Second Place Dreams

You visited me last night
In my sleep.
It’s been a long while
Since you found your way
Into my slumber.

You woke me up,
and tormented me
With the memories,
and the future
And the lies
and the truths.
I was still in second place.

I miss my sleep.
But there you are.
I can’t stop you from coming here.
Lord knows, I’ve tried.

Your deep gravelly voice
talking low and quiet in my ear.
Your hands
Wandering hands,
heating up my skin.
Your eyes,
Piercing through the darkness.

I asked you to go away.
I wanted to sleep
A blissful sleep,
Devoid of you.
But it wasn’t what you wanted.

No.
You wanted that part of me
That no one else will give you.
Just to take, just to have.
Returning nothing to me.
Like a security blanket
You wanted to know nothing’s changed.

Nothing will change.
Ever.
Doesn’t mean I want you in my dreams.
They are false dreams
Of things that won’t happen.

It’s a mindfuck really.
It’s all it is.

Morning breaks,
I see it for what it is.
I don’t cry, I am not happy either.
I just move on,
Away.

Like the Pink Floyd song
“There is no pain, you are receding.”
You’ve been receding for quite some time now.
I can still see you though.
I can still feel you though.
It’s out of my control to stop it
It’s the way it is.

Second place doesn’t suit me well.
Not even in my dreams.

An Open Heart

I’ve been driving around in my new tiny car today, it’s kind of fun. I’m not driving quite so slow. I went to my friends house, to sit with her while her heart broke. Which I knew was going to happen, but I love her, I would never tell her I told you so. She’s suffering, but it’s for the best. It is a sad story. I wrote about her before here…some online affair with some guy who tells her he’s in the service, a branch of NATO forces. I know it’s a scam. She believed every word. He has broken her heart, as I knew he would, and it’s almost blackmail, it’s unconscionable what he’s doing, yet she still believes him, and I can’t seem to find it in me to disabuse her of the notion that he’s real. Because she has nothing to lose to him, although she’s already lost money, I found out today. That happened before I got here and was up to speed with what was going on. She’s so broke, and she gave him all she had. Which gratefully wasn’t all that much, but it was a lot for her. I am praying that he will disappear since she has no more to offer, and she can keep her fantasy that this man loved her. And not lose any more to him.

I felt a little sexy today, so was showing a little cleavage, lol. A cami with a shirt over it. Nothing inappropriate. My friend’s neighbor across the street happened to be walking by her patio while she was out there, and she invited him in. He’s a nice enough guy. From NYC, still talks like it, lol. So the three of us talked for about an hour. Then she and I went to Walmart, to pick up some art supplies there, for her.

I dropped her off after Walmart and there was her neighbor, out by her car. He stopped and asked us to breakfast tomorrow. My friend said, “I can’t, I’m leaving for St. Pete early, to go to my daughters” So he looked at me….Which I think was his whole point. I said, “I already have plans for tomorrow morning. But thanks anyway, that’s nice of you.” He was pressing it, wanted to know if we couldn’t ALL go out for breakfast with me tomorrow. My friend reiterated she could not. I said, “Thanks so much, but I can’t. I already have plans.”

And I do. I’m going to brunch at our favorite spot, Mangia’s. With another girlfriend. He was totally completely not my type. In fact, I was bored to death with his endless banter how he tells of how he tells off telemarketers. Yawn. But it was an offer of a date. First time. Hopefully the gates have opened. I know my heart is open to it.

Open heart. Open mind. Love still, and always.

Love and light.

Benefits of a Weird Dream

I had a dream last night, that just creeped me out. I was up in the middle of the night, looking it up on Dreammoods.com.

It turned out to be quite a telling dream. Showing me that something I was doing had not been sitting well with me, and that I’d done the right thing regarding it recently. Also that I was giving it WAY too much time and attention. It was crazy, and way too personal to put up here. But it was well out of my normal comfort zone, and now I am getting back into it.

The point is, if and when you have a creepy dream, as we all do at least occasionally, rarely even, look it up on dreammoods.com. It all made so much sense to me, and totally related to my life, and showed me that I’m back on the right path again.

