Tag Archives: anger’

Wednesday Night Ruminations.

Posted on by learning to live like water

I left work about 6 tonight, 9 hour day.  Stopped at the store on the way home, because my house is so barren after being gone 4 days.  I was eating dinner about 7:45 and the guy I talked to that wants to meet called me.  We talked for a half hour, and it was fun!  We laughed, we related.  We like a lot of the same things.  Including beaches, the ocean.  He told me about a place he likes to eat in a fishing village in Rhode Island.  When we hung up, and I said, I’m looking forward to it (meeting him), he said, “Me too!  We have so much in common.”

So, so far it appears hopeful.  You never can tell til you meet someone, if there’s any chemistry.  I hope there is.

I was a bit angry with S, for not leaving me alone, and trying to manipulate my emotions again.  Creating chaos which in my head, which is his specialty.  (Along with my ex)  But I got over it, by thinking about A, and how he treats me from 2000 miles away, he can make me feel loved and cared for.  He is such a blessing to me, I was wishing that he was here last night.  I think about how I gave up his sweet love for S, God how stupid I was.  But I was lucky, A still tells me he loves me.

S….is full of his old BS.  Maybe I have been a challenge to him, IDK.  But I hope he will crawl back into the woodwork with his bitchy, silent, thoughtless, selfish girlfriend and leave me alone. She’s perfect for him.

Being with my family reminded me how it feels to be loved unconditionally, without games and manipulation, and being used, taking without giving.  And A….who reminds me that I am valuable, to him.  He makes me feel good about myself.  The man I’m going to meet seems to be like A, positive, happy with himself, loves his family the way I love mine. So we at least have the basis of the same values.

I think that because I came from such a dysfunctional marriage, I thought I needed to be with someone who had experienced dysfunction in their life, or they wouldn’t understand me.  I thought I wasn’t healthy enough for a healthy person.  As it turned out, I am, healthy enough for a healthy person.  My basis, my values, instilled in me as a child, are still there, and still what I crave.  I still like people who are outside the box, but not dysfunctional. No loners please.  No one so selfish that they would do what was done to me, and then not leave me alone.

I guess that was the lesson, and lessons never come easily.  Pain is necessary to grow, and the lesson here is that I am not dysfunctional.  And that it doesn’t take someone who has lived with dysfunction to understand me.  In fact, someone who has lived with it his whole life is less likely to understand me, or anyone.

I know I maybe sound angry and bitter.  Well, yeah, to be dumped as I was, to realize that he’s been seeing her since she first called him, and not telling me, to be playing me now….that does still make me angry.  But I don’t care that he’s with her, I see that they are two loner peas in a pod.  Perfect for each other.  A lifestyle that is the last thing I would want.  The very last choice I would make.  Games.  I wish I could find out who gets to screw the other one first.  I could take bets, maybe make some money, lol.

But mostly, I just don’t give a damn what goes on down there.  There are still moments when I wonder why I got treated so poorly, and then I remember that he does the best he can, with his level of consciousness at the time.  I don’t expect he will change.  And I don’t care if he does.

My life is moving on, happily.

How to Keep From Falling into the Abyss

Posted on by learning to live like water

It was a roller coaster ride today.  But, as it turned out…I feel much better tonight about everything.

I had sent that text this morning to him, and another one…yeah, I know, what am I doing?  Then I sent him one saying, just please ignore those.  They are waves of pain and anger washing over me, and you can just ignore them.  A bit later, at 11:30 AM, I got a voicemail from an “unknown” number.  I usually listen to those, in case they are about a credit card, or something….so I listened to it, it was him….

Saying he wanted to talk, but there were no avenues open to him, since he was totally blocked.  He went on to say it wasn’t true that he didn’t care about my feelings….I was crying when I listened because he was that calm sweet man that I fell in love with.  I only listened once, because it was too upsetting to listen twice.  So I didn’t get it all. I answered via text…that I can’t talk yet.  Maybe some day, but not yet.

A couple hours later I went up to my room to change out the closets, and take a nap when I was done. (This was after I spent two hours power washing the deck.)  I was exhausted. I looked at my voice mail, there were two blocked ones, from him.  This time, not unknown, it was his number.  He asked me to get in the car and drive down to the beach (I don’t think he said his house but he might have) and we could talk.  He said at the very least, I could have  “nice day at the beach.”  ??!!  It was far too late to even think about that.  Besides, I don’t want to meet with him.  I can’t…without losing it.  I don’t want to go there with my emotions.

