Loving the Mundane Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

Joy-in-the-Mundane

Living in New England this winter is schizophrenic.  Yesterday it was almost 60, after an incredibly out of season torrential rain all night with winds around 50 mph.  Trees down all over the place.  I had to re-route my drive to work yesterday because of trees down on the back roads.  And today, the high will be about 30, tomorrow morning +10-15.  You barely know how to dress from day to day.

I am glad though, that it’s not frigid cold every single day like last year.  And that the price of fuel oil is about a third of what it was last year.  I got 210 gallons yesterday, first time in 2 months.  For $1.49 per gallon.  Last year it was over $4.  Nice to heat the house for less than $500 for the winter.

I have been sleeping so well lately, except for the night that I had all those nasty hockey/abuse memories.  It’s nice to not have all that emotional upset that became my normal state for so long.  I’ve been able to focus better at work, starting to actually see daylight on getting caught up with my work there.

This weekend will be for cleaning my bathrooms, and my garage.  Once I do that, I think I can show the house if the people who are interested want to see it.  If they don’t I’ll call my neighbor/realtor and talk to her about getting it on the market when I get back from Florida.  Need to set up my appt’s with realtors in Florida too.

Life is calm, it’s good.  Mundane, lol.  It’s so nice.  Had a long conversation with one of my best friends last night, equally split between her life and mine.  It was actually nice not to be the one with major problems, lol.  I remember thinking that when my divorce was final, and I was moved into my house.  Thinking “God it’s so good not to be the one with all the problems for a change!”  LOL.

So, hoping for a mundane day for all of us, lol.  Love and light.

 

 

This is me

Posted on by learning to live like water

Heart on sleeve

Brene Brown says that allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the most courageous thing you can do.  I totally agree with her.

S used to say all the time that I scared him to death.  I think this was why.  I was not afraid, ever, to say how I felt, to put it all out there. To risk saying I love you, with no guarantee that the emotion was returned.  And, as it turned out, it wasn’t.

But you know, what other people think of me is none of my business.  But if I love you, I want to make sure you know it.  Make sure I never have regrets about not saying something.  I never ever want to think, “oh maybe if I’d just said that, I’d just shown him”.

And I don’t. I have no regrets, about any of the men in my life.  I put myself out there, I allowed myself to love fully, intensely, passionately, completely, beyond what I ever thought was possible.  If it wasn’t returned, it was these men’s problem.  I will do it again, I will risk the pain all over again, because the reward of loving that way is so worth the risk.  I’ll find him, the man who knows this.  I know it.

Yeah, if I’m going to leave a lasting impression in this world, let it be one of loving without reason, beyond limit.  Any day.  Anything else is not living the way life is meant to be lived.

Love and light, all.

Florida Calling

Posted on by learning to live like water

Anna Maria

Just as I was heading for bed I got a call last night from another of my high school friends who lives in Florida.  She lives in Daytona.  She’s a riot.  Anyway, she is going to drive across the state, about 3 hours, when I come down to spend time with me and my other friend.  The three of us were all best friends in high school, still are really close.  We’ll be missing a couple of our crowd, but when I get moved down there, we can have an honest reunion with everyone.  The three of us are going to have a blast.  I can’t wait!

I’ll meet with a realtor for part of one day, then hang out with them for the rest of that day and the next.  We’ll go somewhere and listen to the friend who lives there sing, and have a few drinks.  Maybe meet some hot musicians, lol!  I think this trip will do a lot to take me away from the bs that’s been occupying way too much of my headspace, not to mention heartspace, up here.

Like I say, good things are falling into place.

I haven’t heard about how the people liked the pics of my house that were interested.  So I’ll text her today and see what they had to say.

How lucky am I to have close friends I have known for 50 years?  And to have them here that I’ve known for 20, whose kids grew up with mine?  ??!!  It’s awesome.

Feeling very blessed this morning.  Love and light, all.

