Reconnecting

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a very hard time getting to sleep last night. I was up at midnight, writing. I have heard wakefulness is a curse of many writers. It seems to be mine lately, for sure. I wrote, some things that I won’t ever publish, just trying to express whatever it was that was stuck inside and trying to get out.  Leaning in, as Brene Brown advises, to the discomfort. Often that helps, just to write out whatever comes to mind, without a whole lot of worry about the mechanics. But still, as I sat on the couch, I was wide awake.

Saved on my computer is a short meditation, “The Great Bell Chant (The End to Suffering)”. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1ZwaEzMtJw ) . It has always given me some peace to watch this video, or simply to listen to it. I put it on, and after the first minute, closed my eyes. It isn’t too long, about 7 or 8 minutes. It is the first thing that helped me to begin to relax, and center myself.

When it ended I clicked on another suggestion on Youtube, for an Om Chant. It said it was 3 hours, but I thought, just let me listen for a few minutes, maybe it will clear my mind, remembering years ago a meditation group in which we listened to chanting for at least an hour, in the dark, and how I was always able to somehow shut down the monkey mind in my head. This video was simply a recording of Buddhist monks chanting OM, over and over again. Deep resonant voices. Listening to them, focusing in on them, my eyes finally began to close, and restfulness finally came to me. I found the same video on my phone, went to bed, and put it on. It was supposed to play for 3 hours. I don’t know if it did, lol, because finally I fell asleep, and slept until about 6:30. Only about 5 hours of sleep, but enough, especially for someone who’s retired, lol.

A few times in the last couple of days I’ve seen the term “metta” associated with Buddhism. Not because I was in particular reading or looking for information on Buddhism. The word just showed up, on FB, in my email newsletters. So this morning I googled it, and found a fascinating (to me) article on what it is, and how it’s practiced. ( http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/facets_of_metta.php ) It’s one of the 4 sublime states of Buddhism that leads to enlightenment. It kind of goes along with my post about unconditional love, but extends that love to oneself equally with extending it to others. You have to make yourself happy first, basically. And in serving others, you will find you make yourself happy. But, you can’t defer to others wishes if doing so makes you unhappy.

I slept well at my sisters, because I was helping her, and her friends, and it made me very happy to be there. I came home, to my little house that I love, but it was empty, devoid of that human connection, or so I thought. But connections remain, there is no space or time in regards to a connection. In focusing in on the OM meditation, I reconnected to myself, which reconnected me to all in a loving way. And I went to sleep.

And so the journey continues. Love and light.

Out of Sight

Posted on by learning to live like water

leaf

Leaf blowing in the autumn wind
Chased, for it’s beauty
Glowing the bright colors of the earth.

She chased it, with all her breath
Racing with the wind
To catch up with the apparition.

It slowed, and she almost caught it.
Teasing, a sudden gust blew it
Just out of her reach.

Across golden fields she ran
Through dark forests,
Obscured by the fog.

Up hills strewn with rocks
Through meadows fragrant with flower
She chased the dream of holding the leaf.

Always, just out of her reach.
Finally, exhausted
She let go the desire

To hold the leaf, to feel every facet
To know it was real.
She watched, as it blew out of sight.

A Walk on the Beach

Posted on by learning to live like water

My sister and I took a walk on the beach today. It’s weird how rarely we do that, when we both love it, and we are so close to it. It was such a beautiful day. I know, it’s repetitive, but still remarkable to me.

I’m putting up some pictures we took. The first one is sunset Friday night. It was the date from hell, but the sunset was amazing. Just amazing. Picture taken from the fishing pier. See for yourself!

sunset-12-02-16-gulfport

On the beach, we walked about a half mile up to a spot that is full of driftwood, just scores of trees and branches etc, piled on the beach, bleached out. I kept thinking the root systems would make cool tables, but my sis said it’s illegal to take any of the driftwood, because it is holding the sand to the dune. But here are some pics. Check out how blue the sky is. That’s really the color it was today. It was over 80° but very dry, so when you were in the shade it was cool.

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Driftwood beach

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Me

We came back, and both of us were hot, so we went swimming in the pool. After, I was sitting in an adirondack chair beside the pool, leaning back, and looked up and saw palms fronds over me in an arch and blue sky and thought, “This is perfect.” And at that very moment, my sis looked at me and said, “Isn’t this perfect?” LOL.

We are both constantly remarking how fun it is to be in each others lives on a regular basis. She was so appreciative of my help Saturday night. We work together so well in the kitchen, it’s scary. We don’t get in each others way at all, and it’s a small kitchen. Not tiny, but small enough. We laugh, and are saying all the time how we channel our mother for each other, lol.

So it was a wonderful weekend. I’m home, having a glass of wine, writing reflecting. Happy. Needing nothing, at the moment, that I don’t already have.

