A Little More Insight into Those Dreams

Posted on by learning to live like water

dreams gibran

I was so tired today that I stopped the housework for an hour or so, and sat on my deck in my zero-gravity chair in the sunlight and just napped. It was wonderful. Visions of Florida in my head. A few other thoughts too, but all just passing. I wasn’t asleep, I wasn’t awake.

Suddenly, I remembered something important about the dreams the other night. (Dreaming the Night Away) The one about the tunnel. The tunnel  started after exit 12 on the highway that I take to work, and was ending at exit 11, when I was blocked.

The house I live in now is #12. The house I’m moving to in FL is 5105, which reduces to 11. I had noticed it, and one of the women I met while I was there, looked at it and said, this house is an 11.  (Eleven is a master number, and not reduced to two in numerology.)

Eleven is a very powerful number. Remember the date 11-11-11? Energy workers everywhere talking about the energy that was around that day. The first world war ended at 11:11 am on November 11. Here is what Doreen Virtue says about 11:

If you continually see the numbers 11, 111, or 1111, there’s a reason. The most common way that angels communicate with humans is through the universal languages of numbers and music. 

The ancient Greek philosopher Pythagoras was the first to establish that numbers hold vibrational properties.  He taught that the entire universe is mathematically precise.

When you see repetitive number sequences, this is a message from your guardian angels. You can ask your angels what they are trying to tell you, and if you listen in stillness, you will hear their answers clearly. Sometimes, though, if you’re stressed or in a hurry, it’s not as easy to hear your angels.

So, Angel Numbers are a shorthand code between you and your angels. In the case of 1’s, they represent the post of an energy gateway. The more 1s you see, the stronger the path is.

In practical terms, this means that your thoughts are going through a cycle where they are manifesting instantly into form. You think it, and boom! It happens. When these cycles occur, it’s extra important to keep your thoughts focused upon your desires, and to stay positive. Otherwise, your fears may manifest instantly. You can ask Heaven to uplift you, so that your thoughts are focused upon the highest possibilities.

Another site, http://www.whats-your-sign.com/spiritual-meaning-of-numbers.html, says that One primarily deals with strong will, positivity, pure energy. The number One reflects new beginnings, and purity. The symbolic meaning of number One is further clarified when we understand One represents both kinds of action: physical and mental. This combined with Ones urgency for new beginnings, we begin to see Ones recurring in our lives indicates a time to exert our natural forces, take action, and start a new venture. One encourages us our action will be rewarded in kind.

Things are beginning to make sense. Now is the right time for me to be selling and moving. Things are happening fast. I’m going to say that this house in FL has manifested about as quickly as buying a house could. A month after going to just check out the market, I will own a home there.  Hopefully the sale of this house will follow suit, and happen quickly and easily. (If I EVER get it ready.)

I see that there is energy trying to block me from the gateway, and force me backwards. I have felt it, attaching to me, trying to draw me backwards on some level. The dream shows me even more reason to let go of the past….because it holds me back, from going through the gateway that is my path. I have felt more and more creative energy, the more I have let go. I believe that’s my path. I believe the dream showed me how I have been held back by not letting go. That which would stop me, is welcome to join me, but not to hinder me in anyway. Nor, would I hinder anyone’s creativity who wanted to join me.

I think it was good insight, given to me by the the Universe, to better understand where I’m going and why.

I love these little messages. I love feeling and seeing the insight that the Universe gives us on our path. Makes me a lot more confident that I am headed down the path that will take me where I want to go.

Kinda cool.

Love and light.

 

Everyone Needs a Little Nietzche in Their Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

dancing

Well, here I sit, ever so slightly hung over and tired. I went out with a girlfriend last night, for a couple glasses of wine and a bite to eat. We generally have gone to one of two fairly local places, but last night tried a new place. We prefer a kind of smallish place with good food, a bar, and live music. This place had all 3, and we had a ball.

We were sitting next to a table of 3 people, and by the end of the night we were sitting with them. We were all dancing, joined by another woman who was at the bar with a man I assume was her husband. Anyway, she was clearly older than me, maybe in her 70’s but was dancing with us. The music was great! My generation music, and a complete band, with lead guitar, bass, drums, GREAT keyboard player, a woman saxophonist, and a guy just on harmonica. The woman was playing the sax on the dance floor with us. One of the guys was buying shots for us while we danced, (I only had 2).

