Truth, Wounds, Scars

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m at work now, using my computer there.  This will have to be quick, lol.

I was hoping that the blog I had written but not finished might have been saved by WP, because sometimes when i have inadvertently lost it by flipping a page or some other weird malfunction of cyberspace, it shows back up in the form of a message that I had a blog started, do I want to restore it.

But no, of course not, this time.

I wrote that A has been backing off since I told him not to come.  While he was ok on Tuesday after I told him, yesterday I barely heard from him, though at night I did get my normal “Goodnight sweetie” with some hearts.  I know he is having to face the fact that there is no future for us, and I won’t press him, I’ll just be here when and if he wants to talk about it.  I did hear from him this morning a bit…but not as much as usual, and with much less emotion.  It’s all good.  I couldn’t have led him on, who can live with that kind of stress.  If I don’t feel it I can’t do it.  Simple.

Much better not to lead him down a path to believe there’s something there, as happened to me with S.  No devastation.  Hard truth, but the pain is so much easier to bear, when the truth is known up front.

I realized too, that what has hurt me the most about the unknown FB account, was not just the lies and deception about having it at all, and realizing that he has been in contact with BB for a long time, but just as much if not more, because I realized that there are people that he lets into his life fully, that knew about and could comment on his FB page.  Here was the pic of his friend, and BB could comment on it, and I was the one who ran to his side when his friend died, and was excluded.  I was always excluded, it was always a problem for me, not to know anyone, to be his secret. When he got a phone call and I was in the car he might say I’m not alone, he never said, I’m here with Deb.  Because no one knew about me.

Just opened another wound up a little.  It’s probably why I’ve been hurting all week.  To love someone so much and have it shoved in my face, again, that I was just on the periphery of their life.  Never to mean really anything.

So, I am healing, once again.  I have a gong bath tonight, and some events this weekend that will help.  One of these days all the wounds will be healed, scarred over enough that they can’t be reopened.

Still rising…..

Computer Died. 

Posted on by learning to live like water

I wrote a whole blog. I set the computer down to get another cup of coffee and came back. Picked up the computer and it was off. And won’t go back on. There are no lights, not even the AC charging light. The lap top is 5 years old but has never given me one problem. I will take it to work and see if one of the IT guys can tell me if it’s dead for good. 

Not going to rewrite the whole blog on my phone. Another problem I didn’t want. But I need to get it on, it’s not all backed up. Although a lot of it might be on my iCloud account. Idk. 

Damn.  

And the cream, which had a date of December 23 on it, curdled in my coffee.  The first cup was fine. Same pot of coffee. Same cream. 

And then I took my glasses off to set them down (they are just cheap readers) and the frame broke. 

What else is gonna happen?

Geezus. 

Southern Cross

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
My heart has felt like a broken shell this week. First dashed upon the rocks, by the great waves of lies and deceit that I faced,  when it was already cracked. Then the pieces were pummeled into the sand, as the depths of what had happened sank into my psyche. 

I feel like I’m back on the breakup diet, it makes me feel a little sick. Not just the lies and deceit, but the silence. Not an “I’m sorry. ”  Not an acknowledgment of pain piled on top of endless pain that I never deserved.  Not a kind word or gesture.  As if I was just trivial. As if any woman wouldn’t have been furious to have been so deceived. Yet still…

Also the letting go of A, who has been my rock through all of this.  

I’ve been feeling so alone. 

Today I got a message from a man whose profile I have disregarded.  Didn’t like his pic. Shallow…I know. He’s visited my profile something like 20 times. I read his profile for the first time, and I liked it!  He seems quite outside the box, and loves the water.  And I liked his other pictures too.  

So I answered him. 

And I think another man is going to call tonight. 

A third man “liked” everyone of my pictures, and messaged me. I answered him too. 

I’m reading in my book that when the hard lessons are learned, we can be open to the joy we seek. 

I guess I’ll always miss S, the one I thought he was. But maybe, just maybe, the universe is putting people in my path that will make me forget how much I loved him, even though I know full well that I loved a made- up character in an exclusive play, that only he had the script to.   Like the Steven Stills song “Southern Cross” – “somebody fine gonna come along, make me forget about loving you.” 

Maybe what I’ve been asking for is knocking on my door. I’ll find out, but it just makes me think there’s a light at the end of the dark tunnel I’ve been in for so long.  

I can almost see it. 😊 

Spinning Wheel Spins

Posted on by learning to live like water

Spinning wheel

spinning the thread that is my life.

Longer with every passing moment.

Imperfections in the thread

Mark the changes.

