My sister and brother-in-law came over today. They brought me the desk, and we rearranged the space and put up the oriental decorative screens they gave me. My sister and I put up almost all my pictures except two that need eyelet screws and wire attached. My brother-in-law took them with him to put the eyelets in and I’ll pick them up next time I’m there. This weekend maybe. I might go over Saturday afternoon night and spend the night.  Or Sunday after

We went to our favorite lunch spot in town, down by the beach. My poor brother-in-law picked up a bag of mulch which has been sitting next to the hibiscus by my front door since forever, left there by the previous owner, and I have not had the time to move it, or the strength, it was a big heavy bag. Well, today we found out it was full of termites. Suddenly my entry way was covered by them, and they were coming out of the bag. My brother-in-law dragged it to the street, because it’s my garbage day tomorrow, so it could be picked up. He got bitten by ants when he dragged it. Apparently they were living in the bag too.

They left soon after, as soon as we hung a couple more pictures, and put down the rug they had given me in my guest room. My house is looking and feeling more settled, more like mine. It feels so good. It really helps me feel more settled in, to have my things on the walls.

When they left, I finished putting my garbage out by the street, and then laid down for a nap. I still have this dang sore throat, but I want to go out to open mic tonight at the outdoor restaurant in town, so tried to grab a nap. Of course, even though I silenced the phone, one friend texted me as soon as I laid down. Half hour later another called me. I think I dozed off for a little while anyway.

Tomorrow the drill will be the same. I will nap in the afternoon, and then go to the artwalk downtown. We’re going early enough to watch the sunset from the pier.

It’s all good. I hope it’s not too much longer before I feel at home here. There’s a difference, I’m finding out, between loving a place, and feeling at home there. It is all coming together.

Love and light…..

I watched the sun come up through the trees from my deck this morning. I managed a good, long, very needed sleep. My throat was sore again by the time I went to bed. I took a couple of zinc and somehow managed to sleep almost 8 hours. Today it’s better, much better. It’s still there, like an annoyance.

I don’t know why my body is so exhausted. I don’t expend that much energy doing things during the day. I suppose it’s emotional. Repercussions of the move, buried deep. You know, they say, well, Iyanla Van Zant says, and is backed up by Brene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, and many other great teachers, that the things you bury don’t die. They rot, and fester and make you sick.

The quest for me is to figure out what it is I’ve buried and let it surface, because it’s making me sick. The sore, swollen lump on one side of my throat is this thing trying to be heard, acknowledged, be released. Maybe it’s something that I just can’t let go of. Maybe it’s years of holding on, being strong, fighting for my life, my sovereignty. Maybe it’s attaching to myself someone else’s beliefs about me, and/or stressing over them, that are not true.

Maybe it’s forgetting, time and again, that I too, deserve love and belonging. Maybe it’s that I don’t necessarily feel I “belong” here, in my new home yet. Maybe it’s the being alone for so long, the craving for love, and companionship, never completely or consistently fulfilled, that’s wearing on me.

Maybe it’s all of the above, or some combination.

My sister and brother-in-law are coming today. They’re bringing me a desk for me to use in the workspace of my house, for writing and jewelry making. My sis is going to help me to place the rest of my artwork on the walls. I have a lot of it left, and I need her artist’s eye to show it off. Most of it are paintings she painted for me, or just gave me because I loved them. A couple are prints from places in New England I loved. New London Harbor, where we kept our boat, and sailed in and out of a thousand times. Menemsha, up in Martha’s Vineyard, one of my favorite places on earth. It’s what they call up-island, and while it gets some tourists, it’s off the beaten tourist track. For the most part the summer tourists stay on the eastern side, in Edgartown, Vineyard Haven, Oak bluffs. Menemsha is a working fishing village. I loved a man who fished out of there.

When sister and brother-in-law come, they’ll help to recenter me, to give me a place of love and belonging in their lives, and them one in mine.

Tonight, I’ll go to the open mic night at the local outdoor restaurant. Everyone will be back, all my friends who left for Thanksgiving. My friend Beth has been working on a special song for it, and one of the guys is going to back her on guitar. I’ll sit with these new friends, and try to find a new sense of love and belonging, and try to let go of old ones that are now in the past, but still much thought about, and missed.

It seems crazy, on December 1, to be sitting outside at daybreak and the temp is about 70. I’m dressed in just my nightgown. Perhaps the dissonance between the rhythms my body has been used to for my whole life, of the 4 seasons, and this….the consistent, perfect weather that I craved, is adding to the stress that’s exhausting me emotionally. I hated winter, but I have some of my best memories in winter.

Still adjusting. It’s harder than I thought. Of course, having my car totaled and injuries from it, doesn’t help. But I’m still happy I’ve made the move, happy to be here. I’m grateful that I managed to put together the plan, and carry it out. Now if my lagging emotional baggage will just catch up.

Love and light everyone.

I slept late this morning, for me. Until 7. I had a difficult night’s sleep. You know, where you are awake at 3 AM, and don’t know if you’ve slept yet. Obviously I had, because I am not dead tired today. I made my coffee, and came outside to enjoy this warm morning air. It is tropical again, for a couple days. Only down in the high 60’s at night, up to 80 in the day. There’s some warm air blowing in off the Gulf of Mexico, warm, moist, windy.