Not the first time that trying to interpret a weird dream has helped me.

Time to get on with my day. Onward.

Love and light.

Behind the Screen (SoCS)

the-screen

A screen,
Like a veil
To rest behind.
A partition that allowed
Thoughts to fly,
Or swim
And be transferred
To paper,
To words,
To a canvas,
To art.

A screen
A veil between
The artist and the world
To be pulled back at completion
Of the work.

A screen in his mind
That kept other people out
And kept him safe.
Or was it simply keeping him solitary?

If no one is allowed
Behind the screen
Then no one really knows who he is.
He can be someone different
For every face he meets.

But he also will never find
the place where he belongs.
The arms he longs for
Will never hold him tight
Because they won’t know him
Fully.

He met someone, once
Who saw him,
Who saw through the screen
Easily, on first glance.

It terrified him.
He wove the screen tighter
And tighter,
And made up stories
that kept him safe
So he thought.

She could see through it still.
Always.
Knowing his terror
She left him alone.

Hoping one day
He’d come out
From behind the screen
And embrace himself

Like the artist
Showing his completed work,
Risking vulnerability,
She hoped he too
Would risk letting himself be seen
Fully
Speaking the truth
To everyone
About who he is
What he wants,
What he believes.

Instead of hiding behind the screen
And morphing into someone different
For everyone he meets.

Screens have their place.
They keep the bugs out.
They conceal what we are not ready
To share with the world.

Just, don’t live there,
Behind the screen.

socs-2016-badge

The prompt for this weeks SoCS (Stream of Consciousness Saturday) was “screen”.   This is hosted by Linda G. Hill.  For more information on this prompt please go to her website, https://lindaghill.com/2016/10/14/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-1516/

A Little Progress Every Day

I’m enjoying my wine tonight. Am I drinking too much? I don’t think so. There are still a lot of nights I don’t have anything to drink. Drinking a cabernet tonight. Usually, if I want red it’s a Cabernet. If its’ white, it’s chardonnay, sometimes pinot grigio. So cabernet tonight.

Today was a good day. I went to the doctor and got a therapy treatment. As I left the house my younger sister called, and I haven’t talked to her for so long. I talked to her til I got to the dr, and then called her back after and talked to her all the way home. Just under an hour. She kind of wants to come down here in February. I told her, she picks the day and my older sis and I will work around it, lol. She has first pick. She’s like me, looking so forward to just being able to hang out with each other. We are all best friends, really best friends. I can’t wait for my older sister to get here in a couple weeks. Maybe not even quite that long. I’m going to go over and fill her fridge and clean all the dead bugs out of her house before she gets here.

When I got home from the dr, I managed to get up on the wall 9 family pictures. It is so nice to look at that wall and see family. These were mostly my parents, some old pics of them, their wedding pic, and my son. One of me when I got engaged. They are on the wall on the short entry into the kitchen. One of them is a portrait of my mother from about the time she met my dad, which she gave to her father, and signed it, “To a sweet dad. Love June.” It’s so cool. The frame though was really old, original. And had nothing to hang it by on the back. So I got the box that holds all my jewelry stuff, and found some wire, and some wire cutters and fashioned a way to hold the wire to the frame, and got it hung. It’s a beautiful picture of her. I have a few more, of the whole family, including sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. to put on the wall directly opposite. Both walls are short. Works out perfect. Lots of measuring involved. Lol. But I did it.

I’m trying to get something accomplished every day on this house. Tomorrow, Idk. I may go buy a rake, so I can rake the back yard. I can’t wait to have a small table and chairs and be able to sit out there in the evening, and morning. I will have to deal with the bugs, but I imagine I can figure that out. I may get the rake and continue on to shop at some of the thrift shops for some of the things I need like a kitchen table, tv stand, etc. My handyman said he’d be back Sunday to finish my fence. Then I’m going to have him do the vent for my washer/dryer so I can buy that.

