A Little More On Physics

Posted on by learning to live like water

Following up my last post….the Physics of the Quest.

It is amazing how uplifting it is, to actually see the truth about some thing that’s been making you crazy, or just taking up too much of your headspace.  To be able to put it all in it’s own place in your psyche and actually just go to sleep, untroubled.  To wake up, and know where you are going, and see the possibilities in front of you.  To be able to let other things go, when you are able to see how incongruent they are with your beliefs and values, your desires, your lifestyle, your dreams.   Just identify and expunge.

It’s also good to know people are doing the best, from the place they are in  at the time. Then you don’t need to hold a grudge, don’t need to hang on to hate and anger and pain. I feel so much sadness for people who are so afraid of the truth.  To imagine that anything else will protect you.  So silly. The other choices, the ones other than facing and accepting the truth, will just make you sick.

As if lying and hiding the truth will ever protect you or anyone else.

Duh.

The truth really does set you free…..Just fly, lift your wings onto the breeze and let it carry you where you want to go.

Especially if you can combine it with unconditional love.  Love that never dies, but love that doesn’t weigh you down either.

In the words of Crosby, Stills and Nash,  “Let the water come and carry you away.”

Oh yeah.

The Physics of the Quest

Posted on by learning to live like water

physics of the quest

I love Liz Gilbert.  I first read Eat Pray Love years ago, during my divorce.  It was one of those things that I needed that the Universe put in my path.  This quote is from the end of it.

I did this, then.  I left EVERYTHING that was familiar and comforting.  A 40 year relationship, my house of 30 years, my job of 30 years, my son……I left it all.  I knew everyone I met was a teacher and I gleaned as much knowledge as I could from them all.

(Just to be clear… I moved a mile away from my son, who has now lived with me for the past 7 or 8 years. I did not abandon him,)

I’ve done it again, recently, though nowhere near as profoundly.

The truth has been revealed to me, once again, that’s for sure.  It always makes itself known, one way or the other.

Here’s to continuing the Quest.

 

The Search for Excruciating Joy

Posted on by learning to live like water

joy is

The closer I get to retiring the less I want to go to work.  It’s hard when you are a relatively short timer.  This morning was particularly difficult.  Maybe because I was up for about an hour in the night last night.  And maybe because when I woke up I had a little vertigo, which happens from time to time. Maybe because I was alone all weekend, which was 3 days because of the snow Friday. Maybe because it’s going to snow for the next 4 days, on and off.

UGH. I am really a whiny baby this morning.

I am going to get my oil changed on the way to work this morning. It’s so overdue, I’ve never let it go this long. I just kept forgetting. Bad, bad. I need this car to last me.

On a positive note, I got a couple necklaces made yesterday, one of them a gift for my sis when I go to Florida. I got the tray cleaned off that I lay them out on, it was so full of single beads and chips and chain and clasps left over from other projects it was almost difficult to lay a new one out.

I guess my problem at the moment is that ordinary is not cutting it for me. I want joy, excruciating joy. The kind of joy that makes your skin sensitive, your head spin it is so intense. Joy. My life is good, it’s fine, but at the moment, so ordinary. So bland. I don’t want drama, God knows I’ve had enough of that. I just want joy.

So I was looking for a picture to put at the top of this blog. I searched “Joy”. All I could find was “choose joy” or “joy comes from within”. Or something along the lines that it’s not something you find, it’s something you decide to live.

I know this. I’ve always known this. I shake my head at how far from my center I am this morning. I see where my work lies. About to do a little resetting of my attitude.

Yeah, excruciating joy. That’s all.

Changes

Posted on by learning to live like water

changes

Feeling a little introspective this morning.  The confusion I wrote about a few days ago still exists.  At times it doesn’t bother me, at times I’m sick of it.  At times I want to just move away from it toward something simple.

Florida.  I did some ground work on social security when I was home with the snow Friday.  I had forgotten that if I collect while I’m working I will get less, much less.  It seems I have to rethink my plans.  I still will sell the house and move, but have to live off of my own money til at least next January.  And how much will that cost me?  I don’t really want to use that money.  So If I move, I will have to work there at least somewhat.  I’ll need to earn some extra money so as not to deplete my own saving/investments.  At least until January of next year.  But I’m thinking if I’m gonna wait til January, wait til April, when I will be of full retirement age, and the monthly amount I get will go up.

So here’s hoping that I can find a fairly mindless, easy job for 20 or 25 hours a week when I move.  Nothing that requires the big decisions. At my current job, we brought in someone for a month to just do filing.  That kind of job.  I could file for 20 hours a week, lol.

Medicare is its own nightmare to figure out.  I talked so someone about it, and I can probably save money by going on it, and buying the supplemental care, and it will be a better insurance policy.  But I need to talk to my boss about it too.  I’ll do that this week.  I need prescription drug coverage, since I’m diabetic.

This country makes it hard to retire, and collect the benefits I have worked for for 50 years.  It’s crazy.