Marriage

Children

Divorce

Relationships

Directions

Falling

Rising

Only I know the whole story.

But if you show up in my life

I will share it with you.

If you show up in my life,

And share yours with me.

Let the spinning wheel spin.

New Moon

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for New Moon

Tomorrow is the new moon.  The day of the month that the dark side of the moon faces the earth.  It is a time to set intentions about what you want to bring into your life.  It’s a time to be introspective, and commit to a new vision.

I am thinking about my intention.  Where do I go from here?  There is no S, only a friendship with A.  With my ex there is just the old stand-off.  I have a good life, all in all. But Ive taken a set back in the recent months.  I have been writing obsessively, trying to get back on my feet.

Inexplicably, I still miss S from time to time.  The S I knew, the one that really never was. I guess for about 6 months he was this guy, because he was consistently this guy, day in and day out.  Then the man just disappeared, he morphed into the old S, the one I never knew that I only heard stories about. The guy I loved was so cool.  But, he was my fantasy.  It was fun to live while I lived it.  When it crashed and burned it almost killed me though.

A….God, he is the sweetest man I’ve ever met.  He is all about me, all the time, but there are some things, that don’t bother me from 2000 miles away, that would bother me day to day.  Still…I was so loathe to hurt him today.  He told me he was “giddy” at the thought of spending 2 weeks with me.  There are times when I really want to “rest in his love” as he put it…but it just feels dishonest.  I can’t reciprocate that kind of love.

Back to my intentions.

  1. To stop obsessing about any of these men. Wasting a lot of energy on it, and there is nothing workable there.
  2. Open my sacral chakra back up.  It’s been closed since S has been out of my life.  It is where our sexuality is centered, but also, where our creativity is.  I’m going to work on opening my creativity back up.  Put that energy that I’ve been stifling because it made me miss him so much, into something productive, and beautiful.  Something that is uniquely me.
  3. To stop beating myself up as not good enough.  Rejection is so hard to take, when you’ve given all you have and then some.   I’ve been working on this, but I still find myself going there occasionally.  I suppose time and distance will help to resolve those emotions. But so will setting an intention on the New Moon.
  4. To begin open my heart to allowing in someone new, someone who wants what I want, can make me laugh but not cry, and love passionately. I’m a little afraid, really….to put myself out there at the moment.  So, one of my intentions will be to let go the fear that comes from hitting the floor so hard.

I have had a lump in my throat all day, since I talked to my ex this morning.  Not because I loved him or wanted him, but to see what he’s done to his life is just so sad.  Then I think about S, and how much he’s like my ex, and what he’s doing to his life with all the lies and deceit that are so unnecessary.  Especially with me.  I was like the girl in Jerry Maguire “You had me at hello.”  He didn’t need to hide or embellish.  He was so lovable just as he was.  But then, no one really knows him, so I can only say I loved that man that I knew.  I think I knew the most honest version of him that anyone did.  But that man’s gone now, so I let my love for him go with him, out into the universe.

Anyway, new moon. New intentions.  I have a first phone call with a seemingly nice man tomorrow night.  I hope he isn’t boring! He doesn’t seem so in his messages.  Seems willing to jump into the arena and be seen.

Maybe the new moon is a good time for that first phone call.

Extending Myself, Or Giving Myself Away?

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
This morning, since I had given my ex some thought in my previous post, on my way to work I called him, just to say hi. The exchange was short. I told him I was just calling to see how he was doing. He said, as  always “it’s one day at a time..” I asked him about the business because I’d seen it closed. He said “it’s all gone Deb. Everything. ” I said, “it can be an opportunity to start something new…”  He said “that’s what I’m trying to do. ” 

Though, I know he’s not.  I know him too well.  And I could tell, his statement about it all being gone was meant to convey that it was my fault, for leaving him. He’s never been accountable to himself for his alcoholism or his extreme abuse of my son and I.  

Still…I’m ok, I want to extend myself to him. 

He sounded so lost. With no direction. And no one in his life. It’s been his choice, but it made me so sad. I had to say goodbye before I started crying. He thanked me for thinking of him. 

I hung up and just cried half the way to work. Such a once vibrant, smart man, so defeated by himself and his choices. I have known him 42 years. 

I don’t know if I did the right thing. I just thought, “put your money where your mouth is, and extend yourself to those that most need it. Look past your own pain, because you have a good life.  You have people, you have a home, a job, a life. ”

But now I feel unsettled. Like I let some dark energy into my life. Need to do a cleanse I think. 

