Trust….I never used to have trust issues. In fact, I was willing right up front to trust most people, unless I got a really bad vibe upon introduction. I wanted, and still want, to believe that most people will tell you the truth because lies are such a burden.

This has not served me well. I’ve been lied to by the men I’ve loved. Yet, I’ve never thought that I should hold back. I’ve always thought, hey give them a chance, and if they burn you it’s on them. Until now.

I don’t think Dan meant to lie to me, but he was just acting. Acting in an intimate personal relationship is lying. I thought he was honest, I thought I’d finally found someone who would do the right thing, not the easy thing. Someone who could look at themselves honestly. I shake my head and think my middle name should be Pollyanna. I expect that most people will want, and will do, the right thing. It puts me at a disadvantage though. And at this moment, I’m feeling it, and rethinking how trusting I should be.

In the few exchanges I’ve had with Dan since we split, it’s apparent to me that he wants to bury this, like every other emotion he’s ever felt, and pretend it didn’t happen. I won’t try again to talk with him because the last time I insisted on that (because I have to insist, or it won’t happen) he turned it ugly, and there it ended. I am trying hard not to be angry, trying hard to have some compassion for him because he has no idea how to be different, and because he’s basically alone again. But then, that’s what he wanted. That’s the only way he feels comfortable, the only way he doesn’t have to confront himself or be accountable.

Come to think of it, that’s what my ex did. Just isolate himself. But for totally different reasons. Dan was not like my ex, but neither was he the man I believed he was. I thought I could trust him not to ever hurt me, or lie to me. At first, he let me in, but I guess he will only go so deep. Then I began to realize how well he can act. Like his mother always proudly states, “He knows how to act.” Yeah, he is good at fooling people. He liked the fact that many people felt they knew him, but actually didn’t know him at all. The persona he presented to them, and to me, I slowly began to learn, was not really who he was. It is a shame he thinks so little of himself that he feels he can’t let himself be seen.

Now I have trust issues. Big ones. I just want to be alone, in my house, with myself and the things I am passionate about, and just take care of myself. He used to tell me I had too many passions, that I should just pick one. Advice from someone who had absolutely no passions. I ignored the advice. I guess the reason I’m thinking about these things this morning is because I dread that I have to go deal with this boat with him on Thursday. I’ll keep my distance, as much as I can. I will keep the conversation down to a minimum, just what is necessary to deal with the task at hand. I’ll try not to be angry with him, or hurt by him. There won’t be an audience, so I won’t have to watch him act out for them.

Trust, so easily broken. So hard to repair. When someone breaks your trust, you then begin to doubt yourself, wondering why you so readily believed the person. All things I need to work on.

But the sun is shining, it’s going to be fairly warm today. I get to see my sister and brother-in-law for lunch today. Looking forward to that. Life is good on the whole. And someday, I’ll be able to trust again. My filter may be rusty but I’m working on making it shiny again.

Love and light.

My company is all gone, for a couple of weeks until my son and his family come. The last one left this morning, as her flight kept getting delayed due to a snowstorm in upstate NY. I told her to stay here Saturday night and go home yesterday morning when the weather cleared, which she did, and was really glad about it. It’s nice to have the house back to myself, but it also seemed so quiet.

The quiet today gave me a chance to get a lot done. I got a bunch of housework done that needed doing, vacuuming under the bedroom furniture, 3 loads of laundry washed dried and folded, and errands for miscellaneous stuff I needed at the hardware store and drug store. I practiced the sound healing new stuff I’m working on until I was gonged out, lol. But that was actually good for me. I considered going out for a little bit last evening but chose to stay home. I was tired from the day, and it was a bit chilly out, and I would have been at an outdoor restaurant. Instead, I stayed home, watched a couple new to me series on Amazon, Modern Love and The Practice, and The Marvelous Mrs. Maizel. Just what I needed. I slept well, and even though I’m up early (5:30) I am rested.

I have realized that with Dan’s departure, I work harder at staying busy, and getting stuff done. I think that’s only partially because I want to fill the space that he took up in my life. That hole is getting smaller. It’s also because when you move between houses, you don’t get a lot of the nitty-gritty stuff done. So the house is looking better, I’ve been able to get stuff put away and thinned out a little bit.