I sat down out here and all I could hear were the squirrels running up and down the branches of the banyan tree. They are not used to having human company out here, lol. If I was in New England, I’d know they were gathering acorns for the long winter. Here, I don’t know what they eat. There are only these kind of big nuts that fall off this tree, and not a lot of them. But I suppose the squirrels don’t have to worry about a season where no food can be found down here in Florida.

I’ve apparently been on a path that I needed to walk alone now, for some time. I’m hoping that is going to change soon. I’m tired of being alone. Not that I don’t have wonderful friends, but no one I can count on to be there in the dark of night, at 3 AM when I don’t know if I’ve slept or not. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and find a new best friend and lover. Maybe, though, my soul’s journey is to find my own peace. I think I’m getting pretty good at that, at recognizing distractions which don’t serve me well. Based on my dreams which I wrote about yesterday, maybe I’ve just been prepping for the big changes to come. Last night began the new moon, which is a good time to set new intentions, make new plans, do some introspection about your life, and redirect it if that’s what’s needed. It seems, that even if I wasn’t doing this in my waking life, my subconscious was. Thus the dreams about drastic changes.

I’ve learned to recognize those who just want something from you, without giving anything back. Users, it seems, unable to even acknowledge that a valid statement or concern was made. Back in the abuse community I used to belong to, for 5 years after I left my marriage, we called this behavior “blanking”. Ignoring another’s existence, except to continue to make demands of them. Glibly skimming the surface of life, without ever diving in and knowing the richness it can bring. Gotta feel sorry for those people. They’ll never have enough.

Then there are those who will do anything for you, and know that giving acknowledges having, and receiving. That the more we give the more we receive. Like Neil Young’s song “Comes a Time” he says, “We were young, we were giving. That’s how we kept what we gave away.” So much simpler of a life, to come from a place of giving, knowing that you’ll get back many times over that which you give.

All we can do is stay open to all the possibilities that come with each day’s sunrise. I guess that’s why I love sunrise so much. Every day brings it’s own set of possibilities. Gratitude fills me, for all my many blessings.

Love and light

Sitting on my deck, yes, under the tree. Leaves are falling at an alarming clip, as if it’s perhaps autumn here. Except almost all of the leaves still on the tree are green still. I’m on my 2^nd glass of wine, and have had about 5 hits off a joint. I don’t mean to alarm you by my smoking. I do it on occasion, this is the first time in a week. But at times, it just helps me get out of a bad place to a good one, or at least a complacent one. Complacent seems to be a decent compromise at the moment.

They brought my washer and dryer, and took it back for redelivery. Apparently I needed a 220V plug in the laundry room, for the dryer, not just the 120V, which is what I thought based on the specs online. So I called my handyman Don. He said he’ll see if he can get someone licensed to put in a breaker for 220V and then he can run the line and put in the outlet. So maybe 2 weeks from now I will have a washer and dryer for real. So friggin aggravated by this. Been here 2 ½ months and still trying to get a washer/dryer installed. GRRRRR.

I had some kind of weird dreams last night. First I dreamed that my hair color was changed to black, and had a spray of red on the top. I was angry about the red, but didn’t seem to notice the black. My hair is almost blond, from highlights. I was yelling at people, wanting to know who put the red in my hair.

Dreammoods.com says that to see hair is symbolic of sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. A drastic change in my hair is symbolic of taking a drastic new approach. Seeing yourself as a redhead means that I need spontaneity and vitality in my life. That it’s time to make a drastic change.

Dreammoods also says that anger is frustrations and disappointments in myself, and that I’m suppressing anger in real life if I’m dreaming about it.

Seems combined with the drastic hair change, that I’m getting a loud and clear message, even if I was pissed off about it, lol. And apparently I have some anger issues to work through. Thus the smoking of a few puffs of a joint.

Then I had another dream. I dreamed I saw a cow. It was ready to be butchered, and actually it’s hind quarters were skinned. I was supposed to now butcher it. I refused. (Seems to be something I do quite often, refused to do what my dream says to do.) I know the visual is disgusting, and I’m sorry.

Dreammoods says that seeing cattle in your dreams means to proceed with caution in a situation or relationship. Although “cattle” would signify more than one to me, in dreammoods, they have a separate paragraph for “herd of cattle”. So I am including this, because I think it can be singular too. But just in case, I looked up cow. Dreammoods says that a cow is about having passive and docile nature, to obey without question. Maybe maternal instincts.

I never thought of myself as passive and docile, but yes, in some situations I am. For some people, I will do anything to please them, and put a smile on their face.

Now the butcher part. To see yourself as a butcher is about pent up anger and hostility. But note, I refused to do it. I was horrified by the idea in my dream, enough that it woke me up. So what does that mean? I would have to say, that even if I have anger and hostility, I manage to not take it out on someone else. Vehemently. I do not want to upset others with my anger. Which is why today, after they couldn’t install my washer and dryer I took a nice long walk on the beach. Then came home and smoked and had some wine, and wrote this blog, after I read a book for about an hour.

