So, I’m thinking about sewing. I have a bathing suit that the plastic underwire has popped through the material that needs to be sewn. It’s a fairly new bathing suit, so I certainly don’t want to scrap it. And I only have one other that fits now. I lost enough weight that the butt in my other old ones make me look like I’m carrying a load. So, I think I threw them out, so I wouldn’t be tempted to wear them anyway. Since I’m at my sisters, I know she will have a needle and thread. I used to have a sewing kit, but didn’t bring it with me.

My mother taught us all to sew, before we even took home ec, which was a required course when we were in jr. high school. Even though we bought some of our clothes, it was much more normal that when we wanted a new dress, we’d go find a pattern that we liked and fabric and sew the dress on my mothers ancient Singer machine. When Cabbage Patch dolls came out, Mom had 3 young granddaughters and knew they all wanted one, but they were expensive. So Mom made each of the three little girls a beautiful doll, complete with the little certificate that came with them. She was a pretty amazing grandmother, as well as mother.

I am missing my herb garden that I had at my old house. I especially miss the lavender. I loved sitting out in the morning, and having the breeze waft the smell up to the deck while I sat out in the morning. I have considered sowing seeds in a pot, but really….I’ll probably just by a starter plants. I have a place I could put a few pots, and if I have separate pots for each herb, one of them won’t take over the garden. My lavender, and the thyme and the lemon balm really used to fight for the space. I’d like to have rosemary, thyme, chives, parsely, basil, and maybe sage. I am not that good at sowing seeds, and getting the plants started from scratch.

So, this Saturday, I’m prompted to write about so/sew/sow and apparently I had plenty of thoughts about them.

Love and light, everyone.

This was written for Linda G. Hill’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday writing prompt. The prompt this week was so/sow/sew. If you’d like to participate, (and it’s fun!) please go to her page https://lindaghill.com/2017/02/10/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-1117/ to get all the details!

Looking for answers
I asked too many questions.
Answers changed nothing.

Still wanting answers
I searched every corner
In my quest to know.

What I discovered
Were answers unknowable
The point was still moot.

Moot. Debatable.
Arguments are not my thing.
Some things don’t matter.

by Deborah E. Dayen

This post is a response to the SoCS, Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt from Linda G. Hill.  If you would like to join the fun please visit her website for more information and the rules of the prompt at https://lindaghill.com/2016/12/16/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-1716/

Sometimes my functioning is at the bare minimum, barely working. Every morning, I get up, go make coffee, and God forbid don’t ask much of me until I get that first cup down. Waking up, seeing the sun come up with first a half an eye open, then one, then both.

Now functioning enough to check on my WP stats overnight, check my email, flip through FB and see what my friends are up to. I pause. Now I am awake enough to do a morning meditation. I search through my saved sites, through the apps on my phone, looking for a guided meditation that will work like a bear to see me through the day.

Lots of choices. Lots of peace available.

Now, my soul is laid bare, to me. I accept what is, I stop longing for what was, I live in the moment. Thoughts run through my head, but don’t stick, I just observe. The sun pours through my windows, and lights up my life. My meditation ends, I am like the bear coming out of hibernation. A little groggy, a little hungry, but rested. Content that life is moving as it should be, under the direction of the Universe, which I suppose is my particular term for God.

Meditation brings me to surrender, and really, that is something a bear is not thought to do, but even a bear knows when he cannot control a situation and will leave it alone. I am content, at the moment, to allow the Universe to work in my behalf. Let go, let go of the controls.

This post is part of the Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt by Linda G. Hill.  The prompt this week was bare/bear.  If you would like to join in, please go to her page https://lindaghill.com/2016/12/09/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-1016/  for the rules and instructions.  Thank you Linda for the challenge today.

I’ve been in and out of so many things in my life. How do I pick one to write about? Oh, it’s stream of consciousness, I don’t have to pick!

Court….I was in and out of family court so many times I couldn’t even hazard a guess how many times. Enough that the bailiff knew me. Enough that another attorney asked me my attorney’s schedule that week. When I said I didn’t know, he (or she, can’t remember now) asked me “Aren’t you her assistant?” No….I’m just a client. Probably paid her assistants salary that year. Well, I didn’t, not exactly. My ex did, as in the end, the judge disliked him enough not to take the money he advanced my attorney out of my settlement.

Enough so that when I ran into close friends who were getting divorced without an attorney, I was able to enlighten them as to the way the family court worked, and send them to get help with the paperwork.

That’s being wayyyyy too familiar with the court for a lay person.

Before that, I was in and out of my marriage. I say that because I tried to leave him twice before I was actually successful. I have actually read that the average number of times it takes to leave an abusive marriage is 7. So I was ok with 3. Each time was a learning experience. Emotions, mine and his, that I had not anticipated, showed up each time. Each time I was unsuccessful, I was more prepared the next time.

