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The Day After Christmas (or Post-holiday ruminations)

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s the day after Christmas. I am off of work til January 5, which is a nice long break for me. But I am feeling unsettled this morning. Kind of like, wow, what do I do now?

The weeks before Christmas are full of decorating the house, buying gifts, mailing gifts. And baking baking baking,lol. Dozens of cookies, a couple of cakes. Trying to spend time with the people I love too.

So this morning….I’m making a list of what I want to get done. First, I want to get to the gym, lol. And begin to work off some of those baked goods, lol. I have errands for the house I want to get done. I need to clean the house too! I mean, you know, the get in the corners, get that space behind the toilet that I always let go. I need to get a new lens for my kitchen light, I need to start to figure out how to replace the glass in my fireplace door that exploded last year. I need to order fuel oil, I need to try and figure out how to read my fuel oil gauge, I need to get two new tires for my car.

But….I don’t want to just stay busy. I am feeling a need to be creative.

I want to write. I want to work on the book I have not picked up in months. I’m in the editing stage, and not really enjoying that as much as writing. But I want to actually finish this someday. So it is something I need to get through. Maybe it will be one of those “your struggles make you strong” kind of things. But here I am, instead of editing, writing this blog.

I want to make some jewelry. I have so many many stones to wrap, so many things that are sitting in my bead cases waiting to be made.

I want to get to the ocean. Crazy, I’m sure some people think. It’s winter. But the sea is beautiful now. The beaches are empty, and the air is clear. The horizons are void of activity of boats, save the occasional commercial fisherman, or barge. No one plies the waters to Block Island or Montauk for pleasure in December. No, the only activity is the sea itself, teeming with life below the surface. The waves, the perpetual motion, on the surface. The surf pounding the shore in its beautiful rhythmic song.

The winter sea

The winter sea

The sea breeze grazes my cheek, it tosses my hair, bringing me to life with it’s scent. It is vast, and beautiful, and reminds me I am a teeny part of some grand design, and I am blessed, and calmed.

Sometimes I am lucky and get to go with someone who loves it as I do. It is a place we share, that is made even grander by the sharing. We scour the beach together, he finds me a pine cone, I find him a shell, he brings me nugget of quartz, smoothed and rounded by years of rolling in the sand, perfect for a pendant. Sometimes we find a lovely peace of sea glass, the more rounded and soft the edges, the longer it has been kept by the ocean, which now gives it up for our pleasure.

When we look to the sea, I think our dreams are similar, not the same. I look, toward what I call “The Places of My Dreams.” The beautiful islands, coves, beaches, harbors, that dot the New England Coast. One of the places of my dreams I know what it is like to make a crossing that might be hours long, on a blue blue sea on a blue blue day. His dreams, I don’t know. But he spent years living out there, out of sight of land, in the company of few men, and lots of water, and fish. He understands it better than I…he reads it better than I. But our love for it is probably equal.

So, this morning, I am unsettled. I don’t know where to begin, but begin I must. I think I may want to take a small break from HAVING to do things, run errands, clean house…..let me have a day to myself, to remember who I am, to do the things I love to do, not what I have to do. See if I can figure out what I want to accomplish in the New Year. And perhaps, come a little closer to being the person I want to be.

Writing is so cathartic for me. I think, that after I go to the gym, I will take the advice of my man- friend-lover and “Let it be”.  I’ll let the day unfold the way it will. And let love lead the way.  Do a little more learning to live like water.

Attachment, A Conundrum

Posted on by learning to live like water

Attachment.

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Buddhism teaches us that all suffering comes from attachment. Does that mean all attachment is bad?

 

I have been dating, a very odd experience at my age, to be unmarried at 63. It took me a long time to want to date after my divorce, (5 years), but here I am. One thing I’ve tried to do, because I think I am oh so spiritual, is not become attached to any of the men I have dated.

 

That sounds kind of cold, does it not? But I think…it is not. What I’ve tried to do, is be mindful. When I am with someone, to give them my undivided attention, and time. But over time, do I not think that I might get attached to someone? I don’t know.

