Through the Open Doors

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

I guess it was bound to go there. 

I hoped so much it wouldn’t.

But, it did. 

In the early morning hours

Anger, misunderstanding, refusal, pain. 

Why can’t I get over it? 

Because it never ends. 

Because I don’t want to balance out every bit of happiness 

With misery. 

Too much misery in my life. 

Done with it. 

Done with those who bring it to me. 

Maybe I bring it to them, I don’t know. 

But there are people with whom I only share happiness. 

That’s where I need to go, 

It’s what I want to find. 

Stand my ground the guides said. 

Doors will open for you if you do. 

I’m ready. 

For the open doors, 

Ready to walk joyfully through them

And leave the misery, 

Hidden in its lair

Waiting to jump up 

And bruise my heart again. 

Let it suffocate 

In its own breathless anger and pain. 

I can almost see the joy, 

Almost touch it, 

Almost feel it, 

Smell it, 

Taste it. 

Going, going….

Gone. 

Time for Change

Posted on by learning to live like water

Change is coming.

I can feel it in the waves

That ebb and flow through my heart.

In my unsettledness.

in my happiness.

In my unhappiness.

Need a change of scene.

A change of lifestyle.

Need to stop settling

And go for the big dream.

Scary, yet necessary.

Some people I will miss.

Some people I won’t.

Some people will join me.

But time to move in a new direction.

It won’t be perfect, nothing is.

It will bring me closer to where I want to be.

At least, that’s the plan.

I’ll start tonight.

Tomorrow.

This minute.

I might look back

For a second.

It won’t deter me

From where I want to go.

Peace out……

Getting Grounded in Reality

Posted on by learning to live like water

I finally talked to S.  Well, that’s stretching it. We texted.  And I think in the end, we came to an amicable understanding that we needed to stop seeing each other.  That’s how I hoped it would be.  I have no anger, I have no regrets.  I understand him, and I think that while he may not completely understand me, he at least respects my feelings now.  I didn’t want this to end in a blaze of anger and ego, and I think that’s what we managed to do.

Last night I had a strange dream.  I had been thinking how S was now free (he always was, but there will be nothing pulling him back now) to go discover who he is, on his own, discover his passions, decide how he wants to spend his retirement.  That thought converted to a dream as I fell asleep, I guess.  I dreamed he came to just “check in”, just visit.  I was sitting outside, on the side of a hill, next to a border garden, backed up by a fence..  There was another man sitting with me, who I didn’t recognize. I never saw S in this dream but I know he was sitting with us.  I said to him something about my sister…and then “my sister knows everything.”  (LOL, I know I was talking about my older sis, even though I have a younger as well.) When I said it, suddenly a human form began to break out of the garden, sitting up, forming before my eyes from the dirt and grass and flowers in the garden.

I guess that kind of freaked me out, I wasn’t scared,  but it was just weird….and it woke me up.  I don’t know  what it had to do with S, or me.  I don’t think I can look up “human form created from garden” on dreammoods.com, lol.  I would guess it had something to do with being grounded, a spirit, connection to the earth.  As for how my sister ties into it, I really don’t know.  She went through such a hard time this winter, trying to care for my mother after her stroke, and has spent the couple of months regrounding herself, in much the same way I do when I get lost.

That’s two strange dreams I’ve had in a couple of days.  The other one upset me, this one didn’t, but I thought about it a lot, had a hard time getting back to sleep, and ended up texting S, further explaining to him that I still can see him, I still know there is something in his soul worth loving, and that someday I hope he is able to believe it and open it up to someone.  And I felt quite grounded, loving and detached when I said it.  So maybe that was the point of the dream, to help me to become grounded in the reality that it is over with S.

On to a new day, a new week.  I hope there are some new and exciting things coming my way.   And yours.

Love and light.

I Believe in Love

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sun rises, sun sets.

Days stretch out in between.

Changes happen,

Nothing stays the same.

Love comes,

love goes.

Like the seasons

it passes.

Sometimes the journey isn’t meant to be forever.

Sometimes it’s just two souls reconnecting for awhile,

And then going on their separate ways.

Who knows what the purpose was?

Who knows what a soul’s journey is about?

Who knows if two souls don’t agree

To meet in this lifetime,

Just to remind them each of a lesson they came to learn?

Or of who they are, in their essence.

Who knows?

When the obligation is met

They move on to complete their own journey.

I still believe in love.

I still believe it never dies.

All those who I once professed to love,

I still love.

The love changes

It transforms.

Its energy

It can’t be destroyed.

It never dies.

I believe in love.

In the end,

It’s all there. is.

