Wondering
If he ever missed me
Though it’s best
I never know.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Painting by James Carroll Beckwith
Plumbing is Expensive
A small frustrated rant…
The plumber is here and got the camera down the sewer line. It needs jetting, it’s an old cast iron sewer pipe but seems to be in pretty good condition. Just has a lot of junk in it. So…to make a long story short and more expensive, they are jetting the line, putting in a new cleanout, and the price for all of it is $1899. I did not want to get my sewer line repaired for a Christmas present, but I guess that’s where I’m at. I should be good for as long as I’m in the house now. Unless by some miracle I make it another 20 years here, lol. I already paid $975, and now it will be almost $2000 more. Makes for a pretty expensive bathroom.
I will be glad at the end of the day, to be done with the plumbing problems. On to more fun things, like buying a shed….trimming trees…..fixing gutters…….
One day I’ll be done, and just livin’ the good life. Oh hell, I’m living it now, who am I kidding? It’s 75°. sunny, I have the money to do this. I’m gonna go sit outside with a book while they work. Who knows, I may have time to go down to the beach and take a walk. Tough life……
Love and light….
4 AM Introspection
Awake at 4 Am, out of bed at 5. Not really a whole lot on my mind, except reflection of where I’ve been, and where I’m headed.
I thought a lot about the two men I’ve loved, my ex and S. I clearly saw how I fell in love with them, and why and how both relationships turned out to be so unhealthy for me. I thought about the article on Metta Buddhism, about how you can’t, just can’t, care for anothers happiness at the expense of your own. Any more than you should care for your own happiness at the expense of someone else.
So many of us were brought up to be pleasers, wanting to make everyone happy. Which is ok, as long as you include yourself in that equation. But when a relationship is making someone else happy,or even just filling a need of the other person, but bringing you a lot of discomfort….it’s time to let it go. I stayed in my marriage WAY too long, in the end it brought me only discomfort. In trying to be the woman he wanted me to be, I lost myself. It took me years to remember who I was. Even now, that’s all that talking to him does, so thankfully, I don’t do it often. And S….yeah, I should have let that relationship go long before I knew the truth. It started bringing discomfort to me within the first year, even before his ex came back into the picture and he began the grand betrayal of both of us. It was always a push-pull game, and I’m really not much of a player. I don’t understand the rules. Nor do I want to. Again, I filled some egoic need of his, but he was careful not to allow himself to give too much to me.
Both relationships were a matter of me thinking that I could please them enough eventually, and they’d love me the way I loved them. In retrospect, with time and distance, I don’t think either man is capable of that kind of love, mostly because neither one of them loves themselves.
It was just an observation this morning. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so.
I get “Notes from the Universe” in my email every day Monday through Friday. (www.tut.com) They are written by Mike Dooley, who some of you might recognize from his work with the Law of Attraction. Everyone gets the same note. This was today’s note, which seemed to speak to the observations I was making in the dark, under my comforter.
“Just do it, Debbie.
Everything you need to know, you know, and everything you need to have, you have. Everything!
Time and Space is a primitive school. There are bigger challenges “out there,” bigger adventures, and lots more friends, but you gotta do what you gotta do, here and now. You gotta live the truths you’ve discovered, apply the principles, and never again think, “Why isn’t it working?” “It’s hard,” “I don’t know,” because such thoughts are like hitting the replay button for whatever you’ve just been through.
Look ahead with your dreams in mind and give thanks, because you know exactly what to do.
Tallyho,
The Universe”
I read this, thinking, I know this. I KNOW this. So…gonna try to do this more now. Not forgetting the lessons of the past, but incorporating them into my vision of the future. I hate covering the same ground twice, so I need to stop putting myself in a position where I’m doing that, going forward.
I guess some needed introspection was why I woke up at 4 AM, clear-headed and rested. I guess I needed to put this stuff in it’s place in my psyche
Love and light to everyone.
The Rear View Mirror
I woke this morning at 4 AM, with thoughts of the past rolling around in my head. Not upsetting, just kind of observing them. Knowing that my life is ahead of me, and because of the lessons the past taught me, life will only become more rich, more full, more joyful. I happened to see this meme on FB almost first thing. Totally expresses what I am feeling. Love and light, everyone.
What Makes Life Perfect?
I’ve been busy again today, folks. I went to the dr this morning to go over my labwork, and he changed my medication for diabetes. He took me off of insulin altogether. That’s a good thing, and it’s caused, I guess, by my weight loss. I am happy about that. My bp was 100/60, and I am otherwise very healthy.
When I got home I had an electrician come and give me an estimate on my 220V outlet for my dryer, and also a price on fixing the outlets in my bedroom. I think I’m going to try to go with a gas dryer, but he said he could fix the bedroom outlets. My handyman replaced the one old outlet with a new one, but it didn’t make any difference, none of them work. The electrician said it would not be a big deal, and also that he could put a pull chain on the bathroom light over my mirror that is perpetually on, and has no switch, lol I just twist the bulb on and off to use it.
