Tag Archives: acceptance

Inaction is Also an Action

Posted on by learning to live like water

Its raining this morning which suits my mood.

I haven’t heard from S for a long while, not since he wanted me to talk to him about why I was upset as I tried to go to bed Thursday night, and I said I didn’t want to talk about it now, that I wanted to go to sleep (because I haven’t felt well, and haven’t been sleeping all that well, and am trying to beat the bug I have, if that’s what it is.) I knew talking about it would upset me, I could already feel the stirring in my solar plexus. I needed to hang up before it was tumbling and turning and keeping me up all night, yet again.

My few texts yesterday were met with silence, except one I sent to him in error, to answer a friend’s text. I don’t know what it means. Usually he comes back with “if you don’t hear from me for a day it doesn’t mean anything except you didn’t hear from me for a day.”

I find that unacceptable, it discounts my feelings. It feels like the silent treatment abusers use (my ex husband comes to mind) to let you know they are displeased. With my ex-h, I got to the point I was glad for it, because it meant I didn’t have to listen to him pontificate on what horrendous and unforgivable things I had done. With S…it is not so intent, I think it means he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

Well, that says something doesn’t it? I mean, no action is neutral, really. Not doing something is also an action. Right now, I am meeting inaction with inaction. It seems easier, at the moment, than hearing his voice with it’s lack of interest. The result will be separation, if it continues, what else can result?

I still trust the universe to work it all out for our higher good. I’m adjusting. I have a pretty busy weekend coming up. Even if not…I won’t have to question my sanity. It’s not what I wanted, but its what I’m given to deal with. I’m good at that, dealing with what is, I think. Or, getting better anyway. I’m getting a lot of practice.

Shifting

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling unsettled.  Still not feeling real well, though better.  Emotionally I am very unsettled.  That usually means a shift is underway.  A shift, in my perceptions.  A shift in my feelings.  A shift in the way I approach the events in my life.

I think it has to do with accepting that which I cannot change, thus making choices that are more in alignment with reality. Taking a deep breath and seeing what is, untempered by how I want it to be. And somehow being happy about it.

I think.  Moreso, I feel.  Accepting what is.  Words echo in my head, begging me to listen, and not ignore.  I am still trying to ignore these words.  Ok, I will try, I answer.  I’ll try.

Learning to Love What Is

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m trying to work some stuff out here.

I’ve got some kind of bug. My throat is a little sore causing some laryngitis, and my right eye is a little weepy. I have carpal tunnel in my right hand, arm, wrist, which has been acting up. And this morning, the fingers on my left hand are quite stiff and sore in the joints.

I’m a believer in the emotional component of all illness. I am quite rarely sick, this maybe the first time in a couple years. So I am looking at all the symptoms, with Louise Hay’s book by my side “You Can Heal Your Life”.

A sore throat has to do with holding in angry words and feeling unable to express yourself, the inability to speak up for one’s self, swallowed anger, stifled creativity and refusal to change. Issues with the throat in general have to do with expression, creativity.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome has to do with frustration and anger at seeming injustices of life.

Arthritis has to do with feeling unloved, criticism and resentment.

Our hands and wrists have to do with the ease through which we move through change.

Eyes have to do with the capacity to see clearly. Eye problems have to do with not liking what you see in your own life.

I have had an ongoing issue with someone for the last couple of weeks. I wanted this person to do something that they were not comfortable with, quite simply. And I was pushing and they were resisting. It seemed a no brainer to me. Something that would have been fun, enjoyable…whatever. To them it was maybe those things, but maybe not. I can’t speak for them, only or myself.

So….as it turned out it came to a head last night. This person is not going to do this thing with me. I am going to do it alone.

I felt sorry for myself. I felt unloved. I criticized myself, feeling I wasn’t good enough. I also did not feel I was able to express myself fully, not on this subject, nor others with this person, because often I think that expressing what I really feel puts them under pressure. So I swallow it, and don’t say it, when I clearly want to.

