Extra-ordinary

Posted on by learning to live like water

I came across this lovely poem by the blog, Don’t You Forget About Me. It is exactly how I feel this morning. I have loved extraordinarily. And I will again. Thank you Don’t Forget About Me. Brilliant.

Where are you John Bender's avatarDon't You Forget About Me

(not my picture)

I am most especially, nothing more than average.

In fact, I am just quite human.

But my ordinary life has bore witness to the most fantastical empirical magic.

For I have inhaled the most potent of fairy dust into my lungs budding me into, extra.

I have tasted magic’s metallic neon colors and been transformed.

I have heard it’s captivating tintinnabulations and answered.

It’s wisdom has painted my face permanently, with shades of a mystical shimmery hue.

It’s hoary tendrils have nourished my discouraged hopeful heart with it’s charms and hexes.

My eyes have now been internally  lit with a sanguine elan.

Come close and look.  You will agree. There is extra now.

I am enchanting in my ordinariness.

Watch me closer, for I have magic to tell.

I will breathe to you of my secret…

I have simply but extraordinarily loved.

~m

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WWYD? (What would you do?)

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

What would you do

What would you do?

If someone you used to love, told their ex-not-quite-current girlfriend (I don’t know what her status is at the moment.) that the only reason they asked you over for the weekend was for the sex?  Because she found out and was hurt, and he couldn’t stand up and own that what happened, happened because he wanted it to?

What if you found out this, in a round about way, from the ex-not-quite-current girlfriend, who was just trying to make sense of what happened to her?

What if, this ex-lover denied and betrayed you to her over and over, and had done the same to you, with her, up until recently?  And what if, that whole weekend you’d been trying to help  him, while your heart broke, to find a way back to her, because that’s what would make him happy.

What would you do?

Well, I wrote them both an email.  I told the story from my perspective.  I told her I was not angry at her, it was just a lie that she believed.  I was angry at him, for minimalizing and marginalizing our relationship.   I made it clear what I believed to be the truth and why.

I am a lover of the truth. I need it out on the table, I need to see it all, I need to allow people to draw their own conclusions from what IS, not what one person wants it to be to assuage their guilt.

What happens now, is what happens.  Probably nothing.  I hope she’ll forgive him for caring for someone when she was out of the picture, and even when she was in it.  Emotions don’t die, but he chose her, and I have to live with that, and can, and I am. I believe he still cares, and feels bad that he’s done it to me again, but didn’t see another way to heal the rift with her, than telling yet another tale

But that’s the problem for me. I mean I’m the loser here.  But I won’t live with him lying about who I was to him, and who he was to me, for a short time. I won’t be turned into some bimbo who fucked a man who didn’t give a shit about her.  For God’s sake.  I don’t regret a minute of of any of the time I ever spent with him, I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I ever did with him.  I’m sorry it hurt her, and I’m sure she probably feels the same about me now, because she’s a kind person.

It’s over now, I want to let it go.  I want to keep the memories I have, unflawed by his lies, his spinning of the truth into something other than it was.  I just want to be perceived as someone who loved him, and someone he cared for.  And then I want to find someone who can love me the way I can love.

He’ll never be able to love anyone that way.  But I know there are other people, men, who can.  He was good practice for me.  I learned what I want, and what I don’t, in a man.

I want someone who I can trust.  Someone whose light doesn’t come on once in a while and shine so brightly that it hurts your eyes because they are so accustomed to the darkness.  I want someone whose light illuminates my path, and whose path I can illuminate, and we can keep each other from falling into the pitfalls because we have so much light.

So, what would you do?  Did I over-react? Or was it appropriate and necessary?  I’d love your thoughts.

 

My Mistake

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
This was my mistake. My naïveté.  My lesson. Which was learned well. And is ongoing.  First lesson is from Maya Angelou. 

“Never trust someone who says “I love you” but doesn’t love themselves.”