I have not danced in YEARS, except at my high school reunion. I was always at dances in high school, because my boyfriend played lead guitar in a good band, they had gigs most every Friday and Saturday, so I was always dancing with my girlfriends up by the band. But my ex-h could not dance, had no rhythm, lol. So we never danced, and I have found myself now self conscious about it. Lately though, going out with this friend who loves to dance, I have been freeing myself up from that feeling that I was making a spectacle of myself, and just decided to “dance as if no one was watching.” It was so much fun!!

Generally when we go out, we are home by 11 or so. Last night I didn’t get home til midnight…and was exhausted, after working my butt off on the house. But my garage is now acceptable, except for the stuff I need to take to the dump Today I’m going to attack the storage area in my basement. Then really, all I need to do is to clear the kitchen counters, etc. My yard needs a spring clean up, but I’m calling someone to do that. I just can’t…I have shrubs that need cutting back, and beds that need to have the leaves cleaned out of, trees that need pruning. I just can’t do that. And my fireplace, lol. Not sure what to do with that.

My brother-in-law called me yesterday, and talked to me about some of the issues the inspection on my house turned up. He didn’t feel any of them were really anything to worry about. The report said I didn’t have sufficient amperage in my electric service to run the house. I have 100 amps. But he talked to people who know, and said I should never be drawing more than 60. And that if the 100 isn’t enough I will know soon enough and can get it fixed then. So we will just use that to negotiate, but perhaps I don’t need to spend the $2000 to get it upgraded after all. The report said the hot water heater needs a relief valve or something, that it could cause the heater to leak or drain, which could cause a flood. Well, this is true….but the hot water heater is outside, so who cares if it leaks? It’s not like it’s in the basement (which would be the case where I live now) and going to flood the basement. So that’s all good news. I’m feeling good about the whole thing. I think I’m getting a really good house for the money right now.

I am getting more excited by the minute to get moved down there. I’m seeing it come closer and closer. Feeling the life I dream about becoming reality. Feeling blessed.

Love and light to all.

Closure is Vastly Overrated

Posted on by learning to live like water

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

Dancing Through the Insanity

Posted on by learning to live like water

Rumi

I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.

Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.

I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.

I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.

About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.

Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.

I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.

If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.

This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.

The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.

Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.

It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.

Going to bed, lol. Love and light.

Dreaming the Night Away

Posted on by learning to live like water

tunnel

I had a couple of weird dreams last night. I think more than a couple, but two are all I can remember enough to look them up on dreammoods.

Both about driving.

The first, I was driving down what I think was the road Scott lives on. I was looking for a cross street, to get to his house, even though he lives in reality right on the road, and I don’t need a cross street to get there. At any rate, I couldn’t find the cross street, and kept driving and driving. Here’s what dreammoods says:

Driving: To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life’s journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life.

Road: To see a road in your dream refers to your sense of direction and how you are pursuing your goals. If the road is winding, curvy, or  bumpy in your dream, then it suggests that  you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the controversial or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.

If the road is smooth and bordered by trees or flowers, then it denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going as planned.

Search: To dream that you are searching for something signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. The dream may be analogous to your search for love, spiritual enlightenment, peace or even a solution to a problem. 

The road was smooth, a typical New England road, really his road, bordered by trees, woodlands, rural homes, farms, some large gentle curves, but not windy, a few easy hills, but you can’t find a road here that has no hills. It wasn’t narrow either. It was his road which is a state highway, one lane in each direction.

Since I was searching for his cross street, his intersection, I would guess I was looking for him in my life. Since I couldn’t find it, I think it must say that our lives are not intersecting at this point. I continued to look, for that intersection of our energies, our life paths. I knew where to look, but it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t give up. Right now, I don’t think that to keep looking is a healthy thing to do. However, considering my belief that we are so connected at the soul level, I have a feeling part of me will always be looking for the guy I knew and loved, which is completely not the guy he is manifesting right now. So, I couldn’t find him, or his intersection in my dream.

It would behoove me to just stop looking now, and focus on my own path. To just keep rising. Never say never, but for the time being, we won’t intersect. I guess it’s good that I just kept driving, down the typical easy road.

