This blog had to be reblogged. It is written by trE, on her blog A Woman. Her Dog. Their Journey. She has the cutest dog, and writes a blog, about their adventures, interspersed with pieces of wisdom like this. Check her out.
https://ajerneeofsurprises.wordpress.com/2016/03/23/nugget-of-wisdom-remembering-pain/
Om Shanti Om
I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation that started Monday. They offer these about 3 times a year, and I think I’ve done all of them for the last 3 or 4 years, maybe longer anyway. They have always been worthwhile. A great way to start the day.
This morning I woke up, and was thinking about the blog I wrote last night, Tuesday Updates. I had a paragraph in it about S, in which I was once again dissecting. This time, what I believed were his true motivations for what he did last summer, and in January. This morning, I thought, why? Who cares? It’s not my story, it’s his. That situation to me, will always be dysfunctional, but I can’t be giving it my attention. It keeps me stuck in the past, and it doesn’t matter what I think of it. I want to just forgive it, and let it go, and move on. Away. Not to give any more of my energy to a situation which has done nothing but bring me pain when I get involved in it.
This morning, I did a quick edit, and deleted that paragraph.
I was about to say too bad I can’t delete the whole episode, lol, but really, I’ve learned a good lesson. The time I spent with him in January really did so much for me, to ease the pain of the cruel rejection of last fall. I didn’t get attached at all, it was easy to let it go. He did what he has to do, to deny it, but who cares? I know the truth, he knows the truth. No one else needs to know.
I’m feeling free and happy this morning. The mantra for today’s Deepak/Oprah meditation was Om Shanti Om. “I radiate peace.” Yes, that’s much more where I want to be. That will attract my dreams into my life. My intention is to surround myself with people and things that will lift and evolve my soul.
Considering what has happened in Brussels, it would be nice if the whole world could chant Om Shanti Om for awhile. Something so simple, but thoughts become things, we attract what we think about. So, I let go of attachment to the recent ugliness in my life, and go toward the light.
Love and light.
Tuesday Updates
The house.
My sis has been making calls about the mold. There is a test that can be done for $375 to see if there’s a mold problem. So we’re going to order it, and try to get an extension on the contract until that test is in. All these inspections are gonna run about $1000. But at least I’ll know what I’m buying. My sis is building lots of good karma, I’ll tell you. I could never do this without being there without her. So much to organize. My sis is good at that stuff, lol, but I will be forever grateful.
Addie
I texted with Addie again today, 3 days in a row. After only intermittent convos over the last 2 or 3 months. He sent me the picture he took of the desert sunrise this morning (above). He used to do that every morning. And send a selfie of him waking up. He would always ask for one of me. I would protest. I had bed hair, no make up, you know….. He would always say, “But that’s when you are the most beautiful.” Sigh………
He is such a good guy. I hope everything is ok with the gf, and I hope he’s not falling for me again. Much as I love him, and love having him in my life, I can’t go there with him. It’s just never worked, and I’ve tried. I keep breaking his heart, as he rather succintly reminded me back in December.
The first time was because S was doing his thing, to get me back from Addie. I’d been seeing Addie for about a month, after the prison whore. But I still loved S, and S was really working it. He said everything I’d ever dreamed of hearing from him, and did everything I’d ever wanted, and I left Addie in a heart beat. (I guess that’s when he cared for me, as B said, “not in the way I wanted or dreamed of” except it was everything I’d ever wanted from him.) I was unbelievably happy for about 6 weeks, till B decided she wanted him back. Then began the S torture. Not letting me go, not seeing me much, pushing, pulling. Having a great time watching me cry over him. Getting his huge ego boost from all the tortured poems I wrote last summer. Playing the game, the great player. See how long he could get away with it. No wonder he thought I was weak, that I “broke like a little girl”. Well, I bet he doesn’t think that now.
The second time I broke Addie’s heart big time was last November, when we were talking about him coming to visit. I suggested New Year’s Eve, for a few days. He wanted to come for 2 ½ weeks. “I’ll rent a car when you go back to work, I’ll make you dinner every night….” I know he meant it to show how he loved me. He was so excited about it. But I didn’t want it. I was not, am not, ready to have someone here every night. It’s like a commitment, and I didn’t want it. I called it off, the whole thing. I told him I wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t gotten over S yet, and I hadn’t, that was true. I had just found out a couple weeks before, the full extent of S’s deception, and I was still trying to assimilate all that bad news. I was still rebounding from all the push pull, which continued right up to the moment I found out the whole truth.