Even if all they say is “I care a lot about you.”   

You can see someone’s light shining. Or not.  But if you only see it for 15 minutes out of an hour…. ?  I need to see it, and trust it’s always there. I need to hear pure honest truth, without a spin on it.  I’ll find it too, one of these days. It’s rare. But he’s out there. 

Tidying Up

Posted on by learning to live like water

tidying up.png

I’m pretty happy tonight.  I was alone, really alone,  all day, but it was a good thing.  I got a bunch of paperwork done for my mom’s estate.  I did my taxes and filed them!  Yay! I paid all my bills, and that felt really good!!!  I wanted all that stuff done before I went to FL.  Now I can get ready for the trip and relax.

So, then I went through my summer clothes.  I washed what I felt needed to be.  I packed.  I was trying to to the small, carry-on.  But I’m going for a week.  Don’t think I can do it. I never understood shoe fetishes, where people were like Imelda Marcos.  But honestly, I am her for flip-flops.  I am taking maybe 6 pairs.  I am NOT taking maybe 10.  Geezus.  I do love flip-flops.  They just speak summer to me.  I even have a pair of flip flop earrings and a necklace with a flip-flop mother of pearl pendant.  I can’t wait to live somewhere where I get to wear them every friggin’ day.

While I was packing I started throwing stuff out again.  Literally, another 10 pair of flip-flops that are beyond wearable, lol.  I threw out 6 bras that are way too big for me, from when I weighed 30 or 40 lbs more.  I am not done.  I am going to keep throwing stuff!

I was told about a book last night by Montana, called something like , “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.” And then, my friend Emma talked about it in her blog today.  So there you go, it’s a sign, I need to buy the book .  I hope it’s available on kindle.  But it will be so much easier to pack for moving if I just purge and purge first.  So I was doing that today.  Purging.

Maybe more than clothes, lol.  Next is my kitchen.  That’s gonna be a trip.

I’ve made a nice dinner for my son and I.  I’m going to watch the final Downton Abby.  Dang, I will miss that show so much!!!   I’m having a 2nd glass of wine, because, dang, I got a lot done today.  I’m going to find a realtor in the town in FL I have my heart set on tonight and make an appt tomorrow for Friday.  FRIDAY!!

I talked to my sis today.  She paints, she is really good. She sells her paintings for some decent money. Anyway, they are having a show at the art center in her neighborhood, the night I get in.  So…I’ll have a place to wear my new dress!!  She is showing a painting there.  We’re going to drive around and check out the other neighborhood I might like.  It’s a village arts center.  It’s closer to her, but she doesn’t think it’s as nice as my first choice.  This trip is going to be so much fun, because it’s really going to give me a feel for living there, not just vacationing.

My sis is taking Tai Chi.  I hope she’ll show me some of what she has learned.  I have a CD, that I used to follow some mornings.  Maybe we’ll go to the beach and do it together!  That would be cool.  Tho I think she’s too shy, lol.  I am looking forward to walking on the beach every morning, swimming in her pool in the hot afternoons.  Clearing my head of the old, making room for the new.

Two days of work this week.  I can do this.

And here is the coolest thing about today!  I got my 200th follower!!! I am so excited.  I know in the scope of blogging 200 is a pretty small number, but I’m very excited about it!  So thank you America On Coffee, for being my 200th follower!

Life is so good.  Love and light to all.

On Being Half-Dead

Posted on by learning to live like water

Burial Cost

This poster was hanging from the ceiling of the bar I went to Friday night.  It’s kind of a western themed bar/cafe.  This sign tickled me, lol.  I took a picture, but I’m sorry about the quality.  I had to zoom in to make it legible, and it lost a lot of definition in doing that.

It made me think about how people walk around so unaware of the beauty and possibilities that life has.  If you’re walking around half-dead, then you can choose to be buried, quite inexpensively!  Or, you can choose to breathe in life, and rise.  There is always another choice.  As long as we breathe, there is another possibility.

