Having Faith

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today was a day of running errands, catching up with people on the phone, cleaning, laundry, cooking (apple crisp!), changing light bulbs in overhead fixtures.

I called my mom tonight, after writing her a “make-up” letter. I have been so remiss in my attending to her, from here.  Not calling or sending cards or letters, because mainly I have been too preoccupied with my own drama, and because I am working so late. When I called her I got to hear her laugh, which is always wonderful.  She laughed a lot, so I’m taking that as a really good sign.  She had to go, because the attendant broke in and said she was trying to get up out of her wheelchair, lol.  She got very excited….I am happy about that.

I didn’t hear from A much at all til tonight.  Last night was the first night in months he has not wished me “Goodnight sweetie.”  And nothing this morning either.  I texted him tonight, told him about my day.   He answered me with a picture of the sunset, and then let me know he misses me sending the heart and kiss emoticons.  So I sent him some.  I thought it might make it harder for him if I sent them, since the whole Christmas fiasco.  I love having him as a friend, but I don’t love the guy, except as close friend.  Anyway, he said, “oh really”?  Which is as close to angry or sarcastic as he gets.  I said, “I’m not insincere.  I love you, I’m not ready to be in a relationship, especially one that has 2000 miles between us.”  which is true and hopefully avoids the hurt of telling him again that I’m not in love with him.  He’s sad, and upset, and I feel bad about it.  I have told him he just moves too fast for me, and I don’t have time to sort my emotions til hes 10 miles ahead of me.  Really it was when I talked to him on the phone, instead of text, I knew I didn’t want to see him.  And I’so glad that it worked out that way, because visiting him or him visiting me for 5 days would have been very rough for me.

The universe was watching out for me again. Not letting me make another grand mistake.

Feeling good tonight.  This was the first weekend I was able to feel pretty normal all weekend.  I had no bouts of crying, or longing for what wasn’t. That was nice.

I was going to go down to the shore today, and put up a “for-sale” notice where my boat slip is, and then maybe walk on the beach for a little, because I’d be so close.  I really need to get to the water, but maybe next weekend.  I’d really like to get that slip sold before i move.

My son worked today, and then went somewhere to watch football, so I’ve been home alone all day.  But it’s fine, I’m good with it.  I have always been ok alone, just don’t like it 24/7.  I get irritated when my son gets up and interrupts my morning coffee, meditation, writing.  I’ve been alone too long, I think, lol.  I suppose if a relationship were allowed to grow, I could get used to it.

It’s time to wrap the weekend up.  Ready to call it a night and put all the events of the day behind me.  Life is good, it’s all working out as it should, I have faith in that.

Finding Your Own Way

Posted on by learning to live like water

https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/photos:

I had a conversation about this today.  It’s so easy for us to do what others want, or expect us to do. To stay in a marriage or a relationship because it’s easier than leaving it, even if it leaves you cold, or alone, or unfulfilled.  Lord knows I have done it.

Lord also knows that I have learned the lesson now, that my life is mine, to decide what I want out of it.  And I will fight my way to the light if I have to.  But I won’t settle for less than I want.  I am lucky, I know what that is.  I know what I want, I have some idea of how to get it.

But I intend to extend my hand to those still seeking.  Not to do it for them, but to support them and cheer them on in the quest to give their lives meaning.  No one should settle.  Life is for living, fully, passionately. As people have supported me, I will pay it forward.

You are enough.  You are so enough.  It is unbelievable how enough you are.  (another Liz Gilbert quote)

Learning to Love Ourselves

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I have always had a hard time with the concept of self love, until now.  I never felt I should put myself ahead of the needs of others, especially those who needed something from me, that I could provide.

This kept me in a bad marriage much longer than I should have been.  I did his work for him, I took care of him, of our business, of our home.  Eventually, of making the money to pay our bills and keep food on the table.  I got nothing back for it.  It’s of little surprise that when I left the marriage, finally, I was out of love, and depleted.  It’s of little surprise that I tried to fill the hole with food, and when I left, weighed about 40 lbs more than I do now.  It’s of little surprise that my heart used to pound in my chest so hard every night that I was afraid I’d have a heart attack in my sleep, and prayed every night not to let that happen, not to leave my son with my ex as his only parent.