I do have to see him on Thursday. He’s coming over to get the boat and take it to the marina, drop it in the water, and then put it back on the trailer correctly, which he will need my help to do. Then I can get it cleaned up and try to sell it. It runs perfectly well now, as long as it’s not kept in the water where stuff grows on it so fast. I am not looking forward to doing this with him, and he has expressed that he dreads it. I know that is partially because we have to do it together, but more because he feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I’m going to shut down my emotions as I do every time I see him, just staying mindful, focused on the task at hand. I don’t want to get back together with him, I don’t want to engage in any conversation with him except what’s necessary to get this done. I’ll get through it.

This morning a guy is coming to give me an estimate on hurricane-proofing my front door. I will get a big discount on my homeowners’ insurance once I do that because I’ve done all the windows. My front door, I’m guessing, is as old as my house, and suits it. But it’s an odd size and small. Anyway, because of that I am not replacing the door, which would be pretty expensive. Then I’m going to my friend’s chair yoga class for the first time. She is the one who helps me with the sound healing. I’ve been wanting to go forever, but I was usually at Dan’s on Monday morning, Then I was sick, then I had company, yada yada yada. Today I’m going. She believes it will help with my flexibility.

I feel I’m moving forward, at times like light speed, at times much slower. But still, the momentum is forward. Like a meme I have shared on FB: Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

Love and light to everyone.

Yesterday my friend and I went to the beach, finally. We had lunch at a restaurant/bar on Treasure Island where the tables are in the sand, and the overhead is strung with fishing line to keep the seagulls away. Then we got a couple chaise lounges down by the water, and just sat and listened and soaked up the hazy sun for an hour. We stuck our feet in the water, which was cold, probably around 61°. It was lovely.

When we got home again, she taught me how to make homemade biscotti. We made triple ginger and then cranberry pistachio. They are easy and so good!! Then we went out to dinner at an outdoor venue where 2 of my best friends were playing. We got a salad and a pizza. A bunch of the members of my tribe was around. We were all sitting in the same corner up by the band. Two of them came over to tell me that Dan was there, and had forgotten his wallet so went home to get it. It’s 10 miles each way for him, but very typical of something he’d do.

Whatever, when he got back for the last 15 min, he sat at the table next to mine. I guess I never realized how loud he talks, and how he dominates the conversation. Which is probably ok in a different situation, but not when people are performing right in front of him.

Then he called my name and thanked me for sending a letter from DMV about his truck insurance which had come to my house. He had had to do this in front of everyone, loudly of course. I don’t want to see him, but can’t help but run into him since we are really part of the same circle of friends. But I certainly don’t want to talk to him, and to me, it was clearly a bid by him to have everyone see how nice he was being to me. He needed the audience, but I didn’t appreciate it. I sent him a text and asked him to speak to me privately in the future if there’s something he wants to say. I didn’t appreciate having to respond to him, with all eyes on me. Of course, I just said “you’re welcome,” and walked away. He could have sent a text, he could have called, he could have said it to me when he was sitting almost back to back with me at the two tables. But he needed to act, to put on his show.

I suppose that seems picky, but I am still very hurt by what he did when he ended this relationship, and the way he did it. I still feel blindsided to find out he’s not who I thought he was, that he was doing an Oscar-winning job of acting. So little things like making me talk to him in front of people really upset me.

He answered my text back, “wow”. Whatever. His typical non-empathetic response. Just leave me alone. The whole thing gave me a bad night’s sleep, fitful, waking a lot. So I am totally ready for a night at home.

So my friend is headed back to the Adirondacks today. She may have a two day trip of it, since it will be snowing up there tonight. She may stay at the hotel near the airport she flies into, and try getting the last two hours of driving in the tomorrow. Better in the day, even if it’s snowing, than to drive 2 hours, later at night, in heavy snow.

I don’t miss snow, that’s for sure.

Tonight I’ll have my house back to myself, and will take a rest, and watch some TV, maybe read, maybe write.

