Tag Archives: letting go

Betty’s Betrayal

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m home with a glass of cabernet.  My God, the drama today.  S is the world’s biggest drama queen.  Geezus.

Once the drama was over for the afternoon, I thought about all the lies that I had been told.  One stood out to me this afternoon.

You may remember back in September S told me that Betty Boop was back in his life on a Friday night.  Then he proceeded to convince me he just meant that they talked, that’s all they had done.  He sent me a picture of him on his bed alone.  He texted me on Sunday or Monday (it might have been Labor Day weekend) and said he wanted to come up here.  I told him I didn’t want to see him, he’d been with her all weekend.  I had cried the whole weekend. Hadn’t slept or ate. Thank God for my friends and my blog.   Thinking of her in my place in his bed, at the breakfast place we used to go to.  Just cried and cried a river.

He kept saying they just talked.  “Thanks for telling me I was with her.  We just talked.”  Two days later I was having a panic attack, and I texted him “You better get up here before I lose my mind.”  He was here when I got home.  We made love, and after he said to me, “I’m so disappointed that you would think that I would just jump back into a relationship with her after what she did to me.”

I said, your voice mails all said that it’s all you ever wanted, you just wanted me to be happy for you.  He said, I wanted you to be happy.  It was YOUR happiness, that’s all I wanted was for YOU to be happy.

I believed  him, I cried and cried again, and he held me.  So we continued on for another month.

And all the while he had been with her all weekend, all summer.

His lies were so convincing.

I was thinking of writing a blog listing his lies.  But there are too many, and the endeavor would make me sick.  Pathological.

Sometimes I wonder how many other women there were, besides me and Betty Boop.

Not that I care now.

But I feel sorry for her tonight.  She got blindsided by him, just like me.  I know exactly where she is, but she’s worse because he told her he loved her. They have a long history.  And she found out this week he’s been with someone else the entire time they were back together.

Even today, when I talked to him on the phone, he told me he misses me a lot.  I said, “if you love her you shouldn’t even be talking to me!!!!  WTF is wrong with you????”  I felt like, what are you doing?  Trying to hedge your bets in case she won’t take you back? Geezus, as if I’d go within a mile of someone that could look you in the eye and lie like that.

He’s cruel.  He loves her?  He loves what she does for him, just like he loved what I did for him.  But love her? He can’t even face her pain.

If I didn’t put a stop to this, it would still be going on, behind her back. I could not have lived with myself if I let that happen when I had the power to stop it.  I was having a hard time as it was, staying silent, when I thought the first weekend they were together was the one where we broke up.  He swore, over and over, he wasn’t seeing her before.

He lied to me, he lied to her.  He denied the relationship with her to me.  And he hid the one with me to her.  To be denied by the man you love is it’s own betrayal.

For his own pleasure.  He did it for his own pleasure.

I feel so sorry for Betty.  I have been there.  I have loved that man with every fiber of my being, and he knew it. When we first broke up I didn’t think I could ever love anyone that intensely again.   And I’m guessing she feels that way too.  I hope she doesn’t hate me.  I hope she’ll be ok.

It’s all over for me.  The nightmare is over.  But for her it’s just beginning.  I hope she’s strong enough.

Peace out.

 

 

 

 

Bed of Lies

Posted on by learning to live like water

You got away with the first lie.

The others were so easy, weren’t they?

It became fun for you,

To play a game with my heart.

To see how long you could juggle two of us

Before it blew up.

You wanted to be “alone”

“Discover who you were.”

Then when I knew she was back in your life

You were only “talking.”

Yeah, talking while you fucked on Saturday night.

You had already been “talking” for months.

In your bed. Or hers.

And still fucking me.

A week before you pushed me off the cliff

And watched as I splattered across the ground far below,

you said, you were still talking, “a little”.

The lies were so easy,

They flow like dirty water from your mouth.

5 days before you broke me into 1000 pieces,

You told me to forget about the past,

That things can change for us,

“XOXOXOX”

That the future could look bright.

She was out of your bed

About 2 hours.

The lies piled one on the other.

The set up, to shatter my soul was complete.

Even 4 days ago…

“I miss you a lot.

Many times I think I made a terrible mistake.”

You enjoyed fucking with my head

As much as my body.

And for her, one big lie….

That she was the only one.