And a love relationship. In and out. One man. In and out. I called it push/pull, because it more aptly describes the roller coaster he set me on, even long after we were officially over. There were times my arms felt almost out of their sockets with the amount of push pull. I would say maybe he was in and out, in and out. It was intensely amazing, or intensely horrible. I don’t think we should have to balance every happy moment in a relationship, with crappy ones. Happily I am out now, so is he. He’s free to make some one else miserable half the time. I am free to find some one who doesn’t need to do that to make himself feel good. Fuck the push pull. Fuck the roller coaster. Fuck in and out in a relationship.

Next time, I’ll find someone who wants to jump in. And stay there. Happily I’m in a place now where there are certainly possibilities.

Doctors offices. Geez. I have been in and out of the doctors office more in the 5 weeks I’ve been here than I am normally in 5 years. Hopefully that will all smooth itself out and return to normal soon.

I am in and out of my house here a lot. Looking for things for the house. Going out with friends. Usually getting in and out of the house includes getting in and out of my new car. Which surprises everyone with it’s amazing head and legroom, since it is such a tiny car. I’m not in and out of gas stations as much, partly because I am retired now. But also 40 mpg helps. And when I did fill it, the only time I have filled it, it had about 1/8 of a tank left, and took 8 ½ gallons. Nice.

I guess we are all in and out of things our whole lives. I’d like to learn to choose the door I want to go in and just proceed. Not go in and out of it 100 times. At least, not on my overall life’s journey. I can’t stand indecision. I push myself, and those I’m involved with to be definite, to figure out what they want and let me know. I’ve been known to ask the question no one wants to hear, just to get unstuck. Like they say, you don’t always hear what you want to, but you do usually hear what you need. There’s a lot of freedom in the truth. I’m an Aries, known for our independence, and for moving things along. Anything from a trip to the store, to a love affair, to ending one.

To a blog ending. Love and light, all.

This post is part of the Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS) writing prompt from Linda G. Hill.  If you are interested and would like more details, please visit her site at https://lindaghill.com/2016/10/28/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-2916/

My niece used to, 20 years ago, model for Elite Modeling Agency. They were a big name in that industry then. I have no idea if they are now. But we used to look at her and wonder how we got someone in our family that looked like her.

And then we remembered…..how awkward she could be. Trip over her own feet. Or a chair she was about to sit in. She was a good sport, she always laughed harder at herself than anyone else laughed at her.

I’ve found it awkward in my life to not be able to speak my truth. My friend here, Pat, has had an online relationship with this guy who purports to be in the service, who has a couple of times told her he’s coming home to the US, to see her. Promising her a relationship, a future. (So far he’s not asked her for money, and she has none to give him even if he did.) She wants so badly to believe him. I am pretty sure it’s a bunch of bullshit. He’s supposedly gonna be here in a few days. I am pretty sure he will come up with some grandiose scheme as to why he suddenly can’t. Or will disappear. He will break her heart, but I can’t say this to her. I can’t judge, and besides the heart will do what it’s gonna do. That’s one thing I’ve learned for sure, against all odds.

So it’s awkward, to hear her talk about him, and what he’s promised her. So awkward. So hard not to shake her and say, “What are you thinking?” I just tell her, I hope it all works out the way she’s dreaming it will.

So how do we deal with awkward? I think it’s by not judging. Trying to be non-judgmental is not always easy. But, it gets easier with practice. We never know what burdens someone else is carrying, that make them say or do things that might be awkward to reply to, in truth.

In the case of my friend, I’ve known her 50 years, but there’s a huge gap where we were out of touch. Still, I know where she came from. And how hard her life has been. I don’t want to see her hurt, but I also don’t want to throw rain on her parade. I mean, what if he’s telling her the truth? I told her, “you can’t know what the future is going to bring, but if he makes you happy now, just go with it.” And she is. She even asked me to take her to the airport to pick him up. I said I would….a promise I’m sure I’ll not have to keep.

There are awkward silences, when you know something should be said, needs to be said, but is not for reasons unknown. It’s awkward, because there is no opening for the truth, when there’s no communication. There is no opening for understanding, when there’s no communication. Yet, usually an awkward silence is shared by two people who care for each other, but fear of vulnerability has closed a door, or maybe built a wall.

Some awkwardness is easy, like my nieces, to deal with. We all laughed, we never judge in our family, we only love. Some awkwardness is hard, like that the ongoing issue with my friend. But I can only love her, and not judge her for being foolish with her life. An awkward silence? Yes, deal with it with love, and non-judgment, and trust the universe to figure it out.

Awkward is something everyone is, and everyone deals with. Remember to love yourself and the others. Remember not to judge yourself, or the others.

And trust….that it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

Love and light, all.

This was written for the SoCS (Stream of Consciousness Saturday) prompt, which this week is “awkward”.  To find out more about this prompt, please go to Linda G. Hill’s website page https://lindaghill.com/2016/09/30/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-116/