It Wasn’t Revenge

Posted on by learning to live like water

He thinks it was revenge.  Revenge for breaking my heart.  Does he not know that a broken heart stems from love?  Does he not know me at all after all this time?

He said he will never forgive me. I said “why would I care if you forgave me?”

It us only important whether or not I could have forgiven myself for standing by, watching, an not doing anything to prevent any more heartache. 

It was for her.  It was because I saw someone getting the crap beat out of them every day, by a lie they were unaware of that was growing daily.  How do you stand by, when you see someone getting set up for the kill, against their own wishes, and do nothing?

It was for her Scott.  It wasn’t about you.

You devastate me, and then wouldn’t let me go.

As the weeks went on, I saw what you were doing to her.  You were still telling me you didn’t want a loving relationship. She obviously thought she was in one.  She had no idea, none, that daily you were laughing inside, as you tried to get me to see you Sundays, Wednesdays.  And if it wasn’t me, because it wasn’t, soon enough it would have been Samantha, or someone. Because you don’t know why you can’t have whoever you want whenever you want.

Your dream, to have a different woman every night of the week.  Your fantasy.

Her fantasy and mine, to have a man who loved them, and was faithful to them, and building something that bordered on miraculous.

It was for her.  I couldn’t stand by and watch you play with someone else the way you did with me.  I couldn’t watch as you set someone else up for a fatal blow at a time of your choosing.  You know I cannot remain silent, and watch someone get hurt. If you don’t know that about me, it’s because you didn’t pay any attention, you just took what you could from me.

I told you, if you want to be loved, then be lovable. Your actions are not separate from the person that you are, they are a physical manifestation of who you are.

Who you are, right now, is not lovable, because you used two women for your own purposes, oblivious to the pain you would cause.  I told you to stop acting wounded.  You have no idea what a wound is.  You didn’t love either one of us.  You are incapable of loving someone.  You are only capable of stealing from them, to bolster the empty hole that is your heart.  Stealing their pure love, their energy, their lives, so that you can believe you are valuable because these two women love you.

I have told you 100 times, I saw your soul.  Maybe 1000.  You know it was true, you know I knew things about you I shouldn’t have known because you didn’t tell me.  I told you your value is within.  Find it.  Take this time and find it.  Stop leaching off of me and her.

It doesn’t matter what happened to you when you were a child.  It doesn’t matter what you did yesterday.

It matters what you choose to do today.

Try loving yourself, enough to acknowledge who you have been, and to try to be the person you want to be.  The person you think you are when one of us took you to our bed and adored you.

We deserved to be adored back.

It was for her.  It was never about you.  You and only you are responsible for your life.

Bed of Lies

Posted on by learning to live like water

You got away with the first lie.

The others were so easy, weren’t they?

It became fun for you,

To play a game with my heart.

To see how long you could juggle two of us

Before it blew up.

You wanted to be “alone”

“Discover who you were.”

Then when I knew she was back in your life

You were only “talking.”

Yeah, talking while you fucked on Saturday night.

You had already been “talking” for months.

In your bed. Or hers.

And still fucking me.

A week before you pushed me off the cliff

And watched as I splattered across the ground far below,

you said, you were still talking, “a little”.

The lies were so easy,

They flow like dirty water from your mouth.

5 days before you broke me into 1000 pieces,

You told me to forget about the past,

That things can change for us,

“XOXOXOX”

That the future could look bright.

She was out of your bed

About 2 hours.

The lies piled one on the other.

The set up, to shatter my soul was complete.

Even 4 days ago…

“I miss you a lot.

Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”

You enjoyed fucking with my head

As much as my body.

And for her, one big lie….

That she was the only one.

The light was so bright it was painful

But now, it’s illuminated her path and mine

Away from you

And your bed of lies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sigh of Relief

Posted on by learning to live like water

Did you hear that sigh of relief?  It was loud, and long.  Breathe in peace, breathe out all the negative bullshit that’s been crammed down your throat for months on end.  Breathe in the love of the universe, breathe out the pain and the anger and the hate.

The Boop left him a note with her key to his house, told him it’s all over and not to try to contact her.  He sent me a pic of it, I suppose as proof that he told her so I’d let it go.  She said there’s a thin line between love and hate and she’s standing on it.  I said, I’ve slipped off of it, into the hate side.  Smart woman.