This person refused to talk to me about it anymore last night, and cut me off from communication. I was angry, resentful.

Thus, all my symptoms.

Coincidentally, I have been reading Byron Katie’s “The Work” for our book club. And I put the 4 questions to only one of these problems, since it is a process taking time.

I realized that I have been stifling what I had to say about the situation. But I did that on purpose because I knew it would not come out with any loving intent, and I didn’t want to go there with this person. But you know what happens to the stuff you bury…..It makes you sick. Voila! I am sick.

I felt very unloved, and was beating myself up for being so pushy last night. I woke up with a very sore left hand. I am loved, even if not in the way I want to be, but by many others, and by this person as well. The person’s choice not to do this thing with me doesn’t reflect whether or not I am cared about by them, only that they were not comfortable with this particular thing.

But I railed against it, and how frustrating and unfair it was, and guess what, my carpal tunnel has been acting up all week.

I am not moving through changes easily, I am not accepting what is. My joints hurt.

And lastly, I don’t like what I’m seeing, and my right eye is bothering me.

Pretty clear, that the body follows the mind, isn’t it?

So…..doing The Work last night brought me to these conclusions. I don’t love myself. I am afraid of change. My thoughts are not creating a joyful and abundant life for me, but one of lack.

This is all about me, not about this person. It is not what they have done but about my reaction to what they feel. Like Byron Katie says, “Who would you be if you didn’t have that thought?”

I would be excited to do this thing on my own. I would share it, and the excitement, with this person, instead of putting the burden on them to create the excitement with me, and thus in some ways, for me. I would be happy I was doing it, whether or not I was alone.

I want to say maybe it’s meant to be, that I do it alone. Maybe there is a door opening there that I am too blind to see, or to fearful to want to walk through. But why? Because it is what it is. The reality is that I’m doing it alone, so I need to rejoice in that. I need to love what is. Why? Because it is what is happening, and it’s not something I can change. The universe doesn’t screw up, I have trusted it before to work things out for my highest good, and for this person’s. And so this must be it.

This person may join me in this at some point. They have said that. But they can’t right now, so I’ll forge ahead, and repeat to myself every minute that I can that I am loved, I love myself, I will create a joyful life, and I will accept the way life unfolds before me. By myself, I will do this, I will not burden another with these things.

I will walk through the fear I have of doing these things alone, and realize I am quite capable of enjoying them on my own. I’ll find my way.

Acceptance of what is is hard, until we actually realize we have no choice. So we can be mad about it, and ruin this moment, or we can accept it, and find some joy in it, and go forward happily.

I will choose the 2nd reaction. I’m sure it gets easier with practice.

It’s all a lesson in learning to live like water.

Stop the Ride! Please!

Posted on by learning to live like water

I keep thinking that I’ve figured out how to get off the merry-go-round.  You know, that feeling, that you’ve been going around and around and not getting anywhere.  Riding a horse that you can close your eyes and with a real good imagination believe it’s real for a moment. Ah, such bliss in that fake horse, for the short time that you make it real.  But, you open your eyes and there you are on a fake horse going nowhere.

Suddenly, you want off.  You have things to do, places to go, people to meet, a reality to deal with.  You just want off.  So, you dig in your heels and try to slow it down so you can get off with out smashing your face into the ground.  You ask the man who runs the throttle to please slow it down, so you can dismount.  But you’re dependent on his good nature, his time-table, you don’t know if the glint in his eye means he enjoys seeing people flying off the horses or if he has some compassion for those that need to leave.

I went to a gong bath Thursday night.  During an exceptional “white noise” tsunami, which is when the gong players play them so loud and hard that the sound and the vibrations absolutely don’t allow a thought, only emotions, I cried out, asking for resolution. I surrendered.  (It’s lovely when you cry out during a tsunami, no one hears you except God, or your inner self….).  I turned it over to the greater powers that be, to resolve how they saw fit, trusting that it would be in my best interest.

