The Psychic

Posted on by learning to live like water

I went to a psychic again tonight.  It was a group reading, and I missed the gongs for it,  which was hard for me.  But I’d promised a friend I’d go.

My mom’s spirit came in, and it was pretty emotional for me.  I’d hoped she would.  I got some answers to some questions we’d had.  Mainly, why did she have to go through those last 18 months, where she couldn’t talk or read or write, and not even walk well.  I can’t imagine that life.  Yet, she did it.

My sis felt guilty for having prayed that she would live, because her quality of life was so poor.  I always said that she was there because she chose to be, because there was something else she wanted to do, or learn, before she went.  I know we have no control over it, I believe it’s a choice made at her soul level that we could never understand in human terms.

Speaking through the psychic, I came to understand that mom needed to learn to receive.  She was always giving, she hated, more than anything, to be a burden to someone. I’m sure this comes from growing up without a family of her own, living with various aunts and uncles through the Great Depression.  She always felt like a burden, although they were all good to her.  She cried one day with my sister, because she was such a burden to her.

The psychic said she used that time to reconcile difficult times of her life, to review her life.  And to learn to receive.  To learn to let others care for her, which my sister did an exemplary job of.

Mom wanted us to know how much she loved us.  I smiled, and looked up and said, “We know Mom. We know.”  My dad was with her.  🙂

Before she brought my mom in, she talked about the grieving process, and how Mother Mary was with me, and that I needed nurturing, and if I was grieving, I needed to let myself grieve.  To nurture myself.

Now, I didn’t feel I was grieving, but the spirits seemed to be telling her I was wearing a mask, hiding my grief.  That will have to settle.  I’m grieving my mom, but not in hiding about it.  I was grieving S, but I feel like I’m past it, just really past it in the last week, since my walk on the beach in Florida when I really let go of the last remnants of emotion that were hanging on.

But it ties into the last time I went, when I was told I needed to cut cords, and take care of myself.  That I need to love myself as much as I love others, and do what I need to do for myself.  That’s something I can believe. As a woman, everyone comes before us for a good part of our lives, if we marry, and have kids.  But really, I’ve been trying to take my life back, and do what I need.  Like move to Florida.  Like, eliminate the energy vampires from my life.

Funny though, there are so many spirits around in a group reading.  The connection that I have always had to S has been energetic, a soul connection, not a human one.  And I could feel him very strongly in there.  This connection has nothing to do with the man that he is.  I felt an energetic communication taking place for a bit with him.  No longing for him, none of the old human emotions. It was on another level, but confirmed in some way the connection I believe is still there, and always will be.  I don’t feel it as strong any more, except tonight, I think because I was in a room full of people, with the intention of talking to spirit.

Well, off to bed, I’m really tired tonight.  Lots of housework needs to get done tomorrow.  Going out with a friend tomorrow night.

Love and light, all.

 

Three Day Quote Challenge, Day Two

Posted on by learning to live like water

INtegrity

THE RULES:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2.  Post a quote for three consecutive days.
  3.  Nominate three bloggers each day.

A big thank you to my friend Survivednarc for the nomination.  She has a wonderful blog and inspires me most every day.  Check her out!

MY QUOTE FOR TODAY:

I chose Brene Brown because she is another of my favorite authors, and spiritual teachers, and such a cool person.  She has a PHD in Social work.  She does research for a living, on the things that grip our hearts and souls, and takes them apart and allows us to see them as they are, and us as we are.  Her definition of integrity comes from her talk The Anatomy of Trust.  She is exactly on point.

My nominees today are:

  1. trE from a cornered gurl
  2. Don’t You Forget About Me
  3. the creativerational

 

How It Should Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

Had an nice text chat with Addison this morning.  Told him about the house, sent pics. He was very happy for me. Loved the house. 

He’s so sweet, a good friend. He’s in love, and despite what my personal thoughts have been about that, he’s happy with her, and happy where he’s living. I told him I’m very happy for him, that he deserved to be happy. 
His girlfriend is not jealous, because Addie gives her no reason to be. She and I are FB friends though we never talk.  But still I know that she knows all about me, knows how he loved me for a long time, but is sure of him.  As it should be. 