That’s my biggest problem with Addie, is that he won’t allow time for a relationship to just grow. But also, because I don’t want to be in love with someone who lives 2000 miles away. And in the desert…I could visit, but I need the water. I have to be by the ocean. There were some physical issues too, which I never mentioned to him, because he couldn’t do anything about them, and I didn’t want to make him ashamed or even feel bad because of them.
For whatever the reason, it’s nice to have Addie in my life again. No games, just a good, intimate friend. Someone you can count on. Someone who constantly fills up my marble jar. It is so nice to be reminded, reassured that there are men in the world capable of selfless loving. Who take pleasure in pleasing their woman. I hope all is well with his gf, and he’s not talking to me every day because there’s something wrong, or worse, because he’s still in love with me. I don’t want to break his heart again. But I love having a man in my life who wants nothing from me, except a little of my time, and a little of my affection, and is never anything but loving and kind. I want nothing from him but his friendship. We are more than friends, we are very close. There was a tenuous time, when I broke his heart, the last time, that I didn’t know if we would make it through as friends. But we have, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’m so grateful the Universe has brought him back to my life right now. Just so glad.
All is well, as I watch the Universe self-correct, and self-organize, and help me along the way to the fulfillment of my dreams. Love and light.
So Be Good and Do Good
I turn on the TV to watch the morning news as I peruse my email, and write, and have my coffee. I am met with another terrible terror attack, this time in Belgium. I am so sorry, for those who have been affected by this latest attack.
And then I say, we have all been affected, it is meant to put fear into the hearts of all of us. It is about power and control, it is abuse on a grand scale. How, HOW do people’s egos get so out of control that they can even conceive of an act like this? Why, WHY do people want to bring down such evil into the world? I know these questions boggle the mind of all of us who strive to reach the light.
All we can do is keep walking toward the light. All we can do is to love our world unconditionally, and extend it wherever we go. Only love can stop the hatred, only light can eliminate the darkness.
When I think of my own microcosm, my own small insignificant life, I know that has to be my path. I have been confused as of late, but clarity is coming. The people I have loved, I will always love. I don’t need them in my life, I wish them well, I hope that some day they can find the light and the joy in it. It’s all I am capable of doing, and with that intent, I step away. If I don’t, I’ll find myself in the darkness again, and that’s one place I don’t want to revisit. I’ll keep the past in the past, but I’ll also hold in my heart the karmic lessons learned. I hate paying for the same real estate twice, as they say, so would like to move on from the lessons I have recently learned and not have to repeat them. With that thought in mind, I am saying, B and S, good luck, God bless.
Love and light to everyone.
20/20
The house. Inspections were done today.
I didn’t expect them to show no problems. And they didn’t. The electric service needs to be upgraded. $2000 to $2500. The windows need replacing, which I knew about, $3000. So, I’m still within budget.
But there might be a mold problem. We need to know that, and what has been done about it. If nothing, then I will give the house up. That’s a serious health issue. I know the fence needs fixing. Landscaping needs doing. Those are minor though, and not urgent.
So we’ll get the written reports tomorrow, and maybe try to get an estimate on fixing the fence. The electric and the windows can be done before I get down there. I also need to buy a storage shed, and want a good sized one. I think we’re looking at an exra $10k to $12K. We may have bargaining power to get it down a few thousand, that would be good. Still think it will work out.
We had to give her the deposit, but we have a week to rescind the contract. The plumbing in the house was fine. That was good. So, it’s not a done deal. At this point I still want it. But I’m not attached to the outcome at all. If it doesn’t work out, something else will.
I am a little embarrassed by my last blog and how much credit I was giving S. Because at the end of the day, he still did what he did. He still is who he is. He still repaid my unconditional love, with which I only tried to help him, with betrayal, again, denial, again. He hasn’t got a gracious bone in his body. People are to use. I’m sure he has some ulterior motive with her, but I have no interest in what it is. There is some unbelievably dysfunctional stuff going on there, in which I have no interest.
