Just Another Day in Paradise

Posted on by learning to live like water

Another perfect day in paradise.  Sunrise at the town dock.  Sit around leisurely for about 2 hours, having coffee, blogging, trying to figure out what it was about B’s message that had me irritated, lol, but then we went to the beach. I walked about a mile, and closed my eyes in the chair for about 20 minutes, then read a book for a bit.

Then my sis and I talked for about an hour.  We were there about an hour and a half, with sunscreen on and we both still show some color tonight.  Cool.

She took me to this little fishing village, a working fishing village, for these awesome fish tacos at a little restaurant called Tide Tables.  It’s really just a joint, with a bar, paper plates, etc, country music playing.  But fun.  Right on the water, so boats can pull up and get their food.

Later today we were in her hot tub with a drink, with one of her neighbors.  That was lovely too.

My sis had never heard of Burning Man, so we watched the documentary on netflix called Spark, which is about Burning Man.  I want to go someday so badly.  She’s not bohemian enough lol.  But still had fun finding out about it.  My little sis would go in a heartbeat I think.  lol.

So all in all, just a lovely day, despite getting a little irritated by her arrogance.  But it’s all over now.

So grateful to be able to come down here for a breather from everything.  Didn’t take long to clear my head either.  Happy about that.  Grateful for a lot of things.

Love and light all.

The End of the BS Era

Posted on by learning to live like water

Funny, every time I get an email from B, something about it niggles at me all day.  I was at the beach and figured out what it was today.

She said “you’re right, he did care for you. Not in the way you wanted and hoped for, but I know it was more than sex.  You tried really hard, too hard for your own good really.   Maybe it had deteriorated to nothing more than sex, and anger and heartbreak or seems that way.”

First of all, how in the world can she speak to what I wanted or hoped for.  I’ve never opened that up for discussion.  And how can she speak to how he felt?  She wasn’t there.  She wasn’t in that relationship.  I find it arrogant and passive aggressive at best for her to be speaking for me, and for him.  Let him speak for him, let her stop qualifying our relationship to make it suit her emotional state, or need to assure herself that it wasn’t up to the level of hers.  For all she knows,it was way past that, and I know it was in many ways, but couldn’t maintain that level with a liar. She has no idea, and shouldn’t pretend to me or herself or anyone else that she does.  As for it deteriorating, she has no fucking clue what she’s talking about, and I resent that she even has the audacity to attempt it.  All I know is he cared for me, I don’t need it qualified by her in any way, and in fact resent it.  She has no fucking idea what she’s talking about.  She’s hoping that’s what it was.  That may be what S told her.  A proven and bonafide liar.  To regurgitate that to me in an email is ludicrous, insensitive and again, passive aggressive.

In one of her earlier emails, she said she would “let S respond to it.”  Well isn’t that fucking big of her, to let S respond to my email about the BS that he tried to shove down my throat.  As if she owns him.  When I was with him, his mantra was, “Don’t tell me what to do.”  And I didn’t want a man I could tell what to do.  I wanted one who could stand on his own two feet.

She’s letting him speak, how nice.  And she’s speaking for him. How not nice.  And for me. Pisses me right off.

So, I’ve taken steps to assure that it won’t happen again, that I won’t have to listen to one more word of BS from either of them.  And hopefully, this will be my last post about them. so that I can erase them and this incredible amount of BS from my life.

As they say in Looney Toons, That’s All Folks.   The end.

Sunrise Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I walked out the door at 6:30 this morning to go to the town dock, about a half a block from my sister’s house to watch the sunrise.  I’d only been up a bit, but I could see the sky turning pink over that way, so got dressed, made coffee and off I went.

There was a southeast breeze blowing off the water, and about 65°F, so I was glad I put a light sweater on.  Sunrise was supposed to be 6:45, and normally there are 4 or 5 people there already by 15 minutes before.  Neighbors, and as much as I’ve been down here, I know quite a few.  However, this morning it was just me.

The pink was already leaving the sky when I got there, but it was still beautiful.  I sat on the bench, and closed by eyes, breathing in the balmy salt air breeze, loving the dawn of a new day.  (I am such a morning person.)  Looking at the boats in the harbor, some on moorings, some anchored out with their dinghies tied to the stern, knowing they were on board, waking up to the rocking of the boat in the gentle waves. I remembered feeling that many many times, and missed it.  There’s nothing like waking up on the water, or going to sleep to that same effect either for that matter.  I used to sleep better on our boat than anywhere else.