I texted him, and told him what a nice afternoon at the beach would be to me.  And what he suggested was not it.  I told him I would unblock him so he could text, but  to please don’t call, please, I am not ready to talk without breaking down.  Apparently he had read my blog in between, where I said he was like a juvenile 14 year old in texting me to tell me he was back with Betty Boop.  So what I got was an angry text, “Would that be the same texting as the fucking 14 year old juvenile…?”

Yes, I answered.  It would be.  That was a man I adored, breaking up with me like an adolescent, that he had a new girl, and was too busy to talk to me about it.  NOT like a 66 year old man.  It wasn’t texting I objected to, it was the use of it, to devastate me and run and hide.  It was childish, and juvenile, and cruel, and I will stand by that til the day I die.  I also told him, if he can’t own up to the repercussions of the way he told me, we have nothing to talk about.

I have not heard from him since.  I assume he is not going to own it.  I assume he can’t be responsible for his actions.  For the decisions he makes that hurt others, because he has not responded.  He is angry, I could tell from his text, that I  publicly called him a juvenile 14 year old.  I am gonna say, every single person I have told this story to, has responded, wow, how immature. No one needs to hear from me that it was a childish, adolescent thing to do.  What I stated here was the obvious.

I am not supposed to speak the truth here.  I am not supposed to say what is on my mind, what hurts me, what I need to work through.  I am supposed to sweep it under the rug, to pretend it didn’t happen.  Apparently.

So, the end result is, I am not angry.  But I see him more clearly, and see that there is nothing we have to talk about, that he is not the man I thought he was, and is not the man I want.  So, I feel stronger in my resolution to just get through this, and to get over it. Right now, it still makes me uspeakably sad, but I at least see that the path I’m on is the right one for me.

I am leaving Betty Boop out of the equation.  She has nothing to do with the relationship between he and I, or the repair of the damage that was done that day.  She may have been the catalyst, but he is the one who chose the path of devastation with me.  I remember wondering where she was this morning, that he was free to talk to me.  But only fleetingly.  I was glad she was not there.  I was happy I was on his mind, because I missed him so much this morning.  Because I loved him so much this morning.

I feel stronger tonight. I still love him, but right now it is not the debilitating kind of thing it was earlier today.  I would guess I will always love him, but the baseline between us, whatever our relationship evolves into, or doesn’t, is that he has to be able to own his actions.  I don’t have and don’t want a friend who can’t say, I’m sorry.  I was wrong.  I didn’t mean to hurt you.  All of my friends and I have apologized to each other at times, for misunderstandings.  We ALL own what we do.

I want a man who can man up.  I want to be able to talk these things through, not to sweep them under the rug and pretend they didn’t happen.  Not that he wants me anyway.  But even in a friendship, even without the deep-seated love I have felt for him, you have to be able to own what you did.  I have so many times apologized to him for misunderstanding something he said.  I don’t want to hang with a 14 yr old.  I want a full grown, adult male.  If Betty Boop wants the 14 year old, and likes sweeping this stuff under the rug til there’s a lump in the rug and someone trips and falls on their face….she can have it.  It has nothing to do with me.  I would guess it’s one reason he chose her.  I don’t run from this shit.  I don’t bury it so that it makes me or him sick, or the relationship. I will always do what makes me stronger, I will fight the good fight, I will have the hard discussions.  And if I hurt someone, I will do everything I can to make amends. The Sunday before, two weeks ago, we carried on an intimate text conversation, about feelings and emotions, and for the first time I felt like he got me, and could be with me without being defensive. It went on for a couple hours.  It’s a wonderful thing to be able to talk about these things with the man you love.  It’s sexy, it’s a turn on.  And he liked it, too.  He told me at one point in that conversation, “I think you need to tell me that about a dozen more times.  XOXO”  He doesn’t use that, XOXO much.  It meant something to me.  I would have loved to tell him what I said, again and again.

I will tell him, now, since he is still apparently reading my blogs.  It was because I loved you, that it worked.  It was an expression of my love for you.  Love changes everything.

I hope some day he can see that owning your actions, and the fall out from them…is a mature grown up way to deal with things.  I hope some day he will see that pretending it was something other than it was, and didn’t ripple out the way it did, does nothing but ruin relationships, and will make you sick.  The anger he feels at me at this moment, for making him look at it, will make him sick. If he could own it, and make amends for it, he would only free himself, and perhaps (not saying definitely) allow us to at least be friends.  What he did to me….doesn’t make him unworthy.  Which is why I told him even today, I still love you. He is worthy of that because he exists.  But it does keep the bridge burned without any ability to rebuild even a friendship.

