Letting Go of Old Fears

Posted on by learning to live like water

I wrote the other day about needing to find my own time, still, and not losing myself in a new relationship. God knows I lost myself and gave up so much of myself to my ex, and to S. I vowed it would not happen again. A boundary I set for myself.

The difference this time is that I’ve fallen for a man who encourages me to take that time. I was worried about it, but needlessly, I think. I was alone Monday, and a good part of yesterday. I invited him for dinner, and his first reaction was that I probably should take the night for myself, and see him today.

We talked about it. I asked him not to 2nd guess me, that if I asked him here, I wanted him here. I was able to make him understand in a loving way that I knew his concerns came from love and care, but that I knew myself well, and that he didn’t have to try to figure out what I needed or wanted. There is no game with me.

It was so amazing to have the whole discussion end with us feeling closer, like we knew each other better. He showed up for dinner with a new bouquet of flowers and a bag of Godiva chocolates. The chocolates were amazing, lol. The flowers will brighten my table for at least a week. I got a package from Amazon yesterday. I couldn’t remember ordering anything, though I do occasionally. It was a gift from D, some coffee mugs. He’d noticed that a lot of mine were chipped (and I had been meaning to replace them but just hadn’t) so he bought me new ones, in the style and color I like, and sent them to me as a surprise. Just small things, because he wants to. I laughingly told him he will have to claim me as a dependent on his tax return if he keeps buying me things.

Whereas the other two men who’ve been in my adult life seemed to love to keep me on edge, uncertain, rarely allowing me to feel sure of the relationship, this man, D, only wants me to feel that sureness. Yet, he’s not needy in anyway. You know needy is like the kiss of death with me. Needy men don’t usually make it to even a 2nd date. Same with boring. D is neither boring or needy. He can make me laugh, and feel special. I know I matter to him, for much more than what goes on in the bedroom. (Which is nice too, lol)

I didn’t mean to write so much about him in my blog. I was afraid of it causing problems, but that’s just me, projecting issues from my last relationship onto this one. Because this one is so open, and loving, and all the things that one was not, I can write about this free of fear at all. He may read it, he may not. He lives his life in a way that builds, doesn’t break down. He’s not hiding anything from anyone. My fears are a learned behavior, from relationships that were not balanced, not whole. I am unlearning those fears fast.

It’s an amazing thing. I keep pinching myself….and thanking the Universe. Couldn’t be much happier.

Love and light, all.

Taking a Walk

Posted on by learning to live like water

I took a walk down by the water this morning. It was hot, already 90° at 10:30, and the humidity is high today, about 70%. It’s almost summer in Florida. But there was a nice breeze off the water, slight, but noticeable.

I walked down to the end of the fishing pier and found this gorgeous heron just standing there. I walked toward him slowly, so he wouldn’t fly away. The herons here are not so skittish as the ones that go up north in the summer. He looked at me with a bit of distrustful fear in his eyes, but only took one step out of the way.

heron on pier

There were quite a few fishermen casting nets down there this morning. The tide was very low, helped along by the new moon I would guess. I don’t know what they catch in the nets. A few were casting from the pier, and a couple more were in the water. The other day we saw someone pull in a nice size flounder off the pier. But other than that, I’ve not seen anyone catching too much there.

I took a walk through part of the fresh market after my walk. It’s called a fresh market, and there is a lot of fresh food there, produce, meat, seafood, exotic jerky, homemade cheese, etc, but also a lot of vendors of crafts and other things. I bought a dress but when I got it home and tried it on, I didn’t like the way it looks, so I’ll take it back next week. (There’s nowhere to try it on at the market. There are only canopies for the booths, no dressing rooms.) I get why the gauzy loose dresses are so popular here. You don’t want anything on that touches your skin when it’s 90° and 70% humidity.

Still….I love living here. Love the balmy breezes, not working, heron on the pier. It’s a good life.

Love and light to everyone.

Achieving Balance

Posted on by learning to live like water

Remember in Eat Pray Love when Ketut tells Liz Gilbert that to be out of balance for love is part of the balance of life? That’s me….that’s where I’m at.

It’s in a good way. It’s not, like in the past, because I was crazy about someone who isn’t capable of reciprocating it. Not because this man is selfish, or self-centered, or narcissistic or sociopathic. It’s not because red flags are flying that I’m trying to explain away.

It’s because he’s so kind, and sweet, and loving, and considerate to be with. Because our relationship matters to him, as much as it does to me.

I find my personal schedule disrupted. Like staying up late, way late. Sleeping late, way late. Not taking my morning walk. Not doing my meditation. Somehow, I have to get back to a schedule that allows me this practice. I’m not even writing nearly as much. Yet….that schedule didn’t include time for love, because it wasn’t in my life.

