Half-Moon Light

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for Half Moon light

Half-moon light.

That pale white light

Illuminating the otherwise dark of night.

Pours through my skylight,

Lighting up my room

So I am not afraid of the dark anymore.

So many nights,

I lay in fear of the darkness.

It allowed in all the memories I tried to forget.

This moon, this half moon light

relegates those old memories to a past life.

They are like an old dream,

An old movie.

Just a fantasy

Never based in truth.

The moonlight allows me the freedom

To see things as they are.

Real.  Good.

Free.

Return to Happiness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy.  I bet it’s been months since I felt happy.  Just happy with myself.  Happy with my life.  Happy to be independent.  Happy to have so many good friends.  Happy that I can stand up and be counted.

I got so much done today, the cleaning frenzy continued until 5 PM, when I quit and was exhausted. So now I’m on the couch, on my second glass of cabernet, watching Sex and the City.

I will wait til I move to Florida I think, to do any serious dating.   Really, I need the time to myself.   It seems stupid to get involved if I am moving.  And God, I can’t wait to move.  I’d do it tomorrow if I didn’t have a house to sell.  Ready for palm trees and beaches that never close, warm water, tropical breezes and family and friends, no more winter and no more drama.

I will miss my friends, but they all say, “Go!  We need a free place to stay there….”  And have made it clear they will reciprocate in the summer.  So it’s the best of both worlds.

I’ve not had any energetic spikes that I can’t identify since yesterday morning.  That’s been a huge relief, to know I got the help I asked for. Every second, farther down the path of my own life.  My solar plexus and sacral chakras are fine.  Nothing stirring them up.

I’m thinking there’s someone there for me.  Someone who loves to laugh, and play and only needs one woman in his life.  Especially at this age.  I think that most people, when they get into their 60’s, are done with the games. I know I am.

I always eat at Whole Foods before the gong bath.  Their pizza rocks.  I also always load up on dark chocolate there, they have so many different kinds!  So tonight I have my choice of 85% dark, dark with crystallized ginger (my all time favorite), dark lemon ginger (which is awesome) and dark chocolate with sea salt.  Should last me a couple weeks.

Life is good.     Been a long time since I could say that.  I’m free, with wine, and good chocolate, phone calls with good friends.  Yes, life is good.  Been a long long time since I could say that.

Clean House, Clean Head

Posted on by learning to live like water

Taking a break from cleaning my house.  Doing the first thorough cleaning since the break-up 7 weeks ago  I just couldn’t seem to feel it.  I did basics, but today, I cleaned all the bathrooms, really the upstairs.  My son’s bathroom was a challenge, lol, but I got through it.

I feel like I’m cleaning out my head while I’m doing it.  I realized the coaster for a glass was still on S’s side of my bed.  Put that one away!  Put the prism light he gave me for my night stand away, where I won’t see it.  When I rediscover it, I can decide if I keep it or pitch it.

Reclaiming my life.  Vacuuming the cobwebs out of the corners, scrubbing the floors, getting all that old crud washed away.

My BFF called me this morning.  I had not told her of the drama.  She said, “I said a long time ago, How do you know anything he’s told you is the truth?” I said, laughing, “I KNOW!!!  OMG, your voice has been in my head all week!”

Because she never even met him, but knew he was lying.  She was quite proud of me though, that I stood in my truth, and did the right thing.  We had a few good laughs.  But she also knows the seriousness of it.  She has been the shoulder I was crying on for over a month.  She’s just glad I finally have the truth in front of me, that it didn’t re-break me, and that I dealt with it like an adult, and let it go.

She has not understood why I stayed with him anyway.  He made me cry so much, he did the prison whore, and I still took him back.

There was a time, this fall, when I asked her to go somewhere with me, she said, “ok, but we’re not talking about Scott.”  LOL.  There was always some drama cooking with him.

And no wonder, lol.  He was trying to hold the thing together.  I was demanding more of his time, and was cutting him off because he wouldn’t give it.  It actually was making him really angry at me, that when he wanted to come for a “nice afternoon”, or after work, more and more often I said, “No.  If you don’t want to come when we can spend some real time together then don’t come.  Let me go.”  But he wouldn’t do that either.

Well, he has now, lol.

Clean house, clean head.  No more BS.

 

 

Just Some Retrospective Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I texted with A till 11:30 last night. He is good for my soul, he loves me so purely. It was soothing after this crazy week.  I told him about the new treachery of the week. How it didn’t cause new heartbreak, but that the sheer volume of the lies and betrayal just  overloaded my ability to cope with it.

He asked if my heart was closed. Yes, until I can figure out how I let this happen to me.

He asked me to open my heart to him. He said just practice on me, lol. No commitment.

I laughed a little. I don’t want a relationship. I want to discover why I have made such bad choices in men, why I so easily believed all the lies when they are now so obviously lies I should have seen 100 miles away. I need to do some soul searching, I need to clear my head.