It would have been the same with S, because I was giving myself to him, unconditionally, unlimited.  I did try, but not hard enough, to leave him when I began to feel that same emptiness.  But unlike my ex, S would give me an emergency fix and offer up a small bit of himself, and make me feel like he wanted me around, and I’d buy into it.

I realize now that I was not loving myself in either case, that I was just finding a way to keep giving of myself.

Loving ourselves does not mean that we think we are great.  It does not mean that we give our egos free rein over our thoughts and emotions.  It means that we dig deep, we find out what we need and want to lead a rich full life.  And we seek that out.

After my marriage I did that, for at least 5 years. I learned to meditate.  I sought out people who were more enlightened than me.  I read spiritual books voraciously.  I thought I had it figured out, who I was, and how to find what I wanted.

My first foray into trusting and loving someone was with S.  Although I knew and had learned well the power of unconditional love, I still had not turned that love inward.  I still did not ever put myself and my needs first.  I offered it up, and for some reason, felt it was ok if I didn’t get it back.  It wasn’t.  I was already depleted when the Boop came back into his life.  That incident cracked my heart open and took what was left and spilled it out onto the ground.  What could she give him that I didn’t? Why?

The answer was she gave him less, not more.  She wanted less from him, not more.  She was satisfied with less from him not more.  I get it now.  I get it.

Since then, in the last 6 weeks, I have realized that loving yourself means not giving up your dreams.  It means you honor the emotions you feel, you don’t act out on them, you feel them.  You honor them.  You live through them.  You find a way to grow from them.  Use them like the rain, to grow into something beautiful.

I learned that anger is only a mask for pain.  I learned that hate is only a mask for fear.  The fear is that things will now change, you will have to start over, you may live your life out without ever finding the love you want.  Which makes us so willing to accept even small bits of what we want, it’s better than nothing, right?

No.  It’s not.

This is where trust has to enter.  We have to trust that our lives are unfolding as they should be.  That the rich full life and love that we seek will come to us.  We have to trust that when we open the space in our hearts by letting go of people and relationships that are not working, the universe will fill it for us, with what we are dreaming about.  Simplified, it is the law of attraction.  Like attracts like, it’s a scientific physical law, and also applied to energy, emotions, relationships.

In my life, at 40 years old I dreamed I would have an amazing beautiful baby boy.  He was born on Cinco de Mayo in my 41st year, 10 lbs, 15 oz.  22 1/2 inches long.  Today he is 23, 6’3″, athletic, and focused, and kind, and loving and has been the light of my life since the day he was conceived.

All during my divorce (which took me 4 years to complete) I dreamed of owning my own beautiful home, and having my son with me.  That’s all I wanted.  And 4 years ago, I bought it, and my son had already been with me a long time.

What you dream of will manifest.

But first, you have to love yourself.  You have to believe you are worthy of an amazing life.  Of love and belonging.  Of whatever it is you dream of.  I am re-engaging with my dreams, and letting go of trying to make what was always untenable work.

I still will keep a place in my heart for the child who drives that riverboat, but it’s his journey to get it down the river, to steer through the deep and get wherever it is he’s trying to get to.  My path leads away from him now.  And I’m ok with that.  In fact, I am looking forward to moving toward the things that I want.

I’m learning to love myself, and honor myself, and my dreams, and I think that it has a lot to do with learning to live like water.  The journey to source, to ourselves, to becoming more authentically ourselves, is not always easy.  It doesn’t always flow.  It get blocked, and requires work to unblock it.  It requires us to at times make a new path, at times wear the bedrock away.  It requires us to trust our guts and the universe, knowing that the intent of one is the intent of the other.

An Ending and a Beginning. They Are the Same Thing.

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s been a good day.  The north wind blew in and it was blustery, probably the first day this season with a wind chill.

In Eat Pray Love, Liz Gilbert says “Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.”  I would have to agree.  Complete chaos ensued from the devastation of my life.  But now, 6 weeks later, I can see the unfolding of a new life for me, with clarity.  I see what I was not getting from that relationship, and how I just accepted it as it was.  Seriously, I was unfulfilled in many ways, and always deferring to his wishes. If I asked for myself, it would only be once, most of the time.  “No” is just too much rejection for a simple request.  I learned to find happiness with what I was given.  For awhile.  Because I loved him so much.  I was always dreaming of the day when he’d want me the way I wanted him.