I was up all night (thus my poem, Sleepless).  Caused, as usual by expectations, attachment.  (OH Buddha, I can’t figure out how to not be attached. And not having expectations is hard….) I expected a certain outcome, which I thought was realistic, on Wednesday night.  Let’s just say, I was disappointed.  I was suddenly snapped back into the past, with old fears, old issues.

Thursday morning, I was on an emotional edge all day, it wouldn’t have taken much to push me into the abyss, a gentle push, maybe one little finger in the small of my back, as I peered over the edge and idly wondered what was at the bottom.  Of course, I remembered, later.  Grateful that I didn’t make the leap to find out what I already knew. It’s never good down there.

Back to surrender…..and the vibrational healing of the gongs.  I was subdued after the bath, I went home, I was in bed not long after.  I was exhausted, as if I’d been up for days, and carrying a heavy burden while I walked.  I lay down, sure I would pass out and of course, did not.  Until about 4 am.  I sobbed, I cried, i asked. I lay there numb. I got up and walked around, I sat by the window, I put on my meditation music over and over, changing the cd’s at 2 am.  I asked…please get me off this merry-go-round.  Trusting that it would be resolved to my highest good.  To everyone’s highest good.

So, come Friday, I had to go to work on 2 or 3 hours sleep.  Again, still, I had what I thought was a realistic expectation for Friday night.  But the offer I got, was a long way from the one I wanted.  My gut did a flip flop and screamed “NOOOOOO….” and so, I refused it.  Knowing that my gut is much more tied in to what’s better for my highest good than my mind, which toyed for a second or two with accepting far less than I wanted.  Because it would have given me a little pleasure to accept and then a lot of pain.

Listen to your gut, always listen to your gut.

Last night I discussed the offer….with the one who made it.  But I didn’t cry.  I didn’t even get mad or upset.  I’m not angry about it.  I’m disappointed but I am accepting the reality that it is what it is.  Reality.  And I guess this is the way the universe is working it out in my best interest.  So be it.  It seems that there is really no reason to accept less than I dream of, in this one life that I have.  (At least in this lifetime, I only have this one life….) It seems it is dishonest to my inner being to change myself to become what someone else needs.  (Which I know, I have done that before much more blatantly.)

Well, the story is not ended yet.  It isn’t quite over I guess.  I am willing to ride it out, to see where it goes.  But I’m not afraid and I think I have a more realistic expectation of the outcome.

But damn, I didn’t want to go to Florida alone.  Sigh……

Off of the Spinning Wheel

Posted on by learning to live like water

Ever evolving life, and relationships.  I am choosing for the time being not to be writing about my relationship with S.  I will only say that I think we perhaps hit a turning point last weekend. And this is about me…not him or us.

I have realized how obsessive I have been about our relationship.  I have been unbalanced about it for quite some time.  I was making S my life, instead of giving him a place in my life.  It is too much burden for anyone to bear, to be your life.  As a result, I want to focus on some of the other things that I’m passionate about, while not giving up my passion for him.

Acceptance of what is has not been an easy thing for me.  I have been trying to make sure I am safe, which is a hold over, baggage, from a terrible long marriage.  Too many years lived where I so rarely felt safe.  Even those times that I thought I was, I found out I wasn’t.  It was all, everything, a manipulation.  My ex might make me feel safe for a day, an hour, a week, maybe even a month or two.  And just when I got relaxed and happy, he would pull the rug out, turn my world upside down, with no warning.  Crazy Making.

I apparently expected S to do this too, and he does not. He does not have a manipulative or controlling bone in his body. I realized I have projected my fears onto him, and he didn’t deserve that treatment. He’s not my ex, nothing about him is like my ex.

