Monthly Archives: August 2016

My Last Day of Work

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today is the last day of my old life. Tonight my colleagues and co-workers and I will go out for drinks, after work, and with a few exceptions, I won’t talk to them again. It’s weird. Just….weird. People that have been part of my life every day for so long. Some of them I will miss a lot, some of them I won’t, lol. A few of them will probably stay in my life in some way.

But today, tonight, I say goodbye and move on. I can’t believe it’s here. I’ve been planning and dreaming for so long. A few years ago, I told one of my co-workers who is also a good friend, I didn’t see how I could retire because I could never pay a mortgage without working. He’s the one who informed me how much less expensive it was to live in Florida, how much less a home would cost, and taxes would be. He knew I had a lot of my money in my house here, and said, “you could sell that house and buy a home for half of what you recoup from your house, and invest the rest.” I remember looking at him, thinking, “I COULD do that! I really could do that!!!”

Now, here I am doing it.

It won’t hit me, I don’t think, that I don’t have to go to work every day until I am settled in Florida because I have so much to do here between now and then. And even then, I plan to find a part time job, 25 hours a week or so. But not maybe til the end of October. But maybe I’ll really get into making jewelry, maybe I’ll try to get something published, who knows. Maybe I’ll do reiki and make jewelry and that could be my income. We’ll see.

But I will be by the water. I will live like water. The warm waters of Tampa Bay and the Gulf of Mexico will become my second home. Who knows what the future holds?

Last day of work. WOW. It’s here.

And so one chapter of my life ends, and one begins. And I’m feeling blessed, very blessed that the universe saw fit to bring me to this point.

Love and light.

A Final (for now) Word on Lies

Posted on by learning to live like water

I lay awake last night remembering so many lies I’ve been told. From about 2:30 til 4, the parade of them was constant. From my ex, from S. I wanted to turn them off, stop remembering. I kept asking myself, “Why are you dredging this up now? Again?”

I suppose because I saw the post from Liz Gilbert and it so touched me. But it also, apparently, triggered me.

Finally, I remembered to begin my gratitude list. And repeated over and over the list of things I’m grateful for, until I finally fell asleep again.

Odd thing is, that some of the things for which I’m most grateful had to do with the men who so betrayed me. I’m grateful for my son, always first, most. And the man who couldn’t, can’t, stop lying gave him to me. I’m grateful to know I can love so much, so passionately, still, and the man who broke my heart into a million pieces gave me that.

So…..there’s always a place for forgiveness, because in all the loss, there was gain. And the things I gained, I would not give back for anything.

‘Tis they who pay the price for their lies and deceit and betrayal. Not me. My life goes on, richer, and fuller than ever before. Their lives…..well, I expect they will remain closed to the things they are closed to. That their default setting of lies to people will continue to keep them alone. Even if they think they are not alone, the lies about the lies about the lies continue to dig a deep hole in their soul.

I fell asleep with only love in my heart for all the people in my life. To waste a life telling lies, manipulating people, never knowing the joy of love unimpeded by ego, is sad. It’s not my life, it’s theirs and their choices.

I guess the hours awake thinking of it helped me to reconcile it. As a wise woman once said to me, “I guess it was something you needed to be awake for.” I apparently needed to dredge up a little more, and deal with it. Since there are no coincidences, there’s a reason I had to see that post just before I went to bed. I had more work to do, I did it. I’m better for it.

Love and light, all.

Liz Gilbert on Truth and Kindness (and lies….)

Posted on by learning to live like water
I just saw this on Facebook.  It’s a post by my hero, Elizabeth Gilbert, on Truth, Lies and Kindness.  BOY, does she nail it.  Just nails it.  As someone who has had my life turned upside down by the lies of others, and who has been attacked for my passion to have the truth out on the table, this was amazing to read. I was accused of wanting to play God, because I insisted that the truth be told.  When, in reality, it was the liar that played God, manipulating me and others lives for their own benefit, with the most enormous pile of painful lies imaginable.  Liz Gilbert explains my need, and my pain, and my truth better than I have ever been able to.  Read on…..
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Dear Ones –

The biggest emotional trouble I’ve ever gotten into in my life always stemmed from the same dilemma — when I was torn between telling the truth, and being kind.

