Making Plans To Be Happy!

Posted on by learning to live like water

I just had a long talk with my friend from high school who lives where I want to move in Florida.  She is one of the most interesting people I know.  She’s an artist, was a merchant marine for many years, and was married to the 2nd mate of the ship. Her whole family at one time worked on the ships.  Now she is an artist, first, she paints.  Her work is so vibrant and full of color.

Pat's art

pat's art2

Anyway, I am going to see her while I’m in Florida at my sis’s.  She said I could stay there for a night, and see a realtor one day and spend a day with her.  If I can get a car to get there, but my sis may loan me her car.  Or maybe I could rent one. IDK.

Anyway, she has been singing with a friend of hers, blues, at some local watering holes.  She has a blast, gets free drinks, and has fun doing it.  She says she knows a bunch of hot old men musicians my age!  LOL!!!

Then we began talking about having an art studio when I move down there, so she’d have a place to paint, and I could make jewelry, write, whatever.  She has a couple other friends who are some type of artist who might want to go in on it too.  This town is full of galleries and artists, etc.  She also said there are many venues to practice reiki for money.  I’m pretty excited about it!  I may be able to make money and not have to get a regular job!

It’s looking good….Firming up every day.  Big changes in the works, fun, necessary, happy changes.  I’m getting really excited about it.  The universe is listening, it seems.

Love and light everyone.

I’ll Be Gone

Posted on by learning to live like water

I'll be gone

Darkness falls outside my windows.
The daylight travels from one side of my house
To the other,
And fades to azure twilight
And then,
To indigo night.

Alone all day,
With my thoughts
Cleaning,
Cooking,
Folding Laundry.
Music playing,
Floors gleaming

Thoughts……
Idle stream of consciousness
A glimpse of the point,
Islands in the distance.
A glimpse of the chapel,
Waves lapping the shore.

Words spoken, confusion
Love……filling the space
To find the way through it.
To find a way for hope to grow
A way to go on.

Love, that only asked for your happiness
Was all there was.
There was no cost to give it.
There was no price exacted.

But one was paid anyway.
It cost a friendship.
Love only went one way
That day.
And every day.

And once again,
It was thrown out
Like yesterday’s trash.

There is no pain
You are receding.
There is no loss,
I never had anything to lose.

But you…..
Maybe you did.
Maybe you do.

My thoughts, idle
Move away
To somewhere distant.
You may look for me some day,
Trying to understand
This chaos that you created.
But I’ll be gone,
You won’t see me.
You won’t find me.
I’ll be gone.

Peace.

Leaning In

Posted on by learning to live like water

lean-into-discomfort-1024x673

I’m a little fuzzy this morning, ever so slightly hung over from staying out and having that one more glass of wine last night. We had a nice time. The restaurant had a blues band playing, complete with a keyboard player, a couple of saxophones, two guitars, a drummer. They were good! We sat at the bar, talked to a guy who was a retired attorney for awhile. Nice guy, but obviously still angry at his wife for custody issues when he got divorced, and his kids are adults with kids of their own. Talk about holding on to something.  He was my age, but I think his interest was in my 50 yr old friend, lol. Whatever, we had a nice time. It’s always nice to get out.

My friend and I are in sync with our relationships, both of us having ended one in which we were passionately in love. We can relate. When I got home I was actually missing S, and in my weakened, too much alcohol state, it was all I could do not to text him. I wrote about it instead, but chose not to publish it. I figured I might feel different when I woke this morning. And I do. It was a wave, it wasn’t a permanent state of being. A week ago I never thought I’d ever miss him, lol. And today, I don’t miss him, not that way. I’m pretty sure yesterday’s work on understanding what was going on was just stuff that came up with the help of the gongs, that needed to be sat with, so it could dissipate. It seems to be where I am today. Learning to lean into the discomfort, and deal with it.