The light was so bright it was painful

But now, it’s illuminated her path and mine

Away from you

And your bed of lies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Livin’ The Dream

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was one of those days where I slipped backward, by my own hand.  I didn’t have to continue that conversation.  I chose to.  There is a momentary comfort in speaking to him as we used to.  And then there is the utter sadness again as I have to face the fact that we’re just pretending.

Today I look forward.  It’s cold here this morning.  Around freezing.  I hear my furnace go on, burning that fuel oil.  It could be worse.  It’s snowing in Denver, crazy snowing.  Soon enough it will be snowing here.  It will be my last winter.  Next winter, I hope to be walking on the beach, not wrapping up in blankets.  Hoping coconuts don’t fall on my car and dent it.  Hanging out with my sister and my mother and my friends.  Making new friends.  Maybe I’ll have found a new love by then, someone who actually can want me the way I want him.  I’ll wake up and sit outside, with my coffee, and my blog.  Smelling bouganvilla and hibiscus.  I can almost feel the balmy air on my neck.

I won’t be snow-blowing, or raking leaves, or crying about a relationship that would never work.   Maybe by then I’ll just think of him fondly for a moment, and then, smiling, run to the arms of the man who wants me.  For a long time, I thought I’d share it with him, but now, I know, I’ll share it with someone else, who knows what he wants and knows what he wants is me.  I believe it can happen.  I’m excited at the prospect.

I am grateful this morning, for my life.  For my home, for my peeps, for my breath, for my health.  For my dreams….oh this morning mostly for my dreams, which lift me out of the dark doldrums, and living in the past and point me to a future, full of love and light.

 

 

Learning to Love Ourselves

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I have always had a hard time with the concept of self love, until now.  I never felt I should put myself ahead of the needs of others, especially those who needed something from me, that I could provide.

This kept me in a bad marriage much longer than I should have been.  I did his work for him, I took care of him, of our business, of our home.  Eventually, of making the money to pay our bills and keep food on the table.  I got nothing back for it.  It’s of little surprise that when I left the marriage, finally, I was out of love, and depleted.  It’s of little surprise that I tried to fill the hole with food, and when I left, weighed about 40 lbs more than I do now.  It’s of little surprise that my heart used to pound in my chest so hard every night that I was afraid I’d have a heart attack in my sleep, and prayed every night not to let that happen, not to leave my son with my ex as his only parent.

It would have been the same with S, because I was giving myself to him, unconditionally, unlimited.  I did try, but not hard enough, to leave him when I began to feel that same emptiness.  But unlike my ex, S would give me an emergency fix and offer up a small bit of himself, and make me feel like he wanted me around, and I’d buy into it.

I realize now that I was not loving myself in either case, that I was just finding a way to keep giving of myself.

Loving ourselves does not mean that we think we are great.  It does not mean that we give our egos free rein over our thoughts and emotions.  It means that we dig deep, we find out what we need and want to lead a rich full life.  And we seek that out.

After my marriage I did that, for at least 5 years. I learned to meditate.  I sought out people who were more enlightened than me.  I read spiritual books voraciously.  I thought I had it figured out, who I was, and how to find what I wanted.

My first foray into trusting and loving someone was with S.  Although I knew and had learned well the power of unconditional love, I still had not turned that love inward.  I still did not ever put myself and my needs first.  I offered it up, and for some reason, felt it was ok if I didn’t get it back.  It wasn’t.  I was already depleted when the Boop came back into his life.  That incident cracked my heart open and took what was left and spilled it out onto the ground.  What could she give him that I didn’t? Why?

The answer was she gave him less, not more.  She wanted less from him, not more.  She was satisfied with less from him not more.  I get it now.  I get it.

Since then, in the last 6 weeks, I have realized that loving yourself means not giving up your dreams.  It means you honor the emotions you feel, you don’t act out on them, you feel them.  You honor them.  You live through them.  You find a way to grow from them.  Use them like the rain, to grow into something beautiful.

I learned that anger is only a mask for pain.  I learned that hate is only a mask for fear.  The fear is that things will now change, you will have to start over, you may live your life out without ever finding the love you want.  Which makes us so willing to accept even small bits of what we want, it’s better than nothing, right?

No.  It’s not.

This is where trust has to enter.  We have to trust that our lives are unfolding as they should be.  That the rich full life and love that we seek will come to us.  We have to trust that when we open the space in our hearts by letting go of people and relationships that are not working, the universe will fill it for us, with what we are dreaming about.  Simplified, it is the law of attraction.  Like attracts like, it’s a scientific physical law, and also applied to energy, emotions, relationships.