I couldn’t go to the beach and pretend that I was happy to see him.  He hurt me, more than I have ever been.  I still cannot have a conversation with him without breaking down, which is why I said I would text, and I know even that may be a mistake.  I don’t know if he even wants to build a bridge between us, for any purpose. It would seem to me that yes, he does., based on his 3 voice mails today.  I could be wrong.  But the foundation of a bridge for any purpose, if one is to be built, will be the ability to own one’s actions and the consequences.  Or it will just fall into the abyss with the first footstep that goes over it.

N.O. W.A.Y. B.A.C.K.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Here is what set me back so far yesterday.

Wednesday night I put up the blog about how far I’d come in 5 days, so far that the realization that I will  never see him again did not hurt.  I was glad to get to a place where that didn’t hurt me.

I forgot, momentarily, that he reads my blog.  I hate that he reads them, it makes me measure my words.  It is like a censor, I don’t feel like I can write down my real feelings all the time.  Especially now.  I am already too vulnerable to him.  He already had proven he doesn’t deserve to hear my story. I was hoping that since he now had Betty Boop and had thrown me out of his life like yesterday’s  trash that he would stop reading them. (I’ve chosen to just write down what I feel this morning, and let happen whatever will happen from putting it all out on the table.)

But he read it. He sent me an email, since texting is cut off to him, saying something like ” You might get carpal tunnel from patting yourself on the back.”  I deleted it, with no response. I would have liked it if he were happy I had come so far in healing from his unfathomable betrayal.  But no, he was a smart ass.  He didn’t like that I was healing.  He prefers me hurting.

I went to bed around my normal time, 10, and read, and then tried to get to sleep.  I was almost asleep when a friend texted me.  When I opened the phone, it opened to voice mail, I don’t know why, I must have accidentally left it on VM. I saw a blocked voice mail, which could only have been S.  I listened (big mistake) to him say, “I don’t know what to say.  I really miss you.”

This is 5 days after he completely and totally devastated me, decimated our relationship. Chose Betty Boop. 5 days after he texted me at 4 am, and followed up with a text telling me he was spending the weekend with her.  5 days later, he misses me.

All I could think is HOW DARE HE?  HOW DARE HE?

Naturally, I didn’t sleep much.  maybe 3, 3 1/2 hrs.

It infuriated me. He was simply playing with my emotions.  A manipulation to make me think about him.  He didn’t like that I could think about never seeing him again and not hurt over it, so he stuck a knife in the wound again, so that I would hurt again.

Cruel.  Heartless.  Selfish beyond belief.

He didn’t say, “I made a mistake. I’m so sorry I hurt you like that.  I’m not with her.”  He just said he misses me.

Duh. Of course he misses me.  I was the one, the only one, in his entire life to unconditionally love him.  Adore him. Accept him.  Ask nothing of him. I knew he would miss me.  He knew he would miss me.  Who cares?  He did what he did, he can’t undo it.  I told him there is no way back from this, when he did it.  There is not.  There is no way back to where we were.  He created an abyss, and whether or not he is happy with his decision, he made it.  We both have to live with it.

So yesterday my anger was renewed.  My healing had to start all over again.  The gaping bleeding wound in my heart, that actually physically hurts, had to begin all over again.  What kind of monster does this to someone?  Does he think so little of himself, that he doesn’t believe he can have any effect on people?  No.  He knows, if he knows anything, that I loved him more than ever at the moment he broke me. He knows what he’s doing.

My posts yesterday were meant to tell him to leave me alone.  I knew that the pain was going to follow the anger, it always does.  I hoped it would be during the gong bath, but it was really this morning.  Apparently I wasn’t ready last night, to accept and deal with the pain.This morning, I remembered how much I wanted to be with him, Friday night. How I sent him a text, telling him I would drive down to his house Friday night, I missed him, wanted to be with him so much. Maybe he was talking to her then.  I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

I have wondered, since he texted me when she left Sunday, and now with the voice mail, if maybe the reunion didn’t go quite the way he dreamed it would.  That maybe once you have had someone really love you, whatever she offered wasn’t enough.  I will never know, I don’t want to know.

I know, that I can never ever expose my heart to him again.  There is no trust, there is only hurt when I think of him.  There is only the knowledge that he can throw me away at a moments notice, first he prison whore, then the bimbo.  There is only the knowledge that he chose the woman who devastated him, over me, the woman who loved him without limit.  And that he was able to make that choice with as much cruelty as possible.  That he could crush me, without a tender word, without acknowledgment of anything decent.  Just telling me what he wanted.

So, does it hurt me to think I will never see him again?  No. It is actually a relief.  A relief to know that he won’t have the opportunity to ever again crush my heart.  His voice set me back to the beginning, made me re-ask all the questions I had realized were not answerable, and that I didn’t even want answers to.  I had to go back and now work myself back to the place where I know that nothing he can say can fix what he did.