This is why I go to the gongs. They facilitate going deep enough, gently enough, in a safe, supportive environment, to allow the stuff that we need to let go of, show up, so we can let it go. The stuff we bury doesn’t die. We have to deal with it, in a healthy way, that is sometimes painful for the moment, but leaves you free to move forward. So yesterday was a kind of rough day, but totally worth it and it ended well.

It was so warm yesterday, so spring like! Almost 60, after being below 0 just a week ago. It was nice to go out and not have to dress in so many layers. Today promises to be the same. It’s bright and sunny out. Such a nice break from winter.

The friend I was out with is the friend who knows someone who might want my house. She told me last night they are very interested, and will probably want to see the house in the next couple of weeks. Which means, I have to continue the deep cleaning I started last week. I took a bunch of pics yesterday of the outside of the house, and my living room, and sent them to my friend. This would be so amazing if it worked. If it gets to the point of them wanting to see the house, I’ll have to get one of those “For Sale By Owner” kits, lol. I’m beginning to think the Universe thinks I need to get moved ASAP, lol!

Well, the coffee pot is on, I’m on my second cup. I need to shake the fog out of my head so I can get some productive work done on the house today. Maybe a couple ibuprofen would help, lol. I started the kitchen yesterday, but have a lot more to do.

I also want to do some cooking today. Making BBQ beef in my crock pot, and I’ve been dying for cheddar cheese cauliflower sausage soup. That will give me left overs for the week.

It’s amazing though to me, that with all this stuff to do, and with a slight hangover, I am motivated to get it done. Feel like I’m picking up speed on the walking away thing.

Love and light to all.

 

 

 

 

Don’t Look Back

Posted on by learning to live like water

don't look back

Maybe I tried too hard to dig down and let stuff go last night, because he’s been in my head all day. Not all good, not all bad, just is there. It could be just those bottom layers, coming up, needing to be sat with before they will depart for good. IDK. You’d think with all the work, and cord cutting he’d be gone from me. It scares me to think I may never be rid of this connection with him.

I’m cleaning the house, and once again, ridding it of things that remind me of him. I need to put away the prism light he gave me, taken out when he came to see the day after my mother died. I was so bereft, and he offered, and I was so glad to see him, and have him here. His presence was comforting, and sweet, and caring. We didn’t intend to do what we did, but I guess it’s’ just how we are. I remember putting my hands over my face, wondering what I was doing, but not stopping. It felt like I was undoing some of the torture from the way we ended last October. I remember not wanting him to leave.

I have to put away the coaster I put back on his side of my bed, taken out when he spent the night here a few days later. And used again, a few days after that.

Small things…..that’s all I have are small things. Except memories. None of them are small enough.

I wasn’t looking for a commitment. I knew he was confused, hell, I was SO confused, and he professed to love her but be mad at her for “running”, after telling him she could deal with whatever was in my blogs. She couldn’t, not many women could. I told him that. I was just happy to be with him. We felt close, he confided so much in me, I talked him down, I made him see that all might not be lost. I probably also thought, how much could he love her, if he’s in my bed a week after she leaves him? But never said so, I didn’t want to know the answer. I was in the moment, I loved him, I wanted nothing but his happiness, and to be with him. I saw him in pain over her, and tried to help. It wasn’t even hard to do. We pledged our close friendship always.

And then he turned on me, when she found out that the following weekend I’d spent it at his house with him. He’d already said he wanted to cool it between us, he needed time to think. I was ok with that. But I wasn’t ok when he found out she was hurt by it, and said he hadn’t wanted me there. That I was pushing. That was so untrue, that was such an attempt to rewrite history. He wanted me there, just like he wanted to come up here the week before. 3 times in a week. Even that day, that he found out that she knew. Hours before that he’d asked me to call him and wake him from a nap. So, I did, and he kept saying how he wished I was there. To negate that there was something between us, because she was hurt, was so disingenuous, so hurtful, such a betrayal, again. It wasn’t all lust. We spent hours talking, literally hours. More than ever before. Every night, texting in the day, and suddenly he’s telling me I was pushing and he didn’t want me there. It angered me more than hurt me, because I had no expectations of a future with him. I’m moving, he’s a mess….I just didn’t expect him to disown whatever it was that we had. It wasn’t what he had with her, but it was something. It meant something to both of us.

