe he was coming over tonight.  I thought, finally, I might know something.  Finally, I could hold him, feel him, have  him with me so I knew he was safe even if it was just for one evening. I left work elated, imagining sitting on the deck talking.

But he didn’t come.  I waited and waited.  My stomach more in knots every second.  Would he really do this to me?  After making me wait all week, not sharing with me information that would allow me to at least know.  I mean, I am pretty strong.  I can deal with anything if I just know what I’m dealing with.  Finally, when I’d been waiting 45 minutes I texted him, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it from him.

He wasn’t coming.  He’d wanted to but he wasn’t.  And he wouldn’t even tell me he wasn’t.  He would have let me sit here all night wondering if he was in a car accident, or just playing a joke on me, or was trying to get rid of me.

I am gonna say….it was a passive aggressive move to get rid of me.  He can’t deal with how much I care for him, he’s used to dealing with stuff alone, and not having to worry about someone else’s feelings.  It’s about him, but I’m in it too, because I love him, because for whatever reason, he told me that he had some serious health issues.  And he has no respect for that, no care or concern for me, or my feelings, which are all about him.  Or, doesn’t want to have to respect, or feel care or concern for me.

Looking back through our communication, I thought it very telling that he said “I brought you in against my better judgment, because of your constant yammering. And now look, once again I am the bad guy for “hurting” you! WHAT ABOUT ME?” As I said, he brought me in to keep me from “dumping” him.  But what I wonder  is, how did I hurt him?  By doing what he asked?  By loving him unconditionally?  What about him?  He’s possibly sick, maybe very sick. But I did nothing to contribute to that. I did everything I could, everything I was asked to, to help him deal with it, which meant not asking, not being upset, leaving him alone. What about him???  I didn’t do anything to him. I never tried to make him believe something that wasn’t true, let alone refuse to apologize for it.  What about him indeed. 

Whatever. He’s used to being alone, not having anyone else who gives a real shit.  And that includes the past women in his life, as far as I’m concerned.  But at any rate….

We couldn’t get through it together.  We couldn’t even talk on the phone.  I wrote something, and sent it to him, trying to explain why I sat here crying for an hour or two.  We just couldn’t do it together.  We can’t do anything together.

I love him, but I have to walk away.  The relationship had gone purely physical anyway, that’s why I was trying to end it last week.  His words tonight were, that it was a good idea for me to be gone.  That he loved fucking me, but hated my temper.  That’s about as far from what I want as I can imagine.

So…we crashed and burned.  I tried, I have no regrets.  I hope he works through his health issues.  I really do.  It will be hard not knowing.  But we agreed to leave each other alone and that’s for the best.

Gonna sell my house and start over in Florida.  Better luck next time.

No More Heartbreak

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was with my ex-husband for just shy of 40 years.  We met when we were 18, married at 25, divorced at 58.  In that time, he broke my heart 1000 times.  Rivers of tears, countless sleepless nights.  Days of deep-seated fear, hours of sheer terror.  A broken heart was not something I wanted to revisit.

I left him when I was 55, almost 56.  I felt only relief from the moment I was gone.  And fear for my son, who stayed with him.  But mostly relief, that my world upon waking would be the same as when I went to bed.

When I was 63 I met S. A full 7 years after leaving my ex.  I was attracted to him before we even met.  I have often commented on our connection.  It seemed uncanny, it seemed that we had to already know each other on some level.  It’s never been a balanced relationship, but it’s been fun, interesting, and passionate. But then, last winter, he fucked the prison whore, and broke my heart.  To his credit, he knew he was going to break my heart, and tried to break it of with me before he did that.  But I was too convincing, I guess, in my misery, and sadness, and he couldn’t do it.

Since then….it has been off again, on again for us.  We have that connection, a physical desire, but we want different things from life, I guess.  We see things differently.  We react to things differently.  And the places we came from on our separate journeys were a long ways apart.  Each time now, that we are off again, it is a little harder to put it back on.  No matter that the love is there, will always be, it just isn’t making either of us happy.  My heart is broken again, I am guessing that his heart is feeling a little pain too, but I could be wrong.  I can’t speak for him.