My son and I are making our monthly trip to Sam’s Club today to stock the house.  I have to stop at Michael’s and get some jewelry supplies on the way.  I’ll be making jewelry I guess, during the Superbowl.  I think  it’s the first one I’ve been home alone for since I left my marriage.  Not that it’s a big deal, really.

My son will be at a Superbowl party somewhere. As he should be.

When I was married, we used to make a bunch of homemade finger food.  Good stuff, and it was just an excuse to eat and drink.  It was about as festive as my ex and I ever got.  He was a good cook, so I didn’t do it all by myself, which was nice.  But I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop though, when it involved drinking with him.  He might be in a good mood, and just pass out.  Or he might morph into the creature from the depths and we’d all end up in our separate rooms, terrified.

It does make me think, how I miss the days when my friends kids and my son were all in school and we all saw each other a lot.  I didn’t think that group would ever disband, but without our kids activities binding us, everyone is drifting apart, not nearly so tight as we were.  I miss those days.  I don’t have many single friends.  It never mattered before, but it seems now….as my core group of friends drifts apart, I wish I had a few more single friends to hang out with.

I did a lot of cooking yesterday.  Homemade hot and sour soup, buffalo chicken meatballs.  I guess I was just in the mood.  It’s good Superbowl food anyway.  Maybe it’s a habit.  Maybe I was hoping for a last minute invite somewhere.  It’s also good food to have in the fridge so I can have a real meal when I get home from work.

Changes.  Everything changes doesn’t it.  It’s the only thing we can count on.  Change will come, whether we want it or not. Good to learn how to accept that which is.

I guess it’s time for gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for.  When I think about it, I feel kind of like a whiny child, lol, wishing for things to be so different than they are.  I guess that’s what Florida is all about.  Recreating something closer to what I dream of.  And being grateful for the opportunity and the ability to do it.

Love and light.

 

 

Shine On

Posted on by learning to live like water

It seems I have a slight obsession at the moment with SHINING.

It’s definitely a shining sunglasses day here. White white white everywhere, and bright bright sun. I have to admit that it’s beautiful! Which is some consolation for the fact that I have to figure out what’s wrong with the snow blower, since next week looks like a real winter week, snow, cold…UGH.

Shiny Florida is so calling my name. A couple of my high school friends who live down there, are in touch and maybe we will be able to get together while I’m there! And soon enough, I will get out from under this house and mortgage and get out of here permanently. Except for summers when I will come up here and visit my friends here. 🙂

Feeling a bit shiny today. I slept really well last night. I woke up only once, and then went back to sleep and slept for about 5 hours without waking. Without a sleep aid! God, it’s lovely to know I can actually sleep through the night. Maybe the 2 glasses of wine helped? Hmmm. Often though, I wake up more if I’ve had a drink, so who knows. I think it had something to do with un-fucking myself, lol.

Also, maybe because when I woke, the WP app on my phone had a ton of notices, and quite a few comments for me, funny, or at least, in alignment with un-fucking. And some of the blogs I follow put up some kind of capricious, funny, irreverent, out of the box stuff. Which put a little extra gleam in my shine.

I’m thinking, Mercury is definitely not in retrograde! Communication here, at least, is fast and quick, inspiring, positive. Energy in motion, lifting me. Finding my shine again.

I want to go to Florida with my shine on. Hell, I want to go to work, to bed, to the grocery store, with it on. Yeah, we all shine on.

Disappearing Words

Posted on by learning to live like water

poof

So why does this happen? I want to blame WP, but maybe it’s not. I was writing a blog, and usually I do them in Word and then copy and paste them, but this time I forgot, and was writing it in WP and suddenly the whole page blinks and the blog disappears. I try right-clicking and clicking “undo”. Nope. I use Firefox for my browser, and have Lazarus….but it isn’t there. I went to the file/edit menu and click “undo” but nothing. It’s gone, somewhere into the world, forever…..without a trace, except for the letter K which I typed after it disappeared.

Now, do I feel like writing it all again? No, not really. It was kind of a fun blog, but another time maybe. Not important enough to try to recreate the roll I was on.

My writing has been stifled lately. Some days I can come up with something that seems worthy of spending time writing about, but really the blog has always been about me working out my own shit. But now, too many people read it that know me. It’s no longer anonymous and with the loss of anonymity is the loss of freedom to say exactly what I feel, when I feel it, and be able to expound on it, or realize the error of my ways the next day.

So here I was tonight, kind of on a roll, the words kind of coming easily and not about anything profound but I was happy they were coming.

I’ve been alone most of the day. It was supposed to snow a little but it snowed a lot, so I didn’t go into work, since my street was not plowed until mid-afternoon. Hate to use a vacation day for a snow storm but I guess it is what it is. My son was here, but he’s not really company. He stays in his space doing his thing. Though we came together when we had to clear a foot of snow off the driveway and the snowblower crapped out. Did some serious shoveling of wet heavy snow (which is, I think, why the snowblower crapped out. Probably sheared a pin or something on the snow that quickly became ice inside the snowblower.) Then said son went to work and I’ve been on my own since.

