Who Am I Kidding?

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am so worried about him, so scared for him. I just need to know he’s alive. I just left him a voice mail, a text, and an email to his personal and work. I’m barely functional.  Panic stricken. WTF did I do, what was I thinking???  As if I could just stop caring… God I’m stupid sometimes. Geezus. 

Edited:  I just called the hospitals and he’s not in them. So I’m ok for now.  I don’t need to talk to him, just need to know that he’s relatively speaking, ok. 

Peace, Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

My heart feels a little heavy this morning.  Maybe too much red wine last night.  Maybe not.  I feel guilty that my friend is going through this health issue alone.   That I am not with him.  But then again, he’s made it clear that that’s how he wants it, and I need to quit projecting onto him how I would feel about it.  I think he knows, or should know, anyway, that energetically I am there.

And then again….while I am with him energetically, the actual not being there, physically, emotionally….I don’t feel bad about.  Because I was broken, once more, and the pieces are not put back together.  I don’t know if they can be.  I think too many times I’ve been broken.  Broken when he fucked the prison whore, broken when he would come have sex and leave, or tell me after that we needed not to see each other so much. Broken when he would ignore my needs.  And broken, now, by a week of not knowing what was wrong wit him, meanwhile trying to do as he asked while I waited until he could or would tell me, broken by him not showing up and not even telling me he wasn’t coming.  He was capable.  He has been going to work, if he can work, he is certainly capable of realizing he should have let me know, and at least, the very least, texting me to say he wasn’t coming.  The blatant disregard was just more than I could deal with on top of his refusal to tell me what is wrong with his health.  I was teetering on the edge of the abyss, that was all that I needed to push me in.

It just occurred to me, he thinks that it was about my temper, about me being angry. He doesn’t understand the concept of hurt, I guess.  It was pain, on my part. Not anger. It was me crying out in pain. It was a broken, yet again, heart. 

I guess he can’t imagine the depth of the feeling I had, and have for him.  I need to let it go.

But now I have no idea how he is.  Is he in the hospital?  Is he still in pain? Is he having surgery? Is he scared? Does he want me there now?  Now, that he’s pushed me away?  I can’t ask, I can’t know.  I need to move on.

It was never mine to deal with, I was never included, I was never in the loop.  He always preferred to be alone.  I need to move on.

I’ll continue to ask the universe to take care of him. I’ll continue to send him love and light and healing energy.  My soul and his, I know are connected in ways I can’t explain and sometimes wish weren’t, because it makes the letting go so hard, when I know the cord which connects us in that way is strong.

But I need to let go and move on, and not change who he is by asking to be brought into his life.

Peace, out.

Red Wine and a Summer Breeze

Posted on by learning to live like water

Glass of red wine and a summer breeze

Heighten my senses, yet…

Silence the self-absorbed egoistic babble.

I can’t help, and I can’t care.

So, I don’t. I won’t.

I won’t think about it.

I’ll think about where I’m going

and what I want,

and who I want to go with me.

And sip the red wine,

And feel the looseness in my limbs.

The lovely deep garnet of the

Cabernet Sauvignon

Hypotizes my psyche

So I can’t think about it,

or remember it.

Just every now and then,

a memory crawls out of the murky depths

But I send it away.

Not now, not tonight,  I scold it.

Not tomorrow, not ever.

I stand my ground.

The balmy breezes whisper my name,

in light caresses that remind me what love feels like.

Love is out there, somewhere

waiting to join me and the red wine

and the summer breeze

and the looseness in my limbs.

So I’ll think about that.

And send the rest of it back to the murky depths

From which it came.

Ater the Fire Is Out, Sifting Through the Smoldering Remains

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last Friday night when I saw the psychic, my native American spirit guides told me, first thing, first message they gave me, was “Stand your ground, don’t back down.” The medium said she could hear the Tom Petty song. My friends and I knew what that was about, I was trying to end, at that time, the relationship which had become purely physical and was not nourishing me.