 

Mercedes Benz

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m considering taking my last blog down. I had such a difficult morning emotionally. I had all these memories from my marriage, a difficult night’s sleep with that picture of my son all bruised in my head. Some overwhelming guilt, and it all blended in with S’s recent actions. I don’t think the gray pouring rain day was helping me either.

But anyway, I pushed through all that stuff. I sat with it, which for me means writing about it. So I did, two blogs on all that nasty, abusive stuff that my ex put us through. And one on S. It’s just that I think I’ve maybe over-dissected the thing with S. The outcome will always be the same, he betrayed me yet again. Even if he didn’t say that to her, he said it to me. He thought it. He is an asshole. I am done. I hope I’m done expending any more energy on his loser ass. If he’s sick, I’m sorry. Actually, I mean, sickER because he’s already sick. I am sorry, but I don’t want to know about it. I don’t want to be encumbered by that knowledge.

Tonight I’m in a good place. I am back to my basically happy self. I know I have a really nice life. So many good things are falling into place, and so many bad things are falling by the wayside.

So…I won’t take it down, because it was cathartic to write it. But it was a wave, it was temporary. The real me is back. Don’t read too much into it, it’s just another level of letting go.

In other news, lol, I was sitting at my desk today, and started singing Mercedes Benz by Janis Joplin. One of the other 60-something women I work with sang with me. I decided at that moment I needed that song on my iphone, so I bought it for 99 cents. I need to go back and look again, because there is so much good music by Janis. But I thought I’d put up Mercedes Benz tonight, because….it’s just the way it is sometimes. Love and light all, and enjoy the song. If you don’t know it, you are young it’s short and pretty funny. And true….

Thoughts From The Middle of the Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s pouring rain here. We’re all glad it’s not snow. If it was it would be measured in feet.

I have been unsettled, uneasy for a couple days now. Idk if the old memories are a cause or a symptom. I can’t help but think about S all the time. Mostly, about how he could so easily say he didn’t want me there when it suited him.  I suppose a lot of my unease comes from that. I’ve never once come to his house when he said he didn’t want me to. Case in point is Super Bowl Sunday. Even though that day he told me multiple times he wished I was there. When I asked “should I come then?” And he said no… I stayed home. Why did he have to make up that story?  It angered me at first, still does. But it hurts too. As if, as if I ever would come to his home and spend the night without an invitation.  I may have originated the idea, it was his birthday. But had he hesitated….at all… I’d have stayed home. He thought it was a good enough idea, that he suggested I should come very early and wake him. Then he called me at 5:30 AM and said “no make it later.”  he was afraid i was on my way because I am often up early, and had done that before.  I laughed. No, I wasn’t even awake.  “How about 4 or 5 “I asked. “No, he replied. “Earlier. 1 or 2”.  So I said ok. And left it at that.

Then he says he didn’t want me there?  Is that any different than the denial of last fall, where he denied to her a relationship at all with me?  Or, for that matter, where he denied her to me?

How does someone do that?  We had such a nice weekend. And now I think of it, and want to cry, and then just want to get his face out of my head.  Wish I’d never taken his call weeks before. Wish I’d never seen him at all, never tried to help him, never tried to talk him down from the edge of the abyss.  I wish I’d never loved him at all. Wish I could say I didn’t now. I’m working on it.

I got nothing from him but more pain and misery. No thanks, no care, no concern, no nothing but an empty void again, that I have to deal with alone.

And I will. I am. I am practiced with him. I’m fucking good at it by now. But the desire to erase him from my cognitive mind is strong and I hope remains that way.  How could I have given him so much of me, in return for betrayal after betrayal?   Never never again. Never will I answer a call.  Or any other way he may try to reach me.

I used to tell my ex he will die old and sick and all alone because he pushed away the people who really love him.  S will do the same. Sad so sad, but it’s what he wants. Or he wouldn’t deny in the next breath those who loved him beyond limit.

Just thoughts from the middle of the day.