Then there is A….who I met after the thing with the prison whore.  We became close.  A loves me, is not afraid to be vulnerable and tell me exactly how he feels.  He knows I have this thing with S.  A, however, is not here.  He’s off on his grand adventure, and sends me pics and  tells me how he misses me, and loves me, but he’s not here.  He’s out west, in one of the national parks….he won’t be settled in for probably a year.  There is no future really there.  And I never could drum up the passion for him.  But love, yes, I love the man. He treats me like gold. I think his purpose in my life is to remind me how I should be treated.

When I first told him I was going to see S again, he sent me a beautiful email, telling me he knows he only offers heartbreak on a platter, because he knew he would be leaving on this great adventure, but that he would balance it with love and tenderness.

But God, I didn’t want another heartbreak.  I don’t want any more of them.  I want to love someone who can love me back, fully, unafraid….  I am tired of the games people play in their heads, holding back out of fear, fear not caused by me, but by a past love.  Fear which has no basis in the present, but still colors everything.  I’m tired of having a passionate physical relationship, which never carries over into life, and living.

I think I’d just rather be alone that deal with another heartbreak.  I’m not saying that if someone came into my view I wouldn’t give it a chance.  I’d sure like to find the love that lasts before I leave this earth.  But I think when it begins to go bad, I need to just let it go, instead of trying to make it work.  Better to be alone, and whole, than have my heart axed in two again.

Transformation

Posted on by learning to live like water

I talked to my ex husband yesterday.  It is unusual.  I didn’t talk to him for 6 or 8 months, and twice now in the last 10 days.  He has led himself down the primrose path to destruction.  I believe that now, now that he has created so much chaos for himself,, he is reaching out to the one person who he knows always loved him.  He needed help sorting something out, and I was able to cut through the bullshit for him, (which is all self created by him), and let him see reality.

Then he told me his aunt passed away a couple of days ago.  This is unusual, in that this is the 3rd (at least) member of his family to die since we’ve been apart, but the first one he’s told me about.  It was too late for me to go to the wake or the funeral, but at least I can send her children a card.  They were part of my life for 40 years, I was grateful that he told me.  Which means to me, that he perhaps doesn’t see me anymore as the cause of all his problems, but as someone who just had to save her own life,, (and our sons).  Perhaps it means that going forward our relationship will be based on commonalities, on the better part of our history, instead of the abuse he piled on my son and I in an effort to maintain control.  I hope so.  I would like to see him as a friend.  It’s been 8 1/2 years since I left him.

I would hope that the same can be true of S and I.  S was the first man I was involved with since my divorce.  I feel still the unconditional love I have always felt for him, despite the ugliness that came up in the last few days.  I know we can’t be together as we were right now, but I am not forecasting the future.  How can we know?

My friend A left on a grand adventure this morning.  Downsized from a 3800 sq ft beautiful home to a camper, with his son.  They are headed out to the Olympic Peninsula eventually, stopping along the way where ever they feel the desire.  By October he will be in Texas at his brothers ranch, and then on to the Southwest in the spring.  I went to see him, and he told me,  “Look at me, I have to say this now, I won’t have another chance.  I know I scared you with it before.  But,   I just want you to know I love you so much.  You have forever changed me.”  I still do not feel the passion for him that he feels for me, and I’m glad, because I was just able to be excited for him to take on this adventure.  He’s a sweet man, we will stay in touch.

But the whole point is, love never dies, does it?  It can change, and transform, but it’s energy.  Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.  My love for these 3 men in my life will continue to change, but it will always exist.  No matter what has been thrown at me, the hate, the anger, the viciousness that can accompany pain….in the end, it is always love that is left.

I’m at peace with all of this.  I’m happy to have found a way back to peace with all of them.

Love and light, all.

