Tag Archives: acceptance

Just Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

I spent yesterday morning on the edge of tears. Whenever I was alone, I just faced and tried to weigh my emotions for this man, against the reality of our relationship.  All it did was bring me to tears.  About lunchtime I realized I had to stop thinking about it, it was making me crazy.  I went to lunch, read the book he had given me, then did a quick 10 minute meditation in my car, at the edge of the cove where I spend most of my lunch hours.

When I was driving back to work, I thought, “Do I have to decide right now?  Today? Tomorrow?  This week?”  S is happy with things as they are, I know he is not pressing me to decide what I want.  What I decided to do was to let all the questions go for the moment.  Put aside all the differences, to deal with later.  I want to just BE with him, and enjoy each others company the way we used to.  I am so tired of unfulfilled wanting, I just want to stop.  Just be.  Not to want more than is there.

Let me have some of that God, of just being with him.  Let me just surrender all the desire and unfulfilled wanting I have in this relationship, and let it flow, like water.  Let happen what’s going to happen.  Let me feel gratitude just because he is next to me without wanting more.

In the middle of our serious talk, he made me laugh so hard I couldn’t talk.  That has to be worth something, doesn’t i?  To both of us?

Some Idle Thoughts on a Summer’s Evening.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling “mellow” tonight.  I am feeling free of S.  I  have no emotion at all, no anger, no pain, but no romantic love, no longing either.  I wish him well…I just wish him to leave me alone.  It got worse before it was done completely, which is not what I wanted, but it wasn’t my choice.  The unconditional love remains, that love which I try to have for everyone.  But as for sharing a life, having a relationship, that’s done.  I realize because of the “Lucky 7” things, I had hoped for more than was ever possible.  I accept reality, and realize we are way more different than similar.  It was never going to go anywhere, and was bound to end as it did.

I think he “unfollowed” me today, or someone did, anyway, because i lost a follower.  i assume it was him.  And that’s a good thing.  I hope he loses the address for this blog too.  I dislike constantly worrying if what I write is going to be taken wrong, and piss him off.  I wasn’t willing to give up the right to write what I felt to keep him happy.  I don’t think I could have kept him happy anyway, no matter what I wrote or didn’t write.

I heard from A tonight.  He’s leaving Seattle where he’s been staying at his brother’s lake home for  a few days, and heading for the Cascades and Canadian Rockies.  We talked on Facetime, it’s kind of cool to be talking face to face.  I have never used it before.  He’s such a nice, happy, sweet man.  He always makes me feel good about myself. Always smiling.  But there are 1000’s of miles between us, which will always remain.  All I know is it’s nice to have a friend like him right now.

I often wonder what my relationship with A would have been like, if I had not been involved with S already when I met A.  I keep thinking that a relationship, deeper than the one we have, would have developed, and then I would have been so morose when he left.  So, I think it worked out for the best for us both, because neither of us got so attached that his leaving was painful.  I know he loves me, and I love him in a different way.  More than a friend, but not the way I used to love S, with longing that ached.  Which is a good thing because there will always be a big distance between us, and neither of us will ever entertain the idea that we could be together.

Well, pensive tonight I guess, on the end of my relationship with S.  On whatever my relationship with A is.  I don’t feel like dating, I don’t really want the complication of a man in my life right now.  I have a lot going on to get ready to put my house on the market.  I’m gonna hang out with my girlfriends, go to the beach, do a Paint Nite, and just generally put myself back together. It will be nice to have some time with out chaos.

Morning Meditation

Posted on by learning to live like water

06-16-13 016

It rained during the night.

I didn’t even hear it.

But this morning, I woke to a fresh clean world.

Yesterday was gray,

A constant threat of storms.

The air stuck to me

Like an old lover I wanted to forget.

This morning the sunrise breaks through silvery clouds

The scent of a fresh summer rain permeates the landscape

And renews my soul.

I listen to the birdsongs, they carry across time and space

on the almost imperceptible breeze that moves the leaves in the very tops of the trees.

Morning meditation, done with nature all around me.

So Hum

Breath in love on So

Breathe out all that no longer serves me on Hum.

Surrender and let go.

Peace.

Friendship

Posted on by learning to live like water

Friends are flowers in the garden of life.

Thank God for good friends. It is such a joy and relief to be with people, male or female, whose company is just pleasant.  Laughing, talking, planning, discussing.  No games, no pushing, no pulling.  I am so blessed to have lived in this small town all my adult life, and have friends who have been friends for decades.  We know each other’s stories.  We share our histories.  It’s a blessing that I will miss when I move to Florida. But I know they will visit me often in the winter.  And I will visit them in the summer.  We will never lose each other.

I’m going to the beach today with the friend who took me to her boat yesterday, and 2 more.  I should be cleaning my house, LOL.  But I feel like I deserve to spend this beautiful day at the beach with my friends.  We’ll talk, go in the water, get a tan, read our books, eat our snacks….and make another memory together.