It was never gonna happen.

Eventually, I wanted out, because I was unhappy.  Most of the summer.  He talked me down, he kept me engaged.  I don’t know why he did.  We rarely saw each other.  What did it matter?   I settled for misery because I loved him.  Time and time again, he pushed me away, til I left and then reeled me back in til he had me.

He should have told me about Betty Boop wanting back into his life.  Or him wanting her.  He just should have been honest with me and let me know the truth.  He knew neither she nor I would share him.  So he lies to her about it, and tries to convince me there’s nothing wrong with it.  He should have told me, and let me walk away with some dignity.  Instead of dealing a crushing blow to me. A blow that left me face down in the dirt, gasping for air, while he danced.

He chose BB because she doesn’t want anymore than his warm body in bed once a week.  And that’s what he wants, someone who asks nothing more of him. Who doesn’t even ask much of him there.  I caused endless problems between us because I was not satisfied with less than.

We have had an uncanny connection, I think more from my end than his.  He used to have it, he would call when I was thinking of him.  I have always been able to feel when things aren’t right with him. The day his friend died.  Different days and nights I wondered if he was ok, and he wasn’t.  Sometimes I knew, and didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want to know.  Just the other day, with his health.  I am still concerned with that, I’m not sure that was what I had the intuitive feeling about. Waking up to middle of the night phone calls or texts.  The morning he dropped his bomb on me, I sat there shaking, knowing there was something terrible about to happen.  I even blogged about it, how I was trying to talk myself down.  But my intuition was right.  My world was forever changed that day.

It felt like I would die.  And I was dying.  The me that kept giving in, and giving up, and accepting being treated poorly, and accepted less than I deserved, and so little real fulfillment, did die.  That day, and on the ensuing days.  And now, I have been reborn, transformed as Liz Gilbert says.  I have lost some of my excess weight.  I have done my work, I have looked within to see why I accept less than I want.  I defined what values were important to me.  I have realized that unconditional love has to be extended to ourselves first.  We have to value ourselves first, and only then can we offer anything to anyone else.

I am proud of my ability to show up, to get into the arena and be seen, and dare to love with my whole heart.  I don’t regret for a moment that I loved S.  But now, I won’t accept a one way street again.  What he has with the Boop, I don’t want.  I want connection.  Love.  Happiness.  I loved being in love. I want to be loved back.  This life is too precious to waste it away on trivial sex without connection, on a love that only goes one way, in a relationship that makes you cry as much as laugh.

I want more.

My heart is open to all the endless possibilities.  I am transformed. I am stronger than I ever was.  I am more focused.  I am more sure of myself, and what I want.  I can find and make very happy someone whose happiness will also depend on my being happy.  An energetic circle, where the beginning and ending are blurred, because eventually, they are the same thing.

Energetic Connections 

Posted on by learning to live like water

I slept well last night.  I woke at 12:30 though, which is not usual for me since I take Ambien almost every night.  But I did.  And as my eyes opened I reached for my phone, directed by ???  There was a missed call and voice mail from S, and a text message, not 10 minutes earlier. Geezus.

I tried to call him back, it was only 10 minutes, but there was no answer.  I read his text it said, “You confuse me.”  I asked why.

There was no answer.  But I didn’t care that there wasn’t,  I fell back to a sound sleep.  This morning, I simply said, “I’m glad I’m not blocked.”  He replied that I hadn’t been.

So….. he just didn’t respond to my texts or emails because?  Because he was messing with my head?  Yeah, I would say so.

He said he didn’t know what I was up to, but he didn’t trust me.  LOL.  I answered, well that’s exactly how I feel about you!”  I said,” I can see why you wouldn’t trust me.  I have lied and deceived you so much.  (Read caustic sarcasm.)  That’s projection on your part.  I have uncovered so much deception you are sure that I want vengeance.  But I would never ever want to put that kind of energy out into the world.”  I went on to say that at times I miss him very much, and far be it from me to keep that to myself.”  Not always, today I am fine.  Like the song says, “I ain’t missin’ you at all”.

He wanted to know if I still had my old computer, (so I guess he still reads my blog, because I had not said anything to him about it dying) but we didn’t pursue the conversation, because i was at an appointment.  I wonder why he asked.  I sent him another message asking why he asked.  He probably won’t answer.   Whatever.  It’s now his designated time with the Boop, lol, so I most likely won’t find out why he asked.