I’m going to leave you with an old favorite songs, Phoebe Snow singing Have Mercy on Those. The lyrics fit just about anyone I was ever involved with. Love and light.

I’ve had a lot of company this week. I was kind of dreading it, but it’s been easier than I expected. I’ve been sleeping 7-8 hours a night on average, without any aids such as a couple medicinal hits of pot, or an Ambien. That’s awesome for me. It’s where I want to be. I think I’m able to sleep because I am grounded, I have accepted what is, and I can look at the past without regret, but without longing either.

It’s pleasant.

Yesterday we went to the Sunken Gardens in St. Petersburg. They were created in a sinkhole 100 years ago, and are just beautiful. I’ve been before, and wanted to take my friends who is a consummate gardener. She really enjoyed it. Then we went to Trader Joes, which is up the street from there a few blocks, just because she had never been. I didn’t think I needed anything, but spent $33 anyway, lol.

We came home, each of us took a short nap, and then made dinner of some meatballs I had in the freezer, fresh raviolis, and a salad. We headed for open mic. My friend was a music teacher for 35 years up in the Adirondacks, and still leads chorales, etc. She really enjoyed the open mic because the people who perform are really good musicians and there is a huge genre of music played for the 3 hours. She met a few more of my friends, two of which were having their birthdays and people had brought cake, which was really good. We all sang happy birthday to the accompaniament of cajun music by the Gulfport Swamp Opera. It was so much fun! We hadn’t really expected to stay the whole 3 hours, but ended up doing it anyway.

So it was a really fun day, and I know we both enjoyed it. Tonight, her last night, two of my friends are playing at a local restaurant in an outdoor venue, so we are going, and get a pizza or something and watch them. Dan may show at this venue, because he’s friends with them, and enjoys their music. But I’m fine with that, as long as he’s not sitting at my table. I still have some anger mixed with the feeling that this has been coming on a long time, and he wasn’t honest about it. But whatever, I’m getting past it and am beginning to see how different we are, and how it never would have worked anyway.

Pretty soon (tomorrow afternoon) I will have my house back to myself. I have some things I need to do, like mow the lawn, and practice my new soundbath experience. The weather seems to be returning to normal Florida January weather in the 60’s and 70’s. It’s lovely. As my friend said, “Wow, it’s so nice to walk outside at night and it’s not freezing…..”

All is well in paradise, lol. Hope all is well with all of you. Love and light.

The mini-reunion of old friends is winding down. At one point, on Monday night, there were 5 of us sleeping here in my tiny house. Funny how when we did this 3 years ago, my friends stayed up late, ’til 3 AM, talking. This time we were all asleep by midnight. The friend who’s staying all week is more on my schedule of going to bed around 10:30 and up around 6:30, so that works well.

I’ve been surprised how well I’ve been sleeping with all these people in the house. Perhaps I’m just exhausted because I’ve been going going going every day since last Thurs. I am usually out one or two nights a week, until 9 or so. Never late. Almost always it’s to go see friends playing music. I’m happy I’m sleeping. There’s something comforting having people here who have known me and each other our whole lives. No one is acting, no one is putting on a show. We can all just be ourselves and know we are accepted. It’s nice after being blindsided by someone who can act, but not feel.

It’s been pretty cold here on the west coast of Florida for a few days. Like highs in the 50’s, and Wednesday morning woke up to a temp near freezing, 36°. And windy. We actually had a wind chill, instead of our usual heat index. But today it’s going back up to the 70’s, so I’m happy my friend will get a day or two of more typical weather. We were going to go over to the barrier beaches last night so she could see a Gulf sunset but it was just too cold out. So we went out to Dunkin, and got some ice cream at the Baskin-Robbins attached to it.

Today I think we’re going to the Sunken Gardens in St. Pete, and then maybe across the street to Trader Joes. My friend has never been there. She lives in the Adirondacks of NY, in a town with a year-round population of less than 100. No TJ”s there, lol. And tonight, I’ll take her to open mic for a bit. The friend who plays Tibetan bowls at the sound healing had her birthday yesterday, so they will have a cake, etc., tonight at open mic for her. And it’s also the bass player’s (with the house band) birthday, so his name will be on the cake too. It will be fun. We have some plans for tomorrow, her last full day here too. I will honestly need a rest when everyone is gone.