I told him that the whole thing has made me feel nauseous, like, dirty. Like I was raped all summer repeatedly. I feel dirty. How could I have not known?  To be having intimate incredible sex with someone who was also having it with someone else.  It’s just so disgusting to me.

Lies. Just a bed of lies.

A is such a good kind man, and so stuck on a woman who can’t love him. But at least I have not led him on. He knows the truth.

I gotta admit S never told me he loved me. He told me he didn’t want to be in love. Although once when we were talking about it he said “I said I didn’t want to be. I didn’t say that I wasn’t”.  Another time when he was leaving I told him I loved him and he replied “in my own way I love you too Deb.”  So I guess he kind of did. Enough to keep me there. 

He often said he cared a lot for me, “you know there’s a lot more than sex going on here.”  It seemed so. We spent a lot of time laughing, talking, sharing. All day, every day. An ongoing convo. I was part of his every day life, moment to moment.

I cannot imagine leading A on. I cannot conceive of lying to him to make him think I cared more than I do.  He has always known where I stand. I don’t try to keep him in my life. He stays in it out of choice.

Well, I guess we are seeing the end result of lying as a way of life.

I keep thinking about how S kept telling me to read the Art of War. The first rule was to avoid war at all costs.  Yet.., he set up a scenario that was bound to end up blowing apart two women’s hearts, to start a war. He says he is not unscathed. I have to laugh at that.  It was not his heart that was betrayed so callously, so cruelly, so carelessly.

And kept trying to get me to play the ancient game of “Go”.  He loved it, because it was all about saving face. I hated the idea. Saving face?  Geezus.  Own your story, make amends, grow, change, become a better man.  Save face when you have betrayed people who love you?  What kind of false comfort is that?  I’d have to ask him which face he wanted to save, he has so many.

I’m feeling very detached from it all this morning.  At least, way more than yesterday.  I’m starting to rise strong again.  I’m making pretty good progress, I think. But from time to time I need to reflect, and see at what points I could have made other choices that would have prevented all this pain.

And I don’t need to save face, lol.  I need to stand in my truth and own my story.  And that, I can do.  Every time.

 

Gongs and Angels

Posted on by learning to live like water

Home from the gongs.  I have had this nauseous feeling all day.  I thought it was from S, and maybe it was at some point.  I did cord cutting at lunch at the cove, I felt fine all afternoon, but tonight it was back.  So my intention at the gongs were to deal with it.

I was in a deep meditation immediately, almost.  I asked my guides and the angels to help me out, to protect my aura against him trying to reconnect the energetic cords.  The gongs were playing deep and low and kind of quiet, and I fell into a deep meditation.  Apparently they tsunami’d which is when they are really loud…I just remember at the end of that particular segment, they played something, I have no idea what, that sounded like a choir of angels.  I remember thinking, “Oh, they’re here!!”  I realized the feeling in my sacral chakra had eased up.

I began to say the ho’oponopono like a chant, directing it toward myself.  I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Over and over.  Till was back in a deep meditation.

When it was over it took me some time to come back.  I could hear people talking and thought, “Oh I guess it’s time to come back.”  So I made my way back to the current moment and place, there.  When I got up off of my mat, I was extremely dizzy.

But as the time went on, I realized how much I had calmed down in that hour, from the stupid juvenile drama of the week.  Geezus.  I have always said he’s like a 14 year old.  Like an adolescent, really.

Afterward, I was driving down the street, and the town had put up their Christmas decorations on the street lights.  The first one I saw was an angel.

Another sign that they were there.  I love when they make their presence known.

It helped me so much tonight.  To let go, to get distance, to stop the incessant spinning of mind. To stop remembering every damn lie he told me.  I don’t need to remember more.  I know everything was.  And I can move forward again.

Staying Out of That Loop

Posted on by learning to live like water

This morning I had the worst feeling of being upset. My sacral and solar plexus were nauseous. I know this did not come from me. There is nothing in my life to cause this kind of feeling. 

It came from S. I know he read my last couple blogs and sees what he did to me ans to Betty. And I know he knows she has access to them now. No hiding. Tho, I have no way of knowing if she read them. Maybe she did. And told him. No way to know, I am not tuned in to her. 

But it’s one of those things I cannot give into. He has to deal with it, not me. He has always known I put up what’s real here. That I lay everything out on the table, and try to live my life cleanly.  I can own my story and stand in my truth. 

But I know he is sad, sick, that he had hurt us both, but mostly Betty. He’s sick that he underestimated my strength. He was so brazen about it.  Thinking he was so smart getting away with it for so long.  

And now he feels sick over it.  In my old life I would have messaged him asking what was wrong. I might even have offered advice. Today I stay away. None of my business. Staying out of that loop.  