I am so not jealous any longer.  I am so glad not to be caught up in that fake relationship crap.  She has no idea.  But that’s her problem.  Whatever story she believes is her issue, and his.  Who would want to pretend to be in a relationship which involves a booty call once a week and no other communication?  Other than “Are we on (for sex) for Saturday?”  I called her his Saturday Night Special.  LOL.  But she’s apparently good with it too, so they keep the other side of the bed warm once a week.  I was never good with that, it was endless problems between us because I wanted more.

Just weird, from my perspective.

Ever since the gong bath, when I realized I need to turn the energy I’ve been expending into myself, and my own journey, I have begun feeling free.  If not for the text about his health, I would have been fine yesterday.  I don’t feel the need to see him again, today.  I will be glad if it stays that way.

Still, my ability to sense his energy reaching out is a little spooky.  I have some ideas on how to deal with it though, in talking to a couple fairly enlightened friends.

Rising, still rising.  Almost straight up today.

For Paris, For Us All

Posted on by learning to live like water

The Great Bell Chant (The End of Suffering)

I keep trying to write something for Paris, but it is too overwhelming for me to have a coherent thought.  I know all our hearts are with the the citizens of Paris, of France, and of humanity, as President Obama said.  We are all connected, nothing affects anyone that doesn’t affect everyone.

Anyone who reads my blogs knows that I am a believer in the power of love.  But here….there was such huge evil intent.  Its inexplicable,

I pray for peace.  I pray for healing. I pray for light to be borne of this darkness.

Making Heartspace

Posted on by learning to live like water

Got my new computer, and partly set up.   So glad to be back on line, but I’m not used to this keyboard yet, lol.

I never heard from S.  I guess he’s not talking to me.  I sent him a last message asking if he’s really never going to talk to me again.  I said, I loved you so much, please don’t do this.

But apparently he’s going to.

I had stop at the store and get cream for coffee in the morning, and I’ve been a little sad all afternoon, once I realized I was checking my email incessantly for a message that wasn’t going to come.  But when I left the store, I had a little heart to heart with myself, and realized that I don’t want to get back with him, I don’t want to have sex with him, I just wanted him to be in my life on some level, maybe because I’m used to having him there.  I will always love him, always miss him, but he’s got to travel his path, whatever it is.  I would have liked to see him once more, just to maybe smooth over some of the really hard parts, and let him go on a positive, or more positive note.  But if it can’t be, it can’t be. He did a lot of damage to me, but I am strong, I’ll be fine.  My door will remain open.  I wish him nothing but love.

I got home, and began to set up my computer, turned on the tv and saw the horrible news from Paris.  So sad, so senseless.  The misery that humans are capable of wreaking on each other is just mind boggling.  Fear and hate.  Just so sad.  My heart goes out to Paris tonight.

I left my phone in another room while I was working on the computer.  When I went to get it, I saw that the man I had kind of expected to talk to last night, had called tonight.  He left a voice mail, and said he’d connect with me over the weekend.  I called him back, and left a short voice mail, so he’d know when I’d be around this weekend.  I liked the energy of his voice at any rate.  It seems that he called within minutes of me coming to terms with the fact that S wasn’t going to respond to my messages, and he’s blocked my phone. I’ve known that holding onto S and A would keep my heart closed to a new man who might be perfect.  I don’t know if this man is it, of course, but i do think that I freed up the energy and the space for the possibility.

Love and light.

Fast Running Water of Choice And Chance

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
This morning I woke happy. The gongs worked their magic. I have done more deep healing with the gongs than any other method.  Vibrational healing is incredible. 

Today, I can say I will always and forever love the child who steers the riverboat. And I will stand by if gets too deep, if he reaches out needing someone to throw him a line to get back to shore.  He will usually say he likes the deep.  There may come a day when he wants to plant his feet on solid ground though. The things he has done that are so wrong, are just that child trying not to get hurt again. They are forgivable. And are forgiven. I can only say I am blessed not to have had the need to protect myself in that way. 

Not saying that my heart will not be open to finding the real thing, aconnection that is rich, and full, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I hope beyond hope to have that before I leave this world. 

But should he reach out I will extend my hand and the part of my heart that is his. 