I feel like I have been spinning around on the outside of a wheel that was started when I was married.  I took 5 years after that was over, and didn’t consider dating.  I wanted to rediscover myself.  After all those years of wrapping my head around someone else, trying to keep him happy, which was not possible, I needed to find out who I was again.

I thought I had a pretty good handle on it, until I met someone I was incredibly attracted to.  Old fears began clawing at the back of my mind, and I wanted to have a relationship that I was safe in,skipping over the part where the relationship just grows at it’s own pace, developing….pushing beyond what he was ready for. I wanted to go from Point A to Point B without traveling the distance.

And suddenly, I saw it.  I saw what I was doing.  I see it now.  And what I realize is, I AM SAFE.  Because I am strong, independent, and have a lovely life of which he is now part, an integral part, but not the whole thing.  I think he is happy about this.  I am happy to accept what he feels able to willingly give me.  I don’t feel the need to ask more.  It’s time really, to trust that the universe has brought us together for a reason, and leave it at that to evolve as it will.  Maybe we will grow together, maybe for a short or long time.  Now…right now, I feel good to have a handle on myself, and trust in myself, and my gut to keep my evolving in a more fulfilling balanced way.

I feel like I was holding on to that spinning wheel with one hand, and let go….just let go.  The wheel still spins I’m sure, but I’m not on it. I may be a little dizzy, lol, but I’m getting my groove back.  Life is good.

A Lesson from a Zen Master

Posted on by learning to live like water

I get an email regularly, maybe daily, from a site called the “Wild Divine”.  Today there was a link to a Zen meditation, which I clicked on to use for my daily meditation.  It was a guided meditation, by a zen master.  I was soothed by his voice, and found myself in a pliable state, non-resistant to his suggestion that our most important task is to enjoy life.

Here’s the link for anyone who’s interested:

That’s something I’ve forgotten, in all my angst over unrequited love lately.  I think that this weekend, without S, I will just endeavor to enjoy my life.  And why should I not?  I’ll take care of my house, which should be a labor of love, since I love my home.  Gonna do things I’ve been putting off for no good reason.  I thought about going to the gym, but instead might go walking with a friend, on an old train track in town.  I might write, I think I might actually work on the book, which I have ignored now for way too long.  I have the fixings to make so much jewelry that lays unused.

I’ll channel the passion I have had for S into my life, and have a passion for it instead.  I won’t not love S, I will just find things to do so I am not spending my time wishing for what I can’t have.  That’s a waste of time isn’t it?  Once you know, you know.  So I have spent some time grieving it, and I’m not saying I won’t spend more, but I won’t lose myself in the grief.

You gotta honor your feelings.  So…I can honor the grief, the loss, the sorrow. But I can’t move in and pay rent to stay there.  It’s good to know that I’ll be ok.  I’m glad that I have done the work that has given me the resources to find a way through this.

Going with the Flow Today

Posted on by learning to live like water

The other night S and I were having a conversation via text.  It was kind of light hearted, flirtatious, easy.  I was getting sleepy and said goodnight, he continued texting, so after about 10 or 15 more minutes, I said I was going to sleep (because I couldn’t keep my eyes open).  When I woke in the morning there was a text from him much later, during the night asking if I was pissed off.

The question itself confused me….I didn’t think I’d said anything to indicate that I was angry or upset over anything.  I was however, feeling the struggle that I wrote about yesterday.  Had been feeling it the night before, though I hadn’t thought it came through in my texts because it was only a feeling then, not yet developed into a thought.  His question, wondering if I was pissed off, kind of propelled it into a thought though.  Thus the blog about “Struggle”.

I didn’t want him to think I was angry,but thought he deserved to know what was on my mind, so I told him.

I have not heard from him since I told him.

Which is, in and of itself, confusing.  If he was going to ask the question, did he not want an answer?  A truthful answer?  I told him of the struggle, I have told  him of it before.  It is not news.  It is a struggle that at times presents itself, I have to deal with it or not.  He also can deal with me and it or not.  I asked for no answers from him, or changes.  Just said that I was longing for something that wasn’t there.  Truth.  He knows it.  I know it.