In my life, at 40 years old I dreamed I would have an amazing beautiful baby boy.  He was born on Cinco de Mayo in my 41st year, 10 lbs, 15 oz.  22 1/2 inches long.  Today he is 23, 6’3″, athletic, and focused, and kind, and loving and has been the light of my life since the day he was conceived.

All during my divorce (which took me 4 years to complete) I dreamed of owning my own beautiful home, and having my son with me.  That’s all I wanted.  And 4 years ago, I bought it, and my son had already been with me a long time.

What you dream of will manifest.

But first, you have to love yourself.  You have to believe you are worthy of an amazing life.  Of love and belonging.  Of whatever it is you dream of.  I am re-engaging with my dreams, and letting go of trying to make what was always untenable work.

I still will keep a place in my heart for the child who drives that riverboat, but it’s his journey to get it down the river, to steer through the deep and get wherever it is he’s trying to get to.  My path leads away from him now.  And I’m ok with that.  In fact, I am looking forward to moving toward the things that I want.

I’m learning to love myself, and honor myself, and my dreams, and I think that it has a lot to do with learning to live like water.  The journey to source, to ourselves, to becoming more authentically ourselves, is not always easy.  It doesn’t always flow.  It get blocked, and requires work to unblock it.  It requires us to at times make a new path, at times wear the bedrock away.  It requires us to trust our guts and the universe, knowing that the intent of one is the intent of the other.

Making Heartspace

Posted on by learning to live like water

Got my new computer, and partly set up.   So glad to be back on line, but I’m not used to this keyboard yet, lol.

I never heard from S.  I guess he’s not talking to me.  I sent him a last message asking if he’s really never going to talk to me again.  I said, I loved you so much, please don’t do this.

But apparently he’s going to.

I had stop at the store and get cream for coffee in the morning, and I’ve been a little sad all afternoon, once I realized I was checking my email incessantly for a message that wasn’t going to come.  But when I left the store, I had a little heart to heart with myself, and realized that I don’t want to get back with him, I don’t want to have sex with him, I just wanted him to be in my life on some level, maybe because I’m used to having him there.  I will always love him, always miss him, but he’s got to travel his path, whatever it is.  I would have liked to see him once more, just to maybe smooth over some of the really hard parts, and let him go on a positive, or more positive note.  But if it can’t be, it can’t be. He did a lot of damage to me, but I am strong, I’ll be fine.  My door will remain open.  I wish him nothing but love.

I got home, and began to set up my computer, turned on the tv and saw the horrible news from Paris.  So sad, so senseless.  The misery that humans are capable of wreaking on each other is just mind boggling.  Fear and hate.  Just so sad.  My heart goes out to Paris tonight.

I left my phone in another room while I was working on the computer.  When I went to get it, I saw that the man I had kind of expected to talk to last night, had called tonight.  He left a voice mail, and said he’d connect with me over the weekend.  I called him back, and left a short voice mail, so he’d know when I’d be around this weekend.  I liked the energy of his voice at any rate.  It seems that he called within minutes of me coming to terms with the fact that S wasn’t going to respond to my messages, and he’s blocked my phone. I’ve known that holding onto S and A would keep my heart closed to a new man who might be perfect.  I don’t know if this man is it, of course, but i do think that I freed up the energy and the space for the possibility.

Love and light.

Turning the Love Inward

Posted on by learning to live like water

Letting go?  Have I really done it?  For the last month, I have thought I had many times, then a wave would wash over me, I would remember his cruelty in the way he dumped me, I would be so jealous that he was with her.  The pain would try once again to drown me. I don’t know, this is different.

I just don’t care.

And I can still say, as in the poster I have on my last blog, that I love the 100 things about him still, and always will.  I feel affection for the memories and the man, I just don’t feel the pain.  I am ready, and moving, on.

Whatever that dream was….I am sure it allowed me to energetically let go, which is what I HAD to do. Our connection has always been so energetic, more than any other way.  I don’t feel the pull.  I don’t feel wrapped up in his energetic energy cords.  My body, my heart, my soul, once again are free to shine.

