The Evolution of the End

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been writing so much in the mornings lately that I haven’t had time to do my meditation, and I think I’m feeling it.  It’s such a good way to start the day, to become centered and grounded.  To step back and just let myself be.

This morning seems to be full of promise.  Letting out the “I Wonder” emotions last night seemed to be a clearing, cleansing experience, to put that energy out to the universe.  He is who he is, I don’t think there will ever be a significant change, in his default setting.  I’m sorry for him, that he feels the need to blame me, or anyone else, for the decisions he makes.  And then to run away, to silence…IDK.  It’s all the way it’s supposed to be though.  It’s easier to move on when we don’t talk, and that’s what he wants me to do, apparently, and that’s what I want to do.

It’s all about trust, really.  And the marble jar is empty.  He put in a few marbles, and dumped them out.  I think for me, I need to cap the jar and not even make it accessible. He’s not looking to build my trust, but the thing is…either you are trustworthy or not.  Not with just me, but with everyone.  And he’s not.  He’s just not.

It’s good to see him as he is, it makes it easier to continue moving away from the old, into the life I want.  In the words of Fleetwood Mac, (Silver Spring) “I began not to love you. Turn around and see me running.  I’ll say I loved you years ago, Tell myself you never loved me, no….”  Because  I did, and he didn’t, and I’m running.

I hope she can run too, or at least walk.  I don’t see a change ever happening.  Because it has to happen across the board.  He can’t recreate himself for her, and be someone else the rest of the time.

Life is good.  Spring is 33 days away.  🙂  Gotta get my muffler fixed, now that my wiper blades work.  Things to do, places to go, people to meet.

Onward.

I Wonder

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

foggy
Sometimes I still wonder
What it was.
Was it real?
Did it matter?

Most of the time,
I just let it go.
Sometimes,
A stray memory
Pops out of the recesses of my heart
Or pang of loneliness
Wanders in the door,
They sit down beside me,
(I’m guessing they visit her too.)
And look me in the eye,
Or take my hand,
Asking questions
That have no answers.

Not for me.
Not for her.
No one knows
But him.
Even though
He says he doesn’t.

Even now.
With all the words that were spoken
All the love that was given
And taken
All the pain that was endured
All the forgiveness that was given
I wonder.

A Winter’s Tale

Posted on by learning to live like water

winter

Have I mentioned how much I hate winter?

My son took my car to work yesterday, because it’s slightly better in the snow than his car.  It was snowing when he left, and most of the day, though it only accumulated an inch or two.  Then it changed to freezing rain.  Rain that freezes on contact with the ground because the ground is so frigid.  On his way home one of my windshield wipers flew off…of course the drivers side…..so he had to drive home in this horrible weather at 9 last night, without a wiper.  We’ll have to go get one this morning before I go to work, which wouldn’t be a big deal except the roads right now are ice-coated.  I’ll be lucky to get to work by noon, I think.

Not to mention that he went to put windshield washer fluid in my car before he left and the fitting that holds the bar that you use to hold up the hood, snapped, just broke off when he put the bar up.  It was plastic, and riveted onto the car….and I think it was just too cold.  It was probably 5°  or 10° in my garage.  I have no idea how it will be replaced, since it was riveted on, not screwed on.

Only 34 days til spring…..

 

Why I Forgive

Posted on by learning to live like water

Someone told me tonight that my ability to forgive is amazing.  While that is a compliment, (I think, lol), I thought about it for awhile, and why that is.  I have endured a lot of pain at someone else’s hand, yet I can’t stay angry, and I am constantly looking for a way to forgive, and move on, move forward.

I think that the poster below says it better than anything I could.  Brene Brown explains human nature to me as no one else has ever been able.  When I read this, I know this person doesn’t believe they are worthy of love and belonging.  I know they are, worthy of it, that’s all.  I know everyone is, just because they exist, for no other reason.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what was done to me was right, it doesn’t mean I want that person in my life.  It just means that what they did cannot hurt me anymore, and it recognizes that people are generally doing the best they can.  The best they can based on their level of consciousness at the time.  It doesn’t mean that I want that level in my life.  Forgiveness acknowledges a person’s innate worth.  As she says, it’s an irreducible need of all people to be loved.  I will always love this person.  I have forgiven everything.  And I move on with my life.

 

irreducable need.png

If you have been hurt by someone, or something, and you can’t seem to get your footing back, I highly recommend Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong.  She will help you get off the floor and back to a standing position, to heal your wounds and move on with your life.

Cleaning House, Frozen Pipes….UGH.

Posted on by learning to live like water

I spent my day off more or less productively.  I got done what I’d said I would.  Got my two spare bedrooms cleaned, and my hallway carpet.  I found a bag full of clothes in my size that hadn’t fit me, and I had stuffed them away “for when they fit”.  LOL.  Always the plan, to get into these smaller clothes at some point.  Well, I took them out and I found a new pair of pants, two pairs of shorts, and two shirts and a jacket that fit.  Cool….Most of them still had tags on them!

And I made some cookies.  They are called “pecan clouds” and are basically meringue stuffed with pecans.  One of my and my son’s favorite cookies.  Not a ton of sugar, but really good.  If you like pecans.

Now I’m having a drink.  The energy spike about his health comes and goes, but I’ve gotten some assistance with it, which is greatly appreciated.

It’s been so frigid here for the last 2 days. Lows well below 0, highs in the 10’s.    The pipes to my washing machine are inside a common wall with the garage which is not heated, and have frozen.  I thawed them out with the hair dryer, ran a load of laundry, and they froze again.  So, thawing them again. It should warm up enough tonight that they won’t do it anymore.

And it’s snowing again, and going to change to rain, which will freeze.  The temp tomorrow will be 70° higher than yesterday.  WTF.

