Flying Home
I woke unsettled on my last morning here. My plane leaves at 10:45. I am usually unsettled when I travel, so I’m not surprised. I think there’s something just non-sensical about flying from Sarasota FL to Chicago IL to Hartford CT in 7 hours in a large heavy metal container with 300 other people. I don’t understand the physics of it, but I accept that they are. Yet, I think somewhere deep inside, there is a primal scream, lol, saying “It’s not possible!!”
That being said, I have learned to sleep on a plane quite easily, or read, and I don’t get nervous. I know there is a logical reason.
I once had to fly from Connecticut to Texas, to the funeral of my beautiful niece, who was killed in a car accident while visiting Australia. She was 24. Brilliant, valedictorian of her class, spiritual, funny, OMG, so funny. And beautiful. She was the star of our family, the 2nd of my younger sister’s 5 children. She was, without a doubt, an old soul. We all knew it, her wisdom was far beyond her years.
I flew by myself to Chicago, where I met up with my older sister, brother-in-law and my mother, and we flew together to Dallas. On the first leg, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so sad in my life. My marriage was breaking up, I was broke, (my older sis paid my plane fare), and now I had to face saying goodbye to one of the really most beautiful people I’d ever had in my life. We had a special bond, she and I. Everyone remarked on it.
So, I was looking out the window of the plane. We flew above clouds that whole trip, so it was blue sky above, and white clouds below. Staring out the window, thinking, trying not to cry the whole time. Wondering why this had to happen, why we had to lose her when everything else was already falling apart. Suddenly I saw the shadow of the plane, perfectly, on the clouds. And then I realized the shadow had a rainbow aura all the way around it. It followed us all the way to Chicago, for 1100 miles.
It was one of those signs. I was suddenly not alone, and there was promise. I think now, it was my niece’s way of comforting me, of helping me to get through that sad lonely flight. It was a sign that she was ok, she was around.
I’ve had many times that I’ve felt her energy around me since. Many unique experiences that have let me know she is close by.
I don’t know why I went here this morning, except I am flying to Chicago to get home, which makes no sense to me, but it’s no different than flying to Detroit, to get home on another trip. So far out of the way, but it’s how they do things in that crazy business.
Today I’m flying back to my present life, while I’ve spent the last week beginning to prepare for the future in a big way. I think I’ll be glad to be back to my routine. I’ll be glad to see my son, my cat, sleep in my own bed. I’m going to have to continue the work I’ve done down here in preparing for a move.
The realtor has not gotten back to me since Sunday, I’ve left voicemail, email, and texts with her. She was getting back to me within minutes up until Sunday night when I had some questions about the way a contract needed to be written. Not sure what’s up with that, but if I don’t hear from her today, I’ll call the listing agent on the house, and cut her out of the loop. I’ll meet with my realtor at home next week, finish getting the house ready to put on the market, get the pictures taken, get it listed by the end of the month.
I do know if the house I like doesn’t become mine, it’s because the Universe has something better in mind for me. Just staying in the flow, taking one thing at a time as it presents itself. Looking at the entire process at once can terrify me, it seems like such a huge undertaking for a single 65 year old woman.
My thoughts of S are far from where they were at the beach yesterday. I’m not feeling badly about him at the moment, just not feeling much at all. He still can get on my mind, but I think that the walk on the beach was very instrumental in the letting go process. Not feeling an attachment at the moment, and that’s a good thing. Making room for new things, letting go of those things which don’t bring me any happiness, or add to my life in any way except negatively.
My sis and I drove down at the last minute last night to see the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico. There apparently wasn’t one, lol. There were clouds all through the horizon, covering the sun on it’s way west. But still I got the picture above, which was kind of mystically cool, as it was hazy, and tinted light pink anyway. I think the ocean is just good subject matter, lol. It is such a metaphor for our emotions. I hope you all enjoy it.
Life is good. I’ll be back tonight, from the comfort of my family room at home.
Love and light, all.
Exorcising The Ghosts
I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.
It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.
I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..
I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.
I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.
We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.
Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”
I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S. I really didn’t want to either. I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.
God that was a hard beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.
Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.
I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.
I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.
I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.
And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.
I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.
The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.
By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.
I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.
I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one. His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.
Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.
But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.
I made it.