If he decided he made a mistake choosing her, so what?  So if it wasn’t the dream reunion, and she couldn’t and didn’t want to fix him, or be accountable for what she’d done to him, so what? And I don’t even know her side of the story, but I know if he did something to her, for which she was getting revenge when she took off on him when he was sick, to actually marry someone she’d cheated on him with, after taking him for all she could, I know that he cannot be accountable for his part. He never can.  And who cares what happened if anything with the reunion?   Because in the mean time, he killed us.  He broke me and he broke us in such a way that I know I am better off without him, and the pieces of our relationship cannot be put back together.  There is nothing there.  He pulverized it, with his cruelty.  I’ve said right along he’d have been happy to have kept us both.  Maybe that’s all his message was. An attempt to keep me on the side while he spends his weekends with her.

Do I still love him?  Yes, I will always love him.  That’s unconditional love.  Do I forgive him?  I was getting there, but now, with his “I really miss you” message, I have to start that journey all over again.  But I’ll get there.  Because that’s what I do.  Hate and anger and pain will kill you.  It is taking poison and thinking someone else will die.

Not right now, though, not yet.  Not since he had to re-open the gaping wound that hadn’t even stopped bleeding yet.

The gong bath helped.  What happened during it was not what I expected, but it never really is. I was in a deep, and very tired meditation.  There was a good chance I’d fall asleep, but that didn’t happen.  My friend led us into the meditation, with the guided imagery of a white light surrounding us.  That light stayed with me, and soothed me.  It told me, literally, that I was beautiful, that I was love, that I was loved, that I was worthy of love.  I visualized S on a cloud with me, and I said everything I needed to say, without anger.  I gently pushed him off my cloud, and thought, hoped, expected I would watch him drift away, out of sight.  Last night he would not drift away.  He just floated around me.  Hard as I tried to energetically push him out of sight, I could not.

Not quite far enough in my healing.  The white light comforted me though.

On the way home, I said out loud, “S, I need you to leave me alone.  I need this to heal.  Please please leave me alone.”  Because his energy around me was palpable.  And I swear, I swear, I heard his voice say, “I can’t leave you Deb.  I can’t”

Could have been my imagination.

When I went to bed last night, I decided to sent him a text saying “You have a tremendous amount of nerve to leave me that voice mail 5 days after you decimated me and our relationship.  I’d appreciate it if you would not attempt any further contact with me. You’ve got your bimbo. You don’t need me.  And I don’t want you,you made sure of that.”

I know that it might not have been the right thing to do. I know that no contact is probably a healthier choice, to just let it all go.  But I just want there to be no mistake in his head.  I want to make sure he understands that I don’t want to hear from him, that there is  n.o.  w.a.y.  b.a.c.k. from what he did.  And I don’t want to have to start this process over every fucking day.

This morning, there is pain again.  I knew it would come, I also know when I have sat with it, and honored it, it will go.  I hope it goes soon.

At least he was silent last night.  For that I am grateful.

As Liz Gilbert always says, “Onward.”

Vibrational Healing. 

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

I have gongs tonight. One sweet hour to myself to process all the crap from the last 6 days. Today I have a renewed sense of anger, to be followed up shortly with some searing pain. Hopefully it will come and go with an 8 gong tsunami. 

I am so tired of this drama. So tired of having my emotions manipulated by a man with no conscience.  I will still be fine never seeing him again. 

Like the Phoenix…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

Day 4.  I am better this morning than I was yesterday morning.  Not as good as last night.  I have let him go, let any desire for him blow away with the emotional cyclone he put me through.  I never want to see his face again, I have deleted every picture so I won’t accidentally come across his face, and have to remember how I loved this asshole.

It’s the treachery, the deception, the idea that he thought it was perfectly ok to lead me on all week, to blow my world apart.  That he couldn’t man up, and tell the truth to me, and let me go when I was asking to go.  Such a narcissist, one of the worst I have ever known.  Worse than my ex-husband, and I thought he was the worst ever.  My ex’s lies were just random, about what he was doing, often stories he made up and believed, that were so obviously lies it was almost humorous.  (Though laughing at him brought on his scary scary temper.)  He never set me up emotionally just to punch me in the stomach, just to knock me down and stomp on me.  He was a sick f**k, but S is so much sicker.

Yes S, it turns out you were much like him, as you said.  You were him, taken to a new level that was past my ability to think was possible.

I have known many people abused as children, though his story was one of the worst.  But he’s smart, he could have crawled out of it.  He used to say he didn’t have a filter.