She signed it “Boop”.  I guess he and I had the same nickname for her.  Or maybe it’s her name for herself.  Who cares.  I just thought it coincidental that I have been calling her what he called her apparently. I didn’t really mean it as a compliment, but maybe Betty Boop is not as mindless as I thought.

He called her to tell her last night.  He didn’t even have the nerve to talk to her face to face.  They had keys to each others houses, and he couldn’t face her.  I said, at least you disrespected us almost equally.  I got a text, she got a phone call.  Well, we both got rid of an asshole.

I am so happy to have this episode of my life done.  I am so glad to feel about S the way I felt about my ex when I left, out of love, out of everything. Devoid really, of emotion about him, except a little left over anger and a lot of disgust for the man he turned out to be.  I have beat myself up good, over falling for a man who would do this.  It is as low as low can be in my book.  But I stopped beating myself up.  He’s the asshole, he’s the one who lied and deceived and betrayed two women who loved him dearly.  I had courage.  I got knocked down.  I’m standing back up.  He has nothing but a useless ego.

He actually had the nerve to call me, twice, tonight.  It went to voicemail.  Thinks I don’t have the “guts” to talk to him.  NO asshole.  I don’t want to talk you.  It would make me sick to listen to you twist the fact that you lied to me every day since last April and to her.

Go be alone.  Make some use of the time. But leave me the fuck alone. S.

A has gone to his brother’s ranch to pick up his winters clothes, in South Texas.  He sends me picture of this ranch, with a cantina, and horses, and a firepit, a bunkhouse, it’s really beautifully done.  He just sent me some pics and a “goodnight sweetie”.  What a difference from the scumbag.  Too bad I can’t fall in love with him.

Tomorrow a new day will dawn, and I’ll be a little farther away from this stupid drama. A little more back to myself.  Trying to let the light into those wounds.

 

 

Total Destruction

Posted on by learning to live like water

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.”
– Cassandra Clare, “Clockwork Prince”

Yesterday at work, my good friend who was on vacation last week asked to see a picture of the Boop.  So I found it on FB and showed her.  I happened to see that her place of work had a FB page, and I idly clicked on it, with no intent.  At least no conscious intent.  Probably a directive of the universe.  I do think I have been trying to fill the holes in the story of the end of my relationship with S, because it just didn’t fit together with what I knew

The company FB page had pictures of it’s company party from last summer.  August 9. There were two pictures of S there with the Boop.

When, as far as I knew, he was still with me, or by himself.  I may have even seen him that Saturday, overnight, before he went.  I saw him in August, once or twice, but would have to look back at my blogs to see when.

I was furious.  My belief that he was with her all summer, and it was why I rarely saw him, was confirmed.  He lied to me on such a grand scale, it’s beyond anything I could conceive of a human being doing.  I began to text him furiously, and finally said, you better get your ass over to her house and tell her before I do.

This was not meant to hurt either of them.  It was meant to let her know who she was dealing with, instead of living in the lie that he had told her,  that she was the only one for 6 months.  It was to make him finally accountable.  And mostly, because if someone could have called me and told me what was going on all summer, I would have been glad to know, and walked away from him.  All he had to do was to let me go when I wanted to and he’d be home free.

He left me a voice mail while I was at work.  He asked why I was doing this.  I texted him back.  “Because you deserve it.  Because I can only take so much and you have reached the limit.”

When I got to the car after work, I called him screaming at him, “You better be on your way to her house, because I’m calling her when I get home.  Who do you think you are, to be fucking two women and not letting either of them know the other exists???”

When I got home, I called him and asked if he was going.  It was about 6:45.    He answered dully that he was.  I wasn’t sure if I should call her or not.  I knew it would be easier for her to hear it from him than me.  But I didn’t, don’t trust that he actually did it.  I have her phone number, I still almost called her.  Her number is still on the dial pad of my phone.

He texted me back at 7:02 and told me she ended it with  him, and ranted at me.  Looking at that time table, I don’t believe he did it.  I think she is still in the dark.  It seems that conversation would have taken longer.  In fact, I am sure he did not.  He was going to tell her at 6:45, and telling me it was over by text at 7:02.  He continued to send me hateful texts for the next 20 minutes.  More than one word texts.  I was answering them. He lives a half hour away from her.  It is not possible that he typed and read my texts while driving that half hour in the dark.

More lies.  Unbelievable.