I opened my email, there was an email from B.  It was kind, articulate, acknowledging my feelings and relationship with S.  I believe she wants to put all the unkindness away, as I do.  I would have liked S to be the one to stand up and say what B did, but he’s who he is, this is a way for him to get someone else to say it for him, so he doesn’t have to acknowledge personally what he said, and did that was so untrue.  But I’m letting it go.  My life is so moving on and away from all of that.   I have no pangs of regret for it, but it is so clearly not what I want in my life.  I cant imagine being in a relationship with someone like him, never being able to trust him, always having to play detective, always needing to verify everything he told me, and dig out the whole truth.  I wish her luck, I really do, because she has so much of her life invested in him.  It was a lesson, a rung on the ladder of my evolution, to know him and to love him.  And now I continue up the ladder.

So, on the balmy sea breeze, I just let it go.  There will probably be more to let go, but it’s all flowing away easily at the moment.  I’ve learned what I needed to learn.  I’m glad I did what I did in January, to complete that lesson.  It was good for me, and caused no pain for me, because I never got reattached.  I saw reality.  I think too, that in the end, it was good for B too, to see the way he actually is, that he could say one thing to her, making her believe he was in so much pain, and actually running to another woman’s bed instead of dealing with the behavior that broke her heart in to a million pieces. For me, seeing that reality makes it easier to let go. I can only hope when her heart is put back together, it is stronger than it was.

As soon as I was done responding to her, a man came and sat down on the other bench with his cup of coffee, and struck up a conversation.  He had an Irish type of brogue, I asked him where he was from (because most people you meet here are not from here, lol.)  He was from Thunder Bay Canada.  I have met so many Canadian people between last night at the art show and now him. Like maybe 4 or 5 new people, friends of my sis, all from Canada.  We talked a bit, about the area, and the mornings, and the sunrise.  A very nice man.  We walked back down the dock in conversation, and I found out he’s renting the upper floor of the house across the street from my sis’s house.  He’s been renting it for 6 or 7 years now in the winter.  We joked about why everyone in the world isn’t in Florida for the winter, lol.  I said, well I soon hope to be.  He asked about winter in CT, and I told him about the 4 ft of snow we got one night 2 years ago, lol.  We agreed that the sunrise is a perfect way to start the day.

It was so pleasant, just to have a normal conversation with a man on my own.  Kind of like a gift from the Universe, saying see what will happen when you have let all that other stuff flow out of you, and away on the breeze?  Feeling so much like this place is exactly where I need to be.

So, I’m posting a couple pics of the sunrise. The one at the top was just before.  The one at the bottom is just after.  It was just an average, maybe even below average, but still just lovely.  Love and light all.

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I’m Here!!!

Posted on by learning to live like water

This will be a short blog tonight! I have been up since 2:45 AM, and am just sitting down now. I flew to Newark, the armpit of America, and then to Sarasota. It was 80 when I got here, which was wonderful but it was also 80 today at home! My son told me that Connecticut broke the record for the warmest day ever in March! Of course, when I’m going to Florida.

The first thing I did when I got to baggage claim at the airport was to take off my socks, lol. I wished I had flip flops to change into but they were all in my bag.

My sis and I stopped for lunch at Olive Garden. Then we drove around a few neighborhoods in Bradenton before we headed for her house near the beach, solely because the traffic to the beach doesn’t thin out til about 3. She lives on Longboat Key off the west coast, and the only way to get there is two causeways from Bradenton.

I saw a couple of really cute neighborhoods that I liked, one was the Village Arts Center, and another was just a cute neighborhood of older single family Florida homes. No high-rises, not full of tourist rentals, or time-shares.

We got to her house, and I was greeted by the peacocks which run wild here, and are in mating season, so the males are always showing off their beautiful plumage. And was also greeted by the myriad of small little lizards that run around in her gardens and on her deck. They’re so cute. And skittish. I’ll start getting pics tomorrow, but today my phone was almost deal when I got here so no pics. We took a breather in her pool for about a half hour, she and my brother-in-law and me. Then we got dressed, I in my new dress I just bought last week (the one that’s above the knee!) We went to an art show at her community art center, where she had a picture showing. It was a great show! But no pics, again, because my phone was too dead to take with me.