Some Tough Memories

Posted on by learning to live like water

bad memoris

I’m afraid my last blog brought up a bunch of memories I’d forgotten, or pushed down, last night.  One in particular, was of my son, not long before I left my marriage.  I walked into his room and he had his shirt off, and was bruised all down his left side.  I gasped and asked him what happened.  He said “oh it was at hockey mom.” and went on to make up some story, which I can’t remember, all I can remember is the mass of purple bruises on his chest.  But I believed him, even though he’d never had any thing like that in all his years of playing.  And it didn’t really make sense, when I thought about it later, a hockey player is well padded from head to toe.  But apparently ignorance was bliss at the time, I was planning my escape, I just accepted it.

A couple years later, when he moved in with me, we were talking about his dad, and how he never talked to him, and maybe he should try forgiving him.  I said something to him about his father never hitting him.  He just looked at me.  Then he said quietly, “Mom, remember when you walked in my room and saw those bruises on my chest?”  Of course I did.  He said, “Dad did that.  He didn’t like the way I practiced, so on the way home he was hitting me with his right hand/arm all the way home while he was driving.”

My ex was a big very strong man.  He had arms the size of some people’s thighs.

I thought I would die.  I wanted to crawl in a hole for not figuring that out.  And it was apparently not the only time his father did something like that.  He swore my son to secrecy, somehow.  Threatened him if I ever found out.  Because he knew if I found out I would have had him arrested.  No doubt.

The night before I started my job, my first job outside our family business in 30 years, he started a huge fight with me, I’m sure because he was losing control of me.  He flipped a salad out of my hands so it flew all over the kitchen.  Then he started walking toward me, drunk.  I had my phone in my hand, and I said, “Go ahead, hit me.  I’d really like to see you in jail tonight.”  And he stopped and turned around and walked away.  Because he knew I meant it.  So he knew without a doubt, if I knew he’d hit our son I’d have called the police too.

But the guilt I felt over what he did to my son, on top of all the berating and belittling, trying to break his spirit, stayed with me for so long, and it easily still comes back.  It’s hardest to forgive yourself.  And last night I had to somehow get through that all over again.

I am so grateful and blessed that my son is such a good kid today.  I am so glad that I finally realized I had to get out of there, even though I had to leave him with his father for a time, I got through it, we got through it.  We have dealt together with what our lives were back then, I made him talk about it.

So many people feel like I should make him somehow talk to his father.  I just can’t, no one can understand what that was like for my son, and the fact is, he has a great life now, sans father.  I don’t know that his father could add anything but more chaos to his life.  I leave it up to him to deal with as he sees fit.  He tells me he’s not angry at his father, nor hates him, he just doesn’t want what  his father brings to his life.

So, it was hard to get to sleep last night, remembering this.  Related to that abuse, I guess, in my head, was S’s ease of betrayal of me recently.  Wondering if I’d ever find an honest true loving man.  It all seemed to fall in the same pot of abuse.

This morning, I still believe he’s out there.  I still believe I’ll find him.  The pull to Florida and a new life is strong.

Feeling blessed, that my son is a strong, healthy, wonderful kid.  And that I have a wonderful life now, with all good things in my future.

Love and light, all.

 

Hockey Lessons

Posted on by learning to live like water

hockey lessons

Geez, I had a good day on WP.  Not a lot of visitors, or likes or comments, but like double the normal amount of views.  I have no idea what caused it, someone was reading old posts.  But it gave me a lift, it’s nice to see interest, although a few likes would have been nice, lol.  But then, maybe it was someone who didn’t want to register. 

Whatever.  Brene Brown says the world needs us to share our creativity, and this is mine, at least it’s my most passionate creative effort.  So I am happy for a day when twice the normal amount of my blogs are read. 