So, anyway….

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so angry.  I was not hurt, I have lived through so many lies, such deception, such betrayal, with him, I am numb to any more pain.

But I hate a liar, more than anything in this world.  That he was lying to her I hated.  That he lied to me all summer, knowing how I felt, and knowing what he was doing, pulling me back to him, when all the time he was seeing her was just deception and betrayal that I couldn’t stomach.  Literally.

Why should he get out of the betrayal of me and her unscathed?  I mean, just the day before he wanted to know if there was anything we could maybe do to repair our relationship because he  “missed me a lot. Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”  I am just so sick of getting bullshitted by him.  I am so sick of thinking I’ve heard it all and having  another handful of shit thrown in my face.

I stopped responding to his juvenile texts and voicemails.  I won’t.  But I may proceed with another idea I have because I don’t believe a word he says to me, and don’t believe he talked to her.  I think he was acting and still trying to keep her in the dark.

He actually said to me “I was trying to atone. ”  I laughed, out loud.  ATONE??? By telling me two days ago you may have made a mistake? OMG, he is delusional.  Or has no command of the English language.  ATONE?

At least he made me laugh.

Hey S, atoning would have been to come clean with both of us, and apologize and try to change into a person that someone wanted to have around.  Someone who could be accountable, own their own story, apologize when they fuck up, and not do it again.  It does not mean that you keep building layer upon layer of lies and deception.

I mean really.  Why would he even say that?  It is so far from anything he has done, ever.

He threatened me that he would send my intimate pics to people I work with, or my family.  I said, go ahead.  They will just know what a loser you are, what an asshole.  You think most people don’t do that for fun when they are in an intense relationship.  No one cares.  I haven’t done anything that I’m ashamed of.  I was reminded when he sent me a pic of BB in the jacuzzi, her breasts exposed, trying to make me jealous.  I deleted it and told him off for sending it.

He texted me that he was surprised I had not posted a victory blog last night.  Victory????  Seriously, that’s how he sees it?  As if I won something?  OMG, does he really not know what I have LOST?  Does he think that I am happy to find out what he did?  He thinks I am out for vengeance.   He’s just a stupid stupid man, who can’t be accountable for anything he does.  He made his bed and he’s finding out that he used bullshit for sheets and is not happy with it. Now that all the pieces fit together for me, I am totally able to let go, cut the cords, and walk, no, run, away.   I have the answers I needed to make a clean break.

If I never speak to him again it will be too soon.  If I never hear his name.  He wished me a slow death all alone last night.  I laughed, because he, like my ex, has crafted a life in which he will be alone, and that’s how he’ll die.  I have family, friends, and a new lover will be in my life.  My life is blessed.

Like I said the other day there would be no good ending to this.  I knew it then, and it’s what came to pass.

Won’t be writing much about him any more.  I am out of love, out of interest, I am walking away at light speed.  The thought of him, and how much I loved him makes me sick to my stomach.  For anyone to treat someone’s love as anything but a gift is unconscionable.  Funny, that’s what the Supreme Court called my ex 9 times in their decision.  S makes my ex look like an amateur.  I want this chapter of my life relegated to “stupid mistakes I made that I learned a great lesson from.”

Total destruction is all he leaves in his wake.

 

 

 

 

Livin’ The Dream

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was one of those days where I slipped backward, by my own hand.  I didn’t have to continue that conversation.  I chose to.  There is a momentary comfort in speaking to him as we used to.  And then there is the utter sadness again as I have to face the fact that we’re just pretending.

Today I look forward.  It’s cold here this morning.  Around freezing.  I hear my furnace go on, burning that fuel oil.  It could be worse.  It’s snowing in Denver, crazy snowing.  Soon enough it will be snowing here.  It will be my last winter.  Next winter, I hope to be walking on the beach, not wrapping up in blankets.  Hoping coconuts don’t fall on my car and dent it.  Hanging out with my sister and my mother and my friends.  Making new friends.  Maybe I’ll have found a new love by then, someone who actually can want me the way I want him.  I’ll wake up and sit outside, with my coffee, and my blog.  Smelling bouganvilla and hibiscus.  I can almost feel the balmy air on my neck.

I won’t be snow-blowing, or raking leaves, or crying about a relationship that would never work.   Maybe by then I’ll just think of him fondly for a moment, and then, smiling, run to the arms of the man who wants me.  For a long time, I thought I’d share it with him, but now, I know, I’ll share it with someone else, who knows what he wants and knows what he wants is me.  I believe it can happen.  I’m excited at the prospect.