Add-on:  Actually I gave him way too much credit. He’s only sick that he got caught. I keep assigning normal human emotion to him. But he is incapable of feeling them. There I go, thinking he’s way better than he is.  

Tying Up The Loose Ends

Posted on by learning to live like water

I slept 7 hours last night, the first time all week I’ve gotten a decent night’s sleep.  I was at peace finally.  The truth is on the table and now can be dealt with by the universe and the people involved.  I can go on with my life and know I did the right thing.

I always told S when he was breaking up with me, which happened in 18 months a few times, that it would hurt, but I was strong and would get over it.  I always knew I would.  He said, “You aren’t strong.  You crumble like a little girl.”  He was the one who crumbled, when I said ok, go….he never could.  He could never walk away.  He still can’t.

Although I did crumble. But I could also put myself back together.  I knew what to do, how to do it.  I guess my ex gave me practiced.  When I found out about Betty, I didn’t think I’d be able to put myself back together.  I have never hurt so much in my life.  It was his cruelty in the way he told me, not that he wanted to be with her.  It was his callous disregard for the way I loved him. But  just over 6 weeks later, I have myself almost back together.

I bet that S has changed his mind about whether or not I am strong now.

My biggest problem going forward will be sensing his feelings, sensing what is going on with him.  I still have no explanation as to why I do this, but there have always been people with whom I can do this.

The first time was when my ex and I were about 30.  We lived on a lake, and our neighbor kid who was about 20,used to go water skiing with us a lot, often we’d have him over to eat after.  One day we came home from a trip, and he came over.  He was in the living room talking to my ex, I was in the kitchen.  I began shaking, literally.  I sensed some really dark horrible energy, and I wasn’t into energy work at all.  I called him into the kitchen, and told him, “I don’t know what’s happening, but you need to get him out of the house, NOW. ”  My ex didn’t argue, he just did it.

Six months later, the kid went down the street, and killed an old woman and stole her car.

It still creeps me out.

I tend to listen to these messages, and will continue.  If I determine they are warnings to me, I will act.  Otherwise, I’ll let them go.  A psychic told me that S was sucking my energy dry, that I didn’t have to do anything about the vibe I got from him, I got them because I am an empath. And that I needed to turn the energy in on myself.

This will be my aim going forward.  To do what is right for me, and to let go the vibes I get from S.  And anyone else they come from.  I told her I thought I knew him in a past life, she said that could well be true.

I was so relieved to hear that I was not expected to deal with the crazy info that I would get at random times.

I have a gong bath tonight, perfect timing.  I am so grateful to wake up to no drama today, the drama is all over in his corner, and it’s what he loves.  He feels most loved when someone is crying over him.  Lord knows he did it enough with me, and while I was crying he would make me laugh, hard, endearing himself to me.

He told that every woman in his life has hurt him.  I thought, I won’t join that club. I loved him so much, beyond reason, without limit.  As it turns out, I’m sure in his mind I hurt him.  Badly.  I don’t expect he will ever take ownership of this story.

If he was smart, he would take this whole episode as a gift, as the gift of ruin, as rock bottom emotionally, and begin to transform into someone he could be proud of, that could love himself, and others with his whole heart.  He would direct this energy inward, and do some real soul-searching to figure out why he finds it so necessary to manipulate people.  It was, really, an act of love, to make him accountable for his actions, even though he will never see it that way.

I don’t think he will ever get that.

If he’s smart, he will use this time to do what he told me he wanted to do all summer when he made up this story so he could be with Betty every weekend.  Be alone, learn to be alone.  Learn who he is, and change what he doesn’t like.  Discover his passions, figure out what he wants for the rest of his life.  I hope he does this.

But it’s not my problem anymore.  I’m running to the light.  I’m tying up the loose ends of my emotions around this, and connecting all the dots, and every minute I feel better and more distant from all the chaos of the last few months.

I can look at S, as someone I loved, I can feel the same detached sorrow for him as I do for my ex.  A detached sorrow, that he feels so unlovable, that he has to lie and manipulate people into his life. He has done it so much that he just lies as a way of life, just like my ex.  As far as me….he had me at hello.  He just couldn’t believe it.  I bet it was that way that way for Betty too.

Onward….onward.

 

 

 

Betty’s Betrayal

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m home with a glass of cabernet.  My God, the drama today.  S is the world’s biggest drama queen.  Geezus.

Once the drama was over for the afternoon, I thought about all the lies that I had been told.  One stood out to me this afternoon.

You may remember back in September S told me that Betty Boop was back in his life on a Friday night.  Then he proceeded to convince me he just meant that they talked, that’s all they had done.  He sent me a picture of him on his bed alone.  He texted me on Sunday or Monday (it might have been Labor Day weekend) and said he wanted to come up here.  I told him I didn’t want to see him, he’d been with her all weekend.  I had cried the whole weekend. Hadn’t slept or ate. Thank God for my friends and my blog.   Thinking of her in my place in his bed, at the breakfast place we used to go to.  Just cried and cried a river.