Promise of the Sunrise
Just a promise of a sunrise this morning, hidden behind some clouds. There were breaks of blue sky, tinted with pink, there was a pink and golden glow on the horizon, beneath a tower of gray clouds. It was lovely, in a different, subtle, way.
I stopped at the beginning of the dock, to talk to my sister’s neighbors. The one who lives across the street, in her golf cart, has felt like a good friend since the day I met her a few years ago. She asked about my weekend with my girlfriends, I showed her pictures of the house I fell in love with. Another neighbor was there, with his dog, Penny. I remembered him from last year. He is married, his wife doesn’t come to sunrise. I pet the dog for a few minutes. Then we all walked down the dock together, and the new friend I made the other day whose wife had to go home was there taking pictures. He also asked about my weekend, and told me he’d gone to St. Pete yesterday and had lunch at a lovely restaurant on the inland waterway near where I’d been.
You can always tell us tourists, we have the cameras, trying to catch and preserve every moment of the sunrise, to carry us through until we come back again. I have more pictures of sunrise from the Longboat Key town dock than anything else on my camera, lol.
The sun came up, as it always does. It still put on a beautiful show. One that reminded me that clouds come and go, the sun is always there behind them, waiting to shine. The clouds that cover the sun can’t stop it burning brightly, and bringing daylight to a darkened world.
Then it began to sprinkle, and then rain harder. We all left quickly, and the neighbor with the golf cart gave me a ride the 800 ft back to my sister’s house.
When I came in the house, my brother-in-law was up, had made me another pot of coffee. He said it hadn’t rained here in about a month, so they were glad for the rain. It didn’t last long though, probably about 10 or 15 minutes. There may be more today though.
Thinking about the gray clouds of my life, the storms, the dark days of fear, and heartbreak, and yearning for life. And then the sunrise, always there, always managing to get through the clouds, always bringing the light back to my life. Never letting me get stuck too long in the darkness. Bringing me my son, my family, my friends, my joy. Always remember, the fact that the light is covered in darkness, can’t stop it from burning brightly.
Just Sunday Night Thoughts
I’m safely back at my sisters house on the island tonight. It’s good to be back. It feels familiar, like home away from home. We had a margarita in the hot tub and talked about the house I like, the offer, how nice it will be to be close to each other. We have never lived close in our adult lives. Never to any other family. What joy that brings us both, to be 45 minutes apart after all these many years.
I went to brunch with my friend today, and met two more women who live in the area. It is a small little cafe with some outdoor seating, and live music. A husband and a wife, he plays guitar, they both sang. So nice to sit outside, with good food, and good conversation, and live music.
They had me laughing, they wanted to know if Mystic Connecticut is a real place, lol. Yes, I said, it’s the biggest tourist attraction in the state. “Is the Mystic River from the movie real?” Yes….”Is Mystic Pizza a real place?” LOL. Yes, I’ve eaten there a few times, lol.
I jokingly told them at one point when we were discussing men, “I want to hang around the marina and find a rich guy with a yacht!” (I suppose I wasn’t completely joking, lol.) They were laughing but then one of the women said, “You should join the yacht club! It’s only $150 a year, and you get to go to all their functions, and use their sunfish out in the bay, it’s great! I used to go all the the time!”
Then she went on to tell us about the casino that’s on the beach. A small-ish structure, for a casino at least in my eyes. I’m used to the two ginormous complexes in Connecticut owned by the Indians, Native Americans, Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun. Which are full fledged Las Vegas style resorts. But she said they have dances there that cost $12 to go to, and if you like to dance, it’s a blast. There are men then who love to dance, and love new faces. They have lessons, in ballroom, swing, and then you can just “hippie” dance, lol, that’s what we were calling it, since we were all old hippies.
There’s also a local theater, a great senior center, a beautiful library in town. Today there was a class doing yoga or tai chi on the beach. They had set up about 6 or 8 volleyball courts, for a beach volleyball tournament. So so much to do. So many ways to meet people. I’m utterly excited to think about moving down here. Soon. This summer. Maybe in 3 months.