No, S, it’s not a fucking filter.  It’s a conscience.  You said you were developing one?  That’s a laugh.  Really…you are so full of shit. You like chaos, you like hurting people because you NEVER dealt with your own hurt in a productive way.  So you project it, and you act out on as many people as possible, in as intense a way as you can.  And some unsuspecting person like myself, that just saw the possibilities of you instead of the reality,comes along, you must have been fucking drooling to set me up and watch me fall.

Like you said, it’s your karma.  If you had a belief in anything, that would be ok, but you don’t.  You’re a cold, dead heartless man.  I am so glad to be rid of you.  And not to have lost any more than i did.  You ought to go crawl in a hole and stay there, until sensory deprivation makes you forget everything you know, and you have to be reborn.  Go to the monastery, like you talked about.  And stay there.  Then you can’t continue to hurt people for your own gain. (Yes he used to talk about doing that for 6 months.  I used to laugh, I am thinking the monks would exorcise him before they’d let him in.)

I have my book club tonight, I’m grateful for that.  To be with friends who live on the other side with me will be just what I need.  A has still been beside me through all of this. He texts me all morning, during the day, in the evening.  He still tells me he loves me, and we know it’s just an unconditional love he has, that we will always be good friends. He sends me music, pictures of the southwest. Just being sweet, kind, loving, talking me down if I need it (tho I think I was done with that after the first 48 hours), showing me reality in a kind, but firm way.  He has always turned out to be the blessing in my life.  He is diametrically opposed to S, and I am sure that he was put in my life to make me see the difference between a creep and an angel.  I wish it had been S I cut off for A, a couple months ago.  Not the other way around.

My friend Megan from here has been so helpful to me too.  She and I have so many of the same issues, and we have had a running conversation with each other comparing notes, and trying to understand this sick narcissism.  So the blessings that have come from his treachery far outweigh the pain, and the pain was unbearable.  But the duality is, there is equal joy that grows out of the ashes.  Like the Phoenix, I will rise. I will be better, happier, and more loving.  No stupid man who thinks the darkness is where it’s at, is ever going to have too much effect on me.

PHEW!!!

Posted on by learning to live like water

As the morning wears on, I am asking myself why I am even grieving the loss of this relationship?  I mean, seriously?  This man in unscrupulous, he told me he was bad, but by all that is holy, I never believed anyone could do this to anyone else.  It’s monstrous.  What is there to grieve?  Betty Boop did me a HUGE favor, showing up on the scene, needing to use him for something else.  HUGE.

Thank you Betty Boop.

For two days of pain, I will save a lifetime of any more pain from this man.  There will be no more chances to “take another little piece of my heart, now baby.”  Imagine if this had gone on, if she had wanted to stay married to her “revenge” husband, and he had visited me in Florida?  What terror might he have visited on me then?  And between now and then?

Why would any sane person want anything to do with this guy?  You’d have to be as sociopathic as him, and I have no doubt she is, with her history.  She played him one up, she used him better than he used her.  Two complete losers in my book.

God, I got off easy.  With only a little loss of my dignity, and self esteem.  Thank God, he wanted to be on his own this summer, and didn’t use the summer to suck me in deeper.  Thank God.  Everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?

I am disgusted with myself (but I’ll get over it) for ever giving him the time of day, for ever lavishing the love on him that I did.  For ever thinking he was capable of being a decent human being.  But you know…all I did was love him.  I did nothing evil, or mean, or hurtful to him.

Although, I’m sure when he reads this, he will say I’m crucifying him.  Because he only sees what he feels, he is incapable of seeing what another feels, or of seeing and being accountable for the damage he does to innocent people.

Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll get angry enough at me to stop reading my blog.  I wish he would.  Go on about his business with Betty Boop, I’m sure there is an urgent need for him there.  A new car, a divorce that needs paying for.  Of course, first she’ll have to schmooze him, but I give her credit, on being able to do what she did on his birthday in January of last year when he was diagnosed with cancer, after she got a new kitchen out of him.  Well played Betty Boop.  I’m sure he deserved it.  And he’s right back in for more.  You sure are good at it, girl.

When clarity comes, it comes like a hurricane force wind.   So happy to be free.

PHEW!!!!

Burning the Bridge

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is an old song by Judy Collins.  It was my anthem, when i was in the process of escaping my abusive ex-husband.  But it seems appropriate again, now, with S.  Running…running….For my life.

Image result for Burning bridges

RUNNING FOR MY LIFE

Riding the night train, New York, to LA,
Gonna go and get me some sunshine.
Clipping along t’ward the Colorado Rockies,
Leaving you behind me.

