The Mimosa flower
like a light-hearted starburst
on a clear starry night
A thousand tendrils of purple and white
reaching for the sun.
I want to dance with a Mimosa in my hair.
To sleep with tender bud in my hand.
To make love with the blossom between my breasts.
And dream of the man who grows
the Mimosa outside his door.
How could you be anything but happy
If you’re lucky enough to see one?
There’s still an inner struggle going on, but it’s gone peaceful. No demands for answers, just sitting with it, and knowing the answers will come. He always says to me, “Let it be, D. Let it be. There will be an answer.” For some reason I believe him this time. Not going to worry about being able to deal with the answer. Trust the universe to conspire in my behalf, so even if it doesn’t look like the answer I want, it will be the answer I need.
He’s a smart man.
I spent yesterday morning on the edge of tears. Whenever I was alone, I just faced and tried to weigh my emotions for this man, against the reality of our relationship. All it did was bring me to tears. About lunchtime I realized I had to stop thinking about it, it was making me crazy. I went to lunch, read the book he had given me, then did a quick 10 minute meditation in my car, at the edge of the cove where I spend most of my lunch hours.
When I was driving back to work, I thought, “Do I have to decide right now? Today? Tomorrow? This week?” S is happy with things as they are, I know he is not pressing me to decide what I want. What I decided to do was to let all the questions go for the moment. Put aside all the differences, to deal with later. I want to just BE with him, and enjoy each others company the way we used to. I am so tired of unfulfilled wanting, I just want to stop. Just be. Not to want more than is there.
Let me have some of that God, of just being with him. Let me just surrender all the desire and unfulfilled wanting I have in this relationship, and let it flow, like water. Let happen what’s going to happen. Let me feel gratitude just because he is next to me without wanting more.
In the middle of our serious talk, he made me laugh so hard I couldn’t talk. That has to be worth something, doesn’t i? To both of us?
Sadness rises
But is edged with grace.
The grace is edged with gratitude and joy.
Someday, at some point,
The sadness will fade away
leaving only grace, gratitude and joy
in its wake.
I saw him. I love him. We talked. It will never work out the way I dreamed.
Feeling sad tonight.
Yesterday, Saturday, seemed to be full of opposing energies. They called at about 8 to schedule coming to measure my room from 10 to 12, which was fine. then they called back at 10 to tell me the technician who was supposed to do it had had his computer/tablet crash, and he needed that to do the measuring, so wouldn’t be able to come. I am so old school, I’m thinkin what’s wrong with a tape measure? But of course, that just shows my age. It was rescheduled for next Saturday.
Since they weren’t coming I decided to go check out the carpeting at another store, and then go to Walmart because I needed some folding chairs i could take to the beach, and the fireworks if I went.
But while all this was going on, S called me. He started to say goodbye to me in a very nice friendly way. We ended up with a discussion about our souls and their journeys and why we have the lives we do. Geez it got deep. Then we got into a discussion about apologies. Then it got hard, again, we were butting heads, and we hung up, nothing resolved, no goodbyes, no hellos. He called me again while I was driving, about the apology….and again we butted heads. I found out in due course that he’d had an extenuating circumstance that caused his silence. I said, all you had to do was tell me in the briefest of communication, and let me know you’d get back to me. I would have left you alone, instead of calling hospitals looking for you. I told him it only added to my angst, and anger, and hurt to find out now, after two weeks. As if it was a tool to be sprung on me to make me feel like a jerk, instead of including me in his life when it happened. It just seemed to me we would never find common ground. I wasn’t mad, i just got tired of the same old conversation, going around, accomplishing nothing. Feeling and being on the outside edge of his life, instead of in it. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, we were headed in our separate directions.
And then he called back. For whatever reason, he gave me the apology I was looking for for weeks, months on some things. I was so shocked I just said, Thank you for that…..and I I had to hang up. I wanted to cry. And it wasn’t just the silence he was apologizing for, it was other actions that have caused me pain, that have driven us apart.
I know it was not easy for him, and I understand the kind of character it took to do it. I also believe that he is more invested in this relationship than he or I thought, because he made such an effort. I let him know that I was very appreciative of that effort.
A little while later, he texted me, and we made plans for him to come here this evening to talk. I don’t know i we can find common ground on all the other things that separate us, but I’m willing to explore the possibilities with him. I’m also scared to death.
I ended up going to the fireworks with a friend. They have them every year in the town where my boat slip is, as the end of an annual Sailfest. They used to be much more impressive, with three barges of fireworks in the middle of the river, now just one. But we always go sit on a fishing pier that goes maybe 800′ into the river, in front of an old fort, and watch them. It was a perfect, cloudless night, at then end of a very hot day. It was fun. That’s where the pictures are from.
The mosquito bit me again yesterday.
I scratched the bite until it bled.
And then the bleeding kept me up half the night.
This morning I remember why I used the mosquito net
to keep from getting bit.
Why I covered myself with repellent
So it’s not attracted to me.
Let it believe I am a grouchy, bitter, old bitch,
caught up in past memories of being bitten.
Let it think what it wants,
As long as it doesn’t make me bleed again.