He kept saying they just talked.  “Thanks for telling me I was with her.  We just talked.”  Two days later I was having a panic attack, and I texted him “You better get up here before I lose my mind.”  He was here when I got home.  We made love, and after he said to me, “I’m so disappointed that you would think that I would just jump back into a relationship with her after what she did to me.”

I said, your voice mails all said that it’s all you ever wanted, you just wanted me to be happy for you.  He said, I wanted you to be happy.  It was YOUR happiness, that’s all I wanted was for YOU to be happy.

I believed  him, I cried and cried again, and he held me.  So we continued on for another month.

And all the while he had been with her all weekend, all summer.

His lies were so convincing.

I was thinking of writing a blog listing his lies.  But there are too many, and the endeavor would make me sick.  Pathological.

Sometimes I wonder how many other women there were, besides me and Betty Boop.

Not that I care now.

But I feel sorry for her tonight.  She got blindsided by him, just like me.  I know exactly where she is, but she’s worse because he told her he loved her. They have a long history.  And she found out this week he’s been with someone else the entire time they were back together.

Even today, when I talked to him on the phone, he told me he misses me a lot.  I said, “if you love her you shouldn’t even be talking to me!!!!  WTF is wrong with you????”  I felt like, what are you doing?  Trying to hedge your bets in case she won’t take you back? Geezus, as if I’d go within a mile of someone that could look you in the eye and lie like that.

He’s cruel.  He loves her?  He loves what she does for him, just like he loved what I did for him.  But love her? He can’t even face her pain.

If I didn’t put a stop to this, it would still be going on, behind her back. I could not have lived with myself if I let that happen when I had the power to stop it.  I was having a hard time as it was, staying silent, when I thought the first weekend they were together was the one where we broke up.  He swore, over and over, he wasn’t seeing her before.

He lied to me, he lied to her.  He denied the relationship with her to me.  And he hid the one with me to her.  To be denied by the man you love is it’s own betrayal.

For his own pleasure.  He did it for his own pleasure.

I feel so sorry for Betty.  I have been there.  I have loved that man with every fiber of my being, and he knew it. When we first broke up I didn’t think I could ever love anyone that intensely again.   And I’m guessing she feels that way too.  I hope she doesn’t hate me.  I hope she’ll be ok.

It’s all over for me.  The nightmare is over.  But for her it’s just beginning.  I hope she’s strong enough.

Peace out.

 

 

 

 

Inconceivable 

Posted on by learning to live like water

Inconceivably, S called me at work. Twice. I let the first go to voice mail and he called back so I took it to keep him from continuing to call.

He wanted me to “help him out”. He is “fighting for his life”.  He apologizes to me for what he did to me. He knows he will pay 5 lifetimes for it. But I know he really has always loved BB.  She wants to know who I am.

I said “then give her my name and phone number I’ll  talk to her. ”

“You don’t have to break her heart.”

???????

“Scott YOU broke her heart not me!!!!”

I had to hang up. I could not believe he had the balls to ask me not to tell her the truth.

I texted him and told him to go to her house after work because she would be getting a letter from me today.  I sent it yesterday with delivery confirmation. With my contact info, a link to my blog and full disclosure. I said let her see you sit through the difficult truth like s man. It may be a start for her toward forgiveness.

He said “she’ll never trust me again. I did this before with her former best friend. ”

Geezus.  And we should all believe that he loves her, right????

Then I said, “what’s the big deal. You’ve both been cheating on each other”.

He said, get this, “that’s another lie. She never cheated on me. She never got married. ”

Omg!!  What would be the purpose of that lie, when we first met. Even before we met????  I’m sure the kitchen was a lie too. Like I gave a flying fuck why he and his ex gf broke up. Ever. But especially in the beginning.

I said, I’m going to call her at her work and tell her about  the letter. And then I’m done.

Which I did. Poor woman. I introduced my self as Debbie, Scott’s other woman. And I apologized for the whole situation, and said had I known I would have been gone.” I told her Isent the letter, she would get it today. And I wanted to make sure she knew about it so Scott didn’t take it out of her mailbox.

Poor woman hung up.  I feel so bad for her.

I texted him the following text:

I’m out. Done. Deal with it yourself from here on out. I will talk to her but you are dead to me.

And that’s that. I will never speak to that man again. My head is spinning. It is inconceivable to me. Lies and lies and lies. More shit in my face. Later I will write a blog apologizing for all he nasty stuff I wrote about her.  He may come after me, fool that he is. As if his web of lies is my fault.
Done done done.  Gonna catch my breath and never look back.