Love and light…..

Thoughts on Unconditional Love

Posted on by learning to live like water

I drove out to my sisters yesterday, to do laundry and to spend the night, but also because she was having  a small dinner party, and she asked me to help.  One of her best friends just had a mass found in a lung.  He had prostate cancer just about a year ago, and now this.  So, my sister brought together a few couples that were best friends with this man and his wife to try to cheer him up.

I don’t know that it cheered him, but it distracted him from impending gloom.  He hasn’t had a biopsy yet, so there’s a chance it won’t be as bad as a “mass in the lung” sounds.

I would call what my sister did, unconditional love, of her friends.  She tried to be there for all of them.  So they could support each other.  She gave them the venue.

We sat around and talked.  Her friends are becoming my friends.  As we talked, we opened up.  Told our stories.  Stood by them.  Laughed at them at times, laughed at ourselves, commiserated at times.  It is what happens.  Unconditional love doesn’t require perfection, it just requires acceptance.

It is the same with any friendship, right?  For the friendship to develop, people have to share their stories, to relate, to let you in behind their wall.  Intimacy only grows this way.  I have had someone in my life who claims to be a friend, but will only share so much with me. Enough to concern me, not enough to either confirm or allay my fears.  I would guess many of us have known people like that.

So what happens in that case?  You back off, when you realize they don’t really want to be close. When the two-way communication, and sharing, and trust stops, the friendship often dies, or goes dormant. This backing off is often perceived as a condition for love.  One friend is constantly trying to prove that I don’t love unconditionally.  Why?  To what end?  To justify, after the fact, that they chose to put a wall up?

Does your backing off mean you don’t love them, unconditionally?  Of course not.  Unconditional love is just that.  Unconditional.  Do I accept someone who chooses to leave me out as they are?  Yes. And I will let them be.  Do I love them still?  Of course.

It has nothing to do with whether or not I love anyone.  I once told my son’s therapist (court ordered, when his father and I were getting divorced) that there was nothing my son could do to make me stop loving him.  The therapist said, “Oh I am sure there are some things…”  I said, “No.  There are behaviors I would not support, or accept, but I would always love him.”  The therapist looked at me and said, “You’re right.  Unconditional love and unconditional acceptance are two different things.”

So, this is still true.  I will always love my son, I will always love the friend who now chooses not to talk to me.  I will be there for them, if they change their mind.  I don’t hold a grudge.  (Sometimes I wish I could, but I’ve never been able.)

I say a lot, “Love always and all ways”.  That comes from Byron Katie, one of the greatest teachers I know.  She teaches unconditional love, and acceptance of what is.  So yes, I still love that way, even if someone shuts me out, or behaves in a way that is hurtful to me, or to themselves.

Love and light, to all.

 

 

Eventually, and Always

Posted on by learning to live like water

The words are unspoken
And they tell the whole story.
Not the one longed for
But the real one, for sure.

Things are not always as they seem
Are they?
Life twists, and turns
And sometimes inverts,
Sometimes implodes on itself.

Acceptance of what is
Can be hard.
Especially,
If what you think is,
Isn’t.
When black and white
Turn to a million shades of gray.

Eventually,
Life will right itself,
If you let it.
To learn to let it go
Is a life-saving lesson.

Some things will never change though.
Love always,
And all ways.

Sleep Can Cure So Much

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sleep is a good thing. After finishing the date from hell, I slept a solid 7 hours, best night’s sleep all week, and I feel great today. I mean, really, this guy never even found out that I write! Or had no questions about it, anyway. I was having a conversation with one of the crafters who paints and decorates wooden boxes, and writes a haiku inside the lid of each one. We were talking about writing haiku. He had no questions, none. But as we walked away, he did manage to criticize her work. I liked her work. Pompous ass.

Oh yeah, and then he asked me if I’d ever be interested in sharing a booth with him! OMG, NONONO. Numbnuts. I told him I was already planning to share one with my friend who paints. Geezus.

Delete, delete, delete.

Ok, so I’m over it, lol. I woke at 5 AM this morning, but I guess I was supposed to, because I was refreshed, and felt good. My sis wants me to come over tonight, she’s having a dinner party. Last night I told her I would probably stay home, but this morning I feel like going. Told her I’d bring dessert or something.

This morning I was laying in bed awake, but it is cool in my house because it’s cool outside, and it felt so good to snuggle under the comforter. I decided to stay in bed and send 3 of my old co-workers with whom I am close a picture of the sunset last night, figuring they wouldn’t see it til they got up. Just to remind them there’s another life besides the cold and snow (which they’re getting more of on Monday, I guess.) Anyway, I’d forgotten that one of the guys gets up early like me so we texted back and forth for an hour or so. I am close with his gf too. It was nice to get caught up with him, about everyone. There is always chaos and drama going on at my old workplace, and I am just sooooo glad to not have to face that every day. No wonder my blood pressure was creeping up the last months I was there!