Haven’t thought much about the drama of last week, and really the last 2 months, since I got down here. Maybe the first day, I had to purge it out of my system. I find myself at times missing him, a little, because he was so funny, and outlandish. I have some good stories to tell. But I have way more bad stories, nightmares really. And they always follow pretty quickly in my mind. I don’t get hung up on it. I think it’s just that energetic connection that we have, and probably always will. I know better than to act on it, it will only bring me pain. My life is moving in the direction of my dreams now. All of them, lol. Life is good.
I think I’ll go to bed. It’s been a busy couple of days, with late nights and crazy food schedules.
Love and light, all.
Old Friendships
Another glorious day in paradise. This morning I’m thinking about my two friends and how close we all are after all these years. We’ve been friends for about 50 years. We are closer than sisters at times.
My older sis said she never had friends like I have, like this. I thought about it, and I said, you know, we are all just real. We don’t judge each other, we tell our stories, our truths, and we always have. No one of us has ever tried to one -up anyone else. There’s never been a jealousy between us. There’s been a lot of good hard belly laughing. A lot of late night baring of our souls to pure love and support of each other. Our lives all on different paths, but here we are, drifting back together now all these years later as if we’d never been apart. Sharing stories of our lives as if we were telling about what we did last weekend.
Pure honest living connection. I look at those who have come and gone in my life that never had this, don’t have close friendships now, and my heart hurts for them, to not have this thread of comfort that runs through your life. It’s been their own choice to be alone, but I think it’s been more fear than anything else, fear of rejection, fear of losing themselves, fear of not being in control.
What isn’t love is fear. I only know that I am blessedly full of much more love than fear. And a lot of it comes from these women, who have never turned on each other,but reached across time and space to stay connected and give our lives meaning.
I pray that those who were in my life and are alone can find their way out of their darkness. I wish they knew the immenseness of their own beauty. My friends, my family, give me that gift every day. I hope I can spread that blessing around.
Love light and laughter, all.
Trying to Get Back to Myself
I just watched a documentary on Lama Garchen Rinpochet, who is considered to be a Buddha. My friend with whom I am staying last night and tonight, had the great honor of meeting him.
Evolved, to say the least. He travels the world, for the purpose of bringing love to all sentient beings. All, not just some. People cry, sob, for the love he gives them. You can see pure joy on their faces. .
Unconditional love.
And that’s how we become happy, according to the dharma.
I believe it. I am finally getting back to the place where I know that unconditional love is my way. I know that is when I am happiest, when I am acknowledging that believing in unconditional love means, loving people, without judgement, despite what you may feel on some other, less evolved, level.
The documentary reminded me who I was, who I wanted to be. The nastiness of last week set me back. I felt like I had to reclaim my life, my memories, what was MINE back from those who wanted to take it from me, pretend it never was, that it didn’t exist.
Tonight I remembered, I realized, that it’s mine, and try as they might, they can’t take it, so why get upset? My life, my experiences, my truth, and my unconditional love can’t be taken. By anyone.
So, the investment I had in bringing the truth to light, caused me to experience some really ugly emotions, some mine, some theirs.
I realize that there are people who are attached to their pain, to their story, that believe spreading it around will make it thinner for them. But the opposite happens, and it becomes pervasive.
I have released all attachment to that outcome. I know what is mine, in my heart, and can’t be taken by that darkness. I know what was, what is, and I know where I want to go. And that’s back to forgiveness, and unconditional love, and sending love and light to all, including those who tried to take it from me. They need it most of all.
Love and light….. 🙂
Blessings Abounding
I’m sitting on my friends patio having coffee. It overlooks a little lake in the middle of her complex, with egrets, and ibis, ducks, and palm trees. So nice and warm. Probably about 70.
We had such a ball last night. There were three of us, we were missing our 4th member of our group, so we called her on the phone in the Midwest and put her in speaker and it was like having her there, lol. She stayed on the phone for a couple hours till it went dead.
We were at times laughing hysterically at the stories we had to tell. Soooo good to belly laugh. Today we’re going to some art place called The Blueberry Patch. Then to some place that my friend whose house we are at promises is awesome pizza.
I’m thinking I’m gonna meet with the realtor again at some point before I go, put in an offer and leave a check with her. I can’t tell you how much I love this little house. And to live a mile from a beautiful beach!!!! There are so many cute shops and galleries and great restaurants here. But it’s small and largely undiscovered by the throngs of tourists that come to FL. It’s the height of season now, and in so many beach communities here the traffic and crowds are unreal. But not in this small town at all.