The medium said, “You stand it lovingly, not with meanness in your heart.  And with no expectation that this other person is going to go along with it.”  Which was exactly what was happening.  He didn’t want me to break it off, but I was unhappy with it as it was.  She also told me that standing my ground would open doors for me.

Then he brought in his health issues.  Because I loved, and still love, him, i caved, I could only feel love and concern for him  He wouldn’t tell me the possibilities, because he didn’t want that energy out there. And because he thought I would “go ballistic.”

Yes, I would have been upset, but I was already upset.”Ballistic” is not what I would have become however. “Ballistic would be how I might describe a reaction of anger.  I wasn’t angry, I was upset, concerned, in love. Wanted to know what might be in store for the man I loved, and wanted to be able to determine if I could in anyway help him get through this.   Based on the symptoms, there wasn’t one outcome that was better than the other.  He promised when he knew something definite he would tell me.  Until then, he said, “I need you to just be with me.”  And so I was.  I was there when he called, I did what he asked, I didn’t ask him to tell me.  I did tell him that I loved him, I did express concern about him.  Of course.  Not a lot, not often, but when I felt it was appropriate.

So, I did what I could do.  I sent him Reiki, I sent him all the positive energy I could, I sent up prayers to the Universe that he come through it ok.  I kept that to myself, because I felt he preferred that I act like nothinig was wrong.

Apparently, my acquiescing to his wishes gave him license to treat me however he needed to.  And last night’s no show, on the heels of not knowing all week what was wrong, just broke me.  He was scared and in pain he said.  Why is that an excuse to hurt someone?  I don’t know.  If he wasn’t going to tell me the whole story, he shouldn’t have told me any of it.  But he told me what he did, to keep me in his words, not mine, “from dumping” him.

“You’re making it all about you” he said last night.  When you turn my world upside down, it will be, for me, about me, until I right myself again.  Never disrespecting that he has some real serious issues..  But he disrespected me, and my love care and concern for him.

So, contrary to the spirit advice, and what my own gut had told me, I didn’t stand my ground, I did back down.  But this morning, after dealing with the pain of his carelessness last night, I will stand my ground once again.  He asked me to leave him alone, and I will.  I said, do the same for me, please.

It’s what he wanted all along, to be alone.  Now he is.  Me, well…I am alone in a sense that I’m not with him.  But I’m blessed with a life full of people who love me.  I’ll be fine.

Crash and Burn

Posted on by learning to live like water

I didn’t stay afloat. I crashed and burned.  My “friend” with the serious health challenges set us up to fail.  Maybe he wanted me out of his life so he could deal with it alone, and not have to have me worrying about him. (As if I wouldn’t worry anyway.)  Maybe he just thought it was a joke, and didn’t realize how cruel he was being to me.

I spent the last 5 days worrying about his health issues. That’s all he would say.  He didn’t want to talk about them with me until he had specifics.  The reason that he told me that he had them at all was because I was trying to end it with him last week, and he used the symptoms to explain why he was treating me so badly.  It worked, I didn’t end it.  Instead, I did everything he asked me to do to help him keep his mind off of it, and to relax.  Including leaving him alone today.

Even though, leaving him alone today, was torture, because I knew he had seen a dr yesterday, and that he should have had some answers, and that he told me if the dr. called last night he had to go right to the hospital.  For some reason, he thought I wouldn’t care enough to be worried sick.  But I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t let him know how worried I was, I just kept things light, and gave him whatever he asked for.

Then late today, I heard from him, and I was so relieved.  I didn’t know if he’d gone to the hospital today, I didn’t know what shape he was in, I had no idea about anything.  I wanted to dance when I got a text from him. He made me believe he was coming over tonight.  I thought, finally, I might know something.  Finally, I could hold him, feel him, have  him with me so I knew he was safe even if it was just for one evening. I left work elated, imagining sitting on the deck talking.