 

The last man and I messaged for months. He was not well, I kept him company. Finally we met, and we hit it off…it was just wonderful. We spent the day at a park on our first date, an old estate, on Long Island Sound, and the only reason the date ended was because the park closed. I keep saying I was not getting attached, that I was only enjoying the time with him.

 

But…then I’d check my phone for an email, or text, all the time. I wanted to hear from him. Isn’t that attachment, to a degree? I’m trying to understand the difference. There was a lot of desire, but that’s not attachment. And here’s the thing.

 

When I’m alone, I am fine with it. I don’t need a man with me every second, every minute. I don’t need to wake up with him every day, or go to bed with him every night. But….if I found myself missing this man when he wasn’t here, what is that?

 

If attachment causes suffering, was I suffering because I missed him? It wasn’t unhealthy. It wasn’t the kind of missing him where I was crying, or upset, I just enjoyed his company. We laughed all the time. I don’t laugh much when I’m by myself. But I didn’t feel that I needed him, just wanted him around. Just wanted to hear from him.

 

So…I don’t think I was attached.  Or, was I?  Or the better question is, does it matter?

 

When the relationship went south after a few weeks of bliss, I was sad, that it went south. We discovered some differences that we, or at least I, could not reconcile. He was, apparently, happy to remain as good friends, and have sex, and not evolve as a couple. I was not. Does that mean I was attached? No….because it was easy then, to say, we have to let it be, there is too much distance between us. There was no emotion overriding that, no voices talking in my head saying things like “But you’ll be alone again!” “He might find someone else!” “What are you going to do with yourself?” “You’ll have to start all over again.”

 

None of that came up. I was present every moment. The good ones I enjoyed. I enjoyed the relationship until it was not good. And when it became “not good” I was still present, but able to say, “it’s not good, and it can’t be solved, so love and light….”

 

He didn’t take it well….sadly. I wanted to remain friends, but that wasn’t possible this time. Funny, two men I’ve had relationships with, albeit short ones, both of them stated how they did not want to have a relationship, or fall in love, and both have gotten nasty when it became evident we were not good together. Perhaps, that is attachment. They were attached to an outcome, even if we were not on the same page, knowingly. I was not. I may get a little attached to the man, but not the outcomes, never.

 

I think that’s what causes the suffering with attachment. We get attached to the idea that this is the one. And we get so attached, we don’t want to let go, even when it’s bad for us. Even when that attachment makes us cry every night. Because I’ve been there too. Attached to the outcome that my marriage would last forever, that we’d grow old together, even when it was ruining my health.

 

It can be the outcome of any other situation in your life. Maybe you feel you are going to live in the same house forever but something happens to make you have to leave it. You have to let go. Maybe you dream of your children growing up and living near you and seeing you all the time, but then one of them moves to California when you live in CT, and you have to let go.

 

To be attached to your kids, well…hey, we are human. Of course we are attached to our kids. But can we let them go? Can we let them evolve, under their own power, following their own dream, and let go of the outcome we dreamed about all our lives?

 

As far as attachment being bad, because it causes suffering….well…there’s a whole ‘nother blog.  There are those who would say that suffering is necessary, not good or bad.  Just necessary.  I am one of them.  I think suffering is perhaps the birthplace of growth.  One of my favorite quotes is from Kalil Gibran, “ ‘Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.’” 

 

If you love someone, and you lose them, or they die, it hurts.  For a long time.  You miss them in your life, you miss the closeness, the connection.  As long as you weren’t attached to the outcome, i.e. thinking they would be here forever, sure that you’d be together til old age, as long as you just miss them and hurt because you loved them….I think you’re ok. 

 

It’s the outcomes. If we can just stay with the moment, enjoying the good ones, working through the bad ones….and letting go when we need to, the amount of suffering we will experience will decrease exponentially. We need to learn to say….”Love and light, all blessings to you” and wave goodbye when that is what serves us or the other person

 

I guess that doing that, being able to do that, happens when we realize that joy comes from within us. That everything we need is within us. When we learn to trust the universe, to trust the flow of our good intentions, believe…just believe…that it will all turn out ok. Live like water…….