He told me that I was instrumental in his life and he will always love me.  I told him I love him too, as s good friend, that he’d gotten me through a whole lot too. Like the day I was dumped, Addie sat with me for 4 hours on the phone from New Mexico doing what he could to get me through. I will never forget his love and compassion and kindness. And how he hated Scott for me when I couldn’t. Lol. 

He’s never once done anything or said anything unkind to me. He has loved me completely, and I’ve broken his heart a couple of times, mostly because of misplaced loving of Scott. But Addie still loves me, the person I am.  So much different from the man I did love, who plays people against each other, inciting jealousy to feed his narcissistic ego. 

Well, I love addie too. And I can honestly say I don’t love Scott.  Addie ended with “I love you, stay well.” I ended with. “You too. Love you back. Stay in touch.”

That’s how it should be.  

Life is Moving Along Happily

Posted on by learning to live like water

Forward-motion-forward-life

My sister and brother-in-law put in an offer on the house yesterday.  Someone else had come in with an offer contingent on financing, so we needed to get our cash offer in.  I’m pretty sure they will take the cash offer, though they may counter.  I’m prepared for that.  I should find out this weekend, maybe even today!

I’m so excited about this, though trying to hold back a little.  It will require a home inspection, which hopefully will take place next week.  They could find something that’s big and hidden, but I’m hopeful not.  The seller says it was inspected when the remodeling was done.

If it goes through, it will so simplify my move to have a place waiting for me.  I won’t have to store my stuff and rent a place in Florida while I look for a house.  I’ll be able to move it right in.  I can even go down there before hand, and start getting things in place, measuring to know exactly what I can bring from my house in Connecticut, what I have to sell off or give away.

I can’t believe how lucky I am to have a sister and brother-in-law who would loan me the money, that much money….  I keep pinching myself.  Really.  I’m almost giddy, but I’m reserving that for acceptance of our offer, and a good inspection.

My focus here needs to be on getting this house ready to sell.  That has begun in earnest, I’ll get even more into it this weekend and next. I keep asking that it sells easily and quickly.  That’s the intention I’m setting.

It’s supposed to snow here Sunday.  It was in the 60’s for the last few days, and now a return to winter with a major nor’easter on Sunday afternoon and Monday, up to a foot of snow.  My son and I are so disgusted, and I’m sure we’re not the only ones. I am so ready for shorts and flip-flops, lol.  I’m praying they change the forecast.

Lots of exciting things going on.  Big changes, welcome changes.  Facing forward, always.

 

Three Day Quote Challenge

Posted on by learning to live like water

changing life

 

THE RULES:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2.  Post a quote for three consecutive days.
  3.  Nominate three bloggers each day.

A big thank you to my friend Survivednarc for the nomination.  She has a wonderful blog and inspires me most every day.  Check her out!

MY QUOTE FOR THE DAY:

The image above is a quote by one of my favorite people in the world.  Best selling author, spiritual teacher and really cool person.  (If you follow her FB page, you’ll find that she actually interacts with her fans, and comments on and likes out comments!)

But I chose this, because this particular experience, heart-break, has brought so many of us here, to pour out the sludge, the pain, the agony, the mush of a broken heart on our blogs, trying to make some sense of what happened to us, when all we did was love someone infinitely more than we thought possible.

She is so right, that we will see that our lives are changing, when we look back.  We will see that we grew, that the experience made us stronger, not weaker, make us know our worth, not what someone else thought of it.

And here, we have companionship, on our blogs.  We have camaraderie.  We meet people who have traveled the same path, and we enlighten and treasure each other.  Experience the sweet mourning, experience the broken heart.  Grieve.  And then, let the changes lift you to a higher place.

My 3 nominees are:

  1. Megan at Finding My Way Home
  2. KCrambles
  3. Carly at Petite Prelude

A Free Spirit,Forever Forward

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just now answering one of Megan’s blogs, I realized that S knew exactly what he was doing in January with me. He was hoping B would find out. He knew how jealous she was and knew that would bring her back.  Perfect.  He was intent on hurting her again, knowing her reaction. Knowing the “green monster” she had. 

He always complained about my “green monster”. But hers was far worse than mine. It’s an ego boost to him. I see it now. Mine was, hers is. It’s a control tool for a narcissist like him. 