There’s a cold icy wind blowing like a demon
Off Lake Michigan.
I’m going where the weather is warm and the heat off.

You burned me out and you did me in,
You beat me at the game
I can not win.

I’m going where the pace is slower,
The stakes are lower.
I’m running for my life.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up without you.
I’ll curl my hair, and listen to my heart.
I don’t want to hear a word about you,
I’ll do what I care to do,
I’ll do what I dare to do.
I’m running for my life.

I can see the switch man out in the freight yard,
Waving his lights at my train.
Red fir stopping my heart from beating,
Green for driving me insane.
And the rain is pouring,
And the wheels are rolling past that Nevada line
I’m going where the weather is hot,
And you are not.

I played the fool I believed your lies,
I danced till I was nearly paralyzed
I’m gone and going.
I’m running for my life

Tomorrow I’ll wake up without you,
I’ll get a room with windows on the sea
I’ll do all the things I could never do,
You never will find me here
Not a thing to remind me here.
I’m running for my life

Sky’s getting bright with California sunrise,
Shining its light on my train
Drying my tears soothing my fears,
Taking away my old pain.
And the engine’s rockin’ and the wheels are talkin’
About the tracks ahead,
I’m going where the world is new and the past is dead.
You brought me low and you got me high

I laughed so hard I thought that I would die.
I’m leaving you with my bridges burning,
There’s no returning.

I’m running for my life
I’m running for me life

Waves

Posted on by learning to live like water

102

Picture from East Beach, Rhode Island

The anger wave is being replaced
By the wave of complete devastation.
The one that rolls over your body,
And you begin to understand
What drowning is like.
Flooding the body with tears,
The ones that have been stuck in your throat for hours
The ones you tried so hard not to cry,
Because you were afraid
Once you started you may never stop.
The tears that come from somewhere deep in your soul
Accompanied by violent body-wracking sobs
Gurgling up as the wave rolls over you
Filling you with liquid pain
Stealing your oxygen.
You heart screams,
“Let me out,
Bring me to the surface
I’m going to die…
I’m going to stop beating.”

How it keeps on,
I don’t know.
The pain which radiates from it
Disables me.
Completely.

How I want it to be over.
To drown,
How lovely it would be
To be numb enough that the waves don’t hurt me.
Just numb.
No joy, no pain, no nothing.
No him, no her, no me.

To be in a land where nothing reminded me.
No life, only gray, only rocks, only dirt.
Nothing to stimulate a memory,
Or a desire.

It is worse than death.
There is no peace.
In death, I would be reborn.
In this,
only suffering.

Wow, This is So Hard.

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is hard.  Really hard.  I think the universe did me a favor, really, in my head I know this.  I needed something from which there is no return, I needed the bridge to be burned, to begin the letting go. And as my close friends, and my son, have told me, this relationship has been bad since the beginning.  It’s what I said, when, a month ago, he told me she was back in his life.  He somehow convinced me that those words didn’t mean what I thought.  But in the end, they did.  What they meant is exactly what I thought they meant.  He was not just talking to her.  She was back in his life.  I should have stayed with my gut, it never lies.  I knew it then.  I knew it last night, i knew it this morning.

He came here, when I was losing my mind a month ago, a few days after he told me she was back in his life.  He got right in his car and came here.  He told me the night that he said she was back in is life that he wished I’d be happy for him, that was all he ever wanted, when he left a voice mail.   Then when I saw him that night, he said, he meant all he ever wanted was MY happiness. That he thought I’d be happy because I knew he had so many loose ends,questions that had never been answered with her. But when he told me it was my happiness that he wanted,  I cried, and I melted, and I took him to me, and loved him again.  And it was all a lie.  She was all he ever wanted, just like I first thought.  My happiness was not even on the table.  So played.  She must have played him, not wanting to see  him right away.  He was hedging his bets, I guess.  In case she didn’t want him, he’d still have me.

God I am stupid.  As if the words “She’s back in my life” can be misunderstood.