So, not to hear from him in 24 hours is more than just confusing, considering we normally have an ongoing text conversation all day, and usually a phone call.  What does it say?  That he doesn’t want to deal with it.  That he doesn’t want to know if and when I have issues with the one-sidedness of our relationship.  I don’t know.

And then, I’m concerned that it was bad timing for me, that perhaps his friend who is so sick took a turn for the worst, and that, and me and my issues, and the fact that he had a bunch of family birthdays to deal with yesterday, were too much for him.

And there I am making excuses for him.  Life happens.  I asked for nothing from him when I briefly explained my struggle.  If he was overwhelmed at the moment, I would have expected a “Can we talk about it later?”  If his friend took a turn, he knows he could tell me and I would be there, and shelve whatever I was dealing with until later.

Reminiscent of him blocking me for what seemed to be no reason last week.

Feels like rejection, feels like I am very much more on the periphery of his life.

Feels like I should perhaps take the love I feel for him and redirect it into the rest of the world for the time being.  Once again, it feels like he’s just not that into me.  And really, it accentuates the struggle I have, and it confirms what I feel.

So, in my best Byron Katie voice I will say, “I wish you well S, if that’s what you want. I am a lover of reality, and the reality is that you want something that doesn’t include me.”

My life is rich and full, of friends and family and things I am passionate about.  If S should choose to communicate with me I will be open to it, but I won’t obsess over it, or the lack of it.

It’s all about letting go I guess. Seems I’m being forced into letting go, and I will go with that flow, until the flow changes. Maybe the flow will take me somewhere better, or unexpected.  Who knows.  Just living like water.

Being Intentional

Posted on by learning to live like water

My book club has been reading Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov. It’s a small group, 5 of us. The book has a couple of chapters on intentions, and how important it is that we mindfully set intentions.

I first began to learn about intentions during my divorce. During that time I was seeking any and all information that could help me find my way through the minefield of ending a 40 year relationship, a 32 year marriage, and keep my head centered and grounded, and not get caught up in the vortex of negative emotions that surrounded it.

I’m not sure where or how the idea of setting intentions came to me. But at some point during the divorce I stopped thinking about how things were (scary, lonely, broke, sad, missing my son) and instead thinking about what I wanted them to be (my son with me, in my own beautiful sunlit home). I stopped wishing that my ex would get hit by a bus, and began dreaming about shopping for furniture.

4 years after I started that chaotic process, I had a beautiful home, on the side of a hill where the property is bordered by tall trees, and the sun shines through my skylights and warms my soul. My son and I have been very happy here.

So, I’m proof that intentions can work.

I started with parking places. Driving to the grocery store, or Walmart,I got in the habit of saying “I will get a good parking space. I will get a good parking space.” It has almost always worked. If, driving to work, I set the intention that the day would go smoothly, it often would.

Now….as with others in my book club, I don’t know what my intentions are. I watched Oprah say that after she read Seat of the Soul, she insisted that every show she did had an intention. So what are mine now?

To finish and publish my book, and have at least a few people who don’t know me buy it. To be able to retire comfortably in a warmer climate, and to spend my days making jewelry, writing, reading, performing reiki for people. Near or on a beach, listening to the sound of the waves, watching dolphins, collecting shells, eating fresh fruit and veggies, and maybe, if I really do it right, having the company of a special man to share it all with.

The thing is, I’m blessed with a wonderful life. My divorce was hard, contentious, drawn out, emotional. The same as all divorces. But I was blessed to have a wonderful close knit group of friends who saw me through it. Who helped me grow, who included me always. Like I told a friend at book club, I had a wonderful life the second I left that house where everything was broken down, let go, ad falling apart. The marriage was just one more thing that didn’t work anymore. The minute I was out, friends were at the door with the movers to help me begin my new life.

