Pleasurable Options

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was so angry last night, to find out that the deception was far beyond what I had believed.  The difference is,I wasn’t hurt by it.  This weekend, after I had that moment and sent him an innocuous email, I really haven’t missed him at all, haven’t wanted to be with him, could think about him with no emotion.  So I suppose the universe decided it was a good time for me to get the whole truth.  I hate a liar.  I mean really hate them. My ex was pathological, and S…he is maybe too.  He apparently loves to be manipulating peoples emotions.  He’s worse, really.  My ex would manipulate situations.  He never tried to manipulate my emotions about him.  Whatever.  S is a scumbag asshole, he and Betty Boop can live in their deceptive bliss.  It is so tempting, now that I know her name and could easily get her address, to consider disabusing her of her ignorant bliss.  But I think it’s more effective to let karma play it out.  I just want to get distance from that whole sordid ridiculous childish bullshit.  I could stir the pot, I could cause massive problems.  But it’s not me.  Let him play his games with her, he’ll get found out, and I’m pretty sure she likes the games or is dumber than me, if she doesn’t see what he’s up to.

A texted me last night, at about 10.  I’m usually going to bed, but I was so angry I stayed up and talked to him.  I didn’t tell him about it, but just talking to him calmed me down.  We stopped talking about me going there, but began a conversation about him coming here over Christmas-New Years.  IDK.  I am so conflicted.  But thinking that I’ve never had a bad moment with him, he has been instrumental in my healing from the scumbag.  Maybe I should give us a chance.  He’s loving, and kind, and sweet.  Now that I’m really free of S maybe I should give it a chance to see what’s there.

So, life goes on.  I feel good this morning.  To be free, to have a kind wonderful man in my life who loves me, and the possibility of something.  At least, options that give me nothing but pleasure.

FB Shocker, a Complete Story of S’s Betrayal

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a shocker tonight.  S always said that he didn’t have a FB account, that his employer didn’t allow it, or want it.  I believed him, why not?  I never checked, but tonight, just fooling around, I found him easily. And his girlfriend.  Wow….just another punch to the stomach on how stupid I am, or was, how easily I believed him.  I mean wow, that must have been so much fun, it must have felt so cool to deceive me.  Like it was so hard…like I didn’t love and adore him. \

Your specialty S.  Lies and deception.  How is it even any fun, when it was so easy with me?  When you said there was no challenge with me, I didn’t realize you meant there wasn’t any challenge in deceiving me, in wrapping me up in your lies.  I thought it was because I made sure you knew who I was, and you didn’t have to work at it to find out.

I sent him a friend request.  LOL.

It is very tempting to bring her out of her “ignorant bliss”.  I have all the texts from the week before he dumped me in the trash.  I wonder if she’d like to read them?  He always said she said if he cheated on her that was it.  He freaked out that day when I said I was going to make sure she knew what he was doing all week with me. God it’s tempting.  Really tempting.  He would call me vindictive.  Yeah.  Exactly.  He totally deserves it, and more.

I’m not really interested in further engaging him, (well ok I just sent him a hateful text, well deserved.  But he’s blocked and cannot answer it.) nor am I interested in getting her up-to-date.  Any woman who would do what she did deserves what she gets.  If, and it’s a big if, what he told me about her was true.  I have a feeling the truth was bent and stretched, and that he’s been trying to get her to leave her husband all summer.  In fact, I’m positive he was seeing her all summer.  It’s why I didn’t see him. He wanted to keep us both.  But she didn’t know about me, or at least, not the truth.  She commented on a post he made about his friend dyning back in April.  That’s when their communication started up again, that’s why he began pushing me away then. Not because he was broken up over his friends passing, but because she was back in his life. Here I was running to his side worried about him.   Asshole.  It all makes sense now, but dang, I am really just so stupid.  I am glad though, to have clarity on who he is, what he was doing, and what happened to me.