Then my brother-in-law surprised us and made reservations for dinner at a very swank restaurant in Sarasota, on St. Armand’s Circle, which is a lot like Rodeo Drive in LA. It was fabulous. I told him I felt like a princess. My sis and I have just been catching up all day. Having so much fun. She writes too, and I may show her how to start a blog tomorrow.

I put up that blog about my 2nd blog because I have gotten quite a few new followers who don’t know anything about it. I got a request from someone I didn’t know though, so I guess I should reiterate that the blog is for people who I know and know me. You have to be a follower here, to be one there. This person had a blog with no posts, and was not a follower, has never commented on my blog. So for more on that subject, I may write on the private blog. LOL. But not here.

This place is paradise. Like, really. Palm trees, a lagoon pool with a hot tub, hibiscus and amaryllis and bougainvilla in bloom. Tropical breezes and salt air all around. Laid back, no one is in a hurry. At home, we have a law in the stores, “no shoes, no shirt, no service.” No such law here. People in line at CVS with sand on the back of their calves, barefoot, in bikinis with a towel wrapped around their waist.

We’re going to the beach tomorrow……:). The best thing is, all the chaos of the last few days is behind me, up in CT in the minds of the idiots where it belongs. Doesn’t exist here, and it’s not coming back into my house. Not to be full of myself, but I was actually getting some attention in my dress tonight!

Life is so much better down here. Love and light all.

My other blog 

Posted on by learning to live like water

Some of my newer followers may not know I have a second private blog where I post once in awhile, things I don’t want read by the general public. The name is livelikewater2.   (.wordpress.com) type it in, you will get a request form which you just request access by pushing a button for it. If you are following me here, I always grant access. 

I can’t put up a link because sometimes clicking on it gives anyone access. 

If you leave me your username in a comment, I’ll send you an invitation. 

Love and light. 

Leaving Town….

Posted on by learning to live like water

Been a rough day. Trying to get everything finished at work to be gone a week. You know “make sure you have next weeks work all done before you leave”.And a string of nasty emails between Scott and I.  She was copied on all so my words couldn’t be twisted. It started out with me telling her that I wasn’t looking for closure, that I was sincerely concerned about her because of something he told me about her and I wanted to know if it was true  because it would have been difficult for me if it had been true, conscience wise.  Happily it was another lie. 

He was copied, again so everyone was on even ground. He kept attacking me and my veracity. Of course he did. I finally asked him why he’s defending against me, it makes it so obvious that he’s been lying. That he ought to focus on trying to get her to believe he’s someone different than the asshole he’s shown everyone. 

I couldn’t help but laugh. You know how I always end with love and light?  In an email he addressed to her, with me copied he signed off “love and light”. Ha ha ha. The words have never crossed his lips. More likely “lies, fear abd darkness”.  Cuz that’s what he loves and lives 

Haven’t heard since. Thankfully. I meant to block his email tonight but too much to do to get ready for Florida. 

Speaking of which, I have 3 realtors that want to see me!  My sis has  a cool day planned for us. And I will be on the beach for sunset tomorrow!!  Leaving all this stupid drama in the hands of the one who loves it. I don’t care how the ending goes, lol, as long as it doesn’t  involve me any longer. 

She can decide for herself.  And him, he ought to disappear into the great beyond and stop tormenting people with his deranged presence on this earth. What a waste of stardust.

Life mellows out tomorrow at 6 am as the plane heads down the runway. I’m taking the computer, blogging on this phone will make me crazy!  

Love and light all. 

Gratitude and Release

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well.  I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing.  I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life.   And then I fell fast asleep.

It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not.  That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not.  Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.

When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story.  That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable.  That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie.  I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something.  To stand up for myself.  The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem.  He will live with that karma.  If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.

He has so much fear.  For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her.  How silly.  Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else.  She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.

My conscience is clear this morning.  I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past.  I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.

It’s all been hard, so hard.  Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime.  And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second.  I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.

I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are.  I like where I am, I like who I am.  Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught.   I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls.  I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else.  If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know.  But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie.  And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.