Both matter immensely to me.

Both of these virtues (truth and kindness) are top-notch, A-grade, golden-ticket qualities, recognized by every human society in history as being essential for basic goodness.

I want to be unfailingly honest, but I want to be a REALLY NICE PERSON.

But here’s the thing: I’ve traditionally had trouble figuring out how to be both. Because sometimes the truth really hurts people, and I never want to hurt anybody. So — for most of my life — when I had to choose between truth and kindness, I always went with kindness. Because my need to not hurt people was bigger than my need to be truthful.

Also, isn’t it a fact that most people — no matter what they may claim — actually don’t really want you to tell them the truth? (Or so my reasoning went, anyhow.) As a Ethics Professor of mine taught me back in college: “Most of us grew up in families where our parents DEMANDED the truth, but they couldn’t DEAL WITH IT…and so we all learn how to lie.”

Didn’t the world teach you how to lie, too, in order to keep things peaceful and smooth? So aren’t you doing people a favor, when you them what they want to hear? Isn’t that nice of you?

No.

Here’s the thing I have finally learned, after years of struggling and suffering over this subject:

White lies are OK. Other lies are not.

There is such a thing as a harmless little white lie. The best anecdote I know about this came from President Jimmy Carter’s mother, who — when her son was running for president — was visited down in Georgia by a pushy New York journalist, who demanded to know, “Is it true that your son has never told a lie? Seriously? NEVER?” Mrs. Carter thought about it, and said “Well, Jimmy has told some white lies….” The journalist thought she had Mrs. Carter in trap and said, “Aha! But isn’t a white lie just a lie, all the same?” Mrs. Carter said, “No, white lies are harmless.” The journalist said, “Give me an example of a harmless white lie.” Mrs. Carter said, “Well…remember when you came into my house today, and I told you that it was very nice to meet you? THAT was a white lie…”

Mrs. Carter was correct: If you can’t tell little white lies sometimes in order to be polite to people, than you’re a sociopath and a jerk — so don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. Tell your neighbor that her cake was delicious — who cares? The world does not hinge upon such things, but it’s fine to be polite.

But this is not what we are talking about here.

We are talking about bigger moments, bigger lies, bigger truths.

There will be times in your life when people need to hear the truth from you — real truth, that will have real impact on their real existence — and when you decide “protect” that person with lies, then you are actually not protecting them at all. What you are doing is demeaning both them and you.

As that same Ethics Professor taught me, twenty-five years ago, “Whenever you lie to somebody about something that affects their life, you are manipulating that person and infantilizing them. By denying somebody essential information that they need in order to make intelligent decisions about their own future, you are effectively making all their decisions for them. There is no greater act of disrespect you could offer to an adult human than to make their choices for them, by lying to them, or by withholding essential information.”

Or, as my friend Martha Beck has taught me: “The truth is always an act of kindness, even when it seems like it will hurt. And a lie is always an act of unkindness, even when you believe you are being protective.”

For years, I told lies to people because I didn’t want to hurt them. Some of this was because I am “a nice person”, sure. But some of it was because I was “a scared person.” And some if it was because I was “a controlling person”. (Which isn’t very nice, when you really think about it.)

It took years of terrible consequences and suffering for me to realize that I wasn’t doing anybody any favors by hiding the truth from them, again and again. By lying to people out of kindness, I was being neither honest NOR kind. What I was practicing, in fact, is what the Buddhist call “Idiot Compassion” — which is when your cowardliness and your weak-heartedness makes you pity people instead of respecting them. Idiot compassion is what keeps people in relationships with abusers. (“Oh, he can’t help it! He had a hard childhood!”) Idiot compassion is what makes people engage in “pity sex”. Idiot compassion makes you cover for people, instead of challenging them. Idiot compassion is at the basis of all codependency. Idiot compassion makes you say yes when you need to say NO. Idiot compassion makes you easy to manipulate, but also makes you a serial manipulator — because you are always controlling people when you lie to them. Idiot compassion is called “idiot compassion” because it makes an idiot out of you, but it also makes an idiot out of your victim, because what you are offering is not protection, but patronization. By building a house of lies — no matter how pretty it may look from the outside — you are keeping everyone trapped.