BEWARE

Posted on by learning to live like water

Beware Some People Will Sell You A Dream And Deliver A Nightmare

Beware of Those Who Play Their Cards Close to their Chest

Because they are lying to everyone. They only tell you so much, so they can manipulate your thinking about who they are. And then they go on to the next person, and only tell them so much, so they can manipulate that persons thinking just as they did yours.

I was a secret. No one knew about me. Oh, he told me they did, a long time ago. But I was never introduced. I never met his kids. I never met his friends. If they called while I was in the car he either didn’t mention me, or said he wasn’t alone, but never, that he was with me. How stupid could I be? After a year……

Meanwhile…I was falling in love with the person he coached me on. I was writing all the secretiveness off to “he’s just not ready yet…” making excuses for him. Like an idiot. Like a fool.

After all, he took me to his “special places”. Bullshit, special. Bullshit. They were just beautiful places that he knew, from living there forever. It was just part of setting me up to love him.

For 2 weeks I reminded him a 3 day weekend was coming up. I was met each time with, “It’s 2 weeks away…..” I reminded him my son would be gone, I’d have the house to myself. I had visions….hopes….dreams….

But what I got was….an offer to come here for an afternoon. And a lot of grief again, for wanting to plan ahead, to plan for more.

Last week we met and talked, I did not want to be friends with benefits. If that’s what he wanted then we should split up. If he doesn’t know what he wants, then he should figure it out, by himself, and if he wanted to, check in with me when he knew.

Yesterday after explaining and re-explaining it for 36 hours…that I was not interested in an afternoon. A “nice afternoon” as he put it. That was the offer. After 5 or 6 times of saying “Look either come for the night and the day tomorrow or don’t come….” He finally told me he had a “family BBQ” at his ex wife’s that night, and wanted to watch the Indy 500 on tv tomorrow.

As if he didn’t know this 3 days ago. After playing me all day and night and morning this morning, bitching at me for wanting to make plans, for never being satisfied, for trying to control things.  All the while withholding information so that he could manipulate and control me.

He’s been hiding this, trying to manipulate me into believing that I am too demanding,that I want too much, because I wanted to spend time with him.  He probably went to his “family BBQ” and played the poor guy who’s girlfriend of 13 years left him last January after he put in a new kitchen for her out of his own pocket, and then got married. Never let them know he was in the process of fucking over a woman who adored him.

Gee….I wonder how sick the girlfriend was of his games. Imagine 12 or 13 years of this.

Me…I only lost a year to him. Believing his lies to me about how he was open to whatever happened. He was open to whatever he managed to make happen, which was to pull me from someone who really loved me, just to do it, and then use me for his own pleasure. How often did we lay together, and the next morning he would tell me how I “scared” him, how he was afraid of the feelings he had for me, and how he didn’t want to be in love or in a relationship.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I loved him unconditionally. I made excuses for him every time. I made myself vulnerable. I put myself on the table, emotionally naked and brave, for him to use. Believing that he wouldn’t AB-use me. I was there on every dark day he had. When he had to have surgery, even though he’d fucked the prison whore 2 weeks before, I was there for him. When his best friend died, and he hadn’t talked to me in days, I was there for him.

Because I loved him.

Stupid stupid me.

He didn’t and wasn’t ever going to love me. He wasn’t man enough to walk away from me. He liked the attention. He liked the adoration. He liked my eagerness. He liked what I could do for him. Even though he couldn’t or wouldn’t do it for me.

I loved him anyway

Stupid stupid me.

Allowing myself to be a secret. Allowing someone to use my sexuality for their own pleasure, with no care about how he was using me.

One of these days I will stop beating myself up over being so stupid. But not for a few days.. I drowned my shame in a bottle of rum, last night.  Good rum.  Gosling’s Black Label.  There’s enough left for the rest of the weekend

Gonna try to forget what a foolish woman I am.

Beware of those men, and women, who hold their cards close to their chest. They are full of deceit. And they will hurt you.