So, today, I will put these things away. I’ll get out my sage smudge sticks and cleanse the energy in the house, and also around me. Someone told me to ask for my aura to be protected from his energy, so I’ll do that too.

I’m going out with a friend tonight. Food, drinks, a band. It will be good to be around people, it will bring me back to this moment, the present moment. To the good life that I have. I’ll remember how little joy there is with him, in the long run, it always ends up being painful, I always end up hurt. I will walk, not run, away. Just walk at my own pace, there’s nothing chasing me, even though I’ve been looking over my shoulder, wondering. I need to remember there’s no joy in the place I’m walking away from. So stop looking back.

Requests to the Universe

Posted on by learning to live like water

Daylight broke, and I didn’t wake until it was creeping tentatively through the edges of my windows around the shades.  It was lovely to sleep a little late, and have slept well.  When I got home from the gongs, and finished writing, I was just bone tired.  I think I let go of a lot last night, I let a lot of stuff that I don’t even realize or recognize, come up and begin to make it’s way out.  I felt kind of the way you feel after a really good cry, but I didn’t cry.  I only knew what I had to do to move on with my life, and did what I could to facilitate it.

Today I have no anger, at least at the moment, nor any great love.  Not really any over whelming emotion if I think about the events of the 6 weeks.  I have not heard from S since his voice mail wondering why I was so angry.  That’s a good thing.  I’m grateful for his reticence.

I’m looking forward to a calm productive weekend.  My friend, who knows someone who might want my house, texted me yesterday and said her friend is definitely interested!!  She asked me to send her any pics of the house I have.  I had none on my phone, but will take some if I can this weekend.  I may have some on this computer, but really…don’t often take pics of the house!  LOL.

I have been asking the universe to let me sell my house quickly and easily now for months.  Well, it can’t get much easier than this, if it works out!  I’m not banking on it, but the fact is there is a possibility!  When I bought the house, I had a picture in my head of the house I wanted, and this house fit the picture perfectly.  I also have a pic of the house I want in Florida, so I’m hoping and believing I will find it.

I guess that’s what I need to do with love, lol.  Ask the universe for the man I want, and need.  Picture in my mind someone actually capable of a great love, someone who knows how to build trust, and give of themselves.  Someone who can be as passionate as I can be.  I gotta believe he’s out there, and the universe will put him in my path.

I love Van Morrison.  I have a ton of his music on my phone.  I have to say, that my favorite of his songs is probably “Someone Like You”.  Which might make it my favorite song ever, lol.   I used to think, back before it all began to fall apart, that was S for me.  That thought, obviously, was so wrong.  I wasn’t ready for the man I will eventually find. I was unable to believe S when he told me who he was, literally, and he was most certainly the guy he said he was.  At least, that’s the one that manifested.  Regardless of the fact that I could see through it, and always saw the beautiful soul that he denied.  But the point is, now I hear the song and think, “Someone like you” is still out there, walking toward me as I walk toward him.

If you don’t know the song, here’s a link, with the lyrics.  This morning it makes me hopeful  Have a wonderful day.  Life is good.

Working Hard at Letting Go

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m back from the gongs.  I kind of set an intention in keeping with my last few blogs, to let go of that which no longer serves.  I have done this on many levels, but if I want to fully cleanse myself, I need to do it at some very deep levels, where this attachment, this connection is hiding out.

I lay on my back for much of it.  Usually after about 5 or 10 minutes I am kind of curled into a fetal position, lol.  Tonight, I just wanted the vibrations to slide down and through my body, to enter everywhere there is a crack or a wound.  I kept thinking about, just let it go, just let it go, with love and light, just let it go.