I would say I don’t know what I was thinking, where my head was at. But I know. I had some weak moments. I was thinking of him, the man he was, before B was back in his life. Before she showed up and turned him into a weasel, I don’t think he ever lied to me. She came back and he morphed, shape shifted into someone I don’t know, and don’t want to know. I have grieved the old guy. This man? I don’t even know him. And really, don’t want to. For those 3 weeks in January, he was the guy I loved again. And then…she turned up again, and again, he morphed into this wormy guy who couldn’t stand on his own two feet. Where, I believe, he remains. I’m not mad, I forgive it all. I get that he just doesn’t know better, and she’s not going to teach him, she is not much different, but very controlling. I just don’t want it, so it’s a good thing it’s not being offered.
So don’t worry about me. I’m back, and I’m strong. I’m setting the intention still, again, now, that one day my life will include someone who will love me the way I can love, and will want the sweet love I can offer him.
I got a text from Addie today, and that was nice. He sent a picture of a pueblo cliff dwelling, he had been hiking over the weekend. He didn’t mention his gf, whether or not she was with him. I didn’t ask. In the picture there were ladders going straight up a cliff, and he apparently had to climb 3 of them to get to where he took the picture. I am happy that he sent me the text, I am happy to keep in touch with him. He always leaves a warm feeling, he loves the same way I do, unconditionally. And like me asks nothing for it. I can’t imagine doing to him or him doing to me what was done to me by a man I adored. Oh well, it’s all about the level of consciousness. S is not interested in raising his. He’s interested in keeping his oversized ego fed. Easy to see the dichotomy and really, I think I needed to see that, it helped to give me my clarity back.
So gaining clarity on the house. Clarity on S. Clarity on myself. My vision must be about 20/20 right now.
Ruminations on S
For the last couple days, S has been on my mind a lot. I think partly because our energetic connection was amplified by going to the medium Friday night.
I have been thinking about January, and how he turned it into something other than it was, because of his guilt that B was hurt by it. I though about how when we first talked, he was so distraught, he begged me to just talk to him, because he had no one he could talk to. He told me, “Deb, I need to talk to someone, and you’re all I have. You’re it.” And talking led to old emotions, old intimacies… but it was still mostly just talking, mostly I was just offering up the unconditional love I’ve always had, and trying to help him get through those first dark days he had when B first found out the depth of the relationship that S and I had. He was scared, and alone, and really, whatever we had I knew it was not lasting then, but I was happy that he still thought of me as someone he was close to, and I just tried to help him.
Yes, we were also intimate. That, combined with talking, was always our comfort zone. If we had an issue, we would be intimate, and then talk about it, it was always easier. And really, I think that’s all that was going on in January. We were intimate, and then I talked him down, I tried to imagine how B felt, and explain it to him. After all, I had been in that same position as her, and I was quite able to empathize.
Then when she found out that he’d once again been with me, he couldn’t explain that to her, because he just couldn’t. Communication is not his strong suit. She had pain, I think that the pain would have been more assuaged if he had just said, “Yes, Deb actually helped me to understand what you were feeling. But one thing led to another, and we kind of fell into bed, her mother just died, she was hurting, I was hurting from your leaving….” Like I say, that part has always been easy for us, maybe because we always communicated on a very real level.
It just infuriated me then, to have him denigrate what was a different, but loving relationship into something prurient. It wasn’t. We cared so much for each other, but not in the way of a romantic relationship. When I said to him, “You don’t have any love for me” and he answered, “You know that’s not true.” I knew that he did, it was a different kind of love, and I had the same for him. It was not a binding, attached love. It was deeper than friendship, there is an underlying connection between us that neither of us could ever deny. It wasn’t what he felt with her, and that was fine with me. I never wanted what he had with her, I always wanted my own account with him, filled only with whatever was ours. It was when he tried to bankrupt that account that I got angry. It took nothing from her, for him to care the way he did for me. Our relationship was never definable. It is still there, even though we don’t talk. I never wished ill for him, or for her, or for their relationship. I only wanted him to be happy, and it’s still my wish.