I’m hoping Dan doesn’t show up at any of the venues tonight or tomorrow. I’m guessing tomorrow’s he may show though. I have done my best to make sure everyone knew I didn’t want anyone to feel that they had to choose between us, that I can be in the same place as him, and ok with it, as long as he leaves me alone, which he will. But still, it’s easier for me not to see him at all. I sent him a text a couple days ago, asking him to pay his portion of the phone bill, and to get his phone off of my bill by the end of the billing cycle. He sent me the money but no word about him getting off the bill and switching to his own account. I also asked him to let me know his plans for getting the boat back on the trailer correctly. He said he had no plans, but maybe we’d talk about it this week. I’m not looking forward to that, but it has to be. We need to get this boat sold, and out of my yard.

I am enjoying being alone, not having to listen to constant complaining which came on so slowly that I didn’t realize it was happening until it stopped, and I had peace and quiet and was able to feel happy, even joyful, and certainly grateful, about life, without the innuendo that I was naive, or whatever it was. When he tired of acting with me, the real him came out. The one who’s never been happy in his life (so he says). I’m thinking that’s where his thought process goes, and he manifests what he thinks about. I feel for him, to have nothing in his life that makes him joyful. Even his grandsons he wants to get away from after a few days. Sad. Really sad.

Well, my friend is up now, and we’re watching the sunrise out my kitchen window. Joy. The world is a beautiful place, and I’m feeling grateful I can enjoy it.

Love and light to all.

I thought I knew you
Turns out, I did not, at all.
Hidden from my view

I thought you loved me
Turns out, you knew how to act
And act you did well.

I thought we would be
Together, always, but find
Always, until we’re not

By Deborah E. Dayen

I’ll be off in a little while to pick up one of my oldest friends at the airport. We were 13 when we became friends, so that’s what, 55 years ago. A few more of our small circle are joining us Monday. It will be so good to see them. It’s perfect timing for me. It will help smooth the transition from being part of a couple, to single just because we all support each other and we have so much fun.

It’s nice to feel that kind of freedom again. I felt it for a long time with Dan, but for 6-8 months it has become a heavier and heavier burden, for both of us, I think. After the infatuation wears off, as it so often does, we weren’t that right for each other. We differed on so much. I hope he is happy. I know I am.

Once we get the loose ends resolved, we’ll both be able to put it behind us. Really the only loose end is the boat in front of my house. Need it sold, gone. The money straightened out as best it can be. Then the break will be clean, no hanging threads.

But for the moment, I don’t even care about that. I care that I have a few days coming up of people I love and who love me, a tight circle of friends that we have created. We have a busy schedule, but a fun one.

Probably won’t be writing too much this week with all the people in my house, lol. And one bathroom….I say, hey, at least there’s one!

Life is good all. I’ll check in when I can. Love and light.

Blessings abound.

1. Reconnecting with an old and wonderful friend. In fact, a few of them! All the way from middle school (what we called then Jr. high school), to CT, 55 years of friendships. Then here, making new friends, close friends. Solidifying friendships that I’ve neglected.

2. Having many people urge me to do the sound healing on the beach alone, with only 1 gong. Urging me strongly, and they are people I don’t even know, but who went to the last one and fell in love with the practice of vibrational meditation/healing.

3. Having a friend who is willing to pick up some of the slack left by Dan’s leaving the sound healing. Without her, I don’t know if I could do it by myself.

4. The sun is pouring through my kitchen window, lighting up the day, with another beautiful day. I guess it’s supposed to cool off considerably next week for a few days, but while it’s here, this weather is so awesome.

5. My son and his family coming to visit. He’s young enough so he doesn’t realize how short 6 days are, lol, but it will be wonderful anyway. Love that kid so much.

There are so many more, but these are the few that are on my mind this morning. Counting my blessings, feeling grateful.

Love and light.