There are thousands of them actually.

How do we choose?  It’s so easy to make the wrong decision, and end up far from where we want to be.

I think first, you have to believe that inside of you, and every sentient being, there is a center, connected to the One Thing, borne of the unconditional love of the universe.  Even if you don’t feel it at the moment, believe it is there.  That’s the  beginning.

And then, trust your gut.  Trust your third eye.  Trust your intuition.  Trust the way a choice makes you feel.  Don’t think about it, FEEL it.  Feel what is right for you.  And trust that.  It may seem harder.  It may seem unreasonable.  It may seem stupid.

People asked me why I would even want to talk to S, let alone be with him after what he did, last summer and fall.  But I trusted my gut.  There was something else I needed to know, to learn from one last go-round with him.

I don’t regret it.  I learned what I needed to.  And it allowed me to have clarity and let go.

I am trusting my gut on this move to Florida.  I am terrified, if I think about it.  Overwhelmed.  The logistics alone, of getting the house ready for sale, selling it, retiring, getting my house packed up and moving to a new place where I know 3 people well, 1500 miles from the place where I am comfortable every day of my life, all by myself?  It seems crazy.

I trust my gut, that it is absolutely the right thing for me to do. And I move ahead.

I got through my long contentious divorce, trusting my gut, going with the flow.  It’s how I freed my son, just listening to that inner voice.  Making choices that absolutely freaked my attorney out, and proved to be the exact right thing to do.

Sometimes, it requires stillness.  Sometimes you need to sit somewhere, and just clear your head and let the energy of the Universe fill you, and guide you.  Giving yourself a few minutes of stillness every day can give you the space to just know.

If you make a mistake, so what?  There is always a way back, or another path you can choose to get where you want to be.  If you know where it is you really want to be.

Sometimes we think want to be with a specific person, that we won’t be happy unless we are.  We make a mistake that sends that person packing, never to be seen again. Is that cause to lay down and die?  To spring for the $22.95 and get ourselves buried?

What did we really want?  What were we expecting to feel when we were with them?  Can we just realize that what we wanted them to fulfill in us, can be fulfilled in another way?  By ourselves, by our passions, or by finding someone else?  Was the mistake that we made a mistake?  Or just, a lesson, a signpost to point us in another direction, towards more personal fulfillment?

Thousands of choices. Every step is a choice.  If you run into a wall, change your course.  Find a way around it. Even the great wall of China has a beginning and an end.

Why waste a lifetime walking around half-dead?

 

Solitary Thoughts on Revenge, Truth, Happiness, and Love

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

your center

I was alone all day today, after my son went to work around noon. I was going to take a walk with a friend from my book club, but after I grocery shopped I was exhausted. I suppose because I only got about 4 hours sleep last night, and worked around the house changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning windows, until I went to the store. So, I didn’t go for the walk.

I had a text conversation with the new guy from a dating site, and it went nowhere. Boring, lol. Might have been a scammer, Idk. But when he asked what I wanted in a man, I said, “Hmmm, funny, interesting, creative, maybe slightly outside the box like me. Someone I feel a connection with.” And that was the last I heard from him, lol. Literally. Not, “well it’s been nice talking to you”, nothing. Just disappeared. I wasn’t interested at all, so didn’t follow it up. Boring. Self absorbed.

I had asked him why he was single. Was he divorced, or widowed? He said, “Didn’t you read that in my profile?” Well, if I did I forgot….. Geezus, I didn’t memorize it! So when he asked me what I wanted in a man, I said, in the middle of the description, “This is all in my profile too, lol.” Trying to make him look at himself. Apparently, he didn’t like me or me throwing his words back at him.

God I can’t put up with crap, at all, any more. Geezus. Be real.