The second dream was driving also. I was driving my regular route to work. The highway became a single lane tunnel. As I approached the end of the tunnel a police car with the lights on came driving toward me, and blocked the lane out of the tunnel. The officer motioned for me to back up. Not to turn around and go back, but for me and those behind me, to back up the length of the tunnel. I woke up, with the car stopped, I remember thinking in the dream “Is this guy crazy? He wants me to back up, in reverse, all the length of this tunnel?” Which is exactly how I would react in life, I would have gotten out of the car and said, “how about you let me turn around?” I didn’t do it, in the dream.

So we already know what driving means.

Tunnel: To see a tunnel in your dream represents the vagina, womb, and birth. Thus it may refer to a need for security and nurturance.

To dream that you are going through a tunnel suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective as in the phrase “tunnel vision”. Are you being close minded or narrow minded in some issue?

To see the light at the end of a tunnel symbolizes hope. You will navigate through life and all its difficulties with great success. Alternatively, it also indicates the end of your journey and the realization of your goals.

Police car: To see a police car in your dream indicates that help is on the way for you. You are experiencing some inner turmoil and need intervention.

Police: To see the police in your dream symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control.

Driving backwards: To dream that you are driving a car in reverse suggests that you are experiencing major setbacks in your goals. In particular, if you drive in reverse into a pool of water, then it means that you emotions are literally holding you back.

So, again, it’s about my life’s path. I think I can buy that I’m seeking and opening to a new awareness of many things in my life. And, at the same time, have had some tunnel vision in regards to him. The tunnel ended, there was light, and I had hope. The need for nurturing ties in exactly to what the medium told me, about my grief. Security? Idk, I don’t really feel insecure. Yes the move is a big overwhelming thing to do, but I don’t feel insecure about it, or myself. So I’d say it’s the nurturing thing, for sure.

Then the power and authority and control represented by the police in the dream, tried to stop me, from getting to the light. What’s interesting is that whatever force or energy was represented by the police stopping me, and I can pretty easily guess what energy that was, wanted me to go backward, to experience a major setback, to not get to the light. Honestly, I was wondering earlier this week about that, he was on my mind so much. However, rather than allow it myself to go backward, I woke up. I hate to do things twice, lol.

I was almost out of the tunnel. Which says to me, I was making, have been making real progress. Maybe I just need to be very vigilant I don’t allow myself to go backward, to the place I was. Maybe the police officer was a warning to me. Because the police car itself, symbolizes help is on the way.

Which must be my friends here, lol. Helping me through the strong pull of the energetic connection this week.

Thank you my sweet friends. Would love to hear any additional thoughts. I do have a little “tunnel vision.” Lol.

Love and light.

Still

Posted on by learning to live like water

Still wrapped.jpg

Sometimes those cords
Are wrapped so tight
They constrict my breathing
They constrict my heart
Still.

Seeking respite,
There is only silence
In the cacophony of
Waves crashing in my head
In my soul
Occasionally
Still

So much good has happened
Since.
So much joy
Has come to me
Since.
New dreams beginning to unfold
Since.

Still,
Grief, longing,
Wondering why,
Unanswerable questions
Occasionally
Fill me with that old familiar pain.
Still.

Every day is a journey,
Every moment is now
A step away from it.
Disentangling the ties that bind
As I move away
Leaving only the love.
Still.

karma of a relationship

Thanks Megan for reminding me of this quote. 🙂

Grieving Our Narcissitic Ex-Loves

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

grief-quote-5l

First I have to say, survivednarc’s blog today really hit home with me, in a timely fashion.  Like, it was the universe watching out for me, that she wrote it.

Now I’ll back track a bit.

When I went to the psychic/medium a week ago, she said that Mother Mary was with me because I needed to nurture myself, because I was grieving.  And that I wear a good mask, but that I’m grieving and that just takes whatever time it takes.  She said, “Don’t listen to the people who say you have grieved long enough.  There’s no time table.”

Since I was hoping that night to contact my mother, which happened, I assumed it was about her, and was kind of a mis-reading. But the only person I could imagine that I was wearing a mask for, in regards to grieving was the narcissist in my life, the one I have such a hard time letting go of.  I denied it, only to myself, because no one else even knew there was a chance it was him.  My friends assumed it was my mother,

Since then, I have had him on my mind a lot.  Not necessarily in grief, but just on my mind.  Sometimes, yes, grieving for him as if he was dead.  Sometimes just missing him.  Sometimes wondering why I care so much.  Often knowing that it’s the connection we have that puts him front and center for no reason.  I have felt his energy since our first messages.  When we met I knew that I already knew him.  And already loved him. I have always seen his pure soul, not the ragged, messed up man he is.