This connection is hard-wired I am afraid.  I finally was asking for help from whatever spirits might be available, particularly Archangel Michael who has that awesome blue sword, to come in and cut the connections during the tsunami’s of sound .  In the vibration of the gongs, I could visualize the energy cords radiating out from me, and Archangel Michael gracefully slicing them all away from me.   I repeated the mantra, that I no longer want, no longer welcome, any energy connections from him.

I have done this before.  I did it with my ex husband and it worked quite well.  I have done it with S, and it works for a day, for an hour, for whatever, it’s never been permanent.  I asked that it be made permanent.  Regardless of it’s origin.  You may remember that my friend who is a medium suggested to me that he was my twin flame, and that’s why the connection couldn’t be broken.  I asked tonight that even if that’s the case, which I hope and pray it is not, that the connection must be able to be severed somehow.

I’m ok, for most of the time.  I don’t get sad, but I do get angry at the betrayal again, just of the last few weeks.  The dishonor he puts on me, saying the things he did, and on himself, and on her, not trusting her with the truth.  Seriously, an untruth honors no one.  But these are things I need to let go of on the deeper level.  I suppose I’m really angry at myself for believing him for those 3 weeks.  Believing that he’s gone low enough to change, that he’d hit his bottom and could now manifest the man I’ve always seen beneath his bullshit.

Well, now I know.  I don’t know what it is with him that when she shows up in his life he becomes a total asshole. Well, he does, that’s all.  It’s not m problem any more.

Often times, the effects of the gongs don’t show up right away.  Often the work shows up in the next few days, as your body absorbs and assimilates and adjusts.  So tonight I’m going to bed quite tired, quite exhausted, content, relaxed.  Knowing that I am doing the work that needs to be done to release myself.  I wished he weren’t so much on my mind tonight, but he was, so it is what it is.  I have to allow it and deal with it, and not bury it, or ignore it.  Let it in,  make it’s presence known and then, let it leave through the back door.

So here’s to letting go of stuff we don’t want, need, or serves us any purpose.  No matter what the origin.  There has to be a way, in this lifetime, to walk away from it 100%.  If anything can help, it will be the gongs.

Sleeping Under My Own Power

Posted on by learning to live like water

Before-I-Sleep

I have discovered a secret to sleeping well, I think.  I suppose it’s not a secret, and well-known by people more enlightened than me.  I’m not, historically a good sleeper.  I used to be, when I was much younger, until I spent years in an abusive marriage.  Being hypervigilant every minute is not good for sleep.

The last few nights I’ve had trouble getting to sleep, or staying asleep.  I’ve resorted to a low dose Ambien a couple times, because I have to have at least 5 hours of sleep to be functional at work for 9 hours.  6 or 7 is better, but 5 is the minimum.  I don’t like doing that, though, and don’t want it to be the habit it was for 6 months, when I had carpal tunnel, and after, when S did his thing to blow my world apart.

Last night, when I shut my light off, I snuggled under my comforter, and began to recite a list of things I was grateful for.  Actually saying, thank you thank you for things like, my warm bed.  My warm house.  Food in my pantry.  My son in his space.  My upcoming trip to Florida.  My sweet cat.  The ability to pay for the muffler that I just had put on the car.  My friends.  That I have two wonderful sisters.  That I had such loving parents.

On and on.

And I slept well, and easily. When I woke at 12:45, I did the same thing, and fell back to sleep easily.  Same when I woke around 3:30

Another benefit was that I woke this morning in a good mood.  I actually woke in a state of happiness, and that’s been a long time coming.  It’s so lovely to wake up and look forward to the day, not to wish I could just stay under the covers for 3 more hours.

Tonight I have gongs again.  Gongs and crystal bowls and drums and bells, I am looking so forward to it.  Always.  It always seems like perfect timing.  Such a good place, a good way, to let go of anything that no longer serves.  If you follow my blog, you know I have plenty of that!

So here’s to letting go of the stuff that keeps us up, and being grateful for the things that make our lives beautiful!  Love and light, all.