Onward, onward. No plans for the weekend, but that is subject to change at any minute. There is something going on all the time around here. Someone wanted us to go to a music festival in Sarasota tomorrow, which sounded like fun. But I think we decided not to. It’s a long drive, and we all have stuff to do. Sunday we’ll go for brunch at the same place we went last night, local. A local guy is going to be singing and playing his guitar.

Life is good. Do I want another glass of wine? Maybe…..

Love and light…..

Curveballs

Life sure throws you some curveballs
You know?
Car accidents
and trumpery.
Hurricane misses
And new friends.
Successes that are unexpected
Successes that weren’t even attempted
In any way.
Yet they happened. Happen.
Failures too,
Over things that were not even on the table
As far as you knew.
Or know.

I mean,
I looked at this one thing
And thought,
I guess I failed.
But I didn’t even know it was up
for success or failure.
Maybe it’s just in my own mind.
If it was, is,
Just in my own mind,
I didn’t have all that much attached to it.
Which ever it was, is.
My reaction was, is,
Ok.
Next.

Cheap wine…
If I smoked I’d remark on cheap cigarettes,
But I don’t.
But the wine…
It’s about 40% less.
Taxes….

Money…
Flies out the window with a new house.
But yesterday I got some back
Unexpectedly.
Cool.
Enough to fly my son here
When he wants to come.
More cool.

Some curveballs….
Are good.
Bring you closer to where you really wanted to be.
Even if you didn’t know it.
Some are bad,
And hit you in the stomach.
But I’m betting,
In the end,
They still bring you closer to where you really wanted to be.

 

By Deborah E. Dayen

 

How Retirement Has Changed Me, So Far

I’ve said I don’t really know what retirement is like, because my life has been anything but a normal routine since I retired. Moving my son, packing my house, moving myself, trying to get the house in the shape I want it to be, and then of course totaling my car. None of that encourages a normal life, lol.

But there are some changes I can see.

1. I’m eating much more healthy, without all the snacks in the house that my son wanted around.
2. In conjunction with that, I find myself going to the store more often for food, and buying less, just what I think I’ll need for the next few days. I used to go once a week, and fill the pantry and refrigerator. Because I worked, and I didn’t want to have to stop on the way home during the week.
3. I drive way, way more slowly and cautiously. I don’t know quite what that’s a function of. It is a combination, I think, of not being in a hurry, not knowing the roads so having to depend on GPS, just the laid back kind of life that seems prevalent here in my small little community. Back in CT, speed limits were kind of a suggestion, lol. I drove 80 mph to work every day in the fast lane and had people on my bumper that totally pissed me off. Here…I stay in the right or middle lanes usually, going the speed limit or just under. If I decide to get in the left hand lane, I have to make a concerted effort to keep up with the traffic. It’s weird. I’ve been speeding my whole life, and suddenly, feel no need.
4. This one is still in the process of manifesting, but I’ve always looked at the handmade jewelry in gift shops as being of better than mine, perhaps made by someone more serious about it than me. Now, here in this place full of creative driven people, I’ve received so many compliments on the things I wear, I’m beginning to think maybe my work is better than I thought. At least, that it could be sold alongside what I see in stores. I’ve also met many people who make their own jewelry, and for many, it’s just been a hobby as it is for me. So many, many stores and galleries will sell on consignment here. Not to mention the plethora of artwalks and craft fairs that have space available to rent for very reasonable prices. I have a space in my house designated for the creation of jewelry, though there’s nothing in it yet. I can’t wait to actually finish it off and spend parts of my day making new things.
5. I am going out more, to inexpensive venues, and don’t feel the need to even order a drink. I can have a glass of iced tea, and be quite happy listening to people sing in the balmy night air, just chatting with friends. It helps that the place I went last night and go to a couple times a week, has some really cool teas, like lavender lemon tea, or last nights, cherry cranberry hibiscus tea. So good. Though last night, I had two glasses of wine, lol. Celebrating getting my life back on track, having picked up my new car yesterday.
6. I am able to sleep later, when I stay out later. This is a huge one for me. I have always awakened early. Like between 5 and 6, usually right about 5:30. Even if I was out til midnight or later, I rarely slept past 6. Under normal circumstances, I still wake up around 5:30. However, after a night like last night where I didn’t get home til later and then wrote a blog, I have been able to wake up at 5:30 and go back to sleep until 7. I missed the sunrise, but I am rested. It’s a lovely thing to be able to sleep a little more.
7. I don’t drink as much coffee. Perhaps because I’m more rested. I have a cup in the morning, and sometimes make a 2nd, but often don’t finish it. Rather than 3 big cups a day. Just don’t need it. Still like it, but don’t need as much of it.