I’m sure that the grief that she spoke of, for which she said I wore a “good mask” was about him. Because I grieve my mother, but theres’s no mask.  I miss her a LOT, and everyone knows it.  I have no problem saying for the rest of my life I will grieve her, but I’ll never put a mask on about it.  I had a mother to cherish, and why would I hide the fact that I grieve her loss?

S, on the other hand, treated me so badly, hurt me in so many many ways, was always concerned with himself first, is so capable of sincerely telling anyone a lie to their face, was inexplicably cruel to me, yet I have missed him at times enough to make me cry.  I have loved him enough to make me cry, to make me ache, to make it hard to breathe.

I have, in the past, broken no contact so many times.  This time I did it once, to no response.  I have, except for that one time, stayed NC, no matter if I was crying for him, because I know it would go no where.

Survivednarc reminded me that there is no good end to contact with him.  I was missing him on the way home tonight.  Her blog is the first one I read and it reminded me what would happen if I messaged him and by chance, for some reason, he responded.  For every time he made me laugh there was a time he tore my heart in two.  For every time he pulled me to him with hunger and passion, there was a time he pushed me face down into the dirt and left me there to tend my own wounds.  Why does our memory so often only remember the laughs, the pulling in and not the pain?  I suppose that’s because the pain, is the pain.  It’s self-protective not to remember it too intensely, except in short bursts. But the joy, the laughter, the passion….it felt good.  Of course we want to remember and relive those moments.

Just, the grief.  Yes, we do grieve them.  Why?  Who the hell knows?  Because they were front and center in our heads and hearts for a long time, intensely.  I can say I have never loved like that before.  Of course I miss that.  Of course I grieve for a part of my life that is gone.  And, like the medium told me, grief has it’s own schedule.  Some days it’s harder than other days.  Some days are easy, some days, I don’t miss him at all.  Some days I’m grateful he’s with her, and not playing push pull with me.  Some days I’m just pragmatic, knowing that what he could offer, if he chose, is not what will bring me joy, and that the joy I remember was in loving him, but not in being loved.

So, let us grieve, and learn to move on.  I will still wear the mask, when I need to.  But I’ll still grieve, until I’m done.  That’s just the way it is.

Love and light, all.

An Easier Day Today

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

Last night I was able to sit for a little while, without the glass of wine I thought I’d have, but decided not to, and make some decisions about the house.

I’m spending $375 on the mold test. Really, it’s just for my peace of mind, to know. It is so scary to be doing this alone, so I am doing all I can to ensure that I don’t have unexpected issues to deal with. This requires extension of the contract until next week, it was by this Saturday that we had to make a decision if we were going ahead or not. Now it will be the end of next week while we wait for the results of the test.

But these tests and inspections are running more than I thought they would. $600 for the home inspection, $375 for this, $450 for the hydrostatic test, and Idk what the termite test will be. So about $2000 that I’m spending on the house that I can’t get back, so I sure hope there is no big problem outside of the ones I know.

Providing the tests come back satisfactory, we will go back in and ask that they reduce the price to fix the electric. The service needs to be upgraded so it runs the house with the new heat / AC. And the wiring needs to be redone in the house, to get the outlets all grounded. We feel they should give back to reimburse for doing that, since it’s ridiculous to add those things to a house and not have ensured the electric supply could handle it. Then small things, like hook up the gas stove to gas from the street, etc. If they will come down a few $1000 on the price and do the small things, then I will have myself a house. The work I can have done before I move down there, for the most part. At least the electric. I can stay at my sisters while the windows get put in, which is something I knew I’d have to do when I bid on the house.

Today should be easier, not having to read inspection reports under pressure to make a decision. I have to meet with the insurance guy about medicare tonight, and also talk to my boss about it too. I think I can save some money going on Medicare, even buying the supplement to it. That’s not nearly as much stress as the house, lol.

My cat seems better, she’s been up and about since I wrote the blog last night, so maybe I was imagining things, maybe she just had a couple bad days.

So all seems well this morning. I’ll have a 3 day weekend (here in the US we don’t have the Monday after Easter off.) But it is an extra day to get work done on the house, so that’s a good thing.

