Monthly Archives: August 2016

First Monday of Not Working

Posted on by learning to live like water

My son asked me Saturday how my first day of retirement was. I said, “Well, it’s Saturday and I wouldn’t have been at work anyway, so it feels the same.” This morning is Monday, and I woke up early as usual. I tried to go back to sleep, but no such luck. Lists and plans and things that need doing kept stirring around my mind and finally I stopped fighting it and got up.

Now, sitting here in the early dawn, with my coffee, in the quiet, it does occur to me that, no, I don’t have to go to work today. I do wish I could sit on my deck in the cool morning air, but I don’t have a chair I can put out there. So, I opened the slider to let the cool air in, and listen to the birds.

My friend made me a spectacular Maine lobster dinner last night, 2 lobsters each. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten two, but I did these. Also salad, backed potatoes, green beans. I was shocked. Just feel so blessed that they wanted to do that for me. God I will miss this family. But they said they will come to visit, and will also give me a room next summer. Really lucky to have such close friends.

Feeling a little nostalgic, a little sad this morning, I suppose because I saw last night how much I will miss my people here. It’s certainly an emotional roller coaster. I think I’ll be fine when I get on the road to Florida, but this morning, the distance between now and then seems so great. So many people I want to see before I leave here.

I’ll get through it, as I always do.

When I got home my son informed me that the front door lock was broken. The deadbolt has been unable to be locked from the inside for awhile. There’s another lock in the door handle, which we really never use. But apparently, unknown to me, my son has been and now it doesn’t work either. It feels stuck, so I’m going to go buy a can of WD40 and spray it this morning. I sure hate to call a locksmith when I’ll only be here two more weeks. Seems ridiculous. But I can’t leave it unlocked for the week I’ll be gone.

My son also told me he thinks there’s a skunk living under my deck. I said, “OMG, I better get some repellent or something.” He said, “No….leave it for the new people.” LOL. He’s mad at the $5k they took from me too, lol. I will have to get my friend Peter’s big extension ladder out from underneath the deck though. I hope the skunk is not in residence when we try to do that!

Feeling pretty good this morning. A little tentative, but ok. I’m usually better as the day wears on and I get things accomplished. Moving along…

Love and light everyone.

To Take the Risk, or Not

Posted on by learning to live like water

regret

There is a risk,
In everything

Isn’t there?
Love,
Fear
Moving,
Letting go.

The risks I’ve taken
Were always scary.
I weighed the risks.
The possibility of loss
Versus
The possibility of gain.

Some of them
Worked out.
Some of them,
Didn’t.
At least,
Not the way I wanted.

But I know,
Beyond all
That if I didn’t take the chance,
If I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable to loss
There was no chance to gain.

I’d rather lose 100 times
With the chance to gain once,
Than to stay stagnant,
And wondering,
What if I had taken that chance?
What if I’d asked the question
And the answer was yes?

Getting Real

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is real. I just booked our hotel rooms for the trip to Denver. Yikes!!

I got all the junk picked up by the guy who makes dump runs today. Packed up most of the kitchen, but I ran out of bubble wrap, so had to make a run to Home Depot for another roll. I think I have just enough boxes to finish. I’m really about 90% done now. It’s crazy…

One of my oldest, closest friends here has invited me to dinner tonight. She’s the one whose daughter was born the same day as my son. We’ve been friends since they were 2 and we met in Story Hour at the library. 22 years. Wow.

I am detaching from the house now. It doesn’t feel so much like it’s mine, with all my stuff packed up. Which is good. I can be so attached to some things. And was, to the house. But it’s different when it’s divested of all the stuff that makes a house a home.

I was happy I was able to write some poetry this morning. Felt like I got my words back, and that was good. (Even if my counting on my haiku originally sucked, lol. Thank you Anita….)

Time to go, see my friends.

Love and light….

Like Flypaper, You’re Stuck to Me

Posted on by learning to live like water

This poem was written as a writing prompt for SoCS (Stream of Consciousness Saturday).  The prompt this week w as  your/you’re/yore.   Here is the link to Linda G. Hill’s site, who hosts SoCS, if you should want to join, or read other posts.  https://lindaghill.com/2016/08/26/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-august-2716/

socs-badge-2015

I know it’s Sunday, lol, but I just didn’t have time until this morning.  So here it is….