But he didn’t come.  I waited and waited.  My stomach more in knots every second.  Would he really do this to me?  After making me wait all week, not sharing with me information that would allow me to at least know.  I mean, I am pretty strong.  I can deal with anything if I just know what I’m dealing with.  Finally, when I’d been waiting 45 minutes I texted him, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it from him.

He wasn’t coming.  He’d wanted to but he wasn’t.  And he wouldn’t even tell me he wasn’t.  He would have let me sit here all night wondering if he was in a car accident, or just playing a joke on me, or was trying to get rid of me.

I am gonna say….it was a passive aggressive move to get rid of me.  He can’t deal with how much I care for him, he’s used to dealing with stuff alone, and not having to worry about someone else’s feelings.  It’s about him, but I’m in it too, because I love him, because for whatever reason, he told me that he had some serious health issues.  And he has no respect for that, no care or concern for me, or my feelings, which are all about him.  Or, doesn’t want to have to respect, or feel care or concern for me.

Looking back through our communication, I thought it very telling that he said “I brought you in against my better judgment, because of your constant yammering. And now look, once again I am the bad guy for “hurting” you! WHAT ABOUT ME?” As I said, he brought me in to keep me from “dumping” him.  But what I wonder  is, how did I hurt him?  By doing what he asked?  By loving him unconditionally?  What about him?  He’s possibly sick, maybe very sick. But I did nothing to contribute to that. I did everything I could, everything I was asked to, to help him deal with it, which meant not asking, not being upset, leaving him alone. What about him???  I didn’t do anything to him. I never tried to make him believe something that wasn’t true, let alone refuse to apologize for it.  What about him indeed. 

Whatever. He’s used to being alone, not having anyone else who gives a real shit.  And that includes the past women in his life, as far as I’m concerned.  But at any rate….

We couldn’t get through it together.  We couldn’t even talk on the phone.  I wrote something, and sent it to him, trying to explain why I sat here crying for an hour or two.  We just couldn’t do it together.  We can’t do anything together.

I love him, but I have to walk away.  The relationship had gone purely physical anyway, that’s why I was trying to end it last week.  His words tonight were, that it was a good idea for me to be gone.  That he loved fucking me, but hated my temper.  That’s about as far from what I want as I can imagine.

So…we crashed and burned.  I tried, I have no regrets.  I hope he works through his health issues.  I really do.  It will be hard not knowing.  But we agreed to leave each other alone and that’s for the best.

Gonna sell my house and start over in Florida.  Better luck next time.

Staying In the Flow

Posted on by learning to live like water

Life can sure take some crazy twists.  You think you have an idea what’s going on, but often times you don’t.  Trying to go with the flow on this one, because there’s nothing else I can do, besides send prayers and positive energy.  There are two people in my life facing some real challenges.  For both of them, the journey is theirs to complete, I can only stand beside them and be there for them, with them  if they want me.  One of them I know does.  The other one has pushed me away, gently, even though I know that person cares for me.  It’s what that person has to do to face the battle which is theirs to fight. It’s hard to not be holding their hand.  But it’s what was asked of me, so it’s what I’ll do.

I love them both.  I’ll help the one I can, I’ll stay on the sidelines with the one I can’t, and wait.  Waiting is hard.  But not as hard as facing the challenges.

Today, living like water is just going with the flow.  I hope I can stay afloat.

Post Script Note:  The one that wants my help tho I am not close enough to help her much, is my mother, and by proxy, my sister, on whose shoulders all care decisions for my mother fall.  I was so messed up writing this this morning that I realize now how cryptic it sounded. 

The Psychic/Angel Reading

Posted on by learning to live like water

So, I had my psychic reading. It was pretty amazing, and I’d totally do it again.

The medium started out telling me I had two native American guides behind me, (I think that means they kind of have your back…) one male one female. The first thing she did was tell me their advice on something very personal, which I’m not going to put here, but it was lengthy, on target, out of the blue, and believeable. Then she said, “I’m hearing a lot about Florida…”

OMG, my two friends and I jumped! That is so the focus of my life right now. Trying to get my house ready to sell, planning to move to Florida. Hoping my mother will still be around when I do, being near my sister, never ever having to deal with a New England winter again.

