Our “writers group” met tonight. We did actually talk about writing quite a bit, and art. They gave me some hints about writing fiction. Since my issue is trying to make up a completely fictional story, to fictionalize experiences from my own life. And BOY, do I have those I could write about, and fictionalize. I’m going to try it. I think it will really help me change my mindset to enable writing fiction.

I told the girls that my problem with fiction is that I have had to deal with reality all my life. Being in an abusive marriage for so long taught me to deal with reality and to stay in the moment. If I fantasized it was about just being out from under that stress. I may have fantasized when I was with S, for a little while, until he made sure my world came crashing down on me, teaching me to know better than to dream. And then I stole his pain, and let myself get set up for it over and over again.

Now that that is over, and I am in a close, loving, relationship with D, maybe I can find the safety I need emotionally to use my imagination in my writing. And I’ll start by writing about some of the experiences I’ve had, but fictionalizing them. Changing the names, and places, but keeping the basic lesson as it was given to me. It will be interesting to see if I can accomplish this, and broaden my writing.

The women who come over for these meetings all know D, and all of them really like him. They are so happy for me, knowing what I’ve been through. It’s nice to be with someone who wants me to stop and say hi to his mother, and can give my friends a hug at open mic night.

Love and light everyone.

Another oddly cloudy day in Florida. Its actually a good thing because the humidity is really high, and if the sun came out we might all cook. The sun was out when I got up, around 8. It’s so weird to me to be sleeping til 8. I am pretty sure though, if I wasn’t up for 2 hours in the middle of the night, I’d have gotten up early. Just one of those nights. Maybe I’m getting used to not sleeping alone, lol. That’s a switch!

My writers group is coming over tonight. I should just say, “the girls” are coming over. We usually gab, get pizza, gab some more, maybe watch a movie. It’s good to just get together with the girls occasionally. We do occasionally talk about our writing, lol.

I second guessed the pizza thing, because D and I just had pizza a couple nights ago. So I am making a pulled pork in the slow cooker. I am supposed to not have to do anything, because they always meet here. But, hey…I wanted to do this. It will make plenty, for leftovers too. So I got up, went to the grocery store to get sandwich rolls, and a round brush, which I’d left at D’s house. And some more BBQ sauce. Then vacuumed, mopped the kitchen floor, rebaited the rat/mouse poison traps. I still need to take the leaf blower to my deck.

Getting really sick of those mice or rats or whatever they are. They are freaking me out, and all my food is on the kitchen counter and table til they eat enough poison. I heard them in the wall in the middle of the night last night. It did not help me get back to sleep! Creepy.

Maybe I’ll take a nap this afternoon. Have I mentioned how nice it is to be retired, and take a nap when you haven’t slept well? Or to sit and write in the middle of the day listening to Van Morrison?

Love and light.

I’ve been in Florida for almost 9 months now, and I think this is the first morning I’ve awakened to the sound of rain, even a bit of thunder. It is however, the rainy season here. I remember when I moved here I was told we have two seasons, monsoon and tourist. So, I guess tourist is over, and monsoon is here. It rained on and off quite a bit yesterday too. It’s always a warm summer rain. It smells good.

However, the rain spoiled our plans this morning to go out to breakfast. The place that holds open mic night was going to have one of our favorite performers for their Sunday brunch, but seeing as how it’s an outdoor venue, it was cancelled. So, we’ll find somewhere else to go get breakfast.

I have a mouse. I hope only one. I hope it’s a mouse and not some larger rodent. I HATE those things. (See, I can hate some things, lol.) They chewed through my bag of rice, and a bag of stuffing I had. I texted D to tell him that on our adventures out today, we will need to get some traps. How fun.

I have to say, I’ve probably been lucky though, not to have had them before. My house is almost 100 years old, and I’m sure there have always been ways for the mice to get in. I’m guessing they are looking for a dry spot, since when it pours here, which it’s been doing, there are not many dry spots around outside. The water just tends to pond on the roads, since it’s so flat. The house I lived in with my ex was about this age, in the woods, and we had mice all the time. So, while I’m used to them, I still don’t like them. I remember being able to hear them in the walls at that house. I haven’t heard them here, until this morning. I was laying in bed and heard something, but since my hearing is pretty bad, I still am not sure it was the mouse, (or whatever) or if it was just the rain, since I am not used to hearing rain here.

I have been happy for about the last week or so not to find any palmetto bugs laying around. My joy is short-lived. I think I’d rather have some of those cockroach-on-steroids around than a mouse, or worse.

Small problems in a wonderful life. The cool thing for me is that I am not facing anything alone any more. A drama free relationship that is everything else I could want. It’s amazing.

Love and light, everyone.