When I moved down here, I brought most of my Christmas decorations, because I couldn’t bear to part with them. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is sentimental about these, right? Well, yesterday I started putting things out and realized I have WAY too much stuff for this house, lol. So now I have to make decisions. I’m used to decorating a decent sized (maybe 6 or 7 ft) real tree. Now I have a 4 ft artificial tree. So far I got the angel on top of it, lol. I have enough lights for 5 of these trees. Not to mention stuff that just goes around the house.

Well, I’m off and running to get my day underway. It feels so good to feel good again.

Love and light, everyone. Always and all ways……

Dating Sucks

Posted on by learning to live like water

I did something tonight I’ve never done in my life.

I faked not feeling well to cut a date short. Well, actually, I didn’t completely fake it. I didn’t, haven’t, felt well all week. But I am better today. If I’d enjoyed the date I could have stayed out.

This date was the same guy I met for lunch Wednesday. He was boring then, but I thought maybe he was just nervous. We had already talked about going to the artwalk. He makes amber and silver jewelry, and we seemed to have some things in common. I decided to give him another chance not to bore me. Nix. Nyet. No.

BORING BORING BORING. The kiss of death with me.

I tried. I walked around the artwalk with him for 2 ½ hours. Including walking down the fishing pier twice. It was a really nice night, weather-wise. It was an incredibly beautiful sunset. But then we stopped to get a bite to eat. He looked at the menu, folded it up, and said he wanted to get whatever it was I wanted, so he could find out what I liked. What is wrong with asking me? Or paying attention to what I order? What is wrong with being your own person?

WTF. Like I want to lead some guy around. Who would want to be with someone who couldn’t even figure out what he liked to eat. Geezus. Whaddya think? Looking for someone to take care of him? He kept sitting at the table smiling at me, telling me how he liked looking at my smiling face. Obviously making me uncomfortable. I kept asking him questions about himself, trying to get him to open up about something besides politics, or how blessed we were to be in Florida. He asked no questions of me, except why did my marriage end after 32 years. That was after I asked him how long he’d been married, and then volunteered my own information.

When I decided I had to do something to rescue myself before I jumped off the pier from utter boredom, I said it was getting chilly. And it was, it’s nice and cool tonight. Not cold, of course, but in the mid 60’s. He tried to put his arms around me.

NONONO. I said, “thanks, I’m ok.” I was walking with my arms folded across my chest, consciously trying to send the body language that I wasn’t feeling it.

I also did not like it when I mentioned that one reason I like to come to the pier for sunrise is that I meditate there. He said something insulting, thought I know he didn’t realize it. He said, “Meditation is a great reason to sit your ass and do nothing.”

Blowhard know it all. I couldn’t wait to send him on his way. I wish I’d gone with my girlfriends.

Next…….

Watching Mozart in the Jungle on Amazon Prime. So much better than the date. God, I hate dating. Gotta give this shit up.

Love and light

Random Search Terms

Posted on by learning to live like water

Have you who blog ever looked at the “search terms” in the stats? Most of the ones on mine are search for my blog’s name, as you might expect. If not that, then perhaps terms that might relate to the title of a blog. Again, yeah I get that.

Today I had one which is totally random. I don’t know how it led to finding my blog. But the terms were “famile nudist”. ???? I have never been a nudist, nor expect to be, except in my own home, lol. Or maybe that of a lover. You understand. The normal places one is found nude. I typed “famile nudist” into Google, and got “did you mean “family nudist”? Maybe?

The search for “family nudist” got 11,000,000 hits. I went through 3 pages, and my blog was not one of the first 3 pages, which I felt was enough to see if my blog for some reason had a hit. Of course it did not. (Maybe it will now, lol, since I’ve written this.)

I can’t even get a definition of famile. And since the only “referrers” on the stats were Google and WP, I can’t even figure out how “famile” anything made it to my search terms, since a search automatically changes the word to “family”.

Well, it’s not really a big deal. It’s not the first time I’ve had search terms that made my brows furrow in confusion. But it is one of the most random. Just one more inexplicable thing in my life, lol.

Time to go take a nap  so I can be energetic for the artwalk tonight.  It should be fun.

Love and light…..

A Chill Sets In

Posted on by learning to live like water

It was hot,
Then it was not.
The chill became palpable
Unbearable
Unreasonable.

Why so cold?
The estrangement from the heat
Boggled the mind.
The closeness of tepid temperatures
Gave way to the distant wind that blew
Frosty air into the lungs,
Into the heart.

Seasons of life
Unstoppable, by one imperfect mortal.
Search for warmer climes,
To keep the lungs breathing,
The heart from aching.
To keep limbs from freezing
In the icy gloom.