Contentment

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m working on contentment.  I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different.  Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.

There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon.  It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time.  If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow.  One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t.  Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.

Content.  Actually, I am feeling pretty content today.  I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell.  I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing.  If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content!  But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.

I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me.  It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.

I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends.  It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the  phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.

I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season.  That will be nice.  The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later.  It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air.  Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it.  For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean.  Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters.  I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again.  We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip.  He has since sold the boat, which made me sad.  It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.

So, contentment, is where I am today.  Accepting what is, happily.  Hopefully with grace.  I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.

In the Flow

Posted on by learning to live like water

Switched from red wine to rum tonight.  Feeling pretty good.  I got an answer, the only answer I needed.  So, I could let go, knowing there was no eminent danger.  He can do his thing, and I can do mine.  As it should be.

I believe in unconditional love.  It means you don’t get to pick and choose who you love, you don’t get to judge whether or not they are worthy.  You just have to love everyone.  Or it’s not unconditional.

There are people who never experience that.  They live their lives not believing they are worthy of love. They believe that without a bunch of extraneous stuff, they have no value.  My ex was one of these people. I am sure that because he believed he had no intrinsic value, he believed that anyone who loved him must be stupid.  Or trying to get something from him. And so he vacillated between treating me like I was stupid, or as if I was trying to take him for something.  And all I wanted was for him to love me.

I get it now.  He couldn’t.  Poor guy.  He tried, I think he really tried.  But that little voice in his head was too loud, too strong.  “Don’t love her, she will hurt you.”

I’ve seen unconditional love in action.  I’ve seen it save people, once they realized they had value just because they existed.  And so… I love S, unconditionally.  Not to be mistaken for romantic love.  But I love him.  I love my ex.  I wish all good things for them.  I believe completely that they are good men at their center

In the meantime, I have decided not to talk to my ex about our son.  But maybe talk to him, just tell him a little of my plans, find out about his.  See how he is.  To talk to him about our son is not my business.  It’s my son’s business and my ex’s.  So I’ll stay out of it.  That has been my stance all along.  Recently I have been worried about my son having family nearby when I move.  But he’ll have his family of friends, and me at the end of the phone, which is basically how we communicate now.  He will be fine, and if he wants a relationship with his father, he can open that door himself.

Feeling good tonight.  Better than I’ve felt all week. The flow went where I didn’t expect it to, but suddenly it’s all quite clear to me, and it’s all ok.

I ordered new carpet on order for my family room, I scheduled a measuring of my room.  I cleaned my son’s bathroom.  Because waiting for him to do it will mean waiting forever.  Literally.  Got my hair cut and highlighted.  Grocery shopped.  The day was gray, but in the middle of the day,I realized it was gray still, but was also green.  As in the color of life, every tree and shrub and bit of foliage is so green this time of year.  Green, as in the color of the heart chakra….Green.

Doing The Work 

Posted on by learning to live like water

 Last weekend he told me he was going to see his mother in another state this weekend. I kind of assumed with his dire dr report (“if we call you need to pack a bag and go to the hospital”) that he wasn’t going to go. But my guess is that his silence is because he went, and took yesterday off.  It’s not really an excuse, he had his phone, unless he did something like forget his charger. Which could be the case, and he shut the phone off to preserve the battery.  It seems more logical than he’s holding a grudge.  He could be holding a grudge and gone, though past history tells me that the grudge part is unlikely. 
He has to know I have been freaking out tho.  A simple text to let me know wouldn’t use that much battery.  But I’m going to believe this is what’s happened, they he is with his mother, at least through the weekend. 

I need to do Bryron Katie’s work on this. Is it true (that something is terribly wrong with him?) I’m not sure. So I don’t know if it is absolutely true.  So how do I feel when I think that thought?  Scared, sick, upset, like crying, panicky, terrorized. And who would I be without that thought?  Happy or at least not unhappy. Able to go about my day, productively. 

As she always says, it’s the story we make up about the thought that gets us in trouble. He’s probably with his mom, and completely unaware of what had been on my mind, especially if the last thing he knows I said was “please leave me alone too. ”  or one of the subsequent blogs in which I was massively upset with him. 

So S, if you read this, please let me know you’re ok.  That’s all. 

Acceptance Comes Slowly

Posted on by learning to live like water

So dawns a new day.  I still have not heard a peep from him.  I left another voicemail, I have texted him.  It is unlike him to hold a grudge with me, especially when I am so obviously trying to find my way back to him.  But this morning, acceptance is setting in.