I got my hair done tonight. It’s such a treat to have it done.  Feels like pampering myself.  My hairdresser has two young girls who play hockey, and since my son played for 10 or 12 years, we have a lot in common.  I so remember our lives being wrapped around that sport.  Crazy. Hours in the car, driving all over New England for a one hour youth hockey game and turning around and coming home.  It would have been great family time, if my ex hadn’t been such an ass, and had to “coach” my son by telling him about everything he’d done wrong and “motivating” him by telling him he sucked at the game.  Poor kid.  I tried to stay out of it, because that only made it worse.  But there were times I couldn’t.  To sit in that enclosed car for 2 or 3 hours and listen to him verbally beat up my son was unbearable at times.  So I’d interfere, and redirect my husband’s anger at me, and off my son.  About the time my son got bigger than my ex, and a lot tougher, my ex stopped.  It also helped when I moved out, because he needed my son as an ally. 

Luckily, my son loved the game, and played anyway, and actually became quite good in spite of his father. (It’s no coincidence he hasn’t talked to his father in about 5 years.)  Many years he played up a year to the next age group.  He’s a big strong athletic kid.   He finally had to quit to be free of his dad, but he learned a lot of good lessons.  How to think on his feet (hockey is one fast game), what team work is, commitment to something, to other people.  How you can’t bullshit your way through life.  If you throw bullshit around in that game you’ll get hurt.

And how to skate like the wind.

Well, life lessons for a young man from hockey.  Some for his mom too.  Maybe even for his father, if his father can sit down and own what he did.  But I doubt it.  He seems so stuck on a life that didn’t work out the way he wanted, despite his best attempts to control the behavior of everyone around him, via threats, and yelling, and brow beating, withholding….

He never understood that the only control he ever had over my son and I was the amount he loved us. And that never showed up at all. Both my son and I tried endlessly to earn his love, his approval, to meet or exceed his expectations. Never could. Not when he changed by the minute what he expected or wanted from us.

I don’t understand the mind set. Well…I do. He believes love is something you earn, not something you deserve just because you are. He used to tell me to “use” my love for my son to motivate him. To give it and take it away as a reward or a punishment.

Can you imagine? Geezus.

It was the main reason I left him, almost 9 years ago. I had to give my son a choice, I had to let him know there are other options, other ways to live that are joyful. I wanted him to know that living in a household where two parents can’t say a kind word to each other, and the father has a temper tantrum on a regular basis that included throwing things, and making messes for me to clean up, wasn’t normal. I needed it for me, but if I didn’t do it for him, I would have lost him, I know.

So, wow, I wasn’t expecting this blog to go here, but it did….

Better times started the day I moved out. There were rougher times, but that was the beginning. The end of the fighting, anyway. Except in court, we did that for long enough.

We have such a good life now. Just blessed, really. It all turned out well, I think we learned our lessons. I know that love is the overriding emotion in this household. And that’s the only way I would have it.

Love and light, all…..

 

 

 

On Being Single

Posted on by learning to live like water

single-is-better1

I have to fix the glass door to my fireplace.  It has 4 panes of glass and folds.  My son and I had a fire going a couple winters ago, and I had the door shut, it’s not air tight, just to keep all the heat from going up the chimney.  There are vents on the top and bottom of it, for the warm air to come out into the room.  We were in the kitchen and we heard it explode, ran into the family room and saw one of the 4 panes of glass had exploded into a zillion tiny pieces .

I’ve not been able to see how to remove the door.  I don’t know if I need a whole new door or can replace just that pane of glass.  But I had forgotten that I need to deal with it, and these people will want to see the house soon, so they’ll probably see it broken.  😦  Probably the biggest hassle I have to deal with, really.  My deck needs painting but that’s just work, not a real hassle.  This…will be an issue.

Sometimes, it’s such a pain to be a single female…Single mom, single homeowner.  Sometimes I get so sick of having to deal with all this crap alone.  And I wonder why I’m still alone sometimes.  But then, I remember, who I chose to fall in love with, lol. Duh. Trying to make wine out of raisins.  Nothing much there to work with, but boy I kept trying didn’t  I.  lol.