Living Through Fear

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ok, I had a quasi-relationship with someone for a few months. It wasn’t a love relationship, and it wasn’t really a friendship. It was something else, a connection, really undefineable. It started out as one thing, then ran into a wall, morphed into something else, and then, finally, kind of blew up in a fit of ego vs. truth. It was weird.

But dang, it’s just come to me how strange it can be to see all evidence of that person’s involvement in your life disappear. Comments, “likes” on posts, pictures, texts, emails, all kinds of interactions just disappear. Now…I didn’t really do much of that. I don’t really care that much whether or not I have an interaction with this person, but he has made it a point to make sure there is no sign of me.

Blocked my phone, my email, unfriended me, unliked my FB page. Whatever. I dislike doing that stuff, if a person isn’t bothering me, I just don’t do it. It’s part of my life, why try and delete it?

Well,I suppose that if a person’s MO is to run. To hide. To retreat. To bring the walls around him in, so that no one else can get in, it seems like a good idea. He might almost be able to convince himself that I never existed in his life, that I never taught him anything, that he gained nothing from it, and that all the stuff he projected onto me, all the kindnesses I extended to a seriously messed up person, were actually done with an ulterior motive to get something from him. Even tho I have more that he has, and not just material things. I have a life that I love, a job that I like, a beautiful home, a great kid, a loving family, a warm loving circle of friends. He has a sad story, and that’s about it. He can’t drive, having lost his license for 5 years. He has a home, which is paid for lucky for him. He can’t work, because he can’t drive, he has a few friends, a function of having grown up in the town he lives in. But nothing that would be a motive for me to do kind things in the hope of getting some of it.

Fear. I gotta say, fear. I have known two men who make every decision in their lives based on fear. Never on love. I gotta feel for both of them. So, while he decides that the reason I took him to an art museum was because I wanted something from him, undefined, I really just have to feel sorry for him, that he is unable to accept human kindness, and that usually comes from a place of not believing he deserves it.  He thinks it’s his gut talking.  But any time we come from a place of fear, you know it’s the ego.  My ex also didn’t believe he deserved it. He also believed every kindness was a manipulation.  He also lives his life from that place of fear, from his ego.

Whatever. If deleting, and running, and pretending that I was never there helps him get through the day, so be it. He won’t see a sign of me. But…I gotta wonder how he’s gonna delete the memories of the truth from his mind. Because you know….That shit that you bury, doesn’t die. It just festers, and rots and makes you sick. So much easier to view the world through the eyes of love, isn’t it?

He is an artist, he paints.  He had given me a painting, on the first night we met.  I loved it.  I had pointed it out as my favorite of the dozens of paintings in his house. Yesterday, I sent it back to him.  I could not have it hanging on my walls, much as I liked it, to remind me of all the accusations he lay on me because he just couldn’t accept kindness as kindness.  Bad energy, even from something beautiful. Because he had to project onto me all the fearful thoughts he has about himself.  I put a note with it, telling him I hope he finds someone to give it to that he can trust enough to accept their kindness.

I am not angry with him.  And, I am out of his life, at least as far as anyone can see.  The electronics age is so easy, put the button and delete.  Now, if he can just find a way to delete the memories, the truth that is embedded in them, he’ll be ok……

The Continuing Journey

Posted on by learning to live like water

The name of this blog is Learning to Live Like Water. Lately, I have been getting some real lessons in that. I suppose I should say, more real lessons.

When I left my abusive marriage, I spent 4 years trying to disentangle 32 years of my life from those things that had tied me to that relationship. I spent 2 years trying to free my son from it. In the end, he freed himself, he walked away from it, to my ever waiting open arms, with the clothes on his back to the promise of a better life. I spent 2 more years fighting for what was mine.

All during that time, I learned. I learned about stillness, and unconditional love, and connection, and energy. I realized that I had been learning all through the marriage, I learned that what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. Smarter. More resilient. Hopefully, more graceful, happier, more fulfilled. Grateful. I became grateful for all that had happened to me, because everything that happens to us brings us to where we are. I like where I am now. Therefore, I am grateful for the lessons.