The beach walk was nice. I did 1.5 miles. I sat at the end of the pier and since I had it to myself, tried to just go within for a few minutes, and remember what it is I want from my life and who I am. It was a good thing to do. It strengthened my resolve, and now that I’ve looked up the dreams, think it was helpful in working toward the drastic change that I am apparently making.

Well, yes of course. I am 1500 miles from everything I know, everyone I know save a very few. Away from my beloved son too. Yes, that’s a drastic change, but the changes are still in the making. The repercussions of moving so far away will be felt for a long time, I am sure.

My anger and hostility have subsided, for the moment. I read the other day though, that if there is THC in your system, you won’t dream, and that is something we need to do. Which I did last night, when I had no THC or even Ambien. So I’ll keep the smoking down to a small amount very, very occasionally. I slept ok last night with no Ambien. I woke every two hours, but was able to go back to sleep within minutes. That’s a good thing. I hope I can do it again tonight.

I have a date tomorrow, a meet and greet at Panera Bread. I have messaged with this man quite a bit, and we’ve spoken on the phone a few times. So far, he’s thrown no red flags at me, but we’ll see. I’m excited and tentative. He’s nice looking by his pictures, which he says are recent, and he’ll look just like them. The important thing is, he’s nice on the phone. Kind, considerate, fun-loving. He said he’s glad to know someone who is newer than him down here, he’s been here a month longer than me. But we will see if there’s any attraction in person.

Gosh I got a lot of stuff out of me in this blog! LOL. Love and light everyone.

Waiting rather impatiently for a call from Home Depot telling me they are a half hour out from delivering my washer dryer. I did a massive cleaning this morning, moving things around, vacuuming the moldings, cleaning off counters, etc.

Then went and sat on my deck, and read. Finished the Anne Lamott book, Imperfect Birds. Thoroughly enjoyed it, but I knew I would. I have 4 unread books on my kindle. Not sure what I’m in the mood for.

It’s about 80 outside now, at 11 in the morning. It rained last night, thunder-stormed. I think it was the first rain in about 6 weeks. I heard a boom, and looked out the windows to see it pouring. But it was brief, maybe 10 minutes.

I have some lilies my sister gave me to plant. If Home Depot doesn’t get here soon, I’ll start digging. I hope they haven’t died yet. I meant to plant them Sunday, but I felt too shitty to do any kind of work. It was enough to make turkey soup, lol. And now I’m getting sick of it, I have to give some away.

I just got a FB message from a guy friend who has a home in Mexico and also about 8 miles from me. He’s from the town in Iowa where I grew up and is the boyfriend of my best friend from high school. He drives down to Mexico when he goes, and then drives back. He’s been gone about a month. He sent a bunch of pictures of his house, he’d had a lot of work done, and pics from his rooftop. Anyway, it was fun to hear from him. He’ll probably be back in a week or so. His girlfriend has been debating coming at Christmas, and if she does she’ll probably stay with me for awhile.

Well I had to come inside. My phone was dying and I don’t have an electrical outlet on the deck. Probably should get one put in, so I can stay out there while the phone charges.

Kind of stream of consciousness while I wait. Maybe I’ll make brownies, and give them away with the soup, lol.

Love and light to everyone.

Well, I’ve had a couple quiet days. Yesterday was such a quiet day, and I was in bed by 9, and slept til 5:30 this morning. I had to get fasting bloodwork done at 8:15 this morning, which means I could only drink black coffee…..I drink mine with cream. Blech. Couldn’t drink more than a few sips of it. I had a coffee waiting in the car when I was done.

I had a leisurely morning, paying bills, showering, and then going for my massage therapy for my neck and back. They are much better. My neck is probably as good as it will get. My back is much better too, but occasionally I get spasms. Came home, made a grocery list, went to the store. Easy. Easy Peasy day.

Retirement is a lovely thing. You HAVE to prepare. Financially, of course, and emotionally. You need to have some plan as to what you intend to do with your time. It’s important to have people, and I wish I had more people down here. And you have to decide where you want to live, and the financial repercussions of that decision. The cost of supplemental Medicare here in Fl compared to where I used to live is amazing, it’s so much less here. In fact, it’s $0. The cost of running my house here is SO much cheaper. The really hot months I have an electric bill of $80 or so. The cooler ones, I’m guessing $40. Compared to the costs in CT, it’s miniscule. My social security, when I start collecting it will go much farther here.

Some people tell me they miss the 4 seasons. I get that. If you like the cold, and hate the heat, you have to figure that out. I’d take heat over frigidity any day, especially considering it is so inexpensive here to cool the house. When it’s 95 and humid, people just stay indoors (or at the beach) in the afternoon, and then come out at night.

Once you’ve enacted a plan and worked it, it’s heaven. To have every single minute be your own, to do what you want. Take a nap, so you can go out at night. Sit and work at your craft, read a book, take a walk, go visit a museum or a gallery, go have a glass of wine and listen to some music, or (my personal favorite) head for the beach. Or a million other things.

You can have a busy day, or an easy peasy day, the way mine was today.

Anyway, all is well down here. Love and light, all.