I’m pretty self-sufficient, and most of the time I like it that way.  I guess my marriage made me not want to have to depend on anyone, I just got let down all the time.  But sometimes, I just would like to have someone else do some of this crap, to be planning this move with someone.  It’s at times a daunting proposition, to move 1500 miles alone.  If I want to do it, though, it’s how it is.  I know it will be a good thing.  And, it is the way it is.

It’s all good, apparently my journey this time is to learn these lessons.  I can’t complain, I have a good life.  Love and light, all.

PS.  I just googled “making wine from raisins”, and there are a whole bunch of articles on how to do it.  So…..I guess you can!  I need a different analogy.

 

 

Note To Self: Don’t Be Stupid

Posted on by learning to live like water

stupid

My son called me on the way home.  I was actually almost home, about 2 miles away.  He said, “Brian and his girlfriend are here and we’re making hot dogs in the kitchen.  I just wanted to warn you.”  Which, translated, just means it’s a little chaotic in the kitchen. 

When I got home I realized he meant BRIAN, who is a chef at Bobby Flay’s restaurant!  Making hot dogs in my kitchen.  Brought his own utensils!  He made his own relish, he split the dogs, grilled the buns, put in the relish, put cheese and bacon on top, and OMG, they were so good.  It was fun to watch him work, lol.  Chopping, cooking, putting together….I told him,”I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow and tell them that one of the chefs from Bobby Flays was making hot dogs in my kitchen!” My son told him he could open his own restaurant.  LOL. 

And they cleaned up the kitchen!  And ran the dishwasher!  (O.o)

They have been friends for a long time.  My son took his girlfriend there once, and Brian comped him so much food. Son said he paid about $100, but he had to bring home the other two entrees, and 4 desserts….crazy good food. 

So that was fun. 

The rest of my day was….Monday.  I had a really unsettled feeling in my solar plexus all morning.  I went to lunch, to the cove, since it was almost 50 and sunny.  I ate my lunch, and read my book club book, The Gifts of Imperfection.  I idly wondered about my solar plexus.  Was it me?

Was I upset over something?  Was there something I wasn’t addressing?  Was I worried over something? 

Or, was I feeling someone else’s angst.  S’s….  Idk.  I kind of thought, he’s so mad at me for my “Don’t Look Back” blog.   But I couldn’t tell. Then I wondered if he was really depressed.  I wondered how things were with her, was she talking to him, if not that’s why he was depressed, blaming me, I wondered about his chest x-ray and if he got bad news…I started wondering too much, he was creeping back into my psyche.  I was allowing it.  Even though I think it was his energy I was feeling, I was allowing it.

I put on meditation music on Pandora.  I closed my eyes, and sat in stillness for awhile.  10, 15 minutes. I remembered how when we didn’t talk for 2 months, and I’d get this, I’d send him reiki.  By now I only had about 10 minutes left, but that’s what I did.  I focused on his heart chakra and his solar plexus, there wasn’t much time left.

I headed back for work, and I felt like crying.  I was so overwhelmingly sad.  I don’t know why.  Just felt so much sadness, it might have been from him, it might have been from deep within me.  I don’t know anymore.  I got back to work, and as the afternoon wore on, I felt better and better because when you give reiki, you also get it, because it passes through you.  Reiki usually works this way, gradually.  Not an immediate change, but you just start feeling happier, more balanced.

When I got back to work, and had a minute, I actually drafted an email to her. I worry as much about her well-being as his, if not more.  I wanted to tell her, how I spent most of the 3 weeks I was seeing him, talking him down, trying to give him hope that she would talk to him, and that, finally, the last morning,  he decided he was not going to throw in the towel, that I’d talked him into believing there might be a chance for the two of them.  I wanted to tell her that I loved him enough to only want his happiness.  That we had comforted each other, and that was all.   

