My favorite gratitude quote by Denis Waitley
Some Idle Thoughts on a Summer’s Evening.
Feeling “mellow” tonight. I am feeling free of S. I have no emotion at all, no anger, no pain, but no romantic love, no longing either. I wish him well…I just wish him to leave me alone. It got worse before it was done completely, which is not what I wanted, but it wasn’t my choice. The unconditional love remains, that love which I try to have for everyone. But as for sharing a life, having a relationship, that’s done. I realize because of the “Lucky 7” things, I had hoped for more than was ever possible. I accept reality, and realize we are way more different than similar. It was never going to go anywhere, and was bound to end as it did.
I think he “unfollowed” me today, or someone did, anyway, because i lost a follower. i assume it was him. And that’s a good thing. I hope he loses the address for this blog too. I dislike constantly worrying if what I write is going to be taken wrong, and piss him off. I wasn’t willing to give up the right to write what I felt to keep him happy. I don’t think I could have kept him happy anyway, no matter what I wrote or didn’t write.
I heard from A tonight. He’s leaving Seattle where he’s been staying at his brother’s lake home for a few days, and heading for the Cascades and Canadian Rockies. We talked on Facetime, it’s kind of cool to be talking face to face. I have never used it before. He’s such a nice, happy, sweet man. He always makes me feel good about myself. Always smiling. But there are 1000’s of miles between us, which will always remain. All I know is it’s nice to have a friend like him right now.
I often wonder what my relationship with A would have been like, if I had not been involved with S already when I met A. I keep thinking that a relationship, deeper than the one we have, would have developed, and then I would have been so morose when he left. So, I think it worked out for the best for us both, because neither of us got so attached that his leaving was painful. I know he loves me, and I love him in a different way. More than a friend, but not the way I used to love S, with longing that ached. Which is a good thing because there will always be a big distance between us, and neither of us will ever entertain the idea that we could be together.
Well, pensive tonight I guess, on the end of my relationship with S. On whatever my relationship with A is. I don’t feel like dating, I don’t really want the complication of a man in my life right now. I have a lot going on to get ready to put my house on the market. I’m gonna hang out with my girlfriends, go to the beach, do a Paint Nite, and just generally put myself back together. It will be nice to have some time with out chaos.
Morning Meditation
It rained during the night.
I didn’t even hear it.
But this morning, I woke to a fresh clean world.
Yesterday was gray,
A constant threat of storms.
The air stuck to me
Like an old lover I wanted to forget.
This morning the sunrise breaks through silvery clouds
The scent of a fresh summer rain permeates the landscape
And renews my soul.
I listen to the birdsongs, they carry across time and space
on the almost imperceptible breeze that moves the leaves in the very tops of the trees.
Morning meditation, done with nature all around me.
So Hum
Breath in love on So
Breathe out all that no longer serves me on Hum.
Surrender and let go.
Peace.
The Prayer, My Prayer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbviXG_56ss
There was a time in my life, about 4 years from 2007 to 2011, when I was just spending every moment trying to hold my own in court against my abusive crazy ex. My son came to live with me in 2009, but I still had nothing, except my paycheck and some child support, to support us until the Supreme Court decision in 2011. After 30 years of marriage he held every asset we owned and the court would not order him to release any of it to me, except for attorney’s funds. My car was falling apart, I was building up a good chunk of credit card debt. I was scared a lot, but had to keep pushing on, for my son and I. I don’t remember ever feeling safe, or that my son was. It was without a doubt, the hardest 4 years of my 64.
I would listen to this song, and sing along with it, the words
Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.
And then I’d cry, and pray.
In the end it all turned out ok. My prayer was answered. But whenever I hear this, I can remember…..
The Value of Being Able to Say “I’m Sorry”
Hoʻoponopono
The Polynesian method for reconciliation and forgiveness
This poster is something I learned in Reiki. A method, and words, when heartfelt, to resolve the damage we do to each other through our actions and words.