Fun.  Winter fun.  It’s a chapter in my book, “Why I want to live in Florida”.  LOL.

 

Sometimes No Answer is the Answer We Need

Posted on by learning to live like water

no-answer

It is so lovely to be off on Monday.  Not only for the extra day off, but because a 4 day work week is so much more palatable than a 5 day.  Sigh…..

I have sent S a text and left a voice mail, asking him about a dr appt he had Friday.  Previously he’d promised to let me know what happened, but I got so angry with him last week for his inability to own his actions, and then to blame me for them, thus denying me once again, that except for one voice mail from him I have not heard from him.  He has not responded to my requests to be informed.

So, I’m just going to have to not know, I guess.  It bothers me somewhat, since I have had such energetic pulls regarding his health in the last few months.  Even when we didn’t speak for two months, I sent him an email saying, please go to the dr.  I have a bad feeling here.  It also bothers me because I told him that whatever it was, I’d be beside him, he wouldn’t be alone.  A promise I’d be hard-pressed to keep at this moment, and perhaps one he doesn’t want me to keep anyway.  IDK.

Besides, I guess I don’t need to know, really.  I need to not be tied to the dysfunction that has commanded front and center in my life for the last month, to let it go, and move away from it.  I removed myself, so the others involved could deal with their issues without my energy.  Even if he had bad news at the dr, I still need to be removed, I guess.

I’ll be in FL in about 3 weeks for a week’s vacation.  My sis and I are going to find a realtor to just begin the search for the neighborhood I want, and research what’s affordable in the places I’m looking at, and who knows maybe come up with some other places. I can get info about the taxes, about the insurance regulations down there, etc.   I’m so looking forward to a clean fresh start, leaving all the old pain and sadness and angers behind me.  It will be so much fun, to actually be moving down the path to this dream, instead of just dreaming.

I am still so excited that my friend may have a buyer for my house.  I have been asking the Universe to let me sell this house quickly and easily….could this be the universe bringing me what I ask for?  Maybe…we’ll see.  It wouldn’t be the first time I have gotten the answer I needed and wanted.

I’d sure like to get off this bumpy road, onto some smoothly paved road with beautiful scenery.  It’s work, but I’ll get there.

Love and light to all.

Looking Good…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

life is good

I’m so excited. I was out with a friend, at a local watering hole this afternoon. We were celebrating her daughter passing her nursing board exams.  It took her six years of school, because she was always working full time, but she did it and found out she passed this morning.

This is an old friend, I have known the daughter since she was 6 years old.  Now she’s 25.  And an RN.  So proud and happy for her.  Her mom, my friend, is also an RN.

But anyway, my friend said she had a friend who was looking to move from her neighborhood in a suburb, out to the town where my friend and I live. She currently lives in a development that has no privacy, no outdoor space for her 6 month old.  She is looking to spend what I want for my house.

My house sounds perfect for her.  3 bdr, 2 1/2 baths, full finished basement, a family neighborhood with lots of kids, (a 2 yr old next door), and she’s looking in my price range.  So my friend is going to tell her about my house.  There might be a chance I could sell it without having to pay a realtor!!!  OMG, that would be so cool.

It’s just a chance, but it’s a chance.  Wow.  Maybe the universe is really working in my behalf!  How awesome is that??!!

Warming me up.  Today was utterly frigid, it was -8°F when I got up at 7 AM.  Wind chills of -25°F. Brrrr.  But that news warmed me right up.  As did the 3 glasses of wine, and a band at the bar that was playing all my  music.  Neil Young, Allman Bros….it was a lot of fun, and fun to see the kids, her daughters,  all grown up.  So happy about that.

I was hoping to get out today, just to get out and get a change of scene.  I’ve been trying to un-stick myself.  It was lovely to get out with an old friend, and have fun, and see the kids and celebrate with them.  And then the added bonus that she may have a buyer for my house!!  Wow….Awesome.

Great day.  Happy.  Excited.   Life is looking good at the moment.  Really good.

 

Night and Day, #2

Posted on by learning to live like water

I wrote this some time ago, and I just found it and decided to post it.  Why did I care, after all that happened?  Maybe this explains, maybe not, but I think it is how it is.  I called it

Night and Day, #2

 

You were always night
I was always day.
Never to share the same space
You said.
Passing each other at dusk and dawn.
Creating the most beautiful times of day.
The most intensely amazing.

 

What can one know about the night?
About the power of the darkness,
And the beauty?
The peace?
Nothing…..
Without the brightness of the day?

 

What can one know about the day?
About the power of the light?
And the beauty?
The joy?
Nothing…..
Without the darkness of the night.

Together, a complete circle,
A whole.

For this, I am grateful.
For your presence in my life
I am grateful.

For this, I love you.
For your darkness I love you.
For the rest from the brightness of day
I love you.
For the stars in your indigo sky,
For the moon in your heaven.
I love you.

Thank you.

Petitioning the Universe

Posted on by learning to live like water

thoughts

Unsettled this morning. Feeling an energetic pull into that which I want to leave behind me.  And actually, know I should, for my own well-being.  However, to not act when I feel this is so hard.  Trying to just sit with it.

There comes a point when everyone has to look within, because there are no answers externally.  There is always a way, the universe will always open a door if you can surrender control to it.  It’s not an easy journey, but it’s worth it.  So worth it.

I’m trying to find my own door.  I’m trying to surrender my concerns to the universe, because I have no control over them anyway.  The energetic pull is not a sign, it’s just an empathetic feeling I have of the struggle of someone else.  It’s a struggle I should not get involved in, again.  It demands too much of me.

Still…it’s hard to ignore.

Petitioning the universe, to keep everyone safe, to open the doors that will shine the light, to connect all the dots in everyone’s highest good.  Sending love and light.