Regardless, I am now seeing that he just wasn’t able to speak the truth to her about it, and about our relationship. It had nothing to do with their relationship. I loved him, I will probably always love him. I know how messed up he is, at a very deep level. I know I want more than he could ever offer me. I have let go of the anger, I have replaced it with understanding that we all do the best we can from where we are at the time. He was so confused, so filled with guilt for hurting her. He didn’t try to hurt her, he just didn’t think it through, he just has such a hard time seeing the broader implications of his actions. I hope now he can. Or is learning, anyway. I think he felt he had to take it from me, to assuage her. But no, he only had to give to her. She didn’t need him to take it from me. He only had to speak the truth.
He has been silent, and I’ve had him blocked. His silence, I assume, is to prove to B he is faithful. Personally, I think that is proved by actions, not by whether or not he talks to me, not by whether or not he can end our relationship or change it, so that we can feel good about what we had, and move on. It will be proven by him growing, and understanding his own emotions, not going for what feels good in the moment, but figuring out what will be for his highest good and those around him. How much better would it have been, for him, if we had just talked, and not become intimate again?
I have him blocked, because I just don’t want any more drama with the two of them. I don’t want to be the distraction around which they bond. I want to move on with my life, and there is no indication from him that he can acknowledge that he and I had a very special relationship, which he leaned on in a dark time. For me, being intimate with him, soothed over his cruel rejection. But so did talking, so did just being in close communication, opening hearts to the truth. It was good to know that we could still have that verbal and physical intimacy, but I didn’t need the physical. I enjoyed it, I have always enjoyed it with him. I would like to still know that we had it, not to act on it, but to know that relationship didn’t have to be decimated because of someone else’s pain. It had nothing to do with her.
So where I’m going is trying to just let go of my anger and confusion over how he attacked me, trying to just wish them well. During that time in January, he read a meme from FB to me on the phone….it said something about my unconditional love always being with you even if I’m not with you. He said, “I think this describes you.”
That is something I can hold on to. Yes, it will always be with him. I will always want his happiness. That’s really the only way I can move on. I hope some day he and I can be friends again.
Busy, Staying in the Light
Busy busy day. I’m now on the couch watching Will Smith in “Focus”, back to blogging. 🙂
Washed all the downstairs windows and glass doors on the inside. It was too cold to try to do the outside. It’s going to snow tonight. But they look nice, even without the outside glass having been cleaned. Plus I did a couple loads of laundry, ran to the store for a few things. Oh, got my kitchen counters cleaned. One of the counters is part of an L wider that the rest, and kind of separates my kitchen from the eating area. It could fit bar stools if I used it that way, but it is where everything ends up.
I tried to price up a new door for my fireplace. It looks like they are between $250 and $400. However, I cannot figure out how what I’m buying. My fireplace door has a bunch of parts to it, I can’t tell what I’d be replacing, I can’t for the life of me figure out how the old one comes out and the new one goes in. I took a flashlight, looked up inside the fireplace at the back side of it, and all I got for my efforts was really dirty.
I will need some help with this. I think I’ll have to borrow my BFF’s husband to help me out with it.
I talked to a guy about enrolling for Medicare. I will need to do that in the next month, even if I choose to stay on my company’s insurance. So I’m meeting with him Wednesday night.
Busy busy. I’m beat tonight. Fell asleep on the couch already once before dinner.
Speaking of which, my son wanted tacos, and so made them for us. With very little intervention from me. I just cut up some onions and peppers. He did the rest. His dad was a really good cook, and I think my son takes to it naturally. Which is nice, for me occasionally.
It’s been a good productive day. There have been thoughts on the periphery, I can’t seem to stop them. I try not to pay too much attention to them though. It’s just energy, I think it’s slowing down. I think it got stirred by the medium Friday night. All the excitement about the house. I found I kind of wished I could share it, momentarily. Until the tunnel vision of one moment turns cinematic, and I see the whole big picture.
Nope. Keeping that door closed on my end. The momentary fun and relief would soon be overshadowed by the darkness he spreads over everyone and everything.. I’m too much in the light to go back there.
I think I’ll go soak my hands in lavender essential oil paraffin wax that I’ve been melting down all afternoon.
Love and light everyone.
The Universe Is Listening…..
