You showed me your smile

It made my heart grow sparkles

I send them to you.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Shutterstock via Google Images

It’s nice to have been living in a bubble for a few days. No news, no FB. No extremes. Just happiness, contentment. This morning, a little reality. A senator is shot. Russia hearings are contentious. tRump is still an asshole. It’s still raining on and off. Blog still being stalked.

It’s a bunch of bad news, as usual. Such a dichotomy, to have a happy personal life, and then when I see a larger picture, to see so much pain and ugliness in the world. People trying to drum up drama so the world will pay attention to them. People who have no life of their own and so have to steal a bit of other people’s lives.

Seems crazy. But I suppose it’s all meant to be. To be where we are.

A friend from CT texted me that she was re-reading a book our book club read, Loving What Is by Byron Katie. I guess she’s trying to remember to stay in the moment, and remember that everything that happens was supposed to happen. It was a reminder for me too, that everything that has happened in my life has led me right to where I am. Which is a pretty damn good place.

The farther I get from the drama I was in, the more unreal it is to me that I ever bought into it. But I guess I needed to, it all needed to happen to allow the good stuff that is happening now into my life.

I may try a little fiction this afternoon. Not promising anything, but I may start it. I need to pick something from my life that can be fictionalized. Or I might just go make jewelry. I probably need to go to the grocery store. Need to trim back a hibiscus bush. Lots of little odds and ends ineed doing while it’s not raining.

So I’m on my own until open mic tomorrow. Hope it doesn’t rain again tomorrow night. There are thunderstorms in the forecast every single day. Monsoon season.

Love and light.

Last night Dan and I went to dinner at Gulfport’s little Italian restaurant. It has won awards for the best Italian food in the St. Pete area, and I’d eaten there before with my sis and brother-in-law and knew it was good. (The dinner was the gift of his mother for the two of us. I’ve been doing some baking and bringing her some when I go over there. At 90 years old she doesn’t get out much and doesn’t bake, so she really appreciates the treats.) We had an exquisite meal. Appetizers, salad, entree, and dessert, and a bottle of server-suggested cabernet.

The restaurant has indoor seating and outdoor. The outdoor has a sturdy roof, and gardens along the back, which is where we sat. About half way through the meal it started raining. We were enjoying watching the rain about 6 feet from us in the garden, but we were dry. It was quite hot last night, about 90°, and very high humidity, so it cooled off as it rained.

Quite suddenly the rain became a torrential thunderstorm. The lights were blinking on and off, and the wind started really blowing. There were lightning flashes so close there was no distance between the flash and the thunder. I love thunderstorms, if I’m safe. (I only haven’t liked them when I’ve been anchored out in a bay on the boat, especially when they hit at night. That was kind of scary.) Eventually, we had to move ourselves to a table further inside the covered patio space, because the wind was blowing the rain on us.

But it still felt like a perfect night, is the point. The storm was really a huge one, but they never last too long. The street outside the restaurant was flooded for a long time, which is why we decided to indulge in desserts, because we weren’t leaving any time soon. Tiramisu, and an orange cream merengue pie that was to die for. We’d gone there about 6 pm. We left about 3 ½ hours later. We decided that it was our favorite restaurant in Gulfport. The food was fabulous, the setting made me want to go to Italy more than ever. And the company was so pleasant, kind, considerate.

We both remarked how2 or 3 months ago, we couldn’t even imagine being at this place with a significant other that we really cared for. It’s amazing how life changes. It’s amazing how the universe can bring you what you want and need, if you just surrender control to it. We both have had some really hard stuff that we’ve gone through in our lives, but we both feel it was supposed to be, because here we are. I still say I manifested him in my life. When I wasn’t being made a part of stupid games or trying to get through my divorce, I’ve always said the man I dream of is walking toward me. I can’t speak for him, but I’m pretty sure he’s as happily surprised as I am that love has come into his life at this late date.

We both have stories of how we have, in the past, surrendered to the greater power that I call The Universe. It was done out of need, out of being at the bottom, out of just needing to give it over and trust because there was no other option. Surrender, and let The Universe drive the train. I’ve come to know that will get you where you want to be faster than anything we as humans can do. Paths are carved, connections are made, journeys evolve and merge. It’s amazing when we realize all that’s happened needed to happen to get us to where we are.

I think I’ll just stay a passenger on this trip. Dan too. We’re enjoying the ride. Love and light to all.

I’ve had a busy couple of days, last blog notwithstanding. Dealing with the mice or rats, for starters. We refilled the bait trays a couple of times, and they seem to have way slowed down their eating. So I’m guessing in a day or two I can put my food back in the cabinet. One of my friends asked me how big the poops were, and I said about a half inch. She said, “Ohhhhh. Fruit rats. They are about 6” long.” Which totally creeped me out. But regardless, we seemed to have dealt with them.

Got my lawn mowed again, which was nice. It has been raining so much it grew like it was New England. Crazy. I didn’t mow it for almost 6 months, it was drying out, and dying. And now it’s green again, and has been mowed for 2 weeks in a row. Crazy.

Yesterday morning, Dan and I took a walk down by the water, since it was the first morning without rain in about a week. Even though it was sunny, it was hot, really hot. We stopped and had breakfast at one of our favorite restaurants for breakfast. The restaurant has indoor and outdoor seating but we sat indoors for a change. For the air conditioning. It was really nice to do that.