I still have him blocked, for the time being I will leave it that way.  This is our last text.  You will see how juvenile it is…

last text

When I blocked him, I wasn’t even mad. I was just sick of it.  Sick of the juvenile conversation.  Sick of the bullshit, of listening (or reading) him say whatever was convenient, whatever he thought would change my mind.  Or, having to deal with his anger when I didn’t change my mind, and put the truth in front of him. This conversation had gone on for the entire month since he let Betty Boop back into his life.  I didn’t tell  him I’d call the police because I was afraid, but because I didn’t want to give him any way to access me. I needed it to stop, fully and finally.  It was over.  He pretended to end it, the day he chose her, but he couldn’t really let go.  So I finished it off.

Four days later, as if because there was no other way, he came into my dream, trying to still convince me, continuing the conversation.  Telling him then, in the midst of love-making, to leave….and standing my ground, surprises and now, delights me.  Delights me, because I took my life back, when I was the most vulnerable, I was still strong.  I let go.

I want it to remain finished, so I will leave him blocked.

And I will become stronger and stronger. My light will get brighter and brighter, until it dazzles the man I’m looking for.

Feeling my happy self this morning, the way I was 2 years ago, before he showed up in my life, to teach me this lesson.

The lesson, that I am worthy of love and belonging, that no one can make me feel otherwise.  That people all have free will, to learn their lessons or not.  To set themselves up to repeat them over and over, til they choose to learn them, or to learn them quickly, and move forward.  In the grand scope of things, I am not unsatisfied with the length of time it took me to get this lesson.  It was important.  Unconditional love is not just for others.  It’s for ourselves too.  First.  I loved myself enough to let go.

Halloween Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling a little disjointed this morning, I have so much I want to do today, but it’s early.  It’s Halloween, and my neighborhood is Grand Central in this small town. A friend is coming over to help me hand out candy.  I’ll make dinner, we’ll have a glass or two or three of wine and enjoy the kids.   I was just reminded we set our clocks back tonight, whoo hoo. I guess that means I’ll be waking up even earlier tomorrow, lol.

I am glad I didn’t spend more than a week figuring out Jim was not the guy for me.  I need to let my intuition guide me a little quicker.  I have been saying I didn’t really feel a connection, and trying to allow one to form.  I should know when there’s not one, there’s not one. When there is, there is.  I’d like one that is good, intimate, loving connection but not so intense that I feel the person all the time.  That’s way too distracting.

I realize I tend to be too direct for a lot of people.  I just don’t believe in pretending to be someone I’m not. Especially in the beginning, when just meeting someone.  I am not brazen, not pushy, I can usually get across what I need to say with a smile, a flirt, some humor, some self deprecation, a little funny sarcasm.  But I get it across.

Games are not part of my personna.  You know, where you pretend to be what you think the other person wants.  Or just be untruthful, because you’re unsure of yourself, because you think another person won’t like you as you really are.  Personally, I think games bite you in the ass.  I think they lead to depression, to insecurity.  Control, manipulation.  Because you have to keep up the fake personna to keep the person.  Sooner or later, you wish you could just be yourself. You would wonder why you couldn’t be, why you thought the person wouldn’t care for you if you were yourself, but by then…you’ve lied to them so much, you’ve worked so hard at this fake personna, you risk ending the relationship if you make yourself known, and admit that the person they thought they knew wasn’t you.  Vicious cycle.

Vulnerability is hard.  It’s scary to put yourself out there, not knowing what the outcome will be.  But lying, faking, game playing…is harder.  It will never end well.  At some point the truth will be known, and it will leave you cold, alone, and empty.

I think the thing that shocked me the most about S was that he was playing a game….with me, with her.  with everyone, I think. He was obsessed with the game “Go”, an ancient Chinese game where the point was to have no losers so that everyone saves “face”.  I always said, look if I screw up, I don’t need to save face.  I need to own it, and change that about myself, and make amends for any damage I did.  Save face?  A mistake is just a mistake if there is no lesson learned.That’s the bullshit about shame.  We all have it, the point is to learn from it, and use it as a tool to become a better person, and raise our vibration.

I know that the fact that I kept allowing S into my life after all the crap he pulled on me was starting to damage my relationship with my son.  What a mistake that would have been, to trade off my relationship with my son for S.  Another bullet, that would have literally killed me, dodged.