As I said, I would prefer to just get as far the fuck away from those two low lifes as possible.  She has a dragon fly as her profile picture.  Maybe that’s why I saw one the other day, to warn me.  She’s about a spiritual as the prison whore. Dragonfly my ass.  Greenhead fly, the kind that bites your ass and leaves a bruise.  Whore. Bitch. User.

It kind of makes me sick, to think I was intimate with him, while he was seeing her.  Slimy, like I was with a slimy slug.  Real creepy.  I’m lucky I didn’t get a disease.

Deceitful.  Sick.  Liar.  Liar liar.  I wish his pants could be set on fire.

A week ago he was trying to convince me that he cared for me.  Geezus, I’d hate to see what he’d have done if he didn’t care for me.

Not that it matters now.  I am over him, I’m over our non-fake-self-serving-him relationship, and if I wasn’t quite over it before, to find out he deceived me in this way would have done it anyway.  I mean, why?  But why, is the question with anything he does.  It is all self serving, and designed to make him feel important.  It’s the sign of  someone who has no self esteem whatsoever, and steals it from who ever is stupid enough, or loves him enough, to give it to him.

He’s gonna be nervous now, that I’m going to tell her what he’s been up to with me.  Let him sweat it out.  It would be good for him.  He hated that I was on here, speaking my truth.  Said I was “trashing” him all over the internet.  My God, he deserved 1000 times worse than I ever said about him.  He is the epitome of a filthy dirtbag.  I didn’t know.  He’s a good actor.

God, what a scumbag.

Anyway, I had a lovely day.  I was at my BFF’s for awhile, watching movies and hanging out.  I am waiting for A to get home from working on his house, he wanted to talk to me tonight.  I got a lot done around the house, and did some cooking for this week. I’ve been having a nice conversation with a seemingly nice man, who has family and grandkids, and seems happy to share himself.

Soon, S will just be a pimple on the ass of my memory.  That’s all.  My belief in unconditional love is being sorely tested at the moment.  Can I stay with it?  I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.

MANIFESTO OF THE BRAVE AND BROKENHEARTED

Posted on by learning to live like water

Brene Brown ended her interview with Oprah with this manifesto, which is at the end of her book, Rising Strong.  I know that there are many of us who have just gone through this, many more that have gone through it at some point, and many more who will.  So, I googled it, and thought I’d share it here.  Because I feel like I have finally risen from the floor of the arena, and I’m ready to go in again.

MANIFESTO OF THE BRAVE
AND BROKENHEARTED
There is no greater threat to the critics
and cynics and fearmongers
Than those of us who are willing to fall
Because we have learned how to rise.
~~~~~~
With skinned knees and bruised hearts;
We choose owning our stories of struggle,
Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.
~~~~~~
When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we run from struggle, we are never free.
So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.
~~~~~~
We will not be characters in our stories.
Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.
~~~~~~~
We are the authors of our lives.
We write our own daring endings.
~~~~~~
We craft love from heartbreak,
Compassion from shame,
Grace from disappointment,
Courage from failure.
~~~~~~
Showing up is our power.
Story is our way home. Truth is our song.
We are the brave and brokenhearted.
We are rising strong

It’s a Good Day 😄

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m having a good day. I am nowhere near the danger zone, for a pleasant change.  Got showered, and shaved, got my floors cleaned, watched Brene Brown in SuperSoulSunday, again. Made some buffalo chicken meatballs, and soon I’m going to my bff’s to just hang out and watch a movie. My son will be home for dinner.  It’s all good. 

Watching Brene again was so good for me. I was able to kind of gauge how far I’ve come since I first saw her the day after S dumped me. I got all different things from the interview today, partially because I’ve read the book. Partially because I’ve been doing the work necessary to get distance and perspective. The first time I just cried through it. I had her book on my kindle before the show was over. I knew I needed some help if I was going to “rise strong”. 

One of the mist important things I got this time was “for forgiveness to take place, something must die.”  