I didn’t even consider dating for the first 5 years I was out. I was fighting the good fight, for one thing, and had no energy to give to a thought about dating. I was afraid too, with a little PTSD, about it. I knew that I had a ton of baggage, which I didn’t want to bring to another relationship. If I were ever to have another loving relationship, I wanted it to be healthy. Not bogged down with the past. I have this dream that a relationship that connects on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level is possible.

So, about a year ago, I finally signed on the dating sites, and began actively pursuing the dating. I have had dates, some interactions, I have made one really good friend, but nothing that really clicked on all three levels. I made a commitment to myself, that I would not settle for less. Not part of that connection, but all of it.

So, maybe I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe not. But the whole thing is a lesson in living like water. Trying to force it does not bring it into my life. I have found myself excited about people I’ve talked to on the phone, only to meet them and have no real connection. Or, in the case of my good friend, connections on some levels, but not on all levels. He is a blessing though, because he is the first man I have ever been able to discuss the whole thing with, and we have discussed our differences, we understand them, but still enjoy spending time together because we connect on many levels. We know what each other wants, we know each others boundaries. Neither of us asks for what the other cannot provide.

Our friendship has been a great lesson in learning to live like water. To learn to go with the flow, to move around the obstacles, to change form. To continue the journey back to source. And to find joy in the present moment, appreciating what we are given.

This morning, I have felt a letting go. Just a letting go of that attachment to the outcome of having a complete, full loving relationship. I am feeling space in my heart, where that attachment was, which is now space for some new blessing to fill. Not that I want a loving relationship any less, but the time is here to let go of driving it, trying to make it happen. I have put the energy out there. The universe has heard me, I know because one thing I learned in this never ending classroom of life, one thing I know for sure, is that the Universe always hears us. And then conspires to bring us what we want.

I have been so blessed in my life. I have really learned to “Let go, and let God.” In the battle for my son, I surrendered, and he walked to me, on his own. In the battle to reclaim my life, I surrendered, I followed my intuition, I listened. I let go when my gut told me, I held on when it directed me to. I got what was rightfully mine, despite the epic battle that was waged to keep it from me. Lao Tsu tells us

“The power of intuitive understanding will protect you from harm until the end of your days.” I know this to be true, beyond the possibility of doubt.

 Today, my gut says to let it go. My intuition is telling me that is what I need to do, should do. Not to give up the dream, but to surrender it to the Universe. It is a slightly fearful thing to do, but I have learned to trust that which I cannot see, the enormous energy around me that will bring me what I ask at the perfect time.

Always, always, learning a little more, a little more deeply, about living like water.

 “Nothing in the world is softer

and weaker than water.

But for attacking the hard, the unyielding,

Nothing can surpass it.

There is nothing like it.

The weak overcomes the strong;

the soft surpasses the hard.

In all the world, there is no one who does not know this,

but no one can master the practice.

Therefore the master remains

serene in the midst of sorrow;

evil cannot enter his heart,

Because he has given up helping,

he is people’s greatest help.

True words appear paradoxical.

– The 78th verse of The Tao.

On Being Alone

Posted on by learning to live like water

I have always been ok being alone. In fact, when I was first alone after I left my ex husband, it was a relief. Just a relief to have peace, just to know that the world had not tilted on its axis while I slept, that as things were when I went to bed, however messed up they were, they would be the same mess in the morning when I awoke. I relished it.

 

In the 7 years since, I have been ok with it. I was anxious for my son, when he still lived with his father. Then he moved in with me, and I was no longer alone. A few years later and he spends a lot of time away from home, and still does. With his friends, or girlfriends. I was once again alone a lot. Still it did not bother me. I have friends. I have people I can call, usually can coerce someone into doing something with me.

 

In the last 6 to 12 months though, I have begun to be sick of being alone. And wanting company other than that of my girlfriends. I am missing, yearning, for a connection with a man that is multi-faceted. Spiritual. Emotional. And physical. I’ve had some false starts. One that was physical with nothing else. One that was, and still is, spiritual, but not likely to advance into the other arenas. A fairly good number that never went anywhere.