I love men, but I couldn’t live without my girlfriends companionship.  Blessed, just blessed.

The Second Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Day 2 of no contact with S.  It was much easier, I was much less angry, less confused, less bitter. He runs through my mind occasionally, as in “Why the hell would he treat someone that loved him like that?”  Because, God, I loved him so much.  But I have been able to quickly shake the thought out of my mind.  He did.  He does.  Repeatedly.  I don’t know why.  And it doesn’t matter why.  The fact is he does, and I am free of it.   And what of the love I felt for him?  The unconditional love remains, but I don’t want to see him or talk to  him.  The passionate love, the desire to be with him, is, as Pink Floyd says, “receding”.  Such a perfect description. I can breathe again.

My son and I happened to both be home for dinner tonight.  He put some chicken jalapeno sausage on the grill while I had a glass of wine.  Then we added a whole bunch of food that he brought home from Bobby Flay’s restaurant at the Mohegan Sun Casino, Bar American.  One of his friends is a chef there, and that’s a GOOD connection to have!  He said the kitchen is allowed to comp their family and friends….he paid for 2 appetizers, two entrees and desert, they comped him 4 more appetizers, another entree, another dessert.  Way more food than any two humans could eat, and unbelievably good.

The best part was that I got to sit and eat with my son, and chat with him for awhile, not something I often get to do.  He’s 23, and now we have these adult conversations, lol.  About his girl, my issues, plans, time off, when’s the lawn going to get cut, etc.  Out in the summer evening, warm but not hot.  Blue sky with a few puffy white clouds.  It was a treat.

Starting to feel myself.  No drama, no heartache, no pain.  Peace and quiet.  Lovely.

At least, for tonight, all is well.

Putting Myself Back Together

Posted on by learning to live like water

My morning meditation was disturbed by a thunderstorm this morning.  A warm, soft rain had been falling, which suddenly became a thunderstorm.  I had to end the mediation prematurely and make sure the open windows were not allowing the rain in the house.  They were not, thank goodness.  I didn’t want to have to shut the windows.  It’s not hot enough to turn on the air conditioning, but if all the windows need closing, I’d have to turn it on.

S has not tried to reach me, which I’m not surprised at, but grateful for. I’ve been able to calm my emotions, stop flinching when the text alert goes off on my phone.  Last night I stopped at my cousin’s house on the way home and we went for Chinese food together.  Actually, she’s my ex’s cousin, but one of my best friends.  I knew she was going through a hard time, and was alone last night. So it did us both good.  It’s a blessing to have someone in my life here, who knew me 40 years ago, and for her too.

I still hear from my friend A, such a sweet man.  He’s on the Olympic peninsula in the extreme northwest of the country, 3000 miles from here.  He sent out a group text yesterday of looking across the water and being able to see Canada.  He seems to be really enjoying his trip, and why not?  Retired, financially stable.  Like he said, he’s not flunking retirement, lol.

Hope I can find someone to hang out with this weekend, maybe go to the beach on Sunday, it’s supposed to be hot.  We’re off work on Friday, so we get a lovely 3 day weekend.  Looking forward to it. Might try to get my deck ready to paint.

So, life goes on, peacefully now.  Putting the pieces together, but trying to make something new out of them.

Getting Grounded in Reality

Posted on by learning to live like water

I finally talked to S.  Well, that’s stretching it. We texted.  And I think in the end, we came to an amicable understanding that we needed to stop seeing each other.  That’s how I hoped it would be.  I have no anger, I have no regrets.  I understand him, and I think that while he may not completely understand me, he at least respects my feelings now.  I didn’t want this to end in a blaze of anger and ego, and I think that’s what we managed to do.

Last night I had a strange dream.  I had been thinking how S was now free (he always was, but there will be nothing pulling him back now) to go discover who he is, on his own, discover his passions, decide how he wants to spend his retirement.  That thought converted to a dream as I fell asleep, I guess.  I dreamed he came to just “check in”, just visit.  I was sitting outside, on the side of a hill, next to a border garden, backed up by a fence..  There was another man sitting with me, who I didn’t recognize. I never saw S in this dream but I know he was sitting with us.  I said to him something about my sister…and then “my sister knows everything.”  (LOL, I know I was talking about my older sis, even though I have a younger as well.) When I said it, suddenly a human form began to break out of the garden, sitting up, forming before my eyes from the dirt and grass and flowers in the garden.

I guess that kind of freaked me out, I wasn’t scared,  but it was just weird….and it woke me up.  I don’t know  what it had to do with S, or me.  I don’t think I can look up “human form created from garden” on dreammoods.com, lol.  I would guess it had something to do with being grounded, a spirit, connection to the earth.  As for how my sister ties into it, I really don’t know.  She went through such a hard time this winter, trying to care for my mother after her stroke, and has spent the couple of months regrounding herself, in much the same way I do when I get lost.