3 doors down from this house is a community garden where you get a little patch of ground to grow whatever you want. People plant veggies like cabbage and kale along the sidewalks here, for the purpose of anyone who wants or needs them taking them. Kind of a passive “feed the world” thing, and it makes attractive landscaping too!
I love the progressive and kind of liberal attitude here. Bohemian almost. The house I love is yellow with orange shutters, and light green trim. So Florida!! So many houses like that here, bright vibrant colors, unusual artwork and sculptures in their yards.
Plus, even tho the house is only a mile from the water, it’s not in the flood plain! So I don’t have to worry about that crazy hurricane insurance. Plus the back yard has a couple of big trees for shade, so important here.
I will love it here I know. Especially with friends and family nearby. I have to get this house!!!
I’m feeling really blessed this morning. Love and light, all.
Old Times, New Times
Had a really nice day today. Did some fairly successful house hunting. Am with old old friends tonight. I’m the first one going to bed, lol. Because I was up at 5 am. Lol. I have to say none of us are feeling any pain, lol.
Saw a cute house in my price range with a new roof, furnace, central AC, brand new kitchen and bathroom and flooring. It’s perfect and they’ll let it be contingent on me selling my house if I have a contract to sell with a realtor. Very very excited. It’s abou a mile or so from the beach. :-)). In a great location in an artsy small community that is largely undiscovered.
So great day. Been laughing with my friends all day so good for the soul. More tomorrow.
Love and light.
Sacred Sunrise
I woke at 5 am this morning, listening to the peacocks behind the house with their loud cawing. It was first I’d heard them, and I smiled, knowing “I’m in Florida now for sure.” Not that there are peacocks everywhere in Florida, but they seem to flourish in this old historic neighborhood.
I had plenty of time to get to the town dock for the sunrise. There were 5 or 6 of us this morning, and it didn’t disappoint. The sky was glowing pink when I left my house for the 3 minute walk to the dock. It was breathtaking. I got a couple of shots.
Then as it came up over the horizon, due to the cloud cover it was a perfect, well-defined golden orb, not unlike a full moon.
It felt like a sacred experience, for a few moments. I thought about how every incident in my life brought me to this place at this time. I’m grateful for it all. Even the last few days, as unpleasant as they were, gave me clarity, and definition. About what I want, what I want to attract into my life, and what I want to let go of and never experience again. A new day dawns, ripe and ready for all the good things in life to come a little closer to us all, if we allow it in.
I know that still, everyone does the best from the level of consciousness that they are in at the time. I have been frustrated and angry that my life, my history, my memories have been toyed with by someone else, for purely egoic reasons. And denied, to please the one with the big ego. It is dysfunction at it’s highest. I allowed it to wrap around my level for a time, and bring it down. I have let go, unwrapped it, cut the cords binding it, and rise again.
I still have to recognize that that’s where they are, and that I can’t expect more, nor stay angry about it. It’s done, it won’t happen again. I feel like I was a distraction to them, that they could agree on. Like Brene Brown calls it “common enemy bonding.” It’s not real, it’s not lasting. There are still lies that haven’t surfaced, but they just don’t matter now. Who cares? The issue with the lies is between them, I am removed from it, thankfully. I always say the truth will float to the top at some point. My life moves on, theirs does too, and how that story ends is anyone’s guess, and I’ll never know. Nor will I care. I don’t know that I’ve gotten to a state of forgiveness over it yet, it’s a little fresh, but I know I’ll get there. I work at that, it’s something I want to achieve, so I can go on without holding onto the anger and negative emotions of a past which really has no bearing on me or my life now.
I’m going to my high school friend’s today for a couple of nights. I’m so excited. We don’t know what we’re going to do, but I know we’ll have fun. I know even though we haven’t seen each other for a couple of years, we will fall in like we were never apart. These girls know how to laugh, and love and have a great time, and bring in the goodness of life. WE’ve been friends since we were 13 or 14. It is going to be a welcome change, as it has been with my sister here.
It’s all been exactly what I needed. I’m looking out my sis’s window, at the bouganvilla cascading from an old intricately woven tree stump. And reminded how much beauty is in the world, and that that’s what I want to focus on now.
Life is good. Really, it is. Love and light. And laughter.
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