Tag Archives: vulnerability

Courage

Posted on by learning to live like water

How can we ever experience real love, if we let no one know who we really are?

My friend A said to me the other day, “I see all your flaws.  And I love each and every one.”  He says that, knowing we will never be together, for many reasons.  But he loves me, unconditionally, and I love him deeply for the good friend that he is.  This is because we have both showed up, we have both loved someone hard enough, and fallen, and gotten hurt beyond words, and gotten back up, and still not given up our ability to be vulnerable, to show up and be seen.

A is better at it than me.  I disappeared from him more than once, and he welcomed me back with open arms when I reached out.  Throughout this S thing, he has been steady, concerned about me.  From 2000 miles away, i felt more care and concern from him than I ever felt from S.  I can tell him anything, and he doesn’t judge, he acknowledges, and listens and offers advice if any is needed.

This is what I hope to find, when I begin dating again.  Someone with whom I can be myself, who never makes me doubt myself, or them, or their love, care and affection.  Someone who will be my rock.  Someone who can love the way I love, and for whom I will always be there too.  I will choose better next time.  A always says, “I hope you find someone who adores you.”  I wish the same for him.

Show up, be seen, get into the arena, get knocked down, get back up.  If you’re going to stand on the sidelines, like Brene says, I don’t want to hear from you.  I’ll be looking for someone whose intensity can match mine.

How Do We Measure Our Strength?

Posted on by learning to live like water

How do we measure our strength? I don’t mean the ability to bench press 500 lbs.

I mean emotional strength. Is strength the ability not to cry when you are in pain? Or is it the willingness to say I hurt, I hurt so much I think I might die, but I’m not going to stop feeling, or loving, or become something ugly.

Is strength the willingness to hide who you are and all your feelings behind a wall? Or is it the willingness to take the wall down, brick by brick, so you can travel past it, even with no reassurance what is on the other side?

Isn’t vulnerability an incredible strength? Doesn’t a willingness to put yourself out there, fully, not knowing the outcome, demonstrate strength?

During my divorce trial, my ex’s attorney approached me on the witness stand where I spend a full day and a half, and said, “You’re making your ex look pretty bad here.” I said, “Look, I just want it all out on the table, for once…and what happens from that is what happens.” (He didn’t need any help from me to look bad….)

But yeah, I was willing to just tell it like it was, not knowing the outcome. I was sick of secrets, sick of hiding things, sick of having to stuff the emotions that he engendered from me, stuffing them out of fear of his temper. I was willing to be vulnerable, vulnerable enough to let the truth out.

With S, I was the first and only one of us to say “I love you.” I think that makes me strong. I want the truth out on the table. What is protected by hiding the way you feel? And when it falls apart, as it seems to be, I know I gave it my all, I know that I laid it out on the table, I know I held back nothing. (I want it to be clear here, that S never misled me. He is an honorable and decent man. The truth was always on the table with him.)

As I work through the emotions, that so far have alternated between sheer anguish and pervasive numbness, I know I am strong. I was willing to say it, not knowing the outcome. I am strong enough to sit with my emotions, and work through them. To learn whatever lessons are here to be learned, and most importantly, to continue to love him, unconditionally.

Because love, love….is what we are here for. It is what life is all about. I am so grateful that I can feel so deeply, can be so passionate, can hurt so much because it means I can love so much. I’d do it again, I will do it again.

Unless, of course, I find someone who is more willing than me, and beats me to it.

The Strength of Being Vulnerable, and the Sadness of Those Who Are Not

Posted on by learning to live like water

A friend (Megan, https://lovewillleadyouhome.wordpress.com/) wrote a blog today on vulnerability, asking was it a strength or a weakness.  It made me think of Brene Brown’s incredible TED talk on vulnerability. At the moment, it has 20,784,830 views.  Mine are maybe a dozen of those.  I sent the link to my friend, and watched it again myself.  Brene Brown is brilliant, funny and RIGHT on the mark.