Well it worked.  Her last email she told me to copy her whenever I messaged him. Lol. No audacity there. Geezus. 

User of people.  He’ll do anything to achieve what he wants. He’ll hurt anyone, betray anyone. His biggest ego boost is having a woman cry over him. He is such a classic narcissist it’s unreal. And the boost he gets from her is bigger than from me I guess.  He was willing to hurt her again, just to get what he wants. 

She’s more needy that I.  My ex used to complain I was a “free spirit”. Damn straight.  Never needed either man. Just wanted them. Thank God I have extracted myself from that dysfunctional BS.  And no tears this time. A shrug of the shoulders maybe. 

I had my own reasons for doing what I did in January. Fact is, he gave me no pain, he actually soothed the wounds he cut into me last fall and I let go easily.  I had a few issues with the way he twisted and lied to her, but in the end, who the hell cares. I know the truth. He knows. I could care less what she believes.  

He used me to bring her back. So what he’s got is someone who responds to negative motivation.  She had someone willing to devastate her to get his way. They are fucking perfect for each other. Misery is not my thing. 

But I used him too. To put a salve on my wounds. I found out I was the only one who could actually physically care for him, I got a little ego boost out of it. And I walked away in tact this time. I didn’t get attached. I think I wanted him to be with her, because I sure would never have trusted him again. I worked at having the 2 of them talk those 3 weeks. And I was successful. I couldn’t have cared less. I fact I was glad. 

It always works out the way it should, you know?  I’m at peace with it, I have isolated myself from the 2 of them and their negativity, their darkness, their innate sadness. It’s such a relief.  This morning I was dancing in my kitchen while I made coffee listening to “Sugar Magnolia.”  

Thus is my life. Forever forward. It’s all good. 

Love and light 

Reminiscing

Posted on by learning to live like water

memories

I’ve been talking to a friend, who is on a path exactly like the one I was on with Scott in January.  Together not as long, but long enough to be crazy in love, and then having it ended cruelly, by him.  Then after months of no contact, seeing him again, and having him start up as if it never stopped, and then, once again walking away with no notice.

I’m just so glad my experience can help her.  She knows that I made it through, that it triggered in me at the time, all the same emotions triggered in her.  My story went on for a few weeks.  Those weeks gave me clarity on who S was when he chose to deny me because our relationship hurt B.  And because I had gone into it with no expectation, no desire for a long term relationship, it was easy to let go, and be done.  If he hadn’t then denied me to B, and if B hadn’t made it clear to me that he was lying to her about me, yet again, I wouldn’t have even gotten involved again.  Add to that her arrogance in thinking that she knew what I was wanting, or that she knew what he felt.  Assuming that our relationship deteriorated into something ugly.  Our relationship was fine, it’s just that there was a third person involved and I didn’t know it, HER. That’s why it deteriorated, because he was a liar and a cheat, to both she and I. Does she think he told her the truth?  Or that he does now?  That’s a laugh, really.  He can’t discern the truth from the crap he makes up, he never has been able to.  He fails the trust test, every single time.  Maybe it’s a game they play together, who knows?  Who cares?  It’s not one I want to play though, that’s for sure.

Anyway, talking to my friend, trying to help her clear her head, kind of made me remember how it felt.  I am so grateful not to have any of those emotions now.  I am so glad to be past that, to leave that relationship behind me.  It entices me not at all any more.

I have been thinking I don’t even know if I ever want another relationship.  Men have been the bane of my existence.  One was a control freak extraordinaire, unbelievably abusive.  The other was deceptive, a liar and a cheat extraordinaire.  The ex, the first one, inspired more anger and frustration, than I can even express.  The second, more pain than I can express.

Not sure I want to risk round 3.  But maybe there’s someone special out there, someone who just wants to love, like I do.  Who just wants to enjoy life, and enjoy me, and let me enjoy him.  I will be careful, before I give anyone that much trust, that’s for sure.  These narcissists, and sociopaths are so good at the game, at fooling us who have no ill intent, who don’t need it for an ego boost, but just want the pleasure of someone’s company and attention.  Who just want a relationship that evolves us into a better person, and adds to our life, instead of filling it with darkness.

I guess that’s why Florida looks so good to me. It is full of light, and happy people, really.  I didn’t run into anyone who didn’t have a smile, and a positive attitude. Maybe it’s the negative ions from the ocean, lol.