Now that it is…I need to figure out a way to fit it all in, to modify where I can, and hold onto myself, the thing about me that make me, me. The woman D loves. And make sufficient time for he and I, because we enjoy it so much.

It’s not at a critical place yet. It’s only been a month. But I see my stuff slipping and I know in the end I need these things to be in my life for this to work. I know this is also true for him, in reverse.

It’s kind of a wonderful, lovely dilemma. But a dilemma, nonetheless. I’m sure he and I will solve it between us. Which is an amazing, wonderful place for me to find myself.

Love and light everyone.

Beautiful Day, Except for the Traffic

Posted on by learning to live like water

We went to the island to meet my sis and brother-in-law yesterday. It’s 35 miles to the restaurant. It normally takes about 45 min. to get there. It took 2 hours. The traffic was absolutely unreal. Took us about an hour to go 20 blocks on one of the main roads to the beaches. I had no idea it could be that bad. It’s off-season, so I thought even if it’s busy, there aren’t that many people around. We decided that for the people who live here year-round, Memorial Day must me kind of like, “Ok, this is OUR holiday, no snowbirds around.” I’ve never seen the beach so crowded. People were parking in the grass on the side of the road, and I felt bad because a cop was ticketing them. There were no “no parking signs”. Apparently there is some ordinance that no one knows of, but these cars were not in the way, or blocking any driveways or streets. Not to mention, they’d all just sat through tons of horrible traffic to get there. I’ve never even seen that beach half full of cars.

When we came home, it was the same in reverse. We waited til after sunset to leave. We’d gone down to the beach to see it, and figured traffic would be thinned out by 9. It didn’t thin out til almost 10. So got home very late. It was crazy.

But the day was wonderful, once we got there. Had a great lunch with my sister and brother-in-law. We started to take a walk around the neighborhood, but it was so hot, 93°, that we went back to their house and put on our bathing suits and hung out at the pool for a few hours. They really liked D, and he really liked them. He got over the nerves pretty fast. I joked to my sister that her husband was probably afraid I’d bring some weird kind of dude over to meet them, since, even though I know my brother-in-law loves me, he thinks I am a little “out there”. But he and D got along famously. I’m really glad about that, cuz I think D will be sticking around.

Today is pretty cloudy, and t-storms predicted so I’m really glad we made the trip yesterday, despite the traffic. Now I know. Do NOT go over to the island on Memorial Day weekend. LOL. Just, don’t.

Love and light.

Beautiful Things

Posted on by learning to live like water

We are having some beautiful weather here in the Tampa Bay area. Yesterday the high was around 90, but the humidity was only 42%, which is amazing for here. Today looks like a carbon copy. Such a treat.

It’s a perfect beach day, except that it’s Sunday of a holiday weekend. My sis texted me yesterday, as she drove along Gulf Drive on Anna Maria Island (near her home on Longboat Key) and said she’d never ever seen so many people at the beach there. The parking lot, which is generally less than half full, was packed. People parked on the grass, police blocking entrances because there was no parking left. Crazy. We’d planned on going over there today, eat lunch woth my sis and brother-in-law at my favorite restaurant, and then go to the Beach Market. But with that report, we may have to modify that plan a little.

My friend the sculptress finished my statue of Guan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion. (Picture below.) She is so beautiful! She is two parts, the statue itself and the lotus blosson in which she sits. She is also an incense burner. One stick can go through the top of her head, one through the bottle in her hand. I’ve never been much of an incense burner, but I may become one. My altar is just started, and I’m sure over time I’ll add more things to it.

Guan Yin

In Buddhism, she has arrived at a level of enlightenment which would allow her to become a Buddha and enter Nirvana, but refuses to leave the world of suffering until all people are free from suffering and vows to assist in achieving that goal. She’s a pretty cool goddess!

I am off to a day on the island with this amazing man I’ve met, and with my family on this beautiful day. It doesn’t get any better than that! Oh…and remember today is the New Moon. Set your positive intentions for the next lunar month today and tonight!

Love and light to all.

SoCS: Haiku No. 307: To Smell

Posted on by learning to live like water

This post is in response to the SoCS (Stream of Consciousness Saturday) writing prompt by Linda G. Hill.  Please join the fun and  visit her site for the complete instructions.  https://lindaghill.com/2017/05/26/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-2717/

socs-2016-badge

Haiku No. 307:  To Smell

Smelling my pillow

I inhaled his sweet, pure scent

Closed my eyes and smiled.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Respecting Boundaries

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve not been around much lately. This morning, I realized that I was missing my life, and recognized that I needed to get back to it. Happily, D also recognized it for me and for himself.