But I didn’t send it.  I realized that nothing I could say would not add to her hurt over that.  That I sounded like I was justifying myself, and I shouldn’t.  I loved the guy.  That’s why I was with him.  The fact that he needed help, that we talked about her, was secondary, really, to me.  I really and truly only wanted to see him be happy for once in his miserable life.

And then, he betrayed me again, by saying he really hadn’t wanted me, and I had to work through it again. And now…..I love him still, but the answer to him, if it were ever to be asked, would be perpetually no.  Because my heart is not safe with him on any level.  Not even as just friends.  When things go wrong for him, he will betray anyone, no matter what they have done for  him, or how much they love him.  So, first time, shame on him.  2nd time, shame on me.  Third time?  That’s just stupid.

I can’t, won’t interfere between them.  I can’t tell her what he said, I can’t tell him what she said.  I don’t want to be in the middle.  Anything I said to her would insert me squarely in the middle.  Even if they stopped me….there my energy would have been.  It did me good to write the letter.  And then to delete it. 

I am fine now.  Not unsettled.  Not worrying over him.  Not worrying about her.  Feeling free of them both tonight.  And I’m sure they are happier that way.  I’m glad the reiki worked, at least for me. I don’t know, won’t ever know, if I was even feeling his energy and if I was, if the reiki helped him.  I don’t know anything about him, right now, if he’s healthy, happy, sad, angry, depressed, or none of the above, or all of them.  And it’s better that way.  As I said in the letter to her I wrote and deleted, anything I know about him only cords me energetically to a man who never loved me.  The less I know, the easier it is to continue letting go, walk away, move on. I think of him with sadness, he is such an unhappy man. I rarely saw him happy, in all the months I was with him. Except in bed, lol. He was pretty happy there.

So….interesting day. Worked through some stuff, in a way that is consistent with who I am. Got a lot done at work, made some calls that I needed to get made. And, I came home to gourmet hot dogs! LOL.

 

Getting to the Other Side

Posted on by learning to live like water

NewLife

I got so much done on my house yesterday.  I think one more weekend and it will at least be ready for these people who are interested to see it.  My son promises to go at his space today, and it’s by far in the worst space in the house.  I just have the bathrooms and the garage to do.   Even if these people don’t end up buying the house, at least it will be ready to put on the market, pretty much, when I get back from Florida.  I will need to paint the deck, but I don’t think I can do that until the days are longer and warmer.  End of April maybe.  I’m going to hire someone to come in and get the yard in good shape, cut back the shrubs, etc.

I had so much fun talking to my friend in Florida last night. Old friends are so wonderful to have.  I haven’t talked to her, except FB messenger, for a long long time, but we know each other so well, we just pick up where we left off.  I just love her to death.  She’s just one of those people who never allows anything to take her joy of living from her.  I can’t wait to see her.  Having her there, where I want to live will be like instant immersion into that life.

Which will move me at light speed  away from this one, lol.  It’s time, really.  Definitely time.  It’s funny, I have had the plan to move to Florida since before I met S.  The relationship with him did not deter it.  It has always been there.  It could have worked out in many different ways, either for us, or for me.  If he had wanted a relationship, and to retire, we could have shared each other’s homes, had a place to go in the winter in Florida, a place here in New England in the summer.  And kept our independence, both owning a home.  We could have just visited each other. It turns out it became my escape route, from the devastation he wrought on my life for a time.  I’m so glad it’s one dream I never gave up.

I think at times, well he wanted a relationship, just not with me.  But then, did he want one with her, really?  If he did, why did he do what he did, knowing it would kill it.  And if it wasn’t dead, then spending January with me, certainly didn’t help breathe life back into it.  It’s not my problem any longer though.  I look so forward to loving a man who knows what he wants, and who doesn’t engage in self-destructive behaviors constantly.  There is another side of life, and I intend to experience it fully. 🙂

Lovely to have slept a good night’s sleep last night.  Today is supposed to be warm, at least warm enough to go to the cove for lunch.  It’s been so long, I am looking forward to it.

Off for my 2nd cup of coffee…..Love and light, all.