I’ve Been Played by an Expert

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been played.  By an expert player. While last night’s poem “Sweet juice of the grape” aptly described where I was then….I just found out the real truth, and I have been so played.  So used.  So uncared for and fucked over.  S is not the man I thought he was, he is not the man I was so in love with.  He knows how to play me, to get my sympathy.  But I tired of his game, and stopped playing and the truth came out, and I am so done with him….more done than I was when he fucked the prison whore.

Right now, I think that’s what he deserves, is a prison whore and no more.  Certainly not a woman who is capable of loving.  I’m gonna go lick my wounds with a bottle of rum, and  have myself a good cry, and when I get back from Florida maybe find a man who deserves me.

I might even give A a call.  We are friends, and I know he’d gladly hang out with me.  He’s moving in a few days, but I bet he’d be happy to do something with me to take my mind off of what S has done to me.  I know I’ll get over S, because I’m capable of it.  Because I know what I want, and even though I thought it was him, now that I know it’s not, I can deal with it.  Hope he can sleep at night with what he’s done.  My ex-husband was called unconscionable 9 times by the CT Supreme Court.  I wonder how many S would get.

i love my strangers :) especially the ones I have memories with aka friends

Sweet Juice of the Grape

Posted on by learning to live like water

letting go

Sweet juice of the grape,

Mask my sorrow,

Hide my pain.

Keep it from cutting a hole in my heart.

I will bleed, if it is on the surface.

I will writhe in pain on my floor.

Sweet juice of the grape,

Drown the voices in my head

and the ones on the phone.

Keep me from racing to him,

begging him to take me just one more time.

Into that place from which I find such great joy

And then such great sorrow.

Sweet juice of the grape

Be my friend.

Be my solace.

Help me find a place

Where his blue eyes will not torment me.

Where his smile will not lure me.

Where I won’t find false comfort in his hands.

Empty my mind of all the memories

Empty my mind of the dreams

Empty my heart, empty my eyes,

Empty all of it, sweet juice of the grape,

Let me forget, for just one night

How I loved him.

How I love him still.

Always……

Learning to Love What Is

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m trying to work some stuff out here.

I’ve got some kind of bug. My throat is a little sore causing some laryngitis, and my right eye is a little weepy. I have carpal tunnel in my right hand, arm, wrist, which has been acting up. And this morning, the fingers on my left hand are quite stiff and sore in the joints.

I’m a believer in the emotional component of all illness. I am quite rarely sick, this maybe the first time in a couple years. So I am looking at all the symptoms, with Louise Hay’s book by my side “You Can Heal Your Life”.

A sore throat has to do with holding in angry words and feeling unable to express yourself, the inability to speak up for one’s self, swallowed anger, stifled creativity and refusal to change. Issues with the throat in general have to do with expression, creativity.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has to do with frustration and anger at seeming injustices of life.

Arthritis has to do with feeling unloved, criticism and resentment.

Our hands and wrists have to do with the ease through which we move through change.

Eyes have to do with the capacity to see clearly. Eye problems have to do with not liking what you see in your own life.

I have had an ongoing issue with someone for the last couple of weeks. I wanted this person to do something that they were not comfortable with, quite simply. And I was pushing and they were resisting. It seemed a no brainer to me. Something that would have been fun, enjoyable…whatever. To them it was maybe those things, but maybe not. I can’t speak for them, only or myself.

So….as it turned out it came to a head last night. This person is not going to do this thing with me. I am going to do it alone.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt unloved. I criticized myself, feeling I wasn’t good enough. I also did not feel I was able to express myself fully, not on this subject, nor others with this person, because often I think that expressing what I really feel puts them under pressure. So I swallow it, and don’t say it, when I clearly want to.

This person refused to talk to me about it anymore last night, and cut me off from communication. I was angry, resentful.

Thus, all my symptoms.

Coincidentally, I have been reading Byron Katie’s “The Work” for our book club. And I put the 4 questions to only one of these problems, since it is a process taking time.