I started painting the desk my sister and her hubby gave me. I got about a third of it painted. I had time to do more, but it’s a lot of leaning over and bending and my back, from the accident, can only take so much. It’s a small desk. It will be done in a few days. Then I’ll be able to start working over there, making jewelry. Maybe write there too. It’s in a nice sunny corner of the living room.
I put up the two prints that my brother-in-law put the hanging wire on. One is of New London harbor where I kept my boat for 25 years. The other is of Menemsha harbor in Martha’s Vineyard, one of my favorite places on earth. All of my artwork is now up on the walls, and I just love seeing it all. I think having your stuff up on the walls makes it feel so much more like home.
A friend called and asked for a ride to the library to pick some stuff up. It’s about a mile away. She’d just gotten home from work, riding her bike, and ended up riding through a torrential downpour that lasted for about 10 minutes.
I talked to a friend in Montana for almost 2 hours in the late afternoon! Then made a good dinner, and sat down on the couch and fell asleep, lol
I told my son that I want to facetime him tomorrow. I need to see his smiling face. I miss that kid so much. Christmas will be hard this year, for both of us. Glad my sister is here. I wish my son had family there.
Life is rich, and full. Not perfect, by a long shot, but rich and full. Which makes it perfect.
Love and light, all.What
Transcendence
Reach for me
You, whose face
I cannot yet see,
Find this place.
I wait, in colorful song
To know the beating of your heart.
Wondering, when I will belong
To the one who will be part
Of a life, long dreamed of
Not made manifest
Love rises above
Stories professed
Now, tell me a new one
When your path crosses mine
The story’s begun
It’s transcended time.
A Noisy Silence
A noisy silence in my ears
A thousand songs of love and loss
Hope and despair
Joy and sorrow.
Ah, but life is for living
Not regretting.
The songs fill my heart
And I smile.
Who has not felt all those things?
They made me grow
Taught me who I am
Breathed contentment into my soul.
I don’t cry,
I remember.
None of it hurts,
It just was.
The good parts
Bring a twinkle to my eyes
But they too,
Just were.
Moments in time,
A continuous story
My story.
And sometimes, yours too.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Painting by Fred Michaels, Saatchi Art, Google Images
Haiku No.232: Rain Comes
Gray clouds herald rain
Strong breeze carries it aloft
Parched lawns are grateful.
Beth Hart: Hold Me Through The Night
I play music pretty much all day, until dinner. Then I turn on the tv for a couple hours. But all day while I’m writing and working in the house and driving in the car, I’m playing music. I have a real soft spot for Van Morrison, and for Beth Hart. Tonight, Beth Hart’s songs “Hold Me Through the Night” and “Tell Her You Belong To Me.” are echoing in my head, so I thought I’d put up this video of “Hold me Through the Night.” Hope you enjoy it.
Phew! Busy Day!
It was one of those days today.
I made an appointment Wednesday to to the rest of the repairs on my sewer problem. Another $900…..But I can quit worrying about it when that’s done.
I went to Walmart to pick up my prescriptions. I expected to pay $30, $15 each for two of them, nothing for the other 2 or 3. The pharmacy ass’t brought the bag up and said, “That will be $782.”
WHAT????? Um, no. It was the first time I picked it up with the new insurance. I gave them my card and asked them to check again. It came up the same. Naturally I didn’t take it, and naturally my stomach was doing flips. I was trying to remember exactly my conversation with the rep over a month ago. I was pretty sure it had to be something simple, I know I knew what the cost should be.
I called the rep, and she told me it was because the dr didn’t get prior authorization before calling the meds in. So I told her I have an appt tomorrow and will straighten it out then.
End of panic attack.
I had to go to the bank, because every time I try to do an e-check on line, the bank can’t recognize the account number. It does a paper check fine, a debit card charge fine, but not an e-check. Down here they generally charge you a 3% service charge to pay a bill via a debit card, so I’ve used e-check to pay those that charge it. But it bounced my property tax payment, and might cost me $40…so I had to resolve it.
They had to treat it like a lost or stolen acc’t and give me a whole new account number. They promised that the charges, and checks on the old account will automatically go to the new account. So I’ll see..
On to Home Depot. I talked to the people in the appliance dept about my washer/dryer that I refused delivery on because I needed a 220V outlet. Turns out the dryer is also available in a natural gas configuration, and I have gas, so I am also gonna get a price on running the gas to my laundry closet. They said it should be no problem to change the unit from electric to gas. I’m going to have the plumber give me a price on running the line when he comes Wed to finish the work on my sewer connection. Gas is apparently much cheaper to run. Then I got some other things I needed and headed home.
I was just leaving to go take a walk, and my handy-man called and said he could come put in a new outlet in my bedroom and see if that fixed the issue of no outlets working. I told him to come, I would rather get that done than walk, lol. He came and put it in, but it didn’t resolve my problems. I have an electrician coming tomorrow, to price up the 220V outlet, and will get a price on the problem with none of the outlets working in the bedroom.
After that a friend stopped by, and we sat outside and at my kitchen table and talked for about an hour. That was nice.
So it was a busy day, for a retired person. Got a lot done, and didn’t get done all I wanted. Feeling content tonight, happy. If I can sleep, I’ll be really happy.
Love and light.
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