Someday I’ll Be Whole Again

Posted on by learning to live like water

I heard this song for the first time in a very long time today.  And I wanted to Lay Me Down…  Seemed appropriate.  No matter how strong I feel, I know there are layers still to peel back, I know there are pieces of my heart and my soul, still to be retrieved and put in their place.  Someday I’ll be whole again.  Closer to it every minute.

Driving out through the windmills
And some of them were still
Sometimes it’s hard to catch the wind
And bend it to your will

Even though it’s hard to know
Just how the story ends
The road is long and it takes its time
On that you can depend

Lay me down in the river
And wash this place away
Break me down like sand from a stone
Maybe I’ll be whole again one day

Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I’ll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I’ll be whole again

Somewhere between Heaven and Hell
A soul knows where it’s been
I want to feel my spirit lifted up
And catch my breath again

Lay me down in the river
And wash this place away
Break me down like sand from a stone
Maybe I’ll be whole again one day

Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I’ll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I’ll be whole again
Lay me down, lay me down
Maybe I’ll be whole again one day

Songwriters
VINER, DAVID ANTHONY

 

Stained Glass Windows

Posted on by learning to live like water

stained glass

My book club is reading Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection this month.  It’s a quick read, and kind of sets the basis for her next two books, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, which for me had a huge impact on my life.  The quote above was in the book, and I read it last night.

Isn’t this true?  I could go on, about people who never let their light shine, people who want the external light to make them become beautiful, people who don’t believe they even have a light. I have known these people.  But lately, I feel like that has been me.

My light hasn’t been shining lately, from within.  I have been angry, hurt, disappointed, betrayed by the actions of others.  I read this quote and realized I need to stop.  I need to cut the cords (again) that connect me that way.  It’s not the kind of energy I generally like to carry around with me.

Everyone has their own journey, and I know mine doesn’t include constant unhappiness any longer.  No one can be in a constant state of happiness, but I can get back to my overall normal state of being happy,  being grateful for all my blessings, of forgiving and letting go, of seeking the light, not the darkness, and it’s the light within me that I want to pull the layers of darkness off of.

My lesson at the moment, is that when people behave in ways that dim my light, to walk away from them.  To let them go.  There are so many people who are innately unhappy.  I feel for them.  I have had an overabundance of empathy for them, and tried to help them find their way out of the dark.

It’s not my job.  Not to be cold, but to be real, to acknowledge that everyone has their own journey, and I can’t over-invest myself in trying to help those who are determined to live in darkness.  Everyone has a light buried somewhere in there.  They can deny it, they can cover it up, it still burns.  The fact that I could see it and want to see it shine, doesn’t make it my job to uncover it.

Everyone has autonomy over their journey.  We can’t know what anyone’s soul’s journey is, and there is always free will added to the mix.  Everyone has their karmic lessons to learn, and everyone has the choice to learn them or not.

It’s not my job to teach them.  It’s my job to learn my own lessons, and let the light within me radiate out.  If I am to teach them, let it be by example. Rumi says “The wound is where the light enters you.”  Leonard Cohen says, “There is a crack in everything.  That’s how the light gets in.”  I think I’ve been wounded again recently, that cracks have been reopened.  But I hope now, that enough light has gotten in, that I can continue my journey back to source.  I wish those well, who still cover their light.  My journey takes me away from them, from that sadness and pain.

As usual, my prayer is that the Universe work it all out for the highest good of all.  Love and light to all.

 

 

Crazy Day, With a Few Demons Thrown In

Posted on by learning to live like water

werid

Kind of a weird day…..

First of all, I had to spend $345 on a new muffler.  My son chastised me because I never wash my car, so the undercarriage never gets washed.  The muffler was rotted out.

None of that would be a reason to chastise me, except that for 30 years my ex and I ran 3 full service car washes.  And I KNOW that it’s true.  Now that I have to actually pay for a car wash…it’s maybe once every 3 or 4 months.  And I hate waiting in line for a car wash, so….I won’t stop if there are more than a couple of cars in line.

Make it past tense…I know better.  I’ll do better.  LOL..  Plus I will move where the roads are not coated with salt and other stuff 4 months out of the year.