I’m going to the light, that’s for sure.  Away from the darkness that drives people down, and consumes them with false promises and false projections of who they are.  It’s easy to even fool yourself in the darkness.  Give me light any day.

Love and light, everyone.

 

Better Things Await

Posted on by learning to live like water

low points

First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.

Early Morning Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

Back to work today.  It will be a long 3 days this week, catching up.  And trying to deal with the house in FL.  Not sure if my sis will buy it or loan me the money.  I would guess buy it, and just flip it to me.  She and my brother-in-law both think it’s a great buy, a perfect place for me.  And I have to agree.  I can’t imagine getting to the beach anytime I want, which will be every day, LOL.

My son and I sat and talked a lot last night, about the house, the move, his job, his plans, my plans.  It was really good.  He’s such a great kid, I’m so proud of him.  He had a party here Saturday night, and showed me video, it wasn’t a ton of people, but he is learning to mix music, and had some cool lights down in his space.  And the best thing was that most of them spent the night here and then did a wonderful job of cleaning the house up.  It was cleaner than I left it!  I didn’t look at the basement, but he said I wouldn’t recognize it, that one of the girls spent hours down there Sunday cleaning it!.

Maybe I’ll hire them, lol.  I have to get all the many windows washed, and fix my dang fireplace, and get the deck painted.  And I need a new ceiling fixture for the light in the kitchen.  But that’s not really all that much, it’s all doable.

Back to the daily grind for now though.  Moving on down the road.  Life is good.

Love and light, all.

Home Again, Finnegan

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

I’m back home, and it didn’t take but about a half hour and a phone call from my son to remind me why I want to move to Florida.  They are predicting a nor’easter for Monday, maybe.  Which is one of those horrible low pressure systems that sits off the coast of New England, and sucks cold air down from Canada and moist air off the ocean and can produce snow and wind like a blizzard.  Let’s just pray the forecast changes.  I am into the warm weather after a week in Florida, not the return of winter!!

Flights were good, I got in a half hour early.  I’m totally unpacked. My kitty Maggie is happy to see me.

I have been reading “All The Light We Cannot See” by Andrew Doerr. It was recommended to me by a friend at work long ago, and then also by S. He sent me a picture of the cover, and said he really liked it and thought I would like it too. That was in the time between dumping me, and when I found the depth of the deceptions, the time when he was still actively trying to get me to come see him when B was not around.

(I keep wanting to say something snarky, about our supposed ‘sexual’ only relationship, which involved discussing books, but am refraining. In fact, I still have a book of his here, Voyage by Sterling Hayden, that I haven’t read yet, which he gave/loaned me when I was at his house in January. Again, refraining.)

I finished “All the Light” on the plane. It took me awhile to get into it, just because it did. I wasn’t sure I’d like it, but as it went on, I really loved it. I read about 150 pages on the way to my sisters, and about 200 today, to finish it. It was one of those books you hate to have end. I didn’t quite have the reaction S did, but when I finished, I needed to close my eyes and think about all the light we cannot see. I kind of found myself wishing I could just talk to S about it, and about his reaction to the ending.

It was a fleeting thought, lol. Just habit I guess. He and I talked so much, I do miss having someone I can just run stuff by. But he’s the wrong one, lol.

We’re reading The Tapping Solution for book club this month. It’s a how-to book on meridian tapping. I’m not really into that, but I guess it’s another tool to use should I need one. I tend to just live through things, I don’t think there’s really any shortcut to dealing with emotionally traumatic situations except to sit with them, allow yourself to feel them, and then watch as they disappear.

I do see though, that sometimes, it’s possible to get so anxious that a person can’t function without a little help. Who knows, with the task I have in front of me with this move, I may get that anxious! I’m going to have to keep the house I found quiet at work until I’m ready to give notice.

I need to get another fiction book to read now. Maybe I’ll see if I like the one S gave me. I have a list of books I want to read, so I guess what I should do is go to Amazon and “look inside” all of them, and pick one if I don’t like Voyage””.

Anyway, it’s good to be home, on my couch, in my jammies, watching the Voice, writing a blog. Especially knowing I’ve made some good solid progress on my dreams.

Love, light and laughter, all.