I’m so glad that I have my meditation practice. It’s been helping me to get through all this house stuff, and through the left-over emotions around S. I need so badly to just let all that go, I have so much stuff that’s more important to my life to be focused on. So I’m trying, and I think I have a bit of success every day. It’s amazing how a narcissist can get into our heads, him with his push pull. I think I’m so accustomed to it, I keep waiting for the next round. Hopefully with time, I won’t be waiting for it. Just a habit.

Well off to another busy day at work, but it will be all work today. Not all that other stuff too. Good to have a place to write it out, and have people comment back to me. Really helps me out, to blog.

Love and light.

Did I Take On Too Much?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Overwhelmed

Things are piling up lately.  Idk, I feel like maybe I’ve taken on more than I can handle, yet there is no other way to get where I want at the moment.

It started with the medium Friday night, and I was spinning all weekend. Up down up down. Connections, sometimes comforting, sometimes downright annoying. I have been up and down, angry, loving, hateful, sad, joyful and compassionate all within the span of an hour.

It’s not just that, that thing that has plagued me for almost 2 years, and which needs no more explanation from me. It is buying a house, when I’m not there. It’s an old house, remodeled. The inspections are coming in and I have some decisions to make, and things to weigh. Thank God for my sister and brother-in-law, because it is a lot to decide by myself. When I bought the house I currently live in, there were no hard decisions. It was built in 1988 and had a new roof, and furnace, and nothing needed fixing. The inspections came up very clean. But this is an old house, 90 years old, in Florida, a different climate, and different problems than we have up here in New England. I wish I had someone to talk to about things, like I said, thank God for my sis and brother-in-law. Hard to be by yourself making a move this big.

But you know, it’s crazy, negotiating by text and email about the house, discussing the inspections the same way.  I can’t talk about it on the phone because I haven’t told anyone at work what I’m up to.

Of course buying the house is only one end of the deal. I have to get this house ready to sell. The realtor is coming over next Wednesday. I have things to do here….clean the garage, she already said I need to deal with the arborvitae that are on either side of my garage and the other end of my house, they need cutting back. I have to find someone to come do a spring clean up of the yard, I just won’t have time.

Then there is work, where I have been flat out since I came back from vacation. Working long days every day, too tired to do anything when I get home.

I have to get enrolled in Medicare, because my 65th bd is coming up. Even if I don’t take it yet, because I have company insurance, I need to enroll. So I have to meet with a guy about that tomorrow night.

Then my cat…Maggie. I think whatever was causing her bleeding a few months ago has manifested in her stomach. She’s sleeping under the bed, she can’t jump up on the bathroom counter to get a drink as she usually does every time I’m in there. I thought it was because she was eating more, and just gaining weight but I felt her stomach and there’s like a hard ball on the side of it. Not good. I need to get her to the vet. If they say what I think they will…well, I’ll have a hard decision to make.

So….I’m writing…after I got off the phone with the realtor about doing a mold inspection and extending the contract deadline for it, and renegotiating the price based on the work that the inspection shows needed doing.

And Easter. Maybe I should plan a nice meal for Easter? My bff and I always go out on Good Friday to the Polish market and get our easter kielbasa. Sometimes do some Easter shopping. It was more fun when the kids were small, we’d buy stuff to fill up their baskets. But they still love the baskets.

I guess the good thing is that all this stuff kind of buries the emotional ones tied to S farther down the list of things I feel like I need to deal with.  That’s all old news and really, only time and distance will fix that.  I can’t change anything around it. So, I just have to keep letting go.  Every day a little more.  The connection…well, it will always be.  That’s also something I can’t do anything about.  There will always be a place in my heart for him, for the man I knew.  Just put it there, and let it be.

A cool thing happened today though. My son loves the EDM music, the kind the dj’s create by mixing music. He had gone to a couple festivals and has been buying equipment to make his own mixes. He has been spending a lot of time doing it, I don’t pay much attention, I can’t hear it because he does it all in the basement, which is his space. He uploaded some of it to a site called Mixcloud or Dubstep…anyway, he got a notice from them today that his mix is 96th on their list of most popular! His first one ever! He said the top ten are guys who make millions doing it. But I’m quite proud of him. He’s done this completely on his own. I love seeing him have some success following his passion. Makes my heart sing.

My plate is full, but my cup is also running over. I have a lot to deal with, I am blessed to have people in my life, and the ability to do all that I’m trying to do. It’s important to stay in the present moment with all this going on. So Hum. So Hum.

Love and light.