As my friend Iyanla Vanzant says, “Respect people enough to tell them the truth.”

Respect yourself enough for that, too.

If there is one lesson I have FINALLY learned that has actually transformed my life, it is this: Whenever you are called to choose between truth and kindness, choose truth.

Trust me, in that moment you will actually be choosing both.

ONWARD,
LG

Doing a Little Manifesting

Posted on by learning to live like water

You know how I was out of chocolate last night?

My son came home as I was going to bed. I talked to him for a few minutes before I headed off for the night. I got up this morning and there was a chocolate bar by the coffee maker with a note. He’d gotten this new brand in at work and thought I might like it. I hadn’t told him I was out. He doesn’t read my blog, I don’t even think he knows the name of it.

He just thought I’d like it. He’s a good kid. And obviously, read me, lol. Guess he knows the way to my heart.

I remember introducing Scott to dark chocolate with crystallized ginger. He used to bring it to me, the first summer we were seeing each other. Not sure he meant to, but he found his way into my heart too, lol. Well, it was fun back then, regardless of how it ended.

My ex…… Nope. No chocolate from him, lol. I’m sure I never earned it.

My overwhelmed-ness seems to have alleviated tonight. I got rid of my washer and dryer to some guy that really needed it. I have a guy coming tomorrow night to look at the stuff I have to have hauled to the dump.

And I only have 2 more days of work. TWO MORE DAYS OF WORK. I am having a hard time giving a shit, lol. Which is totally unlike me, and I don’t show it. I try to show as much concern as ever. But boy, my heart is not in it.

I’m so glad I’m not one of those people who works for lack of anything else they want to do. I suppose, if you spend your days doing something you are passionate about, it’s different. But I don’t. I do something I’m good at, that’s interesting, and I like the people I work with. But there are so many things I’d rather be doing. And will be, soon.

I’m even starting to look forward to the drive to Denver. I might as well embrace it, right? Because I’m going to do it…..gonna try to make it fun, the trip of a lifetime for us. Then I’ll come home, see everyone I love here, and finish packing up the house and take off for my new life.

I think I’m good, at least for the moment.

It’s crazy but it’s happening. Dreams are manifesting.

Love and light all.

Overwhelmed This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am starting to feel overwhelmed, so I just did about 10 minutes of self-reiki. It helps. Not as much as I’d like, but the benefits often come throughout the day. I woke up in the middle of the night for an hour or two, making lists in my head of what I have to get done.

I have to take my car in, again, to have my mechanics go over it to make sure it’s good for the drive to FL. I took it yesterday for an oil change, and asked them to do that, but apparently he didn’t understand. So I’ll take it back this morning. Whatever.

I called my homeowners about selling the house. I gave them the closing date. Someone called me back later to talk about putting my son’s car on his own insurance, since he was on with me, bundled with the house. They gave me an estimate of $368 a month, and I about flipped out. There’s no way my son can afford that! It’s about $230 on my policy now. I was thinking I’d just leave him on with me and leave the car registered to me til he turns 25, when the rates drop.

But then I went online and got a quote for $130! Which is lower than we estimated! So we’ll go with that. I still have to find out what we need to do with the loan to transfer the car to his name. He said he’ll call them Thursday, since the loan is in his name, but I’m a co-signer.

I brought home boxes yesterday from work, and realized I grabbed the wrong size. Sheesh. I filled one more box last night.

I have to go to my atty’s and sign the power of Atty. Then I’ll have to go back and sign the deed to the house one day the week after I get back from CO.

I called the guy whose number I got from a friend, that supposedly makes dump runs. “Gus Dump Runs” lol. His voice mailbox was full. Wtf. I got the name of someone else. So I have to call them today.

I need to stay calm, somehow, and not freak out over this. All this on top of packing up the rest of the house. I just keep saying, “You will get this done, you will get this done.”