 

So here I sit, 3 days before Christmas, alone. And pissed off about it. And wickedly sad about it. Idk. I am totally willing to be vulnerable. I am willing to say I love you, first. I am willing to make the first call. I am willing to put myself out there, not knowing what the outcome will be. Because how else will I ever become connected to anyone? How else can I have the door open to all the infinite possibilities if I am guarded?

 

A few years ago, I was at a gong bath meditation, which is something I do on a regular basis. At that particular one, deep into the meditation, I had a vision of a wall. I knew that it was the wall I’d built during my long abusive marriage. It was made of cinderblocks, and every hole in every cinderblock had a note in it, telling why I’d placed that block in the wall. Some slight, some hurt, some cruelty, that I wanted to protect myself from. So I used them to build a wall, consciously, so that I could not be hurt again. That wall had been up for a LONG time. At the gong bath, I realized that it was time to take it down. That it was now keeping people out, keeping life out, keeping me locked in the prison that had been created for me, by me. I wanted out. That night I began to take it down.

 

To take it down, requires forgiveness. Each insult, each hurt, each slight. With the help of some great teachers like Eckhard Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, Liz Gilbert and myriads more, I learned how to forgive. I learned it does not mean that what was done to me was ok. It just means that I no longer allow it to define and control me. That it no longer hurts me, so I can move forward again with my life.

 

The hardest one to forgive is yourself. I still have a good bit of residual guilt over my son, and not having protected him better. But I’m working on it, it’s getting better. Mostly, because he is growing into such a wonderful, compassionate, man of great character.

 

So, now….I am ready to invite someone into my life. To share it, to share theirs. To tell my secrets to, and to listen to theirs. Someone to support, to celebrate, to commiserate with. But there’s no one here. I keep saying, I know he’s walking toward me. I believe that. But it doesn’t always make the long nights in my beautiful home easy to pass.

 

And just so you know, I am grateful, so grateful for my home. For my life. For my son’s life. For all my blessings. I just want someone to share it with. I have so much joy, sometimes I think it’s enough for two.

 

So, I’m writing this to work through this sadness. I’ve had it on for a few days now, and I’m about as sick of feeling sad, as I am of not having someone in my life.

 

Maybe, this is part of this life, this incarnation’s lesson. Maybe I am supposed to learn to be happy alone.

 

Maybe it’s just not time yet. Maybe the Universe has just got something better in mind for me. Maybe it is saying Yes, you can have it just not right now.

 

I don’t know. I do know that I need to get busy living my life, and stop wanting what is not there now. Why is it that I can be so accepting of what is in the moment all the time, except in this one aspect of life? Why is it when I wake in the night, I find myself either angry or sad that there is no one beside me, keeping the other side of the bed warm? Why can’t I say to myself, “that’s the way it is now. It doesn’t mean it’s that way forever.”

 

I’m 62. I feel much younger. I am still quite capable of being fully sexual, and actually enjoy that. Yet, here I am, constantly alone.

 

Time for me to trust in the universe, yet again. Long ago I got a sign that everything would be ok, that it would all turn out ok. And it has, it really has. I need to surrender this to the universe, knowing that when you ask the universe will generally bring you what you want in the fastest way possible. It will come from somewhere I will never expect.

 

I have to let go of this, send it out to the universe, and get back to living a life that I love. I’ve got jewelry to make, a book to write, cleaning to do, projects and dreams to come up with and work out. And let the mystery man show up when he gets here. If he gets here. Or whatever it is the universe has in mind for me.

 

Sometimes the work is easy. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it should be easy and isn’t. Sometimes we think it shouldn’t be hard but it is. I don’t know what category this is. I just have to follow the path, I just have to go forward knowing that the universe will bring me that which I ask for.

Think I’ll go watch last season’s Downtown Abbey.