I am grateful this morning, for my life.  For my home, for my peeps, for my breath, for my health.  For my dreams….oh this morning mostly for my dreams, which lift me out of the dark doldrums, and living in the past and point me to a future, full of love and light.

 

 

Two Stubborn Leaves

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

I texted with S yesterday, and this morning.  I think what was said, needed to be said.  A few of the pieces of my heart that had been so tentatively put back in place, crumbled and fell off.  I’ll pick them up, and put them back, and let the light in to heal them into something more beautiful.  I finally had to stop.  I can’t really do it.  I need to move on, not remind myself, or be reminded, of what was, and what happened.  There is no closure.  There is no way to end it well.  So we always just fade away, we don’t say good bye, we don’t say good luck, we don’t say anything.  I say, I’ll always love you.  He says, I miss you.

But he does nothing to change the decision he made.  We hang there, like the last stubborn leaves on a tree in the fall. Refusing to fall off, to be raked up, to be transformed.

I am about to let go.  I have to move on.  For real, not for a few days.

I may find the love of my life.  I may move by summer.  I will always love him.  But I will let go.  So I can go on living.  I’m tired.  I’m empty.  I’m letting go, strand by strand.  Soon the last one will slip out of my hands, and I’ll be gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where The Light Enters

Posted on by learning to live like water

The wound is the place where the light enters you ~ Rumi #quote #wisewords drawn into a Moleskine Notebook:

Yes, well, Rumi.   It certainly is.  When we are wounded so deeply, we have to search deep in order to rediscover our value.  Rejection, wounding, shake our foundations, don’t they?  We have to look deep, and somehow let that light in so we know, once again, we have value just because we exist.

We cannot find our value externally. tt exists within us, always.  Through this lifetime from the moment we are born, and into the next one, if you adhere to that school of thought.  The question is, how do we want to live this life, this one precious life? Searching for the validation that already exists within, that we are connected to the one great thing, looking for someone else to tell us we belong?  Or…do we want to take the beautiful soul that is each of ours and find another soul who can join us in a journey to go deeper, higher, more joyfully?

The light enters the wound, because we all make the wrong choice at some point. Or at least most of us.  I think this life is meant to evolve our souls, and there is no growth without pain.  We were meant to make the mistakes, we were meant to live through them, we were meant to learn from them.  Then, the light enters the wounds, illuminates the lessons, and makes us glow.

I think there are people that cross our paths that can see us glow.  I also think there are people who cross our paths that cannot see it.  Just because someone can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.  It means that their state of consciousness doesn’t let them yet see it.  I think when the light enters our wounds, we are bound to spread that light to others whose darkness doesn’t let them yet shine.

I feel like the light has entered my wounds, it is fast at work making parts of me glow that I thought had died.  I find that I have some attachment to the wounds, that they remind me how I loved, and loved loving.  But the light says, you can love again, and it won’t leave these wounds.

I saw a crack in the one who wounded me the other day, I saw the armor not completely sealing him.  I hope he lets the light in, I hope he finds a life that can bring him joy for the rest of his years on this earth. I hope he doesn’t waste this one precious life, settling for what is easy.  I hope he finds a life worth working passionately for.  I hope the light can enter his old, and deep wounds and let his self worth begin to glow.  It would make me happy to see that transformation.  It would also bring meaning and purpose beyond the lessons I already have learned, if those things rippled out to him and others.

I got the nicest comment on a blog this morning, where someone thanked me for being a blog that constantly inspired them.  This is really one of the main purposes of blogging for me, to share the lessons and let the light shine that was given to me. It was wonderful to wake up to read that, and know that my words helped someone else.  I hope the light that wrote those words that helped that person shines on everyone, even him.  Maybe, especially him.

Hurt people hurt people.  I have done it, hurt others, even him, when I have been hurt.  But now, I want to shine the light, whatever light I have, be it just one candle or a floodlight, on others.  I don’t want to hurt anyone again, if I can help it. And I can.

Let the light in.  More wounds, maybe mean more light can get in.  Maybe our souls and hearts can be mended like the Japanese custom, with gold, so that they have even more value than before they were wounded.  Let your wounds glow, and let us all light the world.