S always said water seeks it’s own level.  Usually it was in reference to me, still being with him when he treated me badly.  But I see the wisdom now.  I could never seek the level he wanted.  I could just not do it, it was so far from what I wanted.  Betty Boop…she wants it. She wants a relationship, at least, from what he told me of their past, where there  is no communication all week, except maybe a “are we on for the weekend?” message, email…and then get together for a lustful weekend.  He thinks that’s love.  Now that someone has really loved him, I wonder if it will ever be the same for him.  If he’ll figure out that sex is not love, but should be an expression of it.  He knew that with me.  Because I told him, those exact words. Now he has the words….from me, to fool himself with her. ]

He chose the level he’s comfortable with.  He was never comfortable with my level.  Too much emotion, raw emotion from me.  Too much truth on the table.  And I could stay with it, physically, emotionally.  I only ran when he made it all about a physical relationship.  Ran.  Told him a hundred times, we want different things.  Go get what you want, I don’t want that.  So…he has what he wants.  He doesn’t have to be accountable, he doesn’t have to acknowledge emotions that are uncomfortable for him.  He can pretend that sex is love, and he can set himself up to be hurt again….I feel bad about that, really, but it’s his choice.  It’s his comfort level, and he has no desire to rise above it.

I still see him, I still feel him.  I know when he’s with her tonight, and tomorrow, he will be held back by the scope of what he did to me.  I hope he is.  I hope he finds he cannot fuck people over that easily.

He should have taken some time off from either of us, and figured out what he wanted, and met with me face to face.  But he’s not able to stand on his own two feet, he’s not able to man up, and face the consequences of the choices he makes.  I deserved so much better.

He says he told me he was no good, that he would hurt me.  I said, so what, that relieves you of no accountability for what you have done.  So what if you know who you are?  You don’t change, and you think I’m gonna write it off?  Make excuses for you?  That’s the most pathetic of statements.  “I told you I’m bad,and I’m bad.”  It implies I should excuse it, because after all he told me he would do it.  Just like he told me about the prison whore, last winter.  When he fucked the hooker as a test….this is just another prison whore.  Just another test for him.  To see…..

He reads this.  He will know what I mean.

Shoudda, wouldda, couldda.  He wrote it all off.  I need to do the same.  Just putting things right in my mind.  Trying to make sense of senseless hurt.  Senseless pain.  Unspeakable cruelty.  And really, unbelievably stupid, ego-centered but self destructive decisions on the part of someone I loved.   Of course, when the ego rules, it is always self destructive.  That’s how the ego keeps power, by lying to the heart.

A month ago when he told me she was back in his life….I was driven by jealousy.  I could not stand the thought of him with another woman.  This time, almost a month later, it’s not jealousy.  If that’s what he wants, he better go for it, because I will never fuck a man over like she did, and if that’s what makes him comfortable, then he needs to be with her.  But how he played me, how he purposefully made me think something else was going on between us, how he manipulated me for his own benefit, not giving a good goddam whether or not his actions would devastate me, that’s what’s unforgivable.  At least for now.  To use another human for your own purposes is the lowest of the low.  She used him…in their last relationship.  I would guess he also used her.  They are both users.  Liars. Manipulators.  They belong together.  I don’t belong with him.

But the pain of what he did to me will take some time to get over.  The way he devastated so easily my emotional landscape.  For his own prurient interests.  And I fucking loved this man, as he’s never been loved before.

I guess this is it for now.  There will be more.

Well-Played. Another Story of Betrayal, but This One is True

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last weekend, the day of the eclipse, I hadn’t talked to S in 2 or 3 days, and was fine with it.  But I thought it was a really sucky way to end a relationship, so I texted him “Are you really never going to talk to me again?”

We texted.  That’s all we ever did.  A torrid texting affair. Why did I care?  Idk, I always saw the good in him, the desire to be good, the desire not to fuck things up.  I once gave him an inner child crystal, because his inner child was so tortured. That day, his whole tone changed with me, as if heard me (thus, the poem “The Gift of Being Heard.)  Well I might have been heard, but I was still fucked over.

All week, we texted intimately.  I LONGED for him, I wanted him so bad.  He talked of doing intimate things with me, alluding to the weekend.  I held back asking for plans, it’s always been the kiss of death for me with him.  He likes to feel he’s driving the train, and that things are spontaneous.  Just yesterday, I sent him intimate pictures of me, because he asked.  But he was quiet last night.  Before I went to bed I asked him “S, is something wrong?  Please talk to me.”  He answered that he fell asleep on the couch…we texted a few times, and said goodnight.  I thought everything was ok.   Just this morning, he texted me at 4 am.

Then, no word.  I sent him one text, but held back….fearful of ruining it.  But then I got this text….

“I don’t know how to deal with this…so I am just going to say it.  I am going to be with someone else this weekend.  I am busy and don’t want to talk about it.  Peace.”

A TEXT.  A FUCKING TEXT.