So many people are unable to apologize, and to make amends. My ex, for example, was never able to acknowledge damage he did to me, or our relationship. I have often thought since that he had borderline personality disorder, as he was unable to feel empathy at all. He could never understand anyone’s pain except his own. and he could not apologize. It was a large contributor to our subsequent divorce.
A long time ago i heard about the 4-R method for dealing with having hurt someone, intentionally or not. It is quite similar to the Polynesian method of Hoʻoponopono.
1. The first R is for Recognition. One has to recognize that their actions, or words, have caused another pain.
2. The second R is for Remorse. Remorse is sincerely feeling bad that you caused someone pain.
3. The third R is or Regret. Regretting your actions, or words, that caused the pain. It is different from remorse. Remorse is about the pain caused. Regret is about the thing that caused the pain.
4. The fourth R is Repair. Repair of the damage done. It starts with an apology, a heart felt, unconditional apology. One that doesn’t involve excuses, buts, or extenuating circumstances. Just a straight-forward, “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
One night when my ex falsely accused our son of something heinous, he apologized the next day…but he apologized for being tired. He didn’t apologize for his words and actions that had us all up all night. I simply told him, “Tired is not what you did wrong.” But he couldn’t apologize for his words that devastated my son, or kept me up all night trying to calm my son down, who couldn’t believe that his father accused him.
He knew he had done wrong. But he couldn’t face it. I suppose it went back to his childhood, where if he did something wrong he got the crap beaten out of him. And often it wasn’t he that did the wrong thing, but he got the beating anyway. That’s regrettable, that’s sad for him…but until it’s acknowledged, and that baggage worked through, it is just a cycle that continues. Even if he didn’t beat our son, he was teaching him, by his own actions, not to be accountable for his actions. Teaching him that other’s feelings didn’t matter. Teaching him that the only thing that mattered was that his own ego was in tact, and not bruised by his actions, or words that came out of his mouth.
The saddest part is that his inability to feel my son’s pain, or mine, or anyone else’s, has isolated him. He is alone, no one in his family wants to be around him, because it is a trait that carries to every one, no one feels safe around him . He has no relationship with his son. My son feels he has no father. I used to tell my ex, “You’re going to die old, sick and all alone, because you push away the people that love you.” And that’s what has happened.
“I’m sorry” are two beautiful words. They build a bridge between two people, a bridge that can be crossed to find common ground. It comes from love…from the soul, not the ego. An ego given free reign, without the soul’s love and compassion, is really, in my estimation, the cause of all ill in the world. People’s egos make them believe that their emotions, their beliefs, their pain, is far deeper than anyone else’s, and that everyone else’s is secondary to theirs.
So, I’ve tried to live by the 4 R’s. It’s one reason I wrote yesterday’s blog, Lucky 7’s. I realized I had been unfair to S, and wanted to repair that. Not that anything I said before was not true, just that it was unbalanced, and putting it on here hurt him. It’s what I have taught my son in the years since we both left his father, and I think he gets it now.
But we are still done, I don’t expect to be writing much more about him. We just can’t find common ground on many important subjects. Apologies being one of them.
Apologies are good for the soul. I wish my ex had been able to see that.
Lucky 7’S
S and I are over, as best I can tell, as I talked about in the last blog, The End of the Line. But something is kind of bothering me, and that is this. Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows why it ended. I made it very clear how different we are, in relationship expectations, life style, etc.
I don’t think I ever explained, at least not well enough, why I loved, still love, this man so much. In all fairness to him, he deserves some good press. He’s not a monster, he’s a very cool guy but what he wants is just way different from what I want. So here goes a list of why S is lovable. At least, that’s my perception, even though he keeps telling me I shouldn’t assume I know what he wants.