I guess if I see S a result of my call and voicemail to him, that is what I will want to make sure he knows. If he doesn’t respond, I think he’ll know it anyway. 

I used to say I wanted to be the one person in his life that loved him unconditionally. And while this ordeal has sorely tested that, at the end of the day, I still feel it. I still and always will love him without limit. 

For my ex as well, I would be there,  although the likelihood of him ever acknowledging that he’s in too deep is slim to none. S has a higher consciousness than my ex, in many ways. 

It feels good not to feel so much grief this morning.  I hope this lesson has been learned well, and won’t need repeating. 

Today, first time all week, I really feel like I’m rising strong. 

Synchonicity

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
Tomorrow I will have a new computer. My old one just crapped completely out, like a massive heart attack in an apparently healthy person.  Took less than a minute to go from working fine to not at all. Whatever. 

I just came home from my gong “bath” meditation. I said to my cousin on the way there, “I need to get ahold of myself I need to get s grip.”  I don’t know why this whole thing has been so hard for me.  5 or 6 days ago I felt like something was wrong with S, physically.  I sent him a text saying so, and saying I hoped I was just misreading my own emotions. Today I got 2 single word emails telling me I was right. 

Why do I have this connection with him?  I could get over it, in fact will feel fine about it and then, boom, right between the eyes literally. My third eye picks up some crazy vibration and I am right back in there. Two words today, and no more. He teases me with two words and then will not respond to me. 

Maybe it’s just as well?  Idk. I missed him today. Too much trauma this week. FB. My ex. Letting A go.  Computer dies.  Just can’t deal. If I could just go away and not have it back in my face in a new way every few days I might get over it. 

At the gong bath I went into a really deep meditation. I wanted to just get over, or under, whatever, all of this weight.  Of loving, of caring too much, of sadness, of loneliness, of jealousy. So that was my intention, set before I got there. I asked for help from any spirit that could help me. 

I relived, unintentionally, so many intimate moments with S.   I didn’t cry, it was like holding a strand of precious pearls that made up part of my life.  I was glad to have those memories.  

I did the ho’oponopono for a lot of the time.  While I was doing it, directing it at S and at my ex, I remember a cognitive thought that I should be doing it for myself, because I’m the only one that I know for sure is suffering and needs healing. Both of them may need it, but I don’t know for sure.  I redirected it inward. 

I often during the gong bath get a “chill”. But it’s a chill which starts internally, in my heart or solar plexus chakras,  and radiates outward. It a release. Tonight they were almost non-stop. I was glad I had a warm blanket. I have the blanket always , I get these chills in July just like in November. Only at the gong bath. 

Then after the gong bath was over, people started talking about this island retreat off the coast.  How beautiful and peaceful it was. It is a special place that S took me to about a year ago. Back when he lived in gratitude that he was alive, and shared parts of his life with me. Oddly enough on the way to the gong bath, my cousin had mentioned she might take her family down there during the Thsnksgiving holiday break. And my book club had just asked if we could look into weekend retreats there, so earlier in the week I had been researching it.  And today, after the very limited contact with S, I was imagining asking him to meet me there. Because I missed him, and the energy there would be conducive to talking. 

Anyway, none of this was known to my friends who put on the gong baths. She just mentioned it might be a nice venue to hold one at, outdoors. And she was going to look into it. Often when I have gone into a deep meditation during the gongs, the conversation following the gongs drifts to exactly what has been on my mind.  And it has been popping up in so many conversations.  A lot of validation of my thoughts. 

I think there’s a reason.  

On the way home I just listened to my gut, to my heart.  Intently. Not trying to weigh the right or wrong of it, but just, did I feel it, did it feel right in my gut or did it make me shake and cry. 

I called S, his phone went right to voice mail. I don’t think I’m blocked, he often just shuts it off now that we aren’t talking til we go to bed.  Because he and BB don’t talk. I left him a voice mail, asking if he wanted to meet me there sometime. I told him about the clear signs I’d gotten. 

So, I don’t know if I’ll hear from him or not. I’d like to think I will, that he maybe misses me too. That we maybe have some unfinished business that keeps us both holding on. At least I know I do.

Interesting night.  I’m going to bed now, after writing this whole thing on my phone.  I did actually feel better after the gongs though, so I think all those chills were release of a lot emotion around S.  

Love and light.