I couldn’t conceive of this the day after I was betrayed, of any part of it dying. I was holding on to it for dear life, like a runaway toboggan going downhill. 

Now I’ve realized that the intensity and passion with S has to die, for me to let go. Not the love, but the passion and intensity.  So, that’s where I am.  In the process of forgiving, letting go, opening my heart back up to the possibility of experiencing the passion and intensity with someone else.  It doesn’t feel like dread any more, it feels brave, and strong. I am excited to see what comes my way. 

I have not talked to A about visiting him again. It’s the elephant in the room. I have made up my mind that we won’t see each other. Not because I wouldn’t enjoy it, but holding on to it is like putting up an obstacle course for what j really want. I am so afraid to hurt him, yet he can’t really want it either, to be tied into a long distance committed relationship.  But right now, I’m not sure it wouldn’t hurt him, so in avoiding it. 

Life is good. I am happy today. And pleased that the day is going by easily. No waves rocking my boat. Just ripples calming my soul. 

Blessings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Blessings for today:

  1. I had long conversations with 3 really good friends.
  2. I walked for 3 miles with one of them.
  3. My son got a lot of the leaves raked.
  4. It was warm for November.
  5. I wrote. (and wrote and wrote)
  6. I have clean sheets waiting on my bed tonight.
  7. A sent me pics of the inside of his new house.
  8. He shares his ideas on what he’s going to do with it, and likes my opinion.
  9. He says “Good morning sweetie.”  He means it.
  10. I have a lovely home.
  11. I have enough money to fill my fridge.
  12. I ran into an old neighbor.
  13. I broke the NC with an email, but I didn’t unblock him.  So, I limited the damage I did.
  14. I didn’t deny what I felt, and now I don’t feel it.
  15. My son told me he bought his ticket for opening day at IMAX for the new Star Wars movie, and then offered to buy me a ticket to go with him. 🙂  And said he thought it would be fun!
  16. My sis sent a pic of my mom at a little beach they go to.  She looks so happy, eating her favorite sandwich that my sis made for her.  (She’s 94, had a massive stroke, and can’t speak.)
  17. At the end of the day, I can still love without fear.

I’m a lucky woman.

Trying to Honor Myself

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ok.  So this weekend I didn’t make it through Saturday. I sent  him a email, I didn’t unblock him. A quick, short one.  I was worried about a medical problem he has, I don’t know if I made it up, or not.  Probably, an excuse to contact him.    He’s not answered. He’s with her.  He won’t answer until she’s gone or he’s home. If at all.  Probably better if he doesn’t.  I’d have to let go a little more.

I missed him something fierce this morning.  This afternoon, I’m better.  It’s all probably because I’m so tired.

Maybe I’ll make it through Sunday.  Who knows?

I walked with my ex’s cousin this morning, maybe 3 miles.  I talked about my lesson, from S.  I said, “I think it was the other part of unconditional love.  That we have to extend it to ourselves, first.  Not everyone will be open to the concept.  That’s their journey.”

Her response was, “I hate it when people say to love yourself, and people pretend that they are just awesome because they love themselves, so nothing bothers them.”

I expected that at some point S would find it irresistible, to be loved so limitlessly.  But he didn’t want to be loved at all.  He didn’t want the responsibility, he didn’t want to give of himself that way.  I don’t believe he loves her.  Not when he was asking me to come see him the minute she left last week. He’s using her, she’s blissfully ignorant of what he’s up to (thus my poem “Not Ignorant Bliss.)  in my profound belief in the power o unconditional love, I loved him anyway.  I still love him anyway.

What I realized is that loving yourself unconditionally doesn’t mean pretending everything is wonderful, that you are so great, that you are impervious to hurt.  I realized that loving yourself means that when you hurt, you honor that hurt.  When you are angry, you honor that.  When you are in love, you honor that.  Even if you are in love with someone who can’t or won’t for any reason, love you back.  If you miss someone, then miss them. If you are lonely, be lonely.  Honor it.  Honor what you feel.  Don’t run from it.