When I said it, what I wanted in a man, I was actually describing all the things I loved about S. Too bad he balances it with all lies, deception, unhealthy living, not being able to stand in his story, not being able to own his actions. And casting blame all around him rather than look it in the eye and deal with it. Too bad he can’t recognize and accept love, given to him just because he was. Too bad he had to assign motive to it. Well, there was a motive, then. To help him to be happy. That was all. I already was, am. I loved him enough, just to want him to be.

I doubt that he is, happy. I doubt he has what he wants, and I doubt he even knows what that is. I don’t think it’s what he professed it to be, or his behavior would have been different. He had some pie in the sky thing that was going to make him happy, but it wouldn’t have. Sooner or later he would have fucked it up again. Because he couldn’t/can’t be happy on his own. He couldn’t/can’t love himself. Neither she nor I, nor both of us together at the same time, could love him enough for him to love himself. No matter if we both loved him with every fiber of our being. It would never have been enough.

It makes me hurt for him. But it doesn’t make me want to unblock him on my phone. I can’t do it again with him. Even if that’s not on the table, I have no way of knowing, and I am not going to take the chance.

I talked on the phone to Montana, my friend who lives up there, this afternoon for about an hour, maybe longer. That was nice. She had me google these Arched Cabins. They are pretty cool, I gotta say, and inexpensive. We talked about books, about dating, about our men or lack of, about our abusive ex’s, our kids. Covered a lot of ground, lol.

But then I was alone again. I have to stay busy when I’m alone, that’s when it would be easiest to crack the door open to S again. Just unblock him to see if he tried to reach me. Or just leave him a message. Or an email. Or a text, to see if he’d answer. Or carry on a conversation with him in my head that I will never have. It’s when I’m home, and alone, especially if I’m tired, that he starts creeping into my psyche again.

So, I vacuumed. I washed the floors. I made some buffalo wings. I cut up some fruit. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes on the couch.

Now I’m watching Wild, which was such a wonderful book, and the movie is very true to the book. I’ve seen her, Cheryl Strayed, many times, mostly on OWN. She is one amazing woman.

She undertook walking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail, the west coast equivalent of The Appalachian Trail on the east coast) because her life was a mess. She ruined her marriage cheating on her husband with anyone she met. She was a heroin addict for quite a while. So she walked this trail, by herself, about 2000 miles. She ended it a different person than she began.

I hope S can find his PCT, his journey out of the darkness. It’s my most sincere hope for him.

I know he thinks I posted the truth about our January together as revenge to him for saying he didn’t want me at his house. But it wasn’t revenge. It was for her, it was all for her, so she would know the truth he would never tell her. So she could decide, with all the facts in her hand, whether or not she really wanted to be with him or not. Maybe she did, maybe they reached some common ground. Maybe she walked away forever. Maybe she’s still stuck in limbo, loving a man who would screw her over because he has no center, no ability to make a good decision. No comprehension of right and wrong.  Loving a man who will always pick immediate gratification over the long term repercussions.  He’ll always deal with those if and when they show up.

I know she loved him. I know I loved him. Like I said before, it would never matter how much someone loved him. Until he can find his own light, and let it shine, no one can love him enough.

So I posted it for her. It had nothing to do with him. It was for her, I hoped she’d read it, and at least know the truth. I knew it would hurt. But not as much as finding out you’ve made a decision based on the lie that poured out of the mouth of someone you loved and wanted to trust. My mistake was thinking that love and trust went hand in hand. They should, but they don’t. Or didn’t, in this case.

He said all the right things to me during that short time. About changing, about living honestly. He confided many things to me that he had not before. I really had hope for him. Then the moment he was under pressure, he defaulted back to that underhanded man who can’t own his actions, who can’t stand in his story, who has to not be at fault for a situation he created.

And I knew then, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn’t have him in my life, no matter how much I loved him and wanted his happiness. I knew that at the end of the day, there would never be anything but endless pain for me if he was in my life.