1. He made me laugh. All the time when we were together. His sense of humor is quirky, off beat, and spontaneous. For example, we were out for breakfast one morning. He noticed the woman in the booth in front of us had her ear peeled to every word we said, and kind of seemed like she was trying to figure out our relationship. One of the waitresses said something to me about my husband. He said immediately, loud enough for everyone to hear, “I’m not her husband!! I’m just her lover!!! Her husband is at home asleep!!” The woman in front of us must have spit her coffee across the table she laughed so hard. As did I…
One morning he woke me up blasting the Black Eyed Peas, playing air guitar and dancing in his birthday suit.
Most of his humor is just running commentary which comes from his unique and unusual way of looking at the world. It’s never mean. Sometimes it takes me a minute, so it also makes me think. Which is good (or dangerous, according to S.)
2. He is a wonderful story teller. This is something I really love, and cannot do, unless writing it. And my God, does he have the stories. I have never known anyone who has lived in so many diverse places, and communities, nor had so many varied, unusual, amazing and often funny experiences. I loved to sit on my deck or in his recliner and listen to his stories. Yet, he is one of the most low-keyed quiet men I’ve ever known.
3. He’s smart. Really smart. He takes his time figuring out how to solve a problem. Pragmatic. Doesn’t get all aggravated (at least not for awhile, lol). He uses his intuition a lot in problem solving. It’s a wonderful thing to see. He’s very creative. My experience with other men and problems they had to solve was, I’ll just say, different.
4. He reads, a lot. He loaned me a book which I absolutely love. My ex did not read. It was wonderful to be able to discuss books with a man.
5. He took me on the best day trips. He understood my love of the ocean and anything water (and shared it) and took me to some really beautiful hidden away places. And others not so hidden away where he had stories to tell.
6. I love his blue eyes (as anyone who reads my blog knows) and his thick curly salt and pepper hair.
7. I loved making love to him. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.
Lucky 7. Makes me wish things had turned out different. But it wasn’t meant to be. I have some great memories, I hope he feels the same.
And no, I will not give anyone his phone number….
The End of The Line
After I posted my last three blogs yesterday I heard from S via text. His normal greeting, kind of joking, kidding, laden with sexual innuendo. I am used to it, but I didn’t play along. I was not unfriendly, I just don’t want to go there. Then apparently he read all the blogs while we texted. Or, more correctly while we stopped texting. When I heard from him again, he was upset over the blogs, tho would give me no specifics.
I told him I wished he would stop reading them. That his reading them makes me feel like I need to censure what I say for his benefit. But I don’t..I won’t. I need to write what is on my mind without fear of repercussion, it is my way of working through things. But him reading the blogs, and my feelings on our difficult relationship, has caused so many problems.
I got silence. He did not respond to me. I knew he was angry. I re-read them quickly, but really didn’t think they were offensive. Maybe the reblog of “Exhausted” could be perceived that way. Had the tables been turned I would have asked questions, but that’s not his way.
He said, “I am gone.” I said, “Ok, Love always.”
I was not upset. He has been gone from this relationship in any real way for a long time, and I have accepted that, and given up any expectation that he would ever care for me in the way I did for him. And I have also become clear in my own head that I don’t want any part of the push pull game that goes on endlessly between us. Pulling me to him til he has me, then pushing me away til I am gone. Repeat and repeat ad infinitum.
I guess he made the same decision that I did, that this relationship doesn’t work. But I don’t know, will never know his real reasons for saying he was gone. I have been pretty gone since the 4 day silence a week ago. That was the ultimate push me phase, and it sent me far from him. The conversation this weekend was the beginning of the pull me back to him phase, but it wasn’t happening for me. I don’t know if he thought it was.
I know very little about his thoughts, he does not share them. This blog is about my feelings, it is about what I see in our relationship. It is, because it’s my blog, my viewpoint. I know he sees things differently, but I don’t know much about his viewpoint. It’s ok, it’s exhausting to have to wrap my head around him and try to make sense of what he wants when he keeps his silence and his emotional distance from me. I can’t do it any more, and apparently neither can he.