But back to intentions. Should I be setting them for some loftier goal? World peace maybe?

I think I have to, we all have to, listen to our hearts. To our gut. And follow our passion. Every thought we have affects the whole. Today I saw a video that a Korean woman had set up an experiment to show how her emotions affected water in bowls set out around here in a pattern of sacred geometry. It clearly showed how we our thoughts and emotions ripple outward.

The thing is, it would be easy to set a negative intention without even knowing you were doing it. If, for instance, you wake up dreading your day, thinking about what is going to go wrong at work, it probably will. We had an order at work that just went bad. First we got the wrong product. Then the right product got stuck in customs, then left behind at the UPS facility, twice, extra security scans…yada yada yada. I was saying to my boss, boy when an order goes wrong it really goes wrong.

But did it go wrong because we expected it to? It’s so easy, and is external ego power like Gary Zukov says, to find fault with others and play the blame game and expect it all to go bad. But was it partially caused by our acceptance, our expectation, that it would go bad?

As for world peace….well, I tend to believe that our souls choose these lives to learn specific lessons. And for some reason I don’t think the lesson I came here to learn was how to achieve world peace. But perhaps it was, how to achieve inner peace.

So, for now, I will continue setting intentions for finishing and publishing my book, for retiring where it is warm, for spending my days doing things that are a passion for me, and with, hopefully, someone who I’m passionate about and who is passionate about me.

Sitting With Our Sadness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten in dealing with difficult emotions is to “just sit with it.”  This advice was given to a meditation group I used to go to once a week.  And honestly, that’s often what we would do for an hour or so there, just sit with whatever we were feeling, in the dark, with quiet music playing, or crystal bowls.  The same facilitator would also tell us, “We don’t need to go excavating.  If you don’t know what is making you sad, it doesn’t matter, just allow yourself to be sad, if you feel sad.  Honor that….”

So, I’ve done a lot of that. I’ve sat through my anger, I’ve sat through my sadness. Sitting with it, allowing it to surface, honoring what I feel, not denying any of it. There are no bad emotions, only bad reactions to them.

Those emotions that we don’t allow, and honor, and instead bury, don’t die. They fester, and rot, and make us sick, literally. I believe that years of unhappy living in a terrible marriage contributed far more to my diabetes than issues of genetics or weight. I don’t believe the body is separate from the mind. As the mind tries to hide from the unpleasant emotions, those emotions pop out somewhere physically. All illnesses have an emotional component. This is reason enough for me, to allow myself to sit with my sadness, anger, confusion, and honor that. Generally, when I have sat long enough with them, they bubble up, and then dissipate.

Meditation is part of my daily routine. I meditate every morning, almost, for about 15 minutes. I find the quiet time generally re-centers me, prepares me to stay focused throughout my day. There are times I catch a quick 5 minute refresher during my lunch hour.

Last night I did it again. I have been told by some people that I talk to much, that I should maybe keep my thoughts to myself, and resist the temptation to tell people exactly what I think. Last night, I silenced my voice, and instead I sat with my angst, my sadness, my confusion. I allowed myself to feel it all, in the middle of the night. For 3 hours.

What happens, when you just sit with it, is that generally acceptance of what is comes to you. Last night was no exception. This morning I accept the reality of what was bothering me, I acknowledge that things are not what I want them to be, and I stop my efforts to make them so. I am reminded of Byron Katie, who says things like, “How do I know it’s supposed to be that way? Because it is….”

As water finds it’s way, I will try to go with the flow. It may seem to be taking me from what I want, but generally, it will get me where I need to be eventually. I may meander from the straight line I wanted to travel, but I may find something beautiful and unexpected in the bend in the river. I may end up where I originally wanted to be but with a richer, fuller appreciation of it. Or I may end up somewhere new and fabulous.

We need, I need, to trust that the universe knows our desires and is conspiring in our behalf to make them reality.