It was small, compared to the betrayal of last summer. But it was the confirmation I needed. I needed to see if his words were real, or contrived to keep me in his bed, while he pulled himself together and figured out how to get her back. I got my answer. She told me, he can’t stand to be alone.

I don’t know if he is alone now or not. I am, but I’m ok with it. I can make myself happy. I have a rich full life without a man. Friends that call, that will go out with me. Things to do, things for which I have passion. I feel like I have a place in the world that I’m comfortable with.

I wish him well. I hope he finds some happiness, true, real happiness within himself before he dies. I hope she is well. I hope her heart is healing, and isn’t broken again. She’s still showing up on my FB page, I like to think that’s because we are friends on another level.

I suppose, considering the connection that I have always believed S and I have, that he and I are friends on some other level too.

So this blog has stretched out, lol. I guess I had a lot on my mind. Hope everyone has a nice evening. Or whatever it is, wherever you are. Love and light.

Just an Afterthought

Posted on by learning to live like water

I just remembered something about last night that my friend and I both found really cool.

We walked into this bar/cafe, and because they had a good band playing, even at 7:15 every seat was taken.  As we were looking around, a woman at the bar said to us, “We just came here for dinner, and we’ll be leaving in 15 or 20 minutes.  If you stay here, you can grab our seats when we go.”  They were sitting at the bar, which is our preferred place to sit, because it’s just more casual, presents a better opportunity to meet and talk with people. That was so cool!

Then while we were waiting, there was a high table, with no chairs, where we could stand and at least put our wine glasses on it.  As we stood there, another woman who was seated at a high bar on stools (there are individual high bar tables scattered around) offered to us the empty chair at her table.

When we finally sat down at the bar, which was only about 15 minutes later, we were sitting there, and had our coats on the back of the bar chairs.  My coat fell off, unknown to me, and someone came over, picked it up, and gave it to me.

Just people, being so nice!!!  People talking, like family.  It was a neighborhood bar.  Small. The bartenders were 3 women, so friendly, so nice.  The people at the bar all talked to each other.  Someone came and asked us to dance, I deferred to my friend, lol.  She loves to dance, I am ok with it, but was not feeling like moving after 3 glasses of wine, lol.  While she danced a man next to me began a convo with me.  He was younger than me, and I think he really had his eye on my friend who was dancing, she was much closer to his age (she’s 50, I’m 64) .  But he asked how long I’d been single, we compared our ring “scars”!  LOL.  He’d been married 22 years. Me, 32.  We kind of understood each other, lol.

It was just so pleasant, to actually have people who were friendly, kind, normal interaction with fellow human beings.  We had a blast.  My friend was so happy she got to dance.

It restored my faith, that most people in this world are good and kind, and loving people.  I guess that’s why I had such a good time.

Saturday Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I answered the man who sent me the nice message yesterday.  It will be interesting to see where that goes, if anywhere.  I hope he’s not boring.  That is the kiss of death with me, lol.  I suppose people might think, don’t you want someone who’s boring, I mean, haven’t I had enough of men who aren’t?  Well, no, I believe for some reason that there are men who aren’t boring, who can love passionately too.  I have some hope, he paints, so the fact that he is creative usually speaks to whether or not he’s boring.  He seemed sincere anyway.

I was thinking yesterday about the last time I went to Florida, last June, to see my mother. I was so angry that S suddenly decided not to go with me, after finding cheap fares, and car rental, etc.  It was a no-brainer, to stay for free at my sister’s beautiful home 2 blocks from the ocean. We’d have had the place to ourselves, because my sister and brother-in-law weren’t there then.  Suddenly he had a huge change of heart, of course, because B was back in his life and he couldn’t be honest and tell me.  I was angry about it for half the summer.

Now, I’m SO GLAD that he didn’t.  Now I don’t have any memories of him there with me.  There is nothing that will be tainted with a memory of him.  Funny how the Universe works that way.  It was doing me a huge favor, which I couldn’t see til now.