I realized that I have been stifling what I had to say about the situation. But I did that on purpose because I knew it would not come out with any loving intent, and I didn’t want to go there with this person. But you know what happens to the stuff you bury…..It makes you sick. Voila! I am sick.

I felt very unloved, and was beating myself up for being so pushy last night. I woke up with a very sore left hand. I am loved, even if not in the way I want to be, but by many others, and by this person as well. The person’s choice not to do this thing with me doesn’t reflect whether or not I am cared about by them, only that they were not comfortable with this particular thing.

But I railed against it, and how frustrating and unfair it was, and guess what, my carpal tunnel has been acting up all week.

I am not moving through changes easily, I am not accepting what is. My joints hurt.

And lastly, I don’t like what I’m seeing, and my right eye is bothering me.

Pretty clear, that the body follows the mind, isn’t it?

So…..doing The Work last night brought me to these conclusions. I don’t love myself. I am afraid of change. My thoughts are not creating a joyful and abundant life for me, but one of lack.

This is all about me, not about this person. It is not what they have done but about my reaction to what they feel. Like Byron Katie says, “Who would you be if you didn’t have that thought?”

I would be excited to do this thing on my own. I would share it, and the excitement, with this person, instead of putting the burden on them to create the excitement with me, and thus in some ways, for me. I would be happy I was doing it, whether or not I was alone.

I want to say maybe it’s meant to be, that I do it alone. Maybe there is a door opening there that I am too blind to see, or to fearful to want to walk through. But why? Because it is what it is. The reality is that I’m doing it alone, so I need to rejoice in that. I need to love what is. Why? Because it is what is happening, and it’s not something I can change. The universe doesn’t screw up, I have trusted it before to work things out for my highest good, and for this person’s. And so this must be it.

This person may join me in this at some point. They have said that. But they can’t right now, so I’ll forge ahead, and repeat to myself every minute that I can that I am loved, I love myself, I will create a joyful life, and I will accept the way life unfolds before me. By myself, I will do this, I will not burden another with these things.

I will walk through the fear I have of doing these things alone, and realize I am quite capable of enjoying them on my own. I’ll find my way.

Acceptance of what is is hard, until we actually realize we have no choice. So we can be mad about it, and ruin this moment, or we can accept it, and find some joy in it, and go forward happily.

I will choose the 2nd reaction. I’m sure it gets easier with practice.

It’s all a lesson in learning to live like water.

Looking for Solid Ground

Posted on by learning to live like water

Broken sleep.  Wake to a grey rainy day. It matches my mood.  It isn’t cold, That’s a blessing.  But it’s dark, the way I feel.  It’s dull, non-descript.  It’s going to rain soon.

It’s how I feel.  Grey.  Muted.  Non-descript.  Realizing that I have given myself away, and I’m empty.

A wants to see me again.  He’s moving.  He wants to see me before he goes.  I have not wanted to.  Why?  He was nothing but loving and kind, his only crime was that he was not S.

S….is currently breaking my heart, again.  It doesn’t make me want A.  It makes me want to crawl into a hole and not come out until I’ve stopped loving him.

It just makes me rethink not saying goodbye to A.  It is a simple request.  I think I mostly said no because I knew the relationship with A bothered S.  Not wanting to disrupt the healing I thought was going on with S, I didn’t want to interject A into it again.

But now?  What healing goes on between S and I?  What was, is no more.  The schism grows daily. I don’t think my saying goodbye to A will make one bit of difference to S.  I am stopping dreaming of being wrapped in S’s arms, because it doesn’t happen.  I am pretty sure that when I see him I will aggravate him, I will find out another reason why he doesn’t want to be in love or a relationship, one more thing about why he loved his ex girlfriend, despite what she did to him.  I will feel his anger, or disappointment, that I am not her.  (Funny how my sin of not being her, is the same as A’s, that he was not S.)  I will feel bad that I want him to myself.  That I want him to love me.  I feel guilty? ashamed? embarassed? at the depth of my feeling that he cannot match. I want to hide from his gaze. I don’t want to see how he doesn’t love me.