Well, you all know the wave of emotions that hit you like a tsunami.  Like you can’t breathe, you can’t think, you can’t talk.  My son was in the room with me, and I’d been waiting for my phone to update to go somewhere.  This text was the first thing I saw when it was done.  I managed to say to my son, “Well the phone’s done.  I’m gonna go.”  He was leaving for work soon, won’t be home til later, and will never know what S did to me today.  Bad enough, I told my son last night I’d be going to S”s or he’d probably be coming here tonight. My son scolded me for being stupid, told me that S has made me cry more than his father.  Why am I being so stupid about him?  But all I have to say is that we decided not to, and let it fade.  I haven’t seen much of S for months, my son won’t think much of it, except he’ll be glad he doesn’t have to deal with him.  I am ashamed and embarrassed at how I made excuses for S with my son.  Geezus.  The kid at 23 is 100 times the man S will ever be. He’s a stand-up honest and decent young man.  I thought if nothing else S was honest with me.  I have said so here….that he was an honest and decent man…  If only I could re-write history.

So played.

The thing is, I had hope all week.  I really did.  But I knew…he’s capable of withdrawing on a dime.  I asked him many times in the last few weeks, are you seeing Betty Boop?  Does she want to get back together with you?  He said always that he only talked to her a little, and he didn’t know.  Always.

He played me. Big time.  I loved him so much and he used it, to make himself feel good.  He loved my adoration, the way I was always there. We finally talked around noon, because I told him if he didn’t man up and call me that I was gonna show up on his doorstep, and tell Betty Boop about me.   He said he’d been weighing one of us against the other all week.

And that’s where I got mad.  FURIOUS.  What right does he have, to put me in competition with another woman and not tell me????  Or her??? Who the fuck does he think he is???  Fucking playing God with me. As if I’d have stuck around if I thought they were doing anything more than talking.  What a fucktard.  I am still so angry at that.  Had he chose me, would he ever have told me that I almost lost to her?  Would I ever have known the truth?  He must have seen her, I haven’t asked, I don’t want to know.  (hear Stevie Nicks in the background singing Silver Spring “I don’t want to know….”)

I told him he should have told me.  And her, and let us both make up our minds if we wanted to be in that triangle.  Because I for sure didn’t.  Don’t. Won’t EVER with any man, compete for his attention.  I loved him well, unconditionally, and he repaid me this way?  Thinking that was ok?

He said, she knows about you now.  I said, “Does she know that you asked for a picture of me last night???  That you texted me at 4 AM this morning???”  No…he said.  THEN TELL HER.  LET HER MAKE UP HER MIND.  YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PLAY GOD WITH HER ANYMORE THAN YOU DID WITH ME.

He has called me about 5 times since then.  Because I told him, if I ever have the opportunity to tell her, I will.  (Though I don’t know her last name, so I can’t even look her address up.)  He asked why I can’t just let things unfold.  I said, this is how they unfold when you fuck someone over.  When you play people, when you hurt people, when you use people.  This is how they unfold.

But the universe will make sure she knows.  Besides, I am pretty sure that a woman who left him when he thought he was dying, (he had cancer, and only an experimental drug saved his life, and a philanthropic organization that paid for it but the drug came along after she split, she thought he was dying)  and took him for as much as she possibly could, to run off and get married to someone she’d been cheating on him with, is playing him too.  They deserve each other, and what they get. I told him, that’s all he thinks he deserves, that’s all he’s gonna get.

I am wordy, I have been sending him long texts telling him what a fuckup he is, and why.  And he knows I’m right.  But he’s stuck on this woman that will hurt him again, whatever.  He said, “this is the #1 reason I don’t want you.”  the wordy texts, the righteous indignation.  I said, “OH it’s so much harder to take my righteous indignation than a woman who will leave you when you’re dying, and who’ll take you for all she can, and run off and get married to someone she cheated on you with.”  Yeah, I can see how my truthful words are harder to take.

God he’s a real piece of work.  I sure know how to pick ’em.

I will always love this man’s soul, because that’s what unconditional love is, but I never want to see him again.  I know, I am sure, (he says I’m overconfident), because I know him, I see him, he has told me everything, things that she doesn’t know and I’m sure never will…and I was still there for him, because I could see his soul, that I loved him better than any other person in his life.  I still see his soul, and will always know he is capable of so much more.  But the human that he is…needs to stay clear of me.  Enough heartbreak for one man to accomplish.

I’m gonna get back on that horse and ride.  I haven’t cried yet, I hope I don’t.  I have wasted way too many tears on him, he has broken my heart more often than my ex did.  My ex…didn’t break my heart in the traditional sense.  He became someone I could not love, romantically.  S….has broken my heart, I loved him 1000 times more than any other man.  But I don’t want to cry for him again.  I want to actively pursue someone who can appreciate a woman who can love beyond reason, beyond all measure, both emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

I told him, finally, that he will miss me.  And he will.