It just occurred to me, that my ex, who obviously didn’t think he was lovable because he grew up in a family where love was a reward, not a fact of life, felt he had to manipulate and control people to keep them in his life.  He truly thought that if I professed to love him, which I did, it meant that I was either a.) stupid or b.) wanted something from him.  I think perhaps the same was true of S.  Because it is an innate human condition to want to be loved, but when we are taught at a young age that we are not lovable, we learn not to trust it.  To see it as another manipulation, since in an abusive household everything is a manipulation. My ex’s father was physically and emotionally abusive, his mother was passively abusive, she didn’t stop his father, and used the threat of him to keep my ex in line and in fear.  S had the same situation.

S says I can’t let go of my marriage, that I talk about it all the time.  Well, yeah, I do talk about the things I learned from it.  It was the experience from which I learned the most in my life.  I spent the first 5 years of freedom trying to understand what happened to me and my son, and undoing the damage.  I realize that the wisdom I gained from that search, might be valuable to someone else.  It has nothing to do with the marriage, or letting go of it.  It has to do with life lessons, and learning, and sharing.  I know for a fact that sharing the wisdom has helped others, when I was active in an online community for abuse survivors.

I couldn’t convince either my ex or S that they were lovable just because they existed.  It’s water under the bridge now.  I need to find someone who already knows it.

I was watching Amy Schumer on HBO last night, after my boring date.  She just cracks me up.  I love her honesty, and she’s hilarious.  She reminded me of how my relationship with S used to be, open, funny, physical, flirty, honest….  Watching her just made me laugh, and remember part of my life.  I didn’t get sad, or upset.  I know S is not that guy all the time, I know he morphs into another person when he’s with a woman that probably wouldn’t find Amy Schumer funny. Or if she did, she would think she was outrageous, and that no one is like that.  Not knowing that S was for 18 months with a woman pretty much like that, though not as funny, lol. I know he and I both thought she was hysterical.  Real.  She’s very real.

Well, whatever.  I’m sure there’s a man out there who would appreciate and enjoy an open, honest, monogamous, sexy woman, and is open to falling in love, and monogamy too.

God, I sound a little needy.  I think I just miss having sex, lol.  Nah…I need a connection to have it.  I’m just longing for that connection with someone.  I’ll find it.

Small Steps

Posted on by learning to live like water

I tried sleeping without an Ambien last night.  Fell right to sleep, woke up 2 hours later and was up 2 hours.  So, I’m a little tired today.  I’m good though, I’m really ok emotionally today.  I have been doing the Ho’oponopono a lot, and it really helps me to stay centered and grounded.  Just say it while I’m walking around the plant at work, or driving.

A friend at work said to me yesterday, “You still care for him don’t you.”  I admitted that yes,I did,but it’s the only way I can let go, is with love.  She said, “Its that connection isn’t it.”.  Yes.  I told her that right at that moment, I could tell her what he was feeling and it’s really hard to ignore that.  She has been married 40 years, and adores her husband.  She said, “I’ve never had a relationship like that.”  I told her “Me neither.  I don’t even know what to do about it, but to try to just learn to deal with it, and go on.”  So that’s what I do.  If I get an intense “knowing” of what he’s feeling, I have to remember it’s not my deal now, I can’t let it affect me, and I go on.  I have to consciously make an effort to change my thoughts when it happens, and get engrossed in something else.

I’m learning to do that.  When I woke in the middle of the night, I thought of him for a moment, but then much more about Jim, the man I’m meeting for lunch today.  And that was not purposeful thinking, it’s just where my mind drifted.  I’m looking forward to seeing him today.

So onward.  Small steps every day toward healing.  Toward a healthier life.

Not Ready for Prime Time

Posted on by learning to live like water

Been thinking a lot about Jim, the guy I’ve just met and having lunch with tomorrow.  I like him, he’s a good guy.  But honestly, he’s jumping in with both feet and I’m just not ready for that.  I am flattered by his attention, and his desire to spend time with me and talk to me.  He called me at lunch, he bought a smartphone today, mostly so he could take pics and check FaceBook now that we are friends, and text, though we’ve not done that yet. He called m on my lunch, he called me tonight. I am holding back, big time.  I am just not ready for an intense relationship, it hasn’t even been a month since my world disintegrated and I’ve had to try to rebuild it.  I invited my cousin over tonight to just talk for awhile tonight.  Partly because she had some real stuff she needed to talk about, party because I wanted to have a legit reason to not talk to him too long.

So tomorrow at lunch, I am going to explain to him about S, and how the relationship break-up is fresh, and I need to move slowly.  We’re going out to dinner Friday.  My bff can’t come over on Saturday to hand out candy.  But I asked a couple other friends to come too.  I thought about asking Jim, but I don’t want to invite him to my house.  That would just send the wrong message, not what I want to do.