I also texted A this morning. As always he made it easy on me, but I know he’s so disappointed. He avoided the hard conversation, which was what I wanted but didn’t press it. I told him I love him very much but I’m not in love with him, so I think we should just let it go. 

God… I still feel bad but it would have been a disaster for him to fly out here with some expectation. I just can’t do that, lead someone on. So while I’m relieved, I’m probably ly feeling some loss too. 

I need to get out of this funk. Lots of negative energy in my life this week, and it’s taking its toll on me. Need to hang out with my girlfriends I think, have a drink, relax and count my blessings. 

Waking Up With a Heavy Heart

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke up this morning, sure I don’t want A to come here.  Now I have to tell him. Not looking forward to that.  He is so sweet, he will be so hurt.  But everything in me is saying no….

Now that he wants to come for 2 weeks, he will be disappointed with less, and I realize that while I love and appreciate him so much, I am not in love with him.  I can’t pretend that for 1 day, let alone 5 days, or 2 weeks.  I don’t act, I can’t lie.  So, I’ll have to deal with that soon. Whenever I have an unpleasant task to do, I need to do it, as quickly as possible.  It weighs on me not to.  I wish I could match his affection for me.  He so deserves it.  But I don’t, I can’t, I’ve known him long enough to know that it’s not happening for me.

I was thinking about my ex and S, how similar they are, that they so don’t believe that they are worthy of love and belonging, that they fabricate a whole world to manipulate people into their lives.  I can’t imagine having to wake up every day and have to face that.  I mean, to the point that the whole world is skewed, that they believe the people who really do love them are trying to get something from them.  They look with disdain on the people who just love them, because those people innocently believed the carefully crafted lies that have been woven to make themselves acceptable to others.

I feel full of love and compassion for those two men this morning.  If they could just see that they are lovable.  In my ex’s case, he hides from the world.  His cousin in Florida called me the other night, to get his phone number because she wanted to check on him.  She doesn’t understand him.  I tried to explain that he doesn’t want to be known, he wouldn’t even tell me where he was living. I found out from my old next door neighbor that he is renting the cottage right next door to the house he lived in for 40 years.  But the cousin just doesn’t understand that he’s alone out of choice.

S…still wants to draw people into his life, but with lies and deception.  He doesn’t believe anyone can really love him the way I did…just because he is.  He thinks, as my ex does, that if you love someone that way you are just stupid, naive. I always said I saw him, I have told him that since forever.  I still see  him.  I still see that soul inside of him that just wants to be loved, but he’s crafted so many lies and such deception, and so convinced himself that love is not real….he also crafts a world in which he is alone, and no one really knows him.  And if someone does…like me….he runs away from them.  Afraid they will destroy the false world he’s put together. Both men believe they have to be separate to protect themselves, when the truth is we are all connected.

I have not heard a word out of S, in over a week.  I imagine that he was thinking he was punishing me, but now he is probably feeling a lot of shame at having been found out.  When I left him a voice mail, I tried to convey that I am not judging him, I see him, I know why he’s done what he’s done.  I feel sorry for him, is all, that he believes the only way he can keep people in his life is to craft a fake self that he thinks is more lovable than his true self.  Just so sad.

It’s not my job to teach either one of these men.  It is my job, when and if I ever interact with them, to extend love and compassion as much as possible.

Too much heavy crap on my mind this morning. I’m going to deal with A today somehow.  And then forget about the mess that S and my ex have created for themselves, and be grateful for all the blessings I have.

Answers, and More Questions

Posted on by learning to live like water

I don’t know what to do.

After all the stupid bs with S in the last 12 hours, I needed to put it to rest and focus on my own life.  I was afraid he was going to so freak out that he’d show up at my house, with his eyes glazed over or something.  (Not that I’ve ever seen him like that, but he’s got a temper and he used to just withdraw when he lost it, because, he said, “people get hurt when I get mad.”)  So in an effort to avoid another ugly scene, I called and left him a voice mail, trying to reassure him I had no interest in communicating with Betty Boop.  But if he needed to talk to me about it, to reassure himself, then to leave me a voice mail and I’d call him back. I have not heard so I guess he’s ok with it.  I hope.

That’s the end of it for me.  I got my answers, finally, as to what happened to our relationship, and now I can leave it in peace.  What goes on between the two of them, whatever happens, I want it to be a result of the way they treat and respect and care for each other, I want nothing to do with it. It’s so far from anything I’d even dream of, I can leave it behind me without another thought.

When I got home, it was already late, and I’d promised A I would call so we could discuss him coming here for Christmas.  I had a headache from work which is insanely busy as I cover two desks, and from the ridiculous situation with S.  It all gave me a massive headache.