I’m in a small boat, out on a big sea, alone.  I climb to the top of the swell, and see the beautiful world, and sky.  Then inevitably I glide down the swell, and all I can see it water all around me.  And one little patch of sky, to remind me there is more than the water.  I’m ready to be on solid ground again.

A Painful Impasse

Posted on by learning to live like water

She loved him so much. Every day she would wait to hear the popping sound of her text alert, just to know he was thinking of her. When he called….he melted her heart. Not by what he said, but by the sound of his voice. Sometimes she’d play his voice mails just to hear him.

He seemed to like her, most of the time. Once in awhile he would say something that gave her hope. Hope that maybe he was losing his fear. Hope that maybe he was going to allow himself the luxury of loving someone. Once or twice he kissed her like he meant it. And stayed with it through the night. She was in ecstasy.

Then….the darkness came. He wanted her around….But he didn’t want to know her. He wanted her close by, but he needed to be taken care of, but not to take care of her. At all. In any way. She made up excuses. He’s in a bad place. His friend is sick. She did the best she could to bring him some happiness, even if it was only temporary. When she left she said, “I hope I helped your sadness.” He said, “I think you definitely did.” But her sadness lay hidden deep in her heart until she left, and drove down his road with tears running down her cheeks.

The next time….he called her and asked her if she still wanted to come. Of course she did. She wanted to be with him more than anything. She wanted his strong arms around her. She dreamed of another long passionate kiss. He sounded happy, he told her the door was unlocked to come on in if he wasn’t home, he had errands to run.

But then….he said he wanted to talk, and told her he was very annoyed with her……she tries to restrict him, he says. She is trying to tie him down and bind him up, he says. Why is she so jealous, he asks. Can he not look at other women? He doesn’t want to be in love, he doesn’t want a serious relationship, (after almost a year…..) He still loves his ex girlfriend, (who was brutal to him).

And in her heart she was asking, why does he want to look at other women? Why doesn’t he look at the one he has? She was done looking. She found exactly what she wanted. She thought.

It came to her….he’s just not that into her. He complains about her all the time now. He holds her at an arms length. Don’t get too close….. Once again…feeling rejected, feeling alone. No care, no concern. As if he wanted her to go. In the middle of the night, she lay next to him. Listening to him sleep, snore. She knew….the truth was smacking her in the face in the wee hours of the morning. She shook the bed with her sobs, trying to be soundless so she wouldn’t wake him. She wanted to disappear, to get dressed in the dark, and silence and get in her car and go home. But she knew she couldn’t do it with out waking him. In the morning, she sat down on the bed and looked at him. She said, “you were right last night. This isn’t going to work out for us.”

Terrified, she went on to say how miserable she was. How alone. How much she loved him and she knew he didn’t feel the same. And how she was tired of trying to make it happen, and tired of being ignored, and uncared for.

It spilled out of her, like someone had punched a hole in the dam. She believed his kiss those few weeks ago. She thought they were finally in a similar place. But now she knows they are not. That he is once again fearful and pushing her away. Breaking her heart again.

They talked around and around, nothing was accomplished. She packed her stuff and went home. She drove, numb. She didn’t cry. She didn’t think. She had had 2 cups of coffee. Nothing else. She’d been up most of the night. She didn’t stop for anything, she just sped home. Down I-95. Up Route 85 and Route2.

Her house was empty, gratefully. She unpacked her bag. Looking at the lingerie she’d bought for him. She put it away. Would she wear it again, she wondered abstractly. She didn’t look for an answer. She wasn’t thinking. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to give form to what was going on. She wanted it to go away. She wanted to be in his arms and be sure of how he felt. She wanted him to reach for her in the night. She wanted……

She wanted what wasn’t there. Broken heart, splattered across I-95 and Route 2. Pieces of it scattered on the beaches from Watch Hill to Matunuck. Dreams that need putting away. Tears that need drying. Hope that needs squelching.

But what of the love? In the end, it’s the only thing there is. And when all the rest is finished, the love will remain. Forever.