I got the house!!!! Whoo Hoo!!!!! The buyer countered with an offer in which he met us more than half way, (actually exactly what we were hoping he would come back at) and we took it, my sister signed it and sent it off to the realtor yesterday!! (Then I went out with a friend and celebrated!!!)
Now it just has to pass the inspections next week. We’re doing 3 inspections, a regular home inspection, a termite inspection (apparently that’s a huge problem down in Florida) and a hydrostatic plumbing test to make sure there are no problems between the house and the street.
And if it passes, the closing is set for April 19, which….believe it or not…. IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! I mean, what kind of sign is that??? The Universe is not only manifesting my dream, but giving it to me for a birthday present!!!! I am ever so slightly blown away by that.
It reminded me of getting my Supreme Court decision, and the end of my long, (4 years) contentious, tedious divorce.
My divorce went to the Supreme Court on December 4, 2010. Then you wait for a decision. They have no time limit. Some cases wait a year, 18 months, even 2 years. Some are quicker, a few months. I kept saying I wanted it by Easter that year, which was April 24. I really wanted it for my birthday, lol, but thought that was asking a lot to get it for a birthday present. The decisions are announced on Monday of the week before they are official.
I was driving home on the Friday before my birthday that year, and just before I got home I saw a sundog, almost exactly like the one in the picture. Sundogs have always been my personal good luck sign. I remember thinking, “That’s cool! Don’t often see them in April, because they require ice crystals to be in the atmosphere. That’s a really good sign.”
When I got home a few minutes later, I found in my email a message from my atty, with an court document attached, telling us that the decision would be published Monday, April 18, and official April 25!
The universe, in it’s inimitable way, gave me the announcement that the decision would be published on April 18, the day before my 60th birthday! And the decision was official April 25.
So, my birthday is a lucky day for me, I think, besides being the day I came into this world!
Ok, so I’m feeling really good about all of this, better than good. Totally blessed. So happy. Have a lot of work now to get the house up here on the market, I’m hoping in early April.
Please universe, let it sell easily, and quickly enough that I can move this summer. This is my intention.
Living like water, moving back to the source from which we all came. Love and light all…..
Three Day Quote Challenge, Day 3
THE RULES:
- Thank the person who nominated you.
- Post a quote for three consecutive days.
- Nominate three bloggers each day.
A big thank you to my friend Survivednarc for the nomination. She has a wonderful blog and inspires me most every day. Check her out!
MY QUOTE FOR TODAY:
I’m ending my challenge with yet another brilliant spiritual teacher. This is maybe my all-time favorite quote. For sure one of the top 5. I am a follower of A Course in Miracles (ACIM), this quote if from Marianne Williamson’s book The Return to Love which is her thoughts on ACIM. I hope everyone who reads this feels empowered to let their light shine. We can light up the world that way.
Nominations: I’m not nominating today. I would like anyone who wants to take up the challenge. I liked this challenge, it made me look at and consider a lot of people’s words, and see what inspired me the most each day. It’s been fun!
My Facebook Page
I realized today that I’ve never posted the link to my Living Like Water FB page. So here it is.
https://www.facebook.com/LivingLikeWater/
I would love you guys to “like” it, and share your thoughts with me. It is mostly just sharing of the things that I write about here, in memes. For some reason I couldn’t make it work as a link, you’ll have to copy and paste.
Both this blog and the page were initiated to complement a book I was writing / have written about the journey out of the darkness of my abusive marriage, that took me through 4 years, and to the Supreme Court of my state. Now that the book is complete, I’m not sure it’s something I want to publish, or just wanted to purge it through the writing. So at the moment I’m trying to decide if it’s really the story of Learning to Live Like Water.
There were so many many profound (to me!) lessons that came out of that struggle. But since, and it’s been 9 years, I have learned so many more. At the moment I’m feeling more like a collection of essays, poems, blogs, and journals which might share those lessons. Many from that dark time of my life, many from after.
A project for my Florida retirement. 🙂
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. I have not been paying enough attention to my FB page lately, and may not until I get myself moved, because I won’t have time with all the moving stuff that is on my plate. But at some point I will, and I’d love to have my friends from here on board.
Love and light, every one.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
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