I don’t want to talk to A about the S situation.  It’s too stupid and sick to even tell someone.  I think he is sick to death of hearing about S, as am I, but the guy keeps popping into my life from the sidelines.  So I didn’t tell A about the dream, or about all the lies I uncovered today, because it’s all irrelevant to anything except giving me the answers I wanted.  Well, it was relevant I guess, because it distracted me.  I don’t feel I can talk to  him about it, bottom line.

I thought A was going camping until Dec. 29 and he could come here the next day and stay until I went back to work, the 5th.  He got so excited, that without discussing it, he canceled his camping plans and now wants to come for 2 weeks.  And that terrifies me, I would like 5 or 6 days, but 2 weeks?  I don’t want to live with him….I really care for him, and it will hurt him if I don’t want it.  I don’t want to hurt him, but man he’s always jumping ahead of me.

Before I called him, I sat in silence, and did about a 10 minute self-reiki session.  Trying to unblock myself, trying to be able to hear what my intuition is telling me.  My third eye chakra was friggin pulsing.  My heart felt blocked.  I think that even though I was over S before I even found them out, to discover the huge mass of lies just made my heart chakra close up a little.  Or a lot.  I don’t know.

So A and I talked.  He’s flying across the country, he wants to stay for a while.  While I get that, I’m not ready for it.  I don’t want company for that long, I am so independent, I am not ready for him to move in here, with no options to stay anywhere else.  He wants us to see how we are for the long haul, I want to spend 2 weeks together when I know already that I want it.

I told A I needed to run it by my son, because he lives here, and I think he deserves a say in it.  My son’s reaction was like mine, 2 weeks?  That’s a long time.

When I hung up, I felt pressured.  I told him he always jumps in and gets so far ahead of where I am.  This is all why I don’t think a long distance relationship will work for me.  It has to grow on me, I can’t force it.  I’m afraid A has grown on me as much as he’s going to.  And I know he’s so in love with me.  I’m trying really, I’ve always tried.

I asked him to let it roll around my head for another day or two. Maybe I’m just worn out. I don’t think that’s it.  I just don’t have the energy to have to pull in the reins on him,constantly.  Not when I’ve just gotten my hands burned letting them go with S. I just need to be alone I think.  Even though I’m sick of being alone.

I guess I already know what the answer is. It’s gonna break his heart.

Too Pathetic to Even Be Mad About 

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been so angry about all the lies now for 12 hours!!   If he would have been honest we could have remained friends. Why did he so feel the need to lie to me?  Because he could?  Anyone can lie, anyone can throw shit at the wall and see what sticks. 

He made me feel bad a few times because I am overweight about 15-20 lbs. I saw her picture, she looks heavier than me and older and her hair is a wreck.  I don’t care,  not gloating, just his comments made me perceive differently. I am sure he’s been feeding her as many lies as he fed me. 

He either disabled his FB page or blocked me but this morning it shows no one of that name. Who cares, I just wanted to see how he’d react.  He can’t tell the rest of his family or her without coming clean why. Lol. But my curiosity is sated. I don’t need to know more. 

It was all good, to be able to piece together the truth.  In the end, I don’t feel any different than I did. He’s a sad sorry man, who believes he’s unworthy of love and belonging and so he lies to manipulate people into his life.  So unnecessary. He’d still have me as a friend if he hadn’t lied so much.  But how can you be friends with anyone who breaks your trust over and over?  Can’t. 

Betty will figure it out again. It’s no wonder S worried about his karma all the time. But never did anything to improve it. Lol. Phony. 

In the end, he’s his own worst enemy. I feel so sorry for him.  He’s probably scared to death that I know who she is and could have access. But I won’t. I would never waste my time diddling with such a dark lost cause. Anyway, it’s not my business anymore. It’s his and hers.  Just because I know he’s gonna cheat on her and devastate her, doesn’t change that. I’m sure she’s been there before with him, and she’s back for more.  

Funny tho. I thought it would be him who was hurt. But I can see that she had no clue.  I feel sorry for her, she’s been buying into his lies for so long. I have no animosity at all. She has kids and grandkids and has no idea that he would have been bedding me within hours if her leaving.  Poor woman.  

I think I’m done with even being mad about it. I mean…once someone has lied, they’ve lied. Additional lies don’t make that worse. Shocking maybe, but I shouldn’t have been shocked.  

There’s still the unconditional love thing going on. He’s so pathetic, who could possibly need it more? 

But he’ll have to draw on it energetically because as a human, I am so done and so over it and dislike who he is so much, it blows my mind.