Then…I may have written some of this awhile ago.  Can’t remember, not going to go look it up.  Last summer when S disappeared for 4 days, after stopping me from breaking up with him with the excuse he was really sick, he had terrible headaches, he was going for an MRI and a CATscan to make sure he didn’t have a tumor or an aneurysm.  That was on the weekend, and on the following Thursday he disappeared, would not answer my texts, or my calls, or my emails.  I was in a panic, I thought he was maybe laying dead in his house.  I was calling the hospitals to see if he’d been admitted.  Seriously.  Finally, I remembered he’d said he might go to New Jersey to see his mom, but had assumed he wouldn’t with his health issues.  I later found out (if it’s true) that his mother died.  But that doesn’t explain disappearing, not answering my panicked messages.  I asked him in January, when we were talking, if B went with him and that’s why he wouldn’t answer me.  He said, no she didn’t go.  But really, I don’t believe him.  There’s no other reason for him to do what he did.

So once I figured out that must be where he was, I got drunk, to numb the anger and pain he had wrought on my heart and soul and mind.  I wrote a blog called “Comfortably Numb” because that’s what I was seeking, to be comfortably numb.  I searched for a pic on Google using those 2 words, comfortably numb.  Not being a huge Pink Floyd fan, I’d never heard the song, or even of the song.  But when I found it, because the search was full of links to it, perfect, I put the link on the blog.  Pink Floyd is S’s favorite band.

Later, a month or so, he told me I “stole” the song from him.  Wha???  Whatever.  He said it had a lot of meaning for him.  Well it did for me too, when he fucking disappeared after such a heartfelt plea for me not to abandon him.  (Of course, he had B…so it was all a play and who the hell knows how much is true?)  I had downloaded it to my iPhone already.

When we broke up, I deleted it from the playlist.  It was too dark for me, about a junkie getting fix, or whatever junkies call it when someone is sticking a needle in their arm to numb them up.  I kept it on my phone, after all I’d paid for it.  But didn’t want to hear it.

Today, it started playing again.  I went to check to see if it had somehow reappeared on my playlist, and no, it had not.  But it was playing.  It did this about 2 months ago too.  And then it stops and I don’t hear it for months.  Whatever.  Just seems weird.  I half expected to hear from him.

Then, last night I saw a pic of a guy from my hometown, who happened to be my ex’s roommate when he was a freshman in college.  I wasn’t friends with him really, when we were in high school, but became friends when I started seeing my ex.  The pic was with another friend of mine.  So I “liked” it.

Today I got a FB message from him, saying hi, very nice greeting.  Asked about my ex, how to get in touch with him, did we ever get married…LOL.  So I gave him my ex’s number, and said I’m sure he’d love to hear from him.  I hope he calls him.  I called my ex to let him know.  He was happy, and grateful, it was ok to talk with him.  Still wants to tell me how bad things are for him, (as if it’s my fault I think) but I’m used to that.  Nothing is his fault.

That seems to be a main character trait of the men I fall in love with.  Nothing is their fault, really.  Even if they pretend to own it, they really don’t.

So, by the end of the day, I am exhausted, emotionally.  What S did last week, denying me to her again, is sticking in my craw today.  I hope it will go away.  It’s who he is.  He could never stand up and say to her, I may have messed up but I wanted to be with her, for xyz reasons.  Because he did….for God’s sake.  She’s not stupid, she knows that.  But he looks like an ass.

Oh well.  Crazy day.  I hope that Comfortably Numb stops playing.  I hope my old friend calls my ex, it will give him a lift.  And I hope the muffler bill doesn’t spike my credit card bill too much, lol.  And I hope he comes clean with her, but I doubt it.  I’m going to try to wash the feeling of betrayal all over again, out of my system.  At least I know her now, I know she’s not stupid, or mean, I know she knows I cared way too much for him.  I know she doesn’t blame me.  She’s gotta battle her own demons with him.  I have looked mine in the eye, and stared them down.  They know better than to fuck with me again, lol.