Gifts from the Universe?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ideas for a blog have been bombarding me for a few days now. But usually they hit me when I’m driving to or from work, can’t write them down, can’t even make a voice memo on my phone because I’d have to navigate through the phone to find the app. So I’m trying to remember them now.

The other night, I was driving home at about 7:30, and the sun was setting, the sky had wispy pink clouds and was a bluish gray color. It was pretty enough, I mean, really beautiful, but then, the pink clouds thinned a little and there was a wee baby moon just a tiny slice of the moon hanging there in the clouds, just slightly fuzzy from the thin clouds in front of it. Very surreal. If I hadn’t been driving I’d have tried to take a picture.

Things like that are just such a gift. They make me glad I’m alive. This morning, when I went to work, it was very foggy, and the fog was burning off. So, when I left the house at about 8 AM, the fog was bright, (as opposed to the gray when it’s not burning off). As I continued to drive, the fog burned off above me, but it lay on the tree tops, on the hills. Softening the morning world. Then I went over a hill, the biggest hill between my house and work, at the top of the hill, the sky was blue, the clouds white and puffy. It was just a beautiful morning. I was grateful to be alive in it.

Small every day things. It was almost 100° today. Like one more blast of summer. I went to the cove for lunch. It’s a cove on the CT river. To get there you drive down an old main street that is lined with homes that are 200 and even 300 years old, wide lawns and at the end of the street is the cove, where the sea captains who originally lived in those houses, used to anchor their ships when they were home from the sea. I pull up right to the water, so that it feels like I am in the water when I look out over the hood of my car. There is no shade there. I just opened the window and let the hot breeze come in my car as I ate my yogurt, with fresh pineapple and mango, read a little, watched the seagulls, and the couple of boaters who were out, and then closed my eyes for a short mid-day meditation.

So grateful to have that place close enough to work so I can go there for lunch. So grateful to have one last day where it was hot, hot and humid, summer. Did I mention I love summer?

So that was one of the ideas for a journal, or a blog, that was rolling around in my head. Just the gratitude I feel for living in such a beautiful world.

The other one is Syria. Yesterday at work I read a news article reporting on Putin’s proposal. And how Obama was going to hold off on the Congressional vote to strike Syria.

All I could think of was, so many people have been praying that somehow the weapons are stopped from flying. So much energy has been sent to the people of Syria and to the universe to somehow stop this action that seemed destined to happen. I got an email from my Reiki teacher that she was passing along to her students from William Rand, the father of Reiki, asking all Reiki practitioners to send Reiki to the Syrian people, the leaders there and here. Lots of energy being directed at that situation, with the intention of peace.

And here a proposal to keep the bombs from flying came, from Russia, from Putin, the last place I would have expected it. I could only keep thinking, the Universe is working in OUR behalf.

It made me think that the “shift” that we keep hearing about (at least among those of us who work with energy and spirituality) is really taking place. That maybe enough people sent enough positive energy, enough prayers, to stop this from happening,  causing the universe to work in ways we’d never expect to bring about the ideas that might stop the bombs from flying. We don’t know for sure, yet. It has to play out. But the momentum has slowed for the rockets to fly. In the bigger picture, it doesn’t matter if, as I read later, Obama might have been orchestrating this, if Putin is just trying to set Syria up, there are so many things people can and will and do say to explain this, to try to find fault with it, but the thing is…Congress didn’t vote today. We know we have at least a few more days of peace, a few more than we thought we had. We know that the people of Syria have a few more days.

Dare we think that perhaps the world as a whole really is shifting, that the balance is beginning to lean in the way of love? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just crazy. Maybe I just look for good in places where it’s not. Maybe I oversimplify things. Maybe I’m naïve.

After the Boston bombings, I read on FB a sign that said, “There will always be more of us than there are of you.” If you believe in the Law of Attraction, if you believe that what you think about expands, if you believe that we can create the kind of world that we want to live in, then it’s not impossible that this proposal is a sign that the world is re-ordering itself, based on the kind of world that we are collectively thinking about living in.

