Lovely evening. Sitting outside on my deck with a glass of wine. I am dead tired tonight, I couldn’t get to sleep til about 3 am, despite having taken 2 Ambien. I shouldn’t have answered the phone but the voice mail was a little scary, so I did. As usual, the conversation went nowhere, I hope I don’t have to do it again. I can’t do this stuff anymore. Too f’n old for this drama.

I realize I’ve not written much else than my issues with S this week, and I actually have some other pressing kind of stuff, that I’d like to put a voice to.

First, I lost one of my best friends from childhood this week to cancer. She was the sweetest, most loving person ever. She couldn’t say a bad word about someone ever. Just warm, loving, always made you feel good about yourself. As children we lived about a block and a half apart, and used to walk to school together. You know how those friendships often go, you are friends as small children, but tend to grow apart. Suzi and I never grew apart. We remained really really close until I went to college, got involved with my ex husband, and did too much dope smoking. But over the years a few times Suzi reached out to me, like a warm embrace welcoming me back home. When my marriage was at it’s worst, and I had basically no friends left, because my ex didn’t like any of my friends, and it became easier to let them go than deal with him, she found me after a couple decades of silence. I just cried, I was so happy to have someone reach out to me with love. We kept in contact off and on, and then last summer reconnected in person when I went to my 45^th high school reunion. Suzi was one of the organizers, generally the photographer. I saw her and noticed she was wearing a wig, and was quite thin. I mentioned it to the friends I was staying with, but they didn’t know anything.

Yesterday at lunch, her best friend, who was also a good friend of mine in school, messaged me to let me know. I sat in my car and cried. Still do, when I think of the world without her.

Then my mother….aye yi yi. She’s 94 and suffered a massive stroke which left her unable to communicate, and partially paralyzed. I thought she was doing pretty well when I was down there 3 weeks ago. She was walking well, talking better. Her health, outside of the effects of the stroke, is good. But apparently last week, while I was in the panic over S’s silence and disappearance, my mother decided to leave the assisted living place she’s been in. She got about a block away before they noticed it. She walks very very slowly, with a walker. They told my sis that she kept taking her pictures down and packing her suitcase.

We thought she must have a urinary infection, which causes confusion in the elderly. But regardless, she had to be moved to a higher care facility once she left the premises. Turns out she had no infection, but we assume was communicating in the only way she knew how that she was unhappy there. And I’m sure it’s because she was left alone all day, if you can imagine being alone all day, unable to communicate. But I wish she’d understood the consequences of her actions, because now she is in a memory care facility. Smaller, which is good. And it’s nice and clean, and my sister knew the place, and had been there, and liked it. But…the doors are locked. Mom can’t go outside. They told my sis, who is down there at the moment, that she walks around all day looking for an open door. She doesn’t like her room. And is now even more unhappy.

My sis can’t bring her home now, because for one thing my sis is at her VA home, not in FL. And her daughter is getting married in a few months, in VA. And, my sis has been that route. Mom requires help with everything….it’s a full time 24/7 job and almost did my sister and her marriage in to take care of Mom for 6 months.

But it’s breaking our hearts.

I wish I could just sell my house and move down there. If I could do that, I’d be able to help my sis take care of her, and we could bring her home. I’m going to finish getting the house ready and get it on the market in the fall. It probably won’t sell, that’s not a good time to sell a house up here, but I can try, and see what interest is generated. And then if I do by some miracle sell it, I will be able to help my sis and we can make Mom’s life at least pleasant for the time she has left.

I’m looking so forward to the three day weekend. Going to go to my boat slip tomorrow and collect some money for the rental of it. It always does me good to go there, by the ocean. I may spend the afternoon hanging out somewhere down there. Maybe I’ll run into some old boating friends. One of my best friends texted me late today and invited me to spend 4^th of July with she and her husband on their boat. I was so happy and excited. I told her, I was feeling a little down because I didn’t have any plans for the weekednd, and now I have plans to do my favorite thing in the world, spend it on the water.

Guess the universe was conspiring in my behalf, lol.

So….lots of stuff going on, and when I sit here with a glass of wine, I think that a breakup should not be the thing on the top of my list to be focusing my attention on. I am praying for a peaceful night, a good night’s sleep, some time to regenerate some nerve cells, lol. I was on my last one tenth of a nerve and that got frayed pretty well last night. Now, at the end of the day, I may have a few more that are working again.

Well, time to go inside, the mosquitos are coming out and I guess they’re hungry, because they are eating me up, despite the mean old woman I am, lol.

Happy 4th of July, everyone!