I will say my commitment to writing has not changed. Writing is something I am driven to do, so just keep doing it.

So, even though I couldn’t tell you what retirement is really like yet, I can see the differences in my life already. And I like them. I’m so glad I listened to the wisdom imparted to me when I was struggling with selling my old house so cheap. “You can always get more money. You can’t get more time.” So glad I did not wait to do this. So so glad.

Love and light, all.

Awaiting Alchemy

chakra-alchemy

Everywhere I look I see his face.
Behind my 3rd Eye.
In my heart.
My solar plexus yearns for his touch to be mine.
My sacral longs to spill our love on each other.
My root longs to hold his hand
Forever grounded.
My throat chakra can only speak his name.
My crown chakra sends unconditional love
Down my spine, into his.

I am lost
I am found.
I am waylaid,
I move forward.
I spin,
I stand still.
I reach for him
Across the miles
And feel his touch in my dreams.

But reality evades me,
It cannot be.
Where do I go now?
I melt into a puddle
Awaiting alchemy.

The poetry I publish in my blog is for the most part, freshly written.  I wrote this poem months ago, and never published it.  Guess it was just too personal then.  Just found it, and thought I’d publish it now.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Back From the Brink, in My Happy Place

I’ve been in a funk all week. I think it was just a combination of everything that’s happened to me in the last 6 weeks, and having to cope with it all alone. I’ve been making a conscious attempt to work through it all for a couple of days now, because it’s not like me. I don’t like myself like that. Feeling whiney and sad, and sorry for myself. Just so much emotional stuff.

I think I finally popped out of it tonight. I wasn’t crazy to go to the open mic night, because of the funk I was in. But I went anyway. I met my friends there, drove my new little red car there. I dressed myself up a little, usually I dress pretty casual. It’s a bunch of old hippies like myself there, singing, playing guitars, just relaxing and having fun chilling with a beer or glass of wine. But tonight I though I’d give myself a lift and dress up. The weather was perfect. 80°, a balmy breeze blowing. I got a sandwich there, and a glass of wine, and the show began. It was SO MUCH FUN. The musicians were all good. My friend Beth did a spur of the moment duet with another woman doing Billie Holliday’s “All of Me”. Very jazzy, they were fabulous and fun!

I sat at a table with the two of them and a couple of the guys who regularly come. We laughed and talked and got to know one another. So relaxing, exactly what I needed. I realized that I’ve been getting to know a few of the people there, and that maybe soon, I won’t feel like I only know 2 or 3 people.  Some of them even know my name.  🙂  It was so relaxing, exactly what I needed. I decided that I must have had the accident because I have a new life, a new home, and I guess I was supposed to have a new car too.

The house next door to me was sold about a week ago. Today I saw people over there on and off when I was home, doing some work, etc. As I was leaving the house tonight to go to open mic, I got in the car, and turned to look over there, and a man was standing beside his pick up and gave me a really nice, friendly smile and a wave. I gave him one back, so hopefully I have nice neighbors. I’d heard an investor bought the house, so don’t know how long they’ll be there. Maybe just long enough to flip it. That seems to happen a lot to property here, that’s close to the center of town and the beach.

My friend Pat called me and the show the gallery is having for her paintings is allowing her to put out 12 pieces of jewelry, so she wants some of mine to sell there. She has some that she has made but not enough. This gallery is pretty high-brow. I’m pretty excited about it. I just wish I had more time to make some more before it, but it will be hard to add to it, in the two or three weeks I have, because I have so much stuff to do to get my house situated.

Anyway, it was a fabulous night. It got me where I needed to be. Appreciating all that I have here. Finally, feeling happy again.

Love and light all.