Sitting on my deck, it’s 81°F at 7 pm, and the air is dry, finally….after wickedly high humidity and thunderstorms all week. I am having crab rangoons with siracha sauce and a nice glass of cabernet, tho I’m sorry to say that I have now finished off the bottle, with this first glass. Not to worry, there is Chardonnay in the fridge, lol. I had a bag of potato chips, made locally, Rosemary and Olive oil. I wasn’t sure I’d like them, but they are good! Feeling strong tonight, centered, unafraid. Gong baths are so good for me, lol.
I talked to S today, first time all week. No, not talked. Texted. and emailed. Started off as an email, but I unblocked him on my phone sensing no danger to my psyche. I’m standing my ground, lol. I really didn’t want it to end ugly. We talked about our relationship….Ahhh it was all good. To be open and fearless, lol.
I heard from A today as well, quite a bit. He’s camping in the Cascades in Washington State….remote camping spot, in the woods, next to a river where he has what seems to be a private beach. He sent me a “selfie” of his leg, lol.
I love Friday nights No plans for tomorrow except to get my family room measured for a new carpet. However, when I booked it I forgot there’s a parade in town from 11 to about 1. They are to call me between 7 and 9 to set up the time. If they can’t work around that I’ll reschedule for next weekend. There are fireworks tomorrow I’d like to see, but no one to go with….
Sunday I have plans with a friend. It’s going to be close to 90° all weekend, I love the heat. My kind of summer weekend. Except the air conditioning bills, lol.
Need to refill my wine glass. Have a good weekend everyone.
Are you there?
Did you whisper my name?
Am I hearing things?
Does the cosmic energy cross space and time
And fill my head with the echo of your voice?
Or is it just old memories
Ricocheting around in my head?
I went to a gong bath tonight. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a meditation, which lasts about an hour, which takes place with the vibrations of primarily 8 gongs, with some crystal bowls, drums, bells, and other vibrational equipment. The gongs range in size from about 18” in diameter to maybe 44”. Gongs vibrate at the same rate as the human body, so the sound does not go around you, it goes through you. When they play them loud it’s incredibly loud, and is a perfect time to let go of anything that no longer serves you.
The meditative state I am able to achieve during the gongs is extremely deep. Usually. Generally speaking, the louder the gongs, the deeper I go. That’s because when they are loud, you cannot hold a thought, it’s just not possible.
Tonight, I had no intention when I went to the gong. I know I’ve been through a lot of emotional stuff in the last couple of weeks. Ending it with S, issues with my sister and my mother. Also watching my ex self-destruct, even from a distance, is not pleasant. While I had no set intention, I knew the gongs would take me where I needed to go.
Tonight, I was in a place where S was, energetically. We were not together, or apart, just both there. He was looking at me. I used to say to him that I could “see” him. I could see his center, I could see his soul, his essence. I don’t think he understood. Tonight, he was, in this deep meditative state I was in, looking at me, I think, trying to see me. He could not. He just looked at me with this questioning look on his face. Of course, in time and space I have no idea how long that was for. In that place it seemed like a very long time. He was trying….but he couldn’t.
I believe for a person to see anyone else, they first have to see themselves, they first have to know that their center comes from love, that love, unconditional love, is the beginning and end of every soul. It is there before you have a body, it is to what we return when our bodies give out. I am sure S could not see that in himself, so he couldn’t see it in anyone else.
I had no regret, no sadness, just understanding. I believe that’s why he kept thinking he needed to be alone for awhile, and discover who he was. And that’s also why I supported his doing that. But every time I supported it and encouraged it and said, “just check in with me from time to time, maybe, let me know how you’re doing” he would want to be with me, for a short time. I can’t do the short time. I can’t do the physical without the emotional. I can’t. But I do hope he undertakes this journey on his own, with out the safety net of my bed to fall into his old ways.
If he ever is able to see himself and love himself, so that he can see others the way I could see him, I’d love to hear about it.
A on the other hand, sees himself, and others, and never has a bad word to say, is happy in his life. And is eager to share love. I don’t think anyone can help but love him, he attracts it, as he gives it. S once said to me, “but you don’t love him.” He’s right, I don’t love him in the way that I loved S, in the way I want to love a partner. But I love him.
I saw him briefly during the meditation too. He just made me smile.
My friend who went with me tonight was having problems with her daughter today. I think most of the problems are because she, my friend, cannot let go of her kids, and they are adults now. On the way there I just wanted to tell her “You are too much in their business.” She knows, studied Byron Katie for a long time, and knows what I mean. There are three types of business according to Katie….mine yours and Gods. We only belong in our own. But I didn’t say anything before hand because I wanted to help her, not accuse her of something.
After the bath, on the way home, I told her that sometimes people have to back up, to get some perspective in order to see each other as a whole person. And maybe that’s what her daughter was doing now. I told her what she needs to do for her daughter is just be there, just love her, unconditionally. If her daughter gets mad, or upset, to just say, “Honey, I don’t want to fight with you. I just love you….can I just have a hug?” I told her that her daughter needs to know she will still be standing there no matter what they dish out to her. Because eventually, they will see it, and love her back.
Love attracts love. Anger attracts anger. Hate attracts hate. But love is the strongest….there is nothing stronger than unconditional love.
It was such a good meditation tonight.
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