I’m pretty excited to think about seeing a sunset over the Gulf on Wednesday evening.  Long term forecast is perfect for down there.

B is still showing up on my FB list of people available to chat.  Though it never shows her available.  I guess that we are friends energetically, lol.  I hope she’s well.  I hope she’s not been sucked in again by him.

Lots to do this weekend, so I guess I’d better get started, lol. Love and light, and laughter, everyone.

 

There is Life After…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m writing incessantly, it seems, or at least feels like.  I’m apparently not, but I am constantly, in my mind, writing.  It is crazy.

I went out with my friend tonight.  We had such a great time.  The band, called Mixed Signals, was great! I wasn’t paying that much attention til they played Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic” which is one of my favorites by him.  So much music that I could relate to, and sing along with, and dance in my seat to.  The crowd was my age.  We even had conversations with age appropriate men!  I showed one man, who asked how long I’d been single, my wedding ring scar, lol .  Anyway a great time was had by all.  I may have more in the morning to say about it.  It’s late, way past my bedtime, but I need to unwind, and so, here I am blogging, lol.

I came home and my son’s friend who is a chef at Bobby Flays was in the kitchen at 11 PM.  They were cooking bacon, and putting it on the left over hot dog buns from the last time he was here, with my buffalo chicken meatballs, heated up by sauteing in the bacon grease.  Damn, they looked good!!!  And Brian, the real chef, did something with the left over pasta I had in the fridge too.  I sat and talked with the boys, there were 3 total, for awhile, and laughed.  Oh God I love people who can make me laugh.

Laughter is so important, it’s as important as good sex, really. To have good sex with someone is one type of connection, but if they can make you laugh too?  Damn, that’s worth trying to hold on to.

He’s out there.  He wasn’t there tonight, but we made some progress, lol.  It was so much fun to be out among people, listening to good music, talking to real men who have no serious crazy fucking issues at least, not at first sight.  Men leaning in close to talk to you, putting their hand on your arm, or shoulder.  It was nice…it was really nice.

I got a message from a man today that seems worth following up.  He said more than one sentence in his message, and seemed seriously interested.  And not a scammer, he had way too much detail for a scammer. And proper syntax in his sentences.  I will follow up tomorrow, after I’ve had a decent night’s sleep.

Just sayin’, there’s life after a break-up.  Even if you loved the man with every fiber of your being.  Go out and have yourself some fun.  And then come home and have it with your kids, lol.

Life is so good.  Love and light, everyone.

 

 

A Little Twilight-Zone-ish

Posted on by learning to live like water

twilight zone

Do I live in the twilight zone?  I mean, really.  The ex-(last I heard she was an ex but I’m completely out of the loop so maybe not) girlfriend continues to show up on my FB page, under the list of friends who are on line, or were recently.  There is no indication of her being online or that she was recently.  But her name and profile pic show in the list.

But we are not FB friends, never have been.  We messaged for a short time, when she asked for my email address (because he took the letter out of her mailbox that had my contact info in it).  I sent her a friend request when we first contacted.

I deleted the convo, and cancelled the request, since it was still just sitting there.  It was not because I don’t like her, I actually do, I think she is nice, and kind, and gracious, and has been beat up by this man beyond compare emotionally. (Even more than me, if that’s possible.  Although I run a very close second.)  But at first her profile picture on my list of friends just kind of freaked me out,  and reminded me of things I’d rather forget.  Now, Idk, I guess because she’s still showing up and there’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll just think of her as a friend, energetically.  We were both f’d over by the same man, we have an awful lot in common.  Perhaps it’s the universe’s way of telling me something.

If she is with him, or considering it, I wish her well, and hope he learned his lesson and doesn’t break her heart again.

Who knows?

I am looking quite forward to going out tonight.  Then working on the house this weekend.  And getting my summer clothes ready for Florida next week.  🙂 Life is good, still.  Always.

Love and light, all.