I was thinking about Brene Brown’s acronym BRAVING, for trust. The “B” in that acronym is for Boundaries. I realized it’s not just setting boundaries for behavior of others toward me, but for myself. I made a commitment to myself that I would not ever give up my passions for anyone else, after my ex tried to mold me into his idea of what a perfect woman should be. “Grooming” he called it. He was “grooming” me. I remember thinking, “Go fucking groom yourself.”

S did not really try to “groom” me. But he did try to curb my commitment to writing, to get me to write only things that we acceptable to him. He wanted me to write fiction. I have a hard time with fiction. I write what’s real and true for me, and often that was at odds with what he wanted to see, and often, the reason it was at odds was because he’d told his girlfriend about this blog and she read it. God forbid she knew the truth. Other times, it was explicitly about his terrible behavior, the games he would play, the hurt and pain he caused me. None of which was something he wanted to face.

His lack of, and disrespect for, boundaries.

I didn’t give up my writing. I may have tried to censor it somewhat, but even then, it was not hard to read between the lines. It caused endless problems for me, for me and him, for him and her, but really. I mean REALLY, what else could he expect, knowing that it’s what I do. He’s the one who told her about this blog. Which tells me, he wanted her to know, for reasons known only to him, and probably so deep even he doesn’t recognize them as real. Personally, and I could be wrong completely, I think now, looking back, he wanted her to break up with him, so he didn’t have to be the bad guy.

Along comes D. On about our 4th or 5th date, I realized I had to tell him about the blog. I was scared shitless, really, considering the issues it caused me with S. But D had to know. If he was going to know me, he had to know about the blog. So I told him, over a Cuban sandwich, about it. He was interested, but didn’t ask to read it. He asked questions about it, but obviously could see the discomfort and vulnerability it caused me. However, a few days later I sent him a poem, which gave him access. I knew it did, I expected that he would read it. He said he got half-way through the blog previous to the one I’d sent him and felt like he shouldn’t be reading it without my explicit permission. He told me this. I gave him permission, of course. I was however, terrified, seeing as how so much of it was about the contentious, and passionate relationship with S.

He did not disappoint. His comments were, “What I got out of it is how much you are capable of loving, how far you will go for love.” And then…. “I don’t need to continue reading. I don’t need all the details. I know you better, I know all I need to know.” And I don’t believe he’s read much else, unless I send him something I’d like him to read. He’s sure of himself, and of me, and there is no game. The blog is who I am, and he applauds me, likes that I have a passion. He makes me take time to continue to follow this passion.

I think that my giving him permission to view my life through this intimate and completely vulnerable. wndow, gave him permission from himself to tell me things he had always kept to himself.

The trust is awesome.

I’m in a place now I never really thought I’d be. Not that I hadn’t wanted it, but just didn’t think I’d ever find it. I was beginning to wonder if my new lesson wasn’t how to be satisfied with living my life out alone. If it was, then I’d learn the lesson, with as much grace as I could. It seems, maybe I won’t have that lesson to learn after all. Time will tell.

The marble jar just keeps getting fuller.

Love and light, everyone.

Political Idiocracy Can’t Distract From My Happy Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

Lots of political fodder this morning. The official White House document with the goals of tRump’s Israeli visit says that a main goal is” a “Lasting Peach” between Israel and Palestine. Really? They are in such chaos that in creating an important document listing the goals of the president’s first and much watched trip abraod, they don’t have time to proofread? It’s inconceivable that that piece of paper got put out with that glaring typo.

Then, Michael Flynn is taking the 5th amendment? Of course he is. Just, of course.

The Republican candidate for special election for the House in Montana is cited for assaulting a reporter on the eve of the election. Really? Another bully for tRump.

Fox News puts out a statement that tRump is the first sitting president to visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. I guess they don’t have the resources to find out that Obama, Bush Jr, and Clinton have all been there. Maybe it’s a passive aggressive tribute to Roger Ailes, the man who created the term “fake news.”

I stopped reading the news, it was either too absurd or too aggravating.

Going to open mic tonight. Taking D and my childhood friend. My friend who is the sculptress finished my sculpture of QuanYin, the Goddess of Compassion, for my altar. I’m so excited to put it up. I’m going to pick it and her up on the way to open mic too. It’s cooled off a little here, and the humidity has dropped, so it should be a really nice night to sit outside and listen to music.

It’s still amazing to me that my life right now is so happy, and content. It’s what I always dreamed of, at least at the moment. (Not withstanding my ex’s delusions from time to time.) I’m so grateful to be in this place at this age. Love and light…….