There were questions
Unanswered
For millenia
At least, in her head.
It’s the not knowing,
The silence
that neither confirms
or denies.
Holding her back.
What if, she asked, what if?
Answers came
Unspoken but real.
No longer blocked
By questions unanswered,
She ran to her dream,
Giddy with the freedom.
By Deborah E. Bedrick
Picture from Google Images
There is a risk,
In everything
Isn’t there?
Love,
Fear
Moving,
Letting go.
The risks I’ve taken
Were always scary.
I weighed the risks.
The possibility of loss
Versus
The possibility of gain.
Some of them
Worked out.
Some of them,
Didn’t.
At least,
Not the way I wanted.
But I know,
Beyond all
That if I didn’t take the chance,
If I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable to loss
There was no chance to gain.
I’d rather lose 100 times
With the chance to gain once,
Than to stay stagnant,
And wondering,
What if I had taken that chance?
What if I’d asked the question
And the answer was yes?
A dream knocked on my door
One day.
I asked it in, for tea
Or coffee
Or a glass of wine
Or water.
Whatever it wanted.
I wanted
to hear what it had to say.
The dream talked
A voice in my head,
whispering in my ear.
It slid it’s hand up my back
And made me shiver as it
wrapped itself around my head
and my heart,
And assured me,
Sweetly,
“You can do this.
It will be a breeze.”
Of course, I didn’t listen
At first.
But the dream stayed with me
It wouldn’t let me go
Like a halo of possibilites
It kept telling me I could.
I would lay down,
it would wrap around me like a lover
and whisper
“You can, you really can.”
I’d take a shower,
It would slide down my skin
Caress my arms, kiss my legs
“I know you can…..”
Little by little I gave up
Resistance.
I let it begin
To unfold.
One tentative step
After the other.
Until I found myself
HERE.
With the dream,
Still stuck to me
Like sheets after
Making love on
A hot summer afternoon.
On the cusp.
The dream unfolding.
The joy chomping at the bit.
And the dream,
Like a satiated lover,
Said,
“You could.
I knew you could.”
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture from Google Images
Too close to the abuse tonight
Again.
Too many memories
Flood my heart like a coastal storm at high tide.
Pictures of my sons chest black and blue
His eyes cast downward
As his father cast his own shame into his son.
The biting words, intended to inflict misery.
The way he used my son to make me do what he wanted.
Hurting my son unconscionably if I didn’t follow his sick commands.
I did what he wanted.
He’d brag about it. “See what a little pressure can do?”
How I had to leave my son there,
to forge a way to create a new life for us both.
Scared to death,
but the other choice was to die there, in his locked, sick, dark world.
I wake up, remembering that dark and fearful place.
Remembering what I wished, hoped, had been forgotten.
Remembering now that we made it.
Ten years later, life is bright and beautiful.
Grateful.
Why is it so hard
to say, “I fucked you over”?
How do you even know
Who you are
If you can’t own it?
Is it worth losing people?
People who loved you?
A son, a lover
Because the shame is so strong
For what?
Hold onto that shame
And lose everyone who ever loved you.
Lose everything that ever meant anything.
Because you can’t stand the shame
so you lie, you steal
You rewrite history
To avoid feeling the shame.
Your son has no father
Your wife has no husband
You have your pet shame
You hide it in the closet,
But with every word you say
The closet door cracks open
And the shame creeps out and
Stinks up your world.
Would that you could own it.
And we could embrace you
And tell you we are ok.
And tell you we loved you anyway
And that shame is no friend.
Lies, fear, shame,
Causing so many people so much pain.
Why? Because you can’t own it.
So no one ever trusts you.
No one ever knows you.
Not me, not her, not him.
So you walk through this world alone.
Your whole life
Miserable, unhappy.
Believing shame, when it tells you
You don’t belong
and you don’t deserve love.
If you only knew
If you only could see
How simple it is to leave it.
Let it go, own it
Send it to the universe
To atone.
Join life again.
It’s a late summer’s eve.
The only sounds
A child’s laughter,
crickets singing,
Leaves rustling on the tiniest breeze.
Summer meal on the table,
BBQ, corn on the cob
Fresh tomatoes and cucumbers.
Must be August.
Farm stands full
of things just picked today.
Melons and peppers,
Apples and peaches.
Pumpkins soon dot the ground.
The harvest underway.
The days grow shorter.
The laughter retreats inside the cozy warm house.
The leaves crunch underfoot,
And fires ignite in back yards pits to ward off the chill.
The leaves soon will turn
To red and gold and orange.
In a breeze it will rain leaves.
In a still sky, they will crunch underfoot,
come into the house attached to feet.
Think of me as the leaves fall.
I will miss the autumn,
The days of clear cool air
Before the north wind blows.
But when it blows, hard and steady,
Come see me then, my friend
In a land of endless summer.
Do you know, she asked
How big is the space within my heart?
Or do you just guess
That it’s the same as the space in yours?
He looked at her quizzically.
She laughed.
“You, who has spent no time
trying to open your heart.
You have no idea
How much love it can hold.”
You can’t know,
If all you do is protect
The small perceived space
That you think your heart holds.
She smiled.
“Come see me,
When you are sick
Of being afraid.”
Afraid to be loved.
Afraid to love.
Afraid to feel.
Afraid
Afraid
Afraid.
“I’ll still be here…..
Because
What you feel about me
Is none of my business.
But what I feel for you….
Makes me happy.”
He looked at her,
Questions galore in his beautiful eyes.
She smiled at him
Hiding nothing
Unashamed
Unafraid.
He turned,
He could not meet her gaze.
He walked away.
She watched him,
And turned her gaze to the sea.
At that moment,
He stopped,
And looked back.
Questioning…..
There is no way to say
I love you
Except to say it
Here
Where you might see it.
There is no way to tell you
That the pain is gone
Only the good remains
Except to tell you
Here
Where you might see it.
I want to wish you well
And have no venue
For the words to connect
Except to put them
Here
Where you might see them.
There is no way
To make you understand
That I have no wish to disrupt you.
So I tell you
Here
So you might know.
There is no way to say
I miss you
But I do, every day.
So I’ll tell you
Here
So you might know.
And remember,
On days where no light is cast
Love always and all ways.
The sunrise flames reds this morning
Reminding us
Of the beautiful world we live in.
Even those things that have been hard
Really hard
Are easier when the world is painted
Red,and pink and blue and gray.
It reminds me
Of the vibrancy of being in love.
Of the peacefulness
Of knowing who I am.
New sunrises await
In a new place.
Equally as beautiful.
Memories will make me smile.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture taken by me, this morning, from my deck.
She was born on the wind
It carried her to the stars
When her reach exceeded her grasp.
It carried her back to earth
When she longed for the safety
Of her mother’s arms.
She sang harmonies
That the wind carried to distant lands
She cried tears
And watered the trees below.
She smiled
And lit the dark places
She laughed
And soothed the suffering
With her joy.
Her name was Love.
Always and all ways.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
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