In the meantime, A has continued to be my rock.  I swear, I don’t know where I’d be without him these past 3 weeks.  He’s gentle, and loving and compassionate.  Even from 2000 miles away.  There is not a mean bone in his body, even when he’s been rejected big time, when I blew him off for S  last spring when I came home from Florida, he never stopped loving me.  Just the same way I will always love S. A always has welcomed me with open arms.  Though this last time, he said, “No more disappearing acts, ok?”

Today was a decent day.  I have some clean-up from the break-up still to do, little odds and ends that I want to take care of that will keep me on track.  I had bought the song “Comfortably Numb” by Pink FLoyd over the summer, when I discovered it, one of the times that S disappeared on me (probably with BB, though I have no idea really).  Later he said he felt I “stole” it from him, that it had a lot of meaning to him.  Stole it?  That was just stupid, I didn’t even know about it til I was googling pictures for that exact phrase “comfortably numb”.  I just felt that way because I was drinking wine every night for 3 nights until I was numb, “comfortably numb”, because he had disappeared without a trace, and I thought he was really really sick, and was terrified for him.  I want to delete it from my play list now, because it reminds me of him, and the darkness that he slid back into and allowed it to break us up.  The song is really too dark for me.

There is a book he gave me, that I sent back to him a couple months ago when I was sick of the bs, and got my own copy, called “Jitterbug Perfume.”  It seems to be a funny, off-beat book.  I liked what I read of it.  But I’ve tried to pick it up since my world was turned upside down, and it’s my own copy, but it either infuriates me to read it, or makes me cry, so I need to bury it away somewhere to read another time.

Stuff like that, stuff that I’m ok about until, without trying, it jumps in my face. Little things, that I need to get out of my life, even the periphery.

Well I didn’t too so well not writing about him, but better.  I’m ok tonight.  I’ll be even better tomorrow.

Love and light all….

Consciously, with Love and Gratitude

Posted on by learning to live like water

I made a decision today, this afternoon, to consciously let go of the pain and heartbreak.  In order or me to be true to myself, I have to stick with my values, the idea that is the basis of who I am, my center.  It is a belief in the power and the importance of unconditional love.  I will let S go, with love and gratitude.  I will not become bitter, I will not be angry, I will not berate him, I will  not judge him.  I will love him, always.  But I will move on, and wish him peace.

A few months ago, he wrote a poem, called “Night and Day”.  It was about us, and how different we were, how we could never occupy the same space.  I posted it, but then took it down, because I wanted to keep it for myself.  It was sad, but real.  I hung on anyway.  But he was right, all along.  Our relationship was the beautiful dawn, and dusk, when the sun and the moon complement each other and set the sky ablaze.

I loved loving him.  It is really none of my business if he loved me or not, though I suspect he did in his own way.  He hated vulnerability, and could not put himself out there the way I could.  Our life experiences were opposite of each other.  But I love the man, his humor, his quirky way of seeing things, his intelligent off-beat brain.  I loved going to the beach with him, though it was always in winter, when it was cold.  We would have endless stretched of beach to ourselves, and took advantage of that when we could. There were many months that went by when we never had a bad moment.  Those are what I take away.

I have always put myself out there.  I’ll risk the pain of rejection, and really, in all my years this is the first time I’ve experienced it, because I’d rather risk that, than risk having regrets for not speaking up, not offering myself completely.  So, there are really no regrets here.  If he has any, I don’t know, it’s none of my business.  I have gone back to the light, he has receded into the darkness that he loves.  He feels safe there I think.  I get that.  I only feel safe when I can see, or when I love.  I never was any good at hiding.

I’m going to try to make this my last post about him.  I am going to try to write more about other things that are important to me, that drive me.  There may be a new man in my life, I don’t know yet where it’s going to go.  But I want to give it my energy, instead of hanging onto a relationship that was never going to work.

I sent him an email today, I said what I needed to say as lovingly as I could, and said goodbye.  I am glad he was in my life.  And now, I am determined to find joy in the divergent path.  In my mind, the relationship really ended last spring.  Alternately, we each tried to hang on to the parts of it we liked but they were never the same thing.

Day and night.  Night and day.  Can’t have one without the other.  Peace, S.  Love always, all ways.