At least the heebie jeebies from talking to my ex have retreated back where they belong. I did find it interesting how I could see so much similarity between he and S yesterday. Unreal that I fell so hard for S, when he was so much like my ex. Different too, but so similar. Both have a default setting of lying. I’ll be so glad to be 1500 miles away from both of them. Forget them both. Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten my ex anyway, unless I need to talk to him about my son, or feel he should know something. I have to honor the fact that he’s my son’s father, whether or not he deserves it. S, is not quite forgotten. I still have my moments, though they are more rare.. In fact I was wishing I could just say goodbye to him. Though it’s probably a bad idea, lol.

Well, off to work. Just onward, onward. Through the maze of re-creating a life for myself and my son.  These posts are probably getting boring.  It’s just how I stay on an even, somewhat, keel, by writing it out.

Love and light.

Ex Triggers

Posted on by learning to live like water

Talk about getting triggered.

Normally my very rare conversations with my ex are short. A few minutes. Last night he talked and talked, for 20 minutes. 20 minutes trying to rewrite history.

I woke in the middle of the night, remembering. I couldn’t get back to sleep, revisiting the hell-hole that was marriage to that man. So I wrote the poem, Too Close, on my phone in the middle of the night. I finally got back to sleep. And hope I’m done with that little foray into the past. There’s still some PTSD left from him. It only rears its head when I have to deal with him.

I hope I don’t ever need to go there again.

I’m really glad we are not going to the wedding of his niece this weekend. I can’t imagine how hard that would have been. I forget when I am not around him. Don’t have to talk to him. At least I didn’t get drawn into some argument with him. Let him think whatever he wants to think. Let him rewrite history to make himself feel better, to take the blame off of himself.

I talked to my son about him, and son just can’t go there. Just can’t do it. He knows what his father will trigger in him. Not thinking that rift will ever heal, because his father will never acknowledge what he did to my son.

It certainly isn’t just S’s betrayal that I will be healing from in Avalon though.  I’ll be 1500 miles away from my ex, and hopefully that distance is sufficient.  S…..what he did was not so pre-meditated, nor systematic.  He flies by the seat of his pants and makes bad decisions because he has an inability to see the bigger picture, and a real inability to discern right from wrong.  He is such a narcissist, “right” for him is what he wants.  No matter what it does to someone else. He loves walking the edge, wondering if and when his footing will give way and he’ll be tumbling into the abyss again.  That’s as pathetic as my ex, though, and I’m just glad I only had 18 months of it to recover from, not years and years.  I just wish I didn’t still feel the energetic connection with him, but I do.  Strong as ever.  I’m learning how to ignore it.

In other news, I’m taking my car into the shop this morning to have them make sure it’s up for a 1500 mile trip. I have feeling it will need brakes. The car has 80,000 miles and the original brakes. They aren’t making any noise, but still…that’s a lot of miles for brakes.

I sent out my retirement announcement at work yesterday to customers and vendors and colleagues. It felt weird, just really really weird.

My friend who’s driving with me to FL is coming over on Thursday night, so we can plan our trip a little. She is 20 years younger than me. She keeps saying we can drive straight through from my sisters in VA, that she’ll drive. But it’s about 15 hours from there, I don’t think I want to do that. We’d get there so late at night. I’ll talk her out of it, lol.

So all is well. I survived the interaction with my ex. So much to do. Onward…..

Love and light.

Too Close

Posted on by learning to live like water

Too close to the abuse tonight
Again.

Too many memories
Flood my heart like a coastal storm at high tide.

Pictures of my sons chest black and blue
His eyes cast downward
As his father cast his own shame into his son.
The biting words, intended to inflict misery.

The way he used my son to make me do what he wanted.
Hurting my son unconscionably if I didn’t follow his sick commands.
I did what he wanted.
He’d brag about it. “See what a little pressure can do?”

How I had to leave my son there,
to forge a way to create a new life for us both.
Scared to death,
but the other choice was to die there, in his locked, sick, dark world.

I wake up, remembering that dark and fearful place.
Remembering what I wished, hoped, had been forgotten.

Remembering now that we made it.
Ten years later, life is bright and beautiful.
Grateful.