Like Flypaper, You’re Stuck to Me

You stick in my mind
Like flypaper
Covered with bits of
Memories we shared

Have you forgotten?
Your silence is fierce
More than your presence was.
It doesn’t quite let go,

No, I know you haven’t
Forgotten me.
Avoidance is your thing.
You’re fearful
Of losing what
You don’t really have.
You’re pretending
That our sweet time together
didn’t matter,
To make someone else
feel more important.

It doesn’t matter now,
But what was, was.
It mattered then,
It was sweet
It was good.
Your silence doesn’t change that.

Taking from me
Doesn’t give to her.
Your reasoning is flawed.
The days of yore
ARE,
They just are.

Love always, all ways.

 

By Deborah E Dayen

The Dream At The Door

Posted on by learning to live like water

Dreams at the door

A dream knocked on my door
One day.
I asked it in, for tea
Or coffee
Or a glass of wine
Or water.

Whatever it wanted.
I wanted
to hear what it had to say.

The dream talked
A voice in my head,
whispering in my ear.
It slid it’s hand up my back
And made me shiver as it
wrapped itself around my head
and my heart,
And assured me,
Sweetly,
“You can do this.
It will be a breeze.”

Of course, I didn’t listen
At first.
But the dream stayed with me
It wouldn’t let me go
Like a halo of possibilites
It kept telling me I could.

I would lay down,
it would wrap around me like a lover
and whisper
“You can, you really can.”

I’d take a shower,
It would slide down my skin
Caress my arms, kiss my legs
“I know you can…..”

Little by little I gave up
Resistance.
I let it begin
To unfold.
One tentative step
After the other.

Until I found myself
HERE.
With the dream,
Still stuck to me
Like sheets after
Making love on
A hot summer afternoon.

On the cusp.
The dream unfolding.
The joy chomping at the bit.

And the dream,
Like a satiated lover,
Said,
“You could.
I knew you could.”

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Gettin’ In The Groove

Posted on by learning to live like water

It took me awhile to get in the groove today. But I did, finally. I slept well last night, but woke up still exhausted. I guess it’s just emotional exhaustion. Goodbyes, so many. So many well wishes on FB. Of course, there is one person who has remained silent, but I suppose that’s for the best.  Whatever….   I hate leaving things on a bad note, that’s all.  But again….maybe it’s just for the best.  You know, I heard from Addie, the man whose heart I broke a few times, but not from the man who caused me to do it.  But you know, that’s who they each are.  I was really pleased to hear from Addie.  He’s always been there for me.  He understands what love always means.

I got a good amount of stuff done today. I think I’m ahead of the game. I got more stuff thrown into the pile of stuff getting hauled to the dump. Also got my floors vacuumed up and downstairs. I’ve been neglecting the normal housework stuff.  Got the two rugs I’m taking rolled up. And have about half the kitchen packed. So really…not that much left to do. I have to finish my clothes but not until I know what’s going in my suitcase for driving down.

I decided starting in Monday we will be on paper plates and plastic cups so I can get the dishes packed. And when I come back from CO, no more cooking. Pots and pans are gonna get packed that weekend, and finishing my clothes and bathroom stuff. I’ll have to stay at my friend Susan’s who is driving down with me for a couple nights before we go.

But I’m ready. I have the plan, I have the schedule. I think I’ve thought it through and not left anything out. When I get to FL, my friend who lives there, and my friend who lives across the state in Daytona will be there. Susan will stay until Monday afternoon. So I have some people to help me move in.

I stopped working today at about 3 PM and promptly fell asleep on my couch. At 4 I got up and decided to run some errands and get a few things at the grocery store. And now, I’m starting dinner, but also sitting with a nice Gosling’s rum and coke with a half a lime squeezed in. Feeling relaxed. Content. I have so much to do this week, the fact that I’m not working is incidental, really. But the fact is, I’m pretty relaxes about it because I don’t have to work.