That’s two strange dreams I’ve had in a couple of days.  The other one upset me, this one didn’t, but I thought about it a lot, had a hard time getting back to sleep, and ended up texting S, further explaining to him that I still can see him, I still know there is something in his soul worth loving, and that someday I hope he is able to believe it and open it up to someone.  And I felt quite grounded, loving and detached when I said it.  So maybe that was the point of the dream, to help me to become grounded in the reality that it is over with S.

On to a new day, a new week.  I hope there are some new and exciting things coming my way.   And yours.

Love and light.

Contentment

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m working on contentment.  I would like to be content with things as they are, not wishing they were different.  Today, after the chaotic week I had, I actually feel it’s possible.

There’s a cleansing rain falling, been falling since yesterday afternoon.  It’s actually a winter type Nor’easter, having rained about an inch or so in that time.  If it was winter, it would have been a foot of snow.  One of the reasons I want to move to where winter isn’t.  Or at least doesn’t include storms with snow measured in feet.

Content.  Actually, I am feeling pretty content today.  I have started the work on my house to get it ready to sell.  I lost two more pounds this week, which brings me to about 10 lbs since winter, a really good thing.  If I could lose 20 more, I’d be really content!  But two pounds in a week is good, enough to content me.

I am content to know that S is not in imminent danger with his health, and content that he has not communicated with me.  It’s kind of freeing, to get away from the chaotic emotion which has defined our relationship.

I had two 2 hour phone conversations with friends yesterday, close close friends.  It’s unusual for me, to spend that much time on the  phone, but it was what I needed, to feel that close connection with people I love and have known for many years.

I’m going down to the shore today to collect the money from the guy who is renting my boat slip for the season.  That will be nice.  The rain should be over by about noon, I’m going later.  It always does me good to be where I can smell the salt air.  Growing up in the middle of this country, I never dreamed that one day my life would involve being out on the ocean every weekend and vacation of the summer. God, how I loved it.  For the 30 years I was married, summer was about being on the ocean.  Going to sleep to the lapping of the water on the sides of the boat, waking up to gentle rocking, having coffee in the cockpit, listening to the gulls, watching the fishing boats ply the waters.  I miss it…but who knows, maybe it will someday be part of my life again.  We owned our slip at a dockominium complex, and in the divorce, my ex got the boat, and I got the slip.  He has since sold the boat, which made me sad.  It was a lovely boat, I picked it out. But it is what it is. When a marriage goes bad, there’s no where to get away on a boat, and I had to give it up too.

So, contentment, is where I am today.  Accepting what is, happily.  Hopefully with grace.  I would have to say that grace led me to this content place, and I am blessed.

In the Flow

Posted on by learning to live like water

Switched from red wine to rum tonight.  Feeling pretty good.  I got an answer, the only answer I needed.  So, I could let go, knowing there was no eminent danger.  He can do his thing, and I can do mine.  As it should be.

I believe in unconditional love.  It means you don’t get to pick and choose who you love, you don’t get to judge whether or not they are worthy.  You just have to love everyone.  Or it’s not unconditional.

There are people who never experience that.  They live their lives not believing they are worthy of love. They believe that without a bunch of extraneous stuff, they have no value.  My ex was one of these people. I am sure that because he believed he had no intrinsic value, he believed that anyone who loved him must be stupid.  Or trying to get something from him. And so he vacillated between treating me like I was stupid, or as if I was trying to take him for something.  And all I wanted was for him to love me.

I get it now.  He couldn’t.  Poor guy.  He tried, I think he really tried.  But that little voice in his head was too loud, too strong.  “Don’t love her, she will hurt you.”

I’ve seen unconditional love in action.  I’ve seen it save people, once they realized they had value just because they existed.  And so… I love S, unconditionally.  Not to be mistaken for romantic love.  But I love him.  I love my ex.  I wish all good things for them.  I believe completely that they are good men at their center

In the meantime, I have decided not to talk to my ex about our son.  But maybe talk to him, just tell him a little of my plans, find out about his.  See how he is.  To talk to him about our son is not my business.  It’s my son’s business and my ex’s.  So I’ll stay out of it.  That has been my stance all along.  Recently I have been worried about my son having family nearby when I move.  But he’ll have his family of friends, and me at the end of the phone, which is basically how we communicate now.  He will be fine, and if he wants a relationship with his father, he can open that door himself.

Feeling good tonight.  Better than I’ve felt all week. The flow went where I didn’t expect it to, but suddenly it’s all quite clear to me, and it’s all ok.

I ordered new carpet on order for my family room, I scheduled a measuring of my room.  I cleaned my son’s bathroom.  Because waiting for him to do it will mean waiting forever.  Literally.  Got my hair cut and highlighted.  Grocery shopped.  The day was gray, but in the middle of the day,I realized it was gray still, but was also green.  As in the color of life, every tree and shrub and bit of foliage is so green this time of year.  Green, as in the color of the heart chakra….Green.