I had a nightmare about him last night. And now I’m trying to see if I can logically understand why he is silent.  So far these are my choices.

1.  He’s still angry with me for being so hurt the other night.  He cannot stand being the bad guy.  All it  required was an “I’m sorry”. We all make mistakes, he made one in not telling me he was not going to come.  He made one in underestimating how much it meant to me.  But a heartfelt “I’m sorry” would have gone a long way.  A phone call would have been nice.

2. He read the blogs I wrote after, “Crash and Burn” and “Sifting through the smoldering ruins” and was furious.  He dislikes i when I write about him, us.  When we are published on the internet.  No one knows me, or him.  He says, “yes, but when your book is published they will know who you are, and then who I am….”  That’s still such a long shot. But I have to write about me.  I have told him any blog I write is a snapshot in time of how I am feeling at that moment.  So why don’t I just journal it, why publish?  Because when I am in pain, confused, fearful I long for feedback from my peers.  The community helps me through it, helps me not to feel so alone.  I am quite able, obviously, when my feelings change, or circumstances change, to own it, and correct it here.  I rue the day I ever gave him the link to this blog.  It puts a bracket on my freedom to write what I feel here.

3.  Maybe he is too sick to communicate with me.  I can’t know that he actually went to work yesterday.  I do know that he wasn’t in the hospital.  I do know that he didn’t die, because I checked the obits this morning.  Sounds morbid, I know, but if he had an aneurism, which could kill him instantly, I would never know, I would never be told by anyone because no one knows of me. So it was some kind of black comfort not to see his name there. Maybe he is just in too much pain to add the stress of talking to me to it.  But…he doesn’t have to talk with me.  Just to tell me how he is, in a text or an email, and then ask me to continue to leave him alone, and I will.  Just to ease my mind.

4. I have occasionally, thought, what if his ex girlfriend leaves her new husband (that she found within 4 months of breaking up with him after 12 years) and wants him back?  He told me many times he was not over her, that he thought she was the one.  I asked him not that long ago, maybe a couple months, what he would do if that happened.  He said he didn’t know.  Which didn’t help me feel secure with him at all, obviously.  There is no making sense of who we choose to love, he says he loved her, and she took him for so much…..  I just don’t know.  But it is what it is.  I mean, I still love him after all the ups and downs we have had, when it is quite obvious to me that this is not a healthy relationship.  This #4 reason leads me to the nightmare.

I dreamed he finally called me.  We were, in the dream, on the phone, but I could see him at his house as well.  He told me he was in love. His voice was odd, kind of a falsetto.  He has in reality a deep, sexy voice.  I kept asking with who?  And he just kept telling me it was real, he was finally in love. (He constantly told me he didn’t want to be in love.) Then I could see his ex girlfriend in his jacuzzi.  And I said, “tell me who it is or I’m hanging up.”  He got mad at that threat and started yelling back at me on the phone.  I hung up, I woke up.

This morning I can’t help but wonder if the universe was telling me something.  I don’t even know what to look up on dreammoods.com.  It is so unusual for me to dream about him, about anyone I know, and to remember it, though I am sure I remember it because it woke me.

So where am I at this morning?  Still  numb, thankfully, from the wine and an Ambien.  It’s nice how the two combine to knock you out on a night when you’d not have slept otherwise.  Especially after the dream.  I am accepting that I can’t do anything about his refusal to communicate.  I can call the hospitals again, and make sure he’s not there.  I considered calling his ex-wife, who doesn’t know me, and asking her to check on him.  Because I am pretty sure, that unless he goes in the hospital, he has not told his family about  his health issues either.  By family I mean ex-wife and kids. But then I think, in my best Byron Katie mind, no don’t do that.  Then you are in HIS business.  (you know, there are three kinds of business:  Mine, other peoples, and God’s)

So to try to stay in my business, only mine today, I won’t try to reach him but just let it be, as he used to tell me all the time.  Maybe he’ll be in touch when he feels up to it.  Maybe he never will be again.  My business is to go on with my life.  So, I’m going to go get my hair done, go to the grocery store, go get 2 new tires for my car and maybe talk to my ex husband about our son while they put the tires on, since his business is right next door to the tire place.  But his business is weather related and we are supposed to have a huge storm this afternoon (of course, it’s Saturday) so he might not be there.  That should keep me clear of him until tonight.

Acceptance of what you truly don’t want to have to accept is such a mind-fuck  But again, it’s reality.  He is not communicating with me, and I need to respect that is how he wants it, for whatever reason.  I can’t put too much energy into that thought, the lump in my throat begins to grow again.

Slowly taking steps to move beyond this pain.