Which still friggin’ blows my mind.

Well, I think I’ll go get some stuffed olives out of the frig, and have a snack with my drink.

Love and light, all.

Life IS Surely Calling Me

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was so tired when I got home last night. I wrote, because I wanted, as always, to try to record it while it was still fresh. This morning I remembered a couple other things that were kinda cool yesterday, and actually just coincidental, but then there aren’t any coincidences, so think what you will….

On the way to work I take the back roads through the town I live in, because they’re paving the main road and the pavement is a mess. But going this way, which is a road around the lake in town, there is a spot where they have closed the road down to one lane for construction. They have a stop sign at either end and the one lane section is about 50′ with jersey barriers on either side. Generally you stop and take turns with the cars lined up on the other side. Yesterday however, they had a cop there directing the flow of traffic and he was waving the whole line through. He was a big guy, and I’m gonna guess in his 50’s. At least, from a quick glance obviously not a kid. As he waved me through, making that “come on” motion with his hand, I looked at him. He changed his hand motion to an actual wave, with a big smile. The kind of smile that made me giggle, lol. I thought what a nice way to start the day, having some random man kind of flirt with me, lol! At my age you take it where you can get it, lol.

The other thing was that last night when I got into my car to drive to the restaurant where we were all meeting, I plugged my phone into the stereo as I always do. I always have all my music on shuffle, so it just plays in random order all the time. But I thought it was so cool, and really, such a message from the universe, that when I put it on, as I drove out of work for the last time, Beth Hart’s song called Life is Calling began to play. How friggin’ perfect is that?

I got to the restaurant in a couple of minutes, it’s very close to work. And sat in the car til the song ended. As it ended and I got out of the car, my dear dear friend who retired in January was walking up to the car, with a gift bag of goodies.

It’s been a long time since I spent a day feeling loved, and loving back. I hope it becomes the norm, because what a lift it gave me.

Just wanted to remember those two things too, about yesterday. I’ve put the song “Life is Calling” up before, but am putting it again, since I feel like it’s absolutely how I feel.

Love and light.

What a Nice Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Wow. What a last day. It was awesome.

I got so many gifts from people. So many hugs good-bye. I had customers calling to say good-bye. Even the Fedex delivery guy. One of the guys I have worked with forever, who I call the little brother I never had, actually cried when he gave me a bottle of Champagne. Our electronics engineer, who is 30 and I call him my other son (his birthday is the same day as my son’s) must have hugged me goodbye 10 times today. He told me I’m his other Mom, his work mom.

My boss gave me my “exit interview”, lol. He was warm, and kind, and told me to stop in whenever I’m in the area and say hi. He was as personable as he can be.

We all went out for a drink after work. I had asked our sales manager if he thought his wife would feel well enough to come. She has cancer, it recently was found to have spread from her lungs to her brain and she’s been undergoing radiation and chemo. He shook his head and said he didn’t think so. But this morning he told me she was going to stop by, and I almost lost it, really. I love her, she is just such a smart, sweet lady and going through this hell, and took time to come by and wish me well. My friend who retired in January came too. It was awesome, just so awesome.

One of the men, who has been there the whole 12 years, told me he has seen me make such a metamorphosis in the last year, and told me he hopes I meet some wonderful man who deserves me, that I look so good. He’s so happy for me. His wife was sitting with me when he said it, he wasn’t coming on to me.

It hasn’t sunk in yet that I won’t go back there.

I have everyone’s phone number and emails, so I’ll be sending a travelogue to a mass text on the way to Denver.

I put a post up on FB this morning saying it was my last day of work. I got so many comments wishing me luck. There was one from Addie, telling me to send lots of pictures. I haven’t talked to him in months, except a short text when I sold my house. It was nice to hear from him. He’s such a good sweet loving man. I wish I could have loved him. I’m glad he found someone who could.

So, it was a really memorable day. I really tried to just stay in the moment, not get too caught up in the goodbyes. I think I did ok.

It’s on now, to finish packing up this life. Officially retired. Amazing.

Love and light.