Sit with it.  Allow it.  It’s human, we are human.  We are spiritual beings, having a human experience.  So experience it, the whole human perspective.  That’s the lesson.  I had to have unbearable pain to learn this.  I had to love  someone beyond reason and limit to learn this.  I had to miss someone so much, that it still can render me almost senseless, to learn this.

I thought I knew it.  I even wrote a blog about it, a long time ago.  But I didn’t know it, until I experienced this, to this degree.  Knowing it, will help me heal.  Because you don’t sit with it once, and it’s over.  You sit with it in waves, some huge rogue waves, some just momentary swells.  Some of them knock you down, and leave you gasping for air.  Some of them just make you wobbly on your feet for a moment.

There’s no rule.  They comes as they come.

Take them as they come, and honor each one, and live through it, and realize how strong you are, because you did.

Listen to me preaching.  It’s hard, it’s fucking hard.  But there are no real options, except to honor it, and get through it.  And so we, the broken-hearted, continue in our quest to find a way through it, so we can one day love again.

Settling Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sunrise 11-07-15

Sunrise from my deck

Feeling peaceful this morning.  It was week full of turmoil, but has ended ahead of where it started, emotionally.  It started with me missing S last Sunday, and making the mistake of telling him.  It opened the door to him telling me to come see him then, the minute she walked out his door. Which led to raw emotions, again, and to ugliness between us.  It led to me having to cut him off completely in order to move forward.  Which led to the dream (I don’t know what else to call it, but it was way more than a dream)….which freaked me out, but then made me realize that I had let him go, energetically, that I could do it at my most vulnerable.  Not saying it wasn’t hard, and didn’t hurt, but I did it, for me.

I was so concerned with the lesson.  I think it was the balance of the Unconditional Love lesson, that we have to extend that love to ourselves, first.  We have to be strong enough to let go of those things that hurt us, that no longer serve us, even if we love them.

So, now I follow my own advice for the moment and will go where the love is.  Which leads me to some peace this morning, starting with the beautiful sunrise. Peaceful in the sense that I can think things through, without angst.

A and I will talk this weekend about Christmas break this weekend.  He wanted to last night but it was too late for me, I was too tired.  It deserves more attention than that.  I am conflicted, to say the least.  I would rather he came here, he might be open to it, because his house is getting gutted, and there’s a good chance it won’t be done by then anyway.  I’m still uncertain about the long term implications, but I think that I need to just let what happens happen.  I love him enough to spend 5 days with him.  I know he won’t make me sorry.  My only issue is guilt that I don’t feel the same about him as he does me, but I’m not that far off.  I think it’s the distance that keeps me from engaging my heart more.  But I’m not even sure about that.

Am I just being lazy, accepting what is here, in front of me, offering me unconditional love, but without the passion that I crave?  Am I just being impatient?  Is it just that my defenses are down?  I love the relationship I have with him at the moment, would I ruin that with expectation on his part if I do this? Because I don’t want to commit to a long distance relationship… And I don’t want the perception of friends with benefits, because we are way more than friends, we have been lovers in the past…

God I don’t know. Sometimes I think I should just be celibate until I find the passion I crave.

I hope the psychic calls me back today.

The weekends have been so hard for me since S dumped me so easily.  Last weekend I made it til Sunday morning. I hope I can get through Sunday this week, without being hit by a rogue wave.  Even if I get knocked down, I won’t reach out…I’m sure of that.  He is growing fainter in my psyche.  I ignore his messages, the ones I feel, (there aren’t any others) more easily now, they are always the same. And only lead to more pain.

I am beginning to feel that he stopped reading my blog, I’m hoping. But I’ve thought that before, and was surprised to find out he still read them.  It doesn’t really matter, I don’t have to deal with his emotions over them, unless he visits me in a dream again.

Just thoughts, emotions settling out.  Time to get the day underway.

Love and light.