She said, “they say it will be a really good thing for you. They say it will offer you many opportunities, and you can choose any or all of them. And it will be easier for you financially there….” It was pretty amazing. She knew nothing about me except my name before this.

Then she had a female presence, over me, which means older than me. She asked if my mother was alive and since she is, we determined this was her mother. She said, “She says she was a good cook, loved to cook from scratch, grow her own vegetables, etc. But never got to pass that information on to your mother or you.” I said, “Because she died when my mother was 4 years old.” Now, considering my mom was born in 1921, this makes my grandmother’s death in 1925, living on an Indiana farm, of course she made everything from scratch and grew her own stuff. The medium said, “She said she didn’t want to leave your mother so young, but that it was part of both of their journeys. It made your mother strong, and able to deal with so many things in her life..” She suggested I pass that along to my mother, and I might when I see her again. I will have to decide if it would be well-receive by my mom, but since it is something her mother asked me to do, I probably will.

Which is what my sisters and I have always said, that Mom is able to adjust to any situation with such grace. Obviously, the one she faces now the hardest, not being able to communicate and being partially paralyzed resulting in the loss of so much of her prized independence. But I do believe that because of her mothers death so young, and subsequently living with a variety of aunts and uncles, that she learned how to adjust to different living situations, and to make friends and make people love her. Because everyone loves her.

The medium said she was showing her two faces, identical…did I look like my mother? No….My mother looked just like her mother. The medium said, “It seems as if it was close enough that people remarked on it.” Oh yes, in fact, it caused problems with my mothers older sister, because everyone commented on how much mom looked like my grandmother, and never mentioned her older sis, who as I understand it, was quite jealous of the fact and the attention it brought Mom.

It was pretty cool to have a communication with my grandmother that I never met. And to know she is with me.

Then she had a male presence which was undoubtedly my father. First off, she had advice on the same personal situation as the native American guides, which validated that it was my father, because it was exactly what he would say to me, lol.

Then the medium said, “I hear someone yelling ‘Fore!!!’ Did your father play golf?” OMG, I jumped, the hair stood up on my arms. “Yes,” I answered. “Every moment that he could.” He once got a hole in one, I think it was his proudest moment next to the birth of his 3 daughters.

She asked if he was part of a group of men, like a club or something because he was with these men and was happy… I could only think of the Air Force, he was in the reserves til a few years before he died in 1988.

It was wonderful to hear from him, she told me how he loves me and is with me. These things I knew, he always made sure we knew he loved us, and I have always known he was with me.

She asked who did the Ancestry.com thing. That is my older sister…she was able to put together about a 4 page family tree. The medium said, “but I hear that you weren’t able to have those family discussions where 3 or 4 generations sit around passing along family stories…” And this was so true. I said, “no, we weren’t but we’ve gotten my mother to write down a lot of her life, and to tag all the photos we can find.” The medium said that there are legacy writers now, who interview elders and then turn their stories into books for them.

Which I think was maybe a message for me about the writing, maybe in conjunction with my 2 sisters, since we all share a love of writing, particularly my older sis and I. I spoke to my sis about it yesterday, that maybe when I move down to Florida, we could collaborate. Just throwing the idea out but she was receptive.

The medium also told us in the beginning that some messages are meant for more than one of us. At one point, she was asking another woman about someone in her family who had a name like a flower, a young person. The woman nodded but didn’t really respond as if she knew exactly who she was talking about. But I think it was meant more for me. My niece who died in a car accident 10 years ago when she was 24….her name was Aster. I had been hoping she’d show up and I think she did. I should have spoken up…I didn’t because it wasn’t my reading, but in hindsight I should have. Next time I will.

So…it was pretty amazing, satisfying, good for my soul. I have no doubt that my loved ones were there, or my guides (how else did she know about Florida??). Looking forward to doing it again sometime.