We went to open mic night last night. My friends all really like Dan, he’s fit right in easily. It was really fun. The restaurant had a good crowd, which is not the norm in the off season. And it was one of the regular performers birthday. He brought a couple of birthday cakes, and the restaurant served them up. We must have sung happy birthday 4 times, lol. Different renditions each time.

This afternoon he went home to tend to some things there. I went to Walmart, and have been baking stuff ever since. Just in the mood. I guess it’s more fun when there are people to cook for who appreciate it. Besides writing. LOL. It’s that balance thing. We need balance, both of us, despite the fact that we totally enjoy each other’s company. I’ll see him again tomorrow.  I’m just taking a breath….doing what I love to do.

It’s the life I kept hoping for. And I still pinch myself every day. Love and light.

My longtime readers know that I had a very turbulent, difficult relationship with Scott. It ended completely a couple months ago, and into my life walked Dan, who I’ve referred to as D. We have everything I ever dreamed of having in a relationship. Trust, love, laughter, families, friends. It’s more than awesome. It’s rich and full and lasting.

I have not heard from Scott since, directly, since that time. He has been commenting on my friend’s blog, https://myjourneyintodarkness.wordpress.com/ where he outted himself to her, as “the infamous Scott.” I have ignored these comments, because he always told me he liked her writing, and they were not directed at me, at least, not overtly.

In the last couple of days I have come to find hat this week, since late in the day Monday June 5, he has visited my blog about 40 times. Yes, 40 times in 3 ½ days. As far as I’m concerned that borders on obsession. I have only written about him in the last maybe 6 weeks a couple of times, and that was only as to his place chronologically in something I was learning about myself. I’m not sure what he’s looking for, and it really doesn’t matter.

I also found out that his old girlfriend (or maybe they are back together by now, I have no idea) reads it pretty much every day, though she only visits once or twice a day.

It is weird to me. I have made it clear that I have found what I was looking for all along. The relationship with him ended badly, as it always did. He was on the verge of coming here, had a ticket bought, he and the old girlfriend had broken up a couple months before. I cancelled it 5 days before, for good and valid reason, and knew that what he had to offer was not what I wanted in my life. I will always love some things about him, but the chaos, negativity, selfishness, and inability to be faithful and many of the choices he makes were not what I could stand to have in my life. I tried to stay friends, it was not possible.

He and the girlfriend had broken up many times for many months in the past. I met him during a time when they were broken up for 18 months. I told him this time to just wait, that eventually she’d want him back. He said maybe so, but he didn’t want her, which I have no way of knowing if it were true or not. He could have been saying that for my benefit. It could have been true.

I write this stuff here so there is clarity for both of them. Why either of them is reading is up to supposition, and I’m not willing to put my thoughts out here regarding what I may think, because I have no way of knowing, and I don’t think it’s my place to put out any theories as to the why.

I do know that it makes me uncomfortable to know he is stalking me like that, checking my blog for a new entry 17 times yesterday. I don’t really care that she reads it. I can’t imagine what she gets out of reading a blog about her boyfriends ex-lover’s new relationship. But it’s none of my business.

At least now, you both know what the other is doing. Maybe you should talk to each other. Maybe you are. I don’t know, and more importantly I don’t care. But I think you should understand that I have moved on, to a new life, a new love, and am happier than I’ve been in decades. That is what I write about mostly now, and will continue to be. It has to be boring for both of you. I am not trying to make you jealous Scott, and Betty, there is no cover up going on here anymore. I am done.

I wish you both well, and I hope you go on with your own lives and find the happiness that I have managed to find.

Love and light.

My morning routine was disrupted this morning because I had to get fasting bloodwork done for a routine diabetes dr. visit next week. My glucose readings have been very good for the last couple of weeks. I think it’s because I’ve settled down emotionally. I haven’t changed my eating habits, nor lost any substantial weight. I just think it’s because, in Louise Hay’s words, I’m taking in the sweetness of life.

For instance, today, after the bloodwork. I had such a nice day, despite it raining for about the 5^th day in a row. It’s warm, and it’s nice out., but it was pouring and thunder-storming for a good part of the day. We hung out, watching TV, drinking wine that was over 10 years old, talking, eating. It was a lovely day.

Taking in the sweetness of life.

It’s a way to live. Finding joy in every moment. Sharing the time with someone special, with whom there is never a bad moment, or with friends, like my girlfriends last night. I still pinch myself all the time. To live in a place I love, to have made quite a few good friends, to have met an awesome man with whom I love spending time doing anything. Like, right now, he sits beside me as I type and encourages me to do it. He actually likes my writing, and likes that I write. It’s a treat, for sure, to be encouraged, not discouraged, in something I am passionate about.

The point is, we have to take in the sweetness of life. We don’t have to turn everything sweet, because everything is not sweet. But what there is, take it in. When you look for it you’ll find it, and you’ll find more. When I was going through my divorce, I was in a bad place for a long while. My wise older sister said to me, “Try to find something beautiful in each day, Deb. Even if it’s just a single flower.”

When I did as instructed, began looking for something beautiful, I found many things. Pretty soon my whole attitude began to change. Life is good, even if we have to look for the goodness sometimes. For the sweetness.

So here I sit, bathing in the sweetness of life. I think I’ll go enjoy the moment. Love and light to all.