It’s happened to me personally, so many times that I now expect that what I think about, with sincere intention, will happen. As a good friend says, when you get good at it, you have to duck when you say shit. And if there are more of us, thinking about a world based in love and compassion, and not fear, and greed and hate and anger, not ego , but spirit and soul, then maybe. Just maybe….we are beginning to manifest a different world.

Time will tell. Maybe it’s an anomaly, and bombers will fly by the weekend, and the path of death and destruction will be front and center again. Maybe, and maybe not.

But it’s important the we recognize miracles when they happen. So, I’m going to lend my energy to the thought that a miracle is unfolding before us.

 

 

Old Friends

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had lunch today with a friend I have known for close to 50 of my 62 years. We grew up in Iowa. We didn’t see each other for almost 30 years, and then, when the electronic age caught up with us, we found each other on Classmates.com. She lives not that far from me. I’m in Connecticut, she is up in the Adirondack mountains in upstate New York. So, when my son had a hockey game scheduled just outside of Albany, she met me there, with her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend, and we talked through my son’s game, and then had lunch together. That was 8 years ago.

Since then we have kept in touch. We are Facebook friends now, and find that the easiest way to keep in touch. I was able to share with her the exitement of her daughter’s wedding, and the birth of her first grandchild. She stuck with me through a painful, and contentious divorce.

What is so remarkable to me, is that she, and the rest of our high school bunch, have reconnected after all these years. I was married for a long time, (32 years), to a man who tried to isolate me from those who cared about me, and was successful to a great degree for a long time. It is a common trait of someone who is controlling, and abusive. I lived all those years, with really no mention of my past, my life prior to meeting my ex. I am not bitter about it, I only mention it so you, my readers, can understand why it is so remarkable to me, that we have reconnected. ALL of us. Karen, Dian, Cathy, Pat, and me……and we didn’t even skip a beat. We picked up where we dropped off years ago, except now we all had a lifetime of stories to tell.

After finding Karen, I didn’t find anyone else. But as I waited for the Supreme Court decision on the financial settlement which was awarded to me by the judge in my 3 day divorce trial, 4 years after I finally reclaimed my life, and left my ex, Cathy found me on FB. She somehow remembered my married name. And when she found me, I found everyone else. I was ecstatic. It was just such a wonderful gift, to get my oldest friends back in my life, after so many years, and that they came then, while I was waiting, waiting for the decision that would allow my life to go forward. A gift from the universe, a perfect happy distraction from the limbo I was living in.

Today, when my friend Karen and her wonderful husband left my house, I knew we would see each other again, and not so far into the future. This past winter I managed to get together with Dian, Cathy and Pat, all of us together, and it was a blast. Karen couldn’t make that one, it was very impromptu. I know I will see them all again, and again.

But when Karen drove away, I cleaned up the kitchen, then sat down in my family room with my son. And promptly fell asleep. I didn’t even think I was tired. And I wasn’t. I was at peace, I was relaxed, I was content. I have not felt that for a very long time.

There is something so comforting, so completing, about sitting down with friends who has known you your whole life. Karen and I, and Dian, Cathy, and Pat, have all known each other since we were pubescent teenagers, and we know who we are, at the center. We know each others secrets, we know each others pain. They way you do, when you are growing up and just live it with your friends. We’ve all moved, and had lovers and/or husbands, and kids, but we still know who we are at the center.

One of my best friends here in CT, who has been my friend since our now 21 yr old sons were in kindergarten together, grew up here, and her best friend, next door neighbor when she grew up, still lives in town. I have been happily envious of them, because they have had what I had with my buddies.

So….I went to sleep. My life is completed, I have the past, and I have the present, and I know we have the future. We already have tentative plans for everyone to meet at my house next summer. And the summer after, Karen and I may drive out to Iowa for our 45th class reunion. How fun would that be???

Life is good. The Universe will bring you what you need, and sometimes you have to ask, and in this case, for me, it just knew. It just gave them back to me. I feel like it was a reward, for successfully picking my way through the very difficult minefield of divorce and custody with an emotionally and verbally abusive husband.

Old friends….Thank you for today Karen. And thank you Dian, Cathy, and Pat for last winter. May there be many more to come.