The other night it was suggested to me that I might be guilty of “stealing” someone’s pain. In other words, taking it upon myself to keep others from feeling bad about themselves, even if they have done something to hurt me. It was suggested that the pain someone feels for “doing you wrong” is something they need to feel, in order to learn and grow from it, and my rather protective and forgiving nature was not helping people to make real and lasting change who have repeatedly done things that have hurt me.

Boy, did that make me stop and think. A whole bunch. Because, yeah, I’m guilty as charged. I have done that. I have repeatedly put myself in a dangerous place emotionally by trying to keep others from feeling bad about themselves. To even keep people who are collateral damage to the original hurtful behavior from feeling bad.

I’ve forgiven the same bad behavior over and over in my life. That’s a good thing, to forgive. But the point of forgiving is to let go, and move on. Not to forgive it, and allow it to be repeated, at least, not on yourself. Why did I do that?

Maybe because I hadn’t really learned the lesson all the way to my core? Maybe because I felt empowered by making someone feel ok about whatever they did that caused me pain? Maybe because I misunderstood the lesson I was supposed to learn from it? Maybe because I thought the perpetrator might be grateful for my forgiveness and see how much I cared for them? Maybe for the false relief that that situation was over, even as I set myself up for it again? Maybe because I thought I wanted something terribly that was bad for me. Honestly, it will take more than this blog for me to figure out the answer to that question.

But yeah, whatever the reason, I was stealing their pain. Someone told me that when he would see addicts going through detox, begging for money, he’d give them $20 because he felt so sorry for them for the pain they were in. That’s when he realized he was stealing the addicts pain. Pain that they needed to go through to break their addiction. I was stealing the pain someone needed to feel to make a real and permanent change in their behavior, pain they needed to feel to stop causing pain to others. Just enabling them to do the wrong thing over and over.

I won’t do it again. Or, I’ll try not to, for sure. I will, from now on, try to see and understand my motive, if I find myself about to do it again. It’s almost like it’s been my own little addiction, to be able to feel good about myself, to allow myself to forgive something that was utterly painful to me, and then to allow myself to go through it again.

It doesn’t alter unconditional love. But it does set up a boundary that allows me to stay safe and happy in my own life.

It was a hell of an epiphany. Love learning a new lesson. Love people who can lovingly get me to look at myself from a new and different and even more honest perspective.

Love and light.

Gray clouds obscure
the brilliant blue that lies above.
It allows momentary rest
From the brilliant light.
Thoughts can lay low
Under the dark veil
Of clouds in daytime.

Rain splatters on the windows
Cooling peace
A change of pace.

That the sun remains
And still lights the world
Despite the clouds attempt
To hide it
Is a miracle in itself.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Shutterstock, via Google Images

This morning D and I were having a discussion about manifesting what we want and setting intentions. He is not like me, in that he is not immersed in this stuff, but he is very thoughtful, and listens and is open minded. I showed him my collection of forks, bent in half by setting intentions. The idea kind of intrigued him I think. Not sure he totally bought into it, but that’s ok, he doesn’t have to. I like him just the way he is, and he will find his own way to his own truth. Then I happened to be walking by the nightstand that has my crystals, etc, on it, and asked him if I ever showed him my pendulums. I had not.

I showed him…how they respond to “show me’yes’ ”, “show me ‘no’ ”, and stop. I could tell he was kind of thinking “this is pretty out there, you’re doing something….” So I gave him one to try. He was shocked the way it worked.

Anyway, I think it may have opened a little window for him to get a new perspective on things like intention, and energy. Maybe not. I hope so, and I think so, but he doesn’t ever discount anything that could be possible, and he never tries to make me feel like I’m way out there.

I spent the next few hours helping outo my childhood friend, taking her to a dr. appt., to the pharmacy and being an ear for her, she has so many problems. I just listen, because that’s all she wants. She’s not looking for advice.

I got home and found my lawn mowed, by D. Which was lovely. He was gone. I sat down here, to write, but realized I needed to do a meditation, which is something I’ve not been doing as regularaly as I like to. I chose a 30 min. guided meditation, which was actually about how our thoughts ripple out into the universe. Not unlike, setting an intentions in a fork that it will bend in half and then it does, effortlessly. You never will think the same about a simple thought once you do that.

I have had some things that I have needed to deal with, lately, personal stuff. I’ve talked with D about them, and with a couple of really close friends, but I know the answer, the decision, on how to proceed lies with me. I suddenly saw the ripple of effect of the choice I make extending far past the immediate issue.

The answer for me had to come from a place of “what do I want to send out into the world?” And the answer had to be, healing energy, the kind of energy that will help heal not only, and maybe not necessarily even, those affected by, this decision. But ultimately, what was kind and compassionate for all people, since we are all inextricably connected?

Once I was able to frame the question on a larger scale, the answer came fairly easily. It’s something I can live with. It allows me to be true to myself, and my quest to learn to live like water, to find a way back to source, to the place where we all come from, and forget.

It’s been a good day. It will be a good night. Love and light to all.