I wanted to make jewelry, but found out I was out of the gauge of wire I needed to do wire wrapping. And I didn’t have sufficient beads to create the kind of beaded necklace I wanted to. So I messed with the Widgets and stuff on my blog site. I talked to a friend who seemed more interested in something else, or just bored and irritated with me, so I let that be. I made myself a nice dinner, I had a couple glasses of wine. Perused Facebook, found a meme I put up here….because it seemed appropriate. It kind of expressed where I was.

Oh I did some productive stuff too…laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned my glass stove top real well. Made cookies….

But I’m still irritated about the blog that disappeared. I was gonna say, story of my life…stuff comes and then disappears, just when I think I’ve got it going good. But maybe not. Maybe it’s just the blog. Sure hope so.

Snowing…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Meh. It’s snowing.  Last night they said 1″ to 3″ where I am, and where I work.  Which is nothing to even blink at.  But now they’ve upped it to 3″ to 6″, and it’s snowing hard.  To snow that much in a few hours.  I think I’m still traumatized from all the snow I had to drive in last winter, and I totally don’t want to do it.  I think I’ll go in to work later, after rush hour.  By late afternoon they say the sun will be out.  So, the drive home will be ok, just this morning will suck.

Oh well, it’s winter in New England…..My last one, hopefully.

It’s funny though, we’ve had only one appreciable snowstorm this winter so far.  So here it is February and the weathermen on TV are all so excited, lol.  They are all on TV this morning, reporting from driving in it, and on the broadcast, lol.  And really….6″ is a fair amount of snow, but really, not that big a deal here where we often get a foot of snow (like the last storm) or more.  Two years ago I woke up with 4′ of snow outside my door and that was a friggin lot of snow.  It fell in less than 24 hours, complete white-out all night.  There was a picture on FB of someone who opened their door and there was snow about 4 feet up against the door, they’d put their beer in it.  I remember saying, I could have done that…the snow was piled against my slider that deep.  It was crazy.

Spring is only a few weeks away.  🙂  And Florida is only 4 weeks away.  :-))))  Can’t wait.

 

Dentistry, Boredom, and Super Bowl

Posted on by learning to live like water

The tooth thing went fine, except for the dentist wanting to add $400 to the bill.  Which I will fight out with them later.  I paid what I was quoted, but not the extra.  For “core building”.  Well…it was the same tooth they quoted me $1450 for.  They told me that when I scheduled it in December, and I said, I was told $1450, that’s all I have in my budget.  Of course a tooth that needs a crown needs to have the core rebuilt, for goodness sake.  At least, when the patient is 64 and the filling in the tooth is 50 years old.  Anyway they said they’d talk to the dr and patient manager and get back to me.  I’m sure we’ll come to some resolution.

I have been on a paid dating site for some time, but haven’t paid any attention to it for ages. I think since my ill-fated dates with a guy named Jim that seemed hopeful at first but he turned out to be the most boring person EVER.  The subscription runs out soon, sometime this month, and I think I’ll just let it go.  I’m moving at some point this year, so what’s the point?  I’ve never met anyone on the site, or any site, that doesn’t bore the crap out of me, well, except S.  He might piss you off, drive you crazy, but he will never bore you that’s for sure!  LOL.  Drama maybe.  Boredom?  No.  In fact, a little boredom might have been a good thing, lol.

Whatever.  My heart’s not in the dating thing.  There’s a lot of stuff that still needs undoing, healing that needs doing, forgetting that needs to happen, and just putting things in their place in my psyche and my heart.  I’ve made my peace with everything around the events of last summer and last fall. I’m ready to go forward in my life.

It’s Super Bowl weekend, and I have no plans.  Seems weird, usually someone has something going on.  But it’s fine.  I’m not a big football fan.  I like to watch the commercials and the half-time show, lol.  If I’m not at someone’s house, I’ll be free to go to bed after the half-time show, lol.

Well…..I guess this is my “dear diary” for tonight, lol.  Why I feel the need to publish this stuff, I have no idea.  I feel like I’m having a conversation with friends.  Love and light all….

A Regal Tooth

Posted on by learning to live like water

queen

Going to get a crown put on a tooth at 8 this morning.  It is a tooth that has an old amalgam filling in it, the filling is 50 years old.  I’ve been putting it off, and my dentist has told me one day the tooth will just shatter, so get it done.  So…ok.  I’m going.

Like a friend said, I get to be queen for a day.  I said, yes, for $1500……

One of the guys at work said, ok, don’t forget to bring a towel and a bucket to work.  I looked at him puzzled.  He said, “for the drool….” because he’s one of those tough guys who doesn’t do novocaine.  I’d prefer to be knocked out, lol.

So off I go, not looking forward to it.  Hope the novocaine wears off by lunch time.

More later, I hope.  I haven’t had a whole lot to say lately, unusual for me!  But I’m sure it’s a temporary lull.  Love and light everyone.