Category Archives: Poems

Waves

Posted on by learning to live like water

102

Picture from East Beach, Rhode Island

The anger wave is being replaced
By the wave of complete devastation.
The one that rolls over your body,
And you begin to understand
What drowning is like.
Flooding the body with tears,
The ones that have been stuck in your throat for hours
The ones you tried so hard not to cry,
Because you were afraid
Once you started you may never stop.
The tears that come from somewhere deep in your soul
Accompanied by violent body-wracking sobs
Gurgling up as the wave rolls over you
Filling you with liquid pain
Stealing your oxygen.
You heart screams,
“Let me out,
Bring me to the surface
I’m going to die…
I’m going to stop beating.”

How it keeps on,
I don’t know.
The pain which radiates from it
Disables me.
Completely.

How I want it to be over.
To drown,
How lovely it would be
To be numb enough that the waves don’t hurt me.
Just numb.
No joy, no pain, no nothing.
No him, no her, no me.

To be in a land where nothing reminded me.
No life, only gray, only rocks, only dirt.
Nothing to stimulate a memory,
Or a desire.

It is worse than death.
There is no peace.
In death, I would be reborn.
In this,
only suffering.

Dancing

Posted on by learning to live like water

Dancing,

Circling each other,

Faster and faster.

skirts flying,

Hips swaying,

Torso undulating.

Breasts heaving.

Castenets clacking.

Heels clicking.

He pulls her into the enter of the circle.

Close enough

to glance into each other’s eyes.

He holds her for a moment

Only a moment,

Until the music tells him to send her away.

She spins outward

She cannot even touch his fingers.

The dance begins anew,

Over and over

round and round,

embracing for a moment only

Then parted, waiting for the music

to draw them together

For another momentary embrace.

Never easing the hunger

of that erotic dance

Never close enough to tell a secret

Or catch a scent.

Or rest in the arms

Of the lover they can’t touch.

The erotic dance goes on

Spinning til there is no more breath

Circling until the heart races

Longing, Longing

Until insides churn.

The wistful yearning

gives way to the emptiness.

All desire to dance gives way

to desire to just live.

Dreaming in the Rain

Posted on by learning to live like water

The downpour in the middle of the night woke me.

My windows were open, and the sound was almost musical

As it landed on the roof, and the window sills.

I sleepily wandered under the covers,

The sheets sliding against my bare skin

Looking for you.

I thought I heard you breathing,

I thought I could faintly smell your scent in the air..

I thought I felt your heat, warming the bed.

It was a dream I had

In the cool dark rain

That you were with me.

What wondrous things we might have done,

If you were there.

The downpour faded away

And I melted back into a contented sleep

Hoping for another dream of you.

The Gift of Being Heard

Posted on by learning to live like water

Grateful this morning.

The words spoke of compassion

Of understanding

and set my mind and heart

at ease.

Feeling grateful today.

No minds were changed,

They didn’t need to be.

But connection was made.

You are you,

I am me.

I hear you.

I hear you.

What a gift to be heard.

To be acknowledged.

And accepted.

Perhaps, the angst

was eclipsed .

With the darkness of the night,

And set free as the light of the full moon returned.

Grateful.

Shutting Down

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m going comfortably numb again.

Speaking, without being heard.

Loving, and being alone.

Hurting, without relief.

Or, numb.

Numb, my choice at the moment.

No dreams that won’t come true.

No feelings that will

overwhelm

and

break

my

heart

again.

No need to acknowledge,

Again

The bitter truth.

Or to taste it

When the salty tears

and snot

run down my face.

Numb,

much better,

Much safer

For tonight.

Excruciating Joy

Posted on by learning to live like water

Pulling…

My shoulders about to dislocate from my body

My hands blistered,

Hanging on.

Then push….

I snap back,

I hit the wall

I crumple to the ground.

I lay there, still

hoping the pushing and pulling

just stops.

I want excruciating joy.

That’s all.

171I took this picture of sunrise over the Inter-Coastal Waterway from the town dock in Long Boat Key, Florida.

4 More

Posted on by learning to live like water

4 more hours to work.

4 more hours til I’m alone with my thoughts. 

4 more hours til I have to hold myself up. 

4 more hours I can pretend

That I don’t have to decide. 

4 more hours I can pretend

There’s a way to make it work. 

Again.  And again. 

4 more hours til the night descends

And brings with it the darkness. 

Darkness was never my friend. 

4 more hours. 

Too long. Not long enough. 

Even Though

Posted on by learning to live like water

My world this morning is unsettled

Yet again.

Dark gray clouds race through the early morning sky,

And a wind from the sea, 30 miles away,

Blowing, fiercely,

Bending trees.

Bending me.

A voice called to me

speaking silently

Asking me for just a small slice of my soul.

It would have been so easy

to acquiesce, to agree.

To pretend, again.

Oh I am so good at pretending

At making up stories

That what isn’t, is.

This time I said, no…..

You can’t have that slice.

Because it will leave a wound

When you are gone.

My heart lately, is tender.

It is covered with small wounds healing.

Wounds inflicted by me

Pretending, for you.

I can’t inflict another.

Even though I love you with all my heart.

Only You

Posted on by learning to live like water

Weary,

I long to rest my heart

On yours.

To hear a heartbeat

Reverberate through the silence.

Only silence envelopes me now

Quiet dulled by emptiness.

Where will I find some peace,

And when?

Tears leak out of my eyes,

begging solace from the night sky.

Walls implode

And crash in on me.

I tiptoe through the rubble,

looking for the pieces of myself that are scattered across the landscape.

You.  Only you.

Is all I can find.