It’s all good. I am fine. I accepted the end when I was panic stricken over his health and realized he went to New Jersey and was actually refusing to ease my mind. If truth be told, I was at the end the week before, when I was trying to end it, because I was so unhappy, and the health issues came up, only telling me so I wouldn’t leave him. It was manipulative to do that, it was cruel to leave me hanging.
I loved him well, I will always love him. I just accept fully that we are not meant to be. It was fun for awhile, but it’s not any more. I needed the relationship to evolve. It was de-volving in my view. I think we are at the end here this time.
exhausted.
I love this short and succinct poem from Poetic Epilepsy.
Beach Day
Rocky Neck Beach, Niantic CT
The day was hot, my car said 87. We got to the beach about 10:30. There was a light breeze off the water, and it was slightly humid and hazy. We could make out Plum Island in the haze. (If you ever saw “Silence of the Lambs”, at the end they made an offer to Hannibal the Cannibal to live out his life on Plum Island. They used to do testing on very very dangerous animal diseases, like Anthrax, etc. there, but I believe it’s closed. They still don’t allow anyone on the island. It’s widely believed that’s where Lyme Disease came from. It is directly across Long Island Sound from Old Lyme, CT, where the disease in humans was first diagnosed. Just a bit of local information.)
I watched the boats plying the water and wistfully remembered my old life, all the years I was out there on a day like this. But the next best thing is to be sitting on the beach, smelling the salt air, letting the negative ions do their thing. We talked, ate, walked, rested, read. It was just a lovely relaxing day.
I had a short texting conversation with A before I went to the beach. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and he understood that there were 1000’s of miles between us, which would always remain. So we were good friends, close friends, but that chances are we would both meet someone else. He agreed completely and said he hoped I would find someone who would “adore me”. Sweet man.
I didn’t hear from S today at all, but did hear from him Friday night. We first texted, then we talked on the phone. It was a nice conversation. He updated me on his health. He made me laugh, I will always appreciate that about him. He has an offbeat sense of humor that just tickles my funnybone. We texted a little yesterday before I went on the boat. I didn’t get in touch with him when I came home last night. I was just tired from the day, being on the water always makes me sleepy. He texted me at about 11, wondering if I was angry. Which made no sense to me, but no, I said, I wasn’t angry, I was just sleeping. That conversation ended rather badly, because I brought up the 4 day silence I got last week. I have not heard from him since, even though I apologized this morning for being bitchy, but saying I was also still working through that anger. I think it’s understandable. Maybe he’s just giving me space to work it out, I don’t know. Maybe he’s angry. Whatever it is, I am not worrying about it.
There are many things about him I love (like the way he makes me laugh) but I have no interest in continuing our relationship as it was. So it’s all good.
It has been a lovely weekend, by the water, all weekend. The thought runs through my mind occasionally that I so hoped I’d be doing these things with S, but I’m doing them, and that’s a good thing. There are no expectations now, no hopes, no dreams, only the present moment, and I am good with it, as it is, whatever it is. There’s no pain that way either.
Friendship
Friends are flowers in the garden of life.
Thank God for good friends. It is such a joy and relief to be with people, male or female, whose company is just pleasant. Laughing, talking, planning, discussing. No games, no pushing, no pulling. I am so blessed to have lived in this small town all my adult life, and have friends who have been friends for decades. We know each other’s stories. We share our histories. It’s a blessing that I will miss when I move to Florida. But I know they will visit me often in the winter. And I will visit them in the summer. We will never lose each other.
I’m going to the beach today with the friend who took me to her boat yesterday, and 2 more. I should be cleaning my house, LOL. But I feel like I deserve to spend this beautiful day at the beach with my friends. We’ll talk, go in the water, get a tan, read our books, eat our snacks….and make another memory together.
I love men, but I couldn’t live without my girlfriends companionship. Blessed, just blessed.
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