If you haven’t seen this, please watch it.  It’s 20 minutes that can change your life, literally.  I dare anyone to watch it and not shed a tear.

I watched this, and I realized I tried to convince my ex, and S, that they were worthy.  Neither of them bought it.  Both are disconnected.  I tried, really hard, to get my ex to understand this, because he wanted a relationship with our son so badly.  I told him that our son needed to see his father go out on a limb for him, a limb he didn’t know wouldn’t break.  No guarantees.  But if he didn’t try, at least try, he gave up all hope. The fear of being vulnerable was not something he could overcome.  Maybe someday.

And S?  He wants to be free?  Of what?  Of any relationship that might cause him to feel vulnerable.  I believe this.

Neither of these men could take a risk, not knowing the outcome.  Both of them numbed their feelings, using assorted different methods.

Me?  I will offer my whole self.  My feeling is if you don’t put yourself out there, even not knowing the outcome, if you won’t take the risk, then you lose any chance for joy, for love, for creativity, for love and belonging. Let yourself be seen, who you are, without shame. Take a chance, and feel the miracle of connection. But you gotta love yourself first, and know who you are, so if it doesn’t work, you can just move on, with gratitude that you can feel as much as you feel.

On Vulnerability and Love

Posted on by learning to live like water

The morning was gray, and quiet. I sat on my deck, having coffee, reading blogs, reading email. Doing some pensive introspection. About myself. About S. About vulnerability.

I have been a champion of vulnerability. I have watched Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability maybe a dozen times. She speaks to what I have always known, but did not form into a cohesive thought until I saw her speak.

I have never been afraid to be vulnerable. Not with my friends, not with strangers, not with the men in my life. Not in my blogs, or my book, or with my son. I do believe that you don’t give someone all your secrets, until they have proven the right to hear them.  I give it out a little at a time, but I give it.  I will initiate it.  I am not afraid of it.

I believe it is the only way to have a real, fulfilling, human experience. I believe, as Brene does, that it is the birthplace of creativity, of joy. It is the ying of the yang. You can’t know joy if you don’t risk something. You can’t be creative if you are afraid of failure. You can’t expect someone to open up to you their deepest darkest secrets if you won’t share in kind.

Vulnerability means that you take a risk, you put yourself out there. Not knowing what the outcome will be, if you think that there might be a reward that makes it worthwhile. There is no risk-free existence. You can’t imagine that just because you love someone they will always love you back. You can’t believe that everything will always stay the same. Change happens. And when it happens, and you hurt from it, instead of closing your heart, you have to thank God you are able to love so passionately, so fully. Because it means you are alive. If you hurt….it is the ying to the yang. There is no great reward without great suffering.

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru, who when given the option of love vs. suffering, chose suffering, because it was then that he would grow. Learn about himself.

So, we wish those who cause us to suffer, love and light. We let them go on their way, in their life, and hope that they find joy. We find ourselves better prepared to go on with LIFE, and LIVING, because we have a deeper understanding of what brings us joy, and peace.

One of my favorite quotes is from Khalil Gibran. It states:

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

I have a friend who was devastated by an ex. This persons heart is closed now, for the most part. They do not want to love again, to risk giving of themselves because the pain is so great. I see cracks in the wall occasionally. But the person quickly fills them in, and retreats behind the wall again.

To me, it is like being dead before you are dead. So love didn’t work out that time, or the time before. Maybe it worked for awhile, a long while, and then it changed. Change is part of life. Loving to me is living. I cant’ separate the love of a person, from love of myself, my family, of every living thing. To stop one is to diminish all. Because they are all connected.

This being said….if we love someone to the best of our ability, and they choose not to return it for whatever reason, it’s not healthy for us to continue to dream that they will. There is a time to let go, and acknowledge that this is not the one for you. It comes with self awareness. Let go with joy, wishing all blessings and happiness to that person. And then risk being vulnerability again.

Never forget that once you decide what you want, the universe will conspire to make that happen. Thoughts become things, so think the thoughts about what you want. Not about what you don’t.

And live. LIVE.