Its Been Awhile…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

My date went VERY well!!!  We continued to hit it off.  He seems to be genuine, not afraid to put himself out there and be known.  He likes to talk, and likes that I am not afraid to either.  He said he is shy, I laughed.  Because he’s been anything but shy with me.  He’s very appropriate, and he’s funny.  He made me laugh, and that’s so important to me.  We both kept things light most of the time, but did discuss our situations, our marriages.  I didn’t talk much about my relationship with S, except to say I had one.  He didn’t ask.  Which was good, I think, that I didn’t have to get into it.

Before I left for the date though, I did send S a text.  I just didn’t want his unanswered voice mail hanging over me.  I said I think it’s best that we don’t speak to each other yet, I’m not ready.  I am still very hurt by the cruelty with which he broke my heart.  I also told him that I didn’t know what happened to him, that he’s become someone I don’t really know.  He can leave me a voice mail or an email, because both of those give me the option to wait to listen or read them until I feel strong enough.  I hope he understood.  I am protecting myself.

I’m glad I sent it, it cleared my head to meet this new guy, Jim. I just didn’t want any unfinished business taking up space in my head. I thoroughly enjoyed talking with Jim for 2 hours.  He kissed me good bye, twice, we made plans to see each other this week.  And he called me on his way home, and told me he loved my laugh, and he missed me already.  🙂

So it’s way early, but looking good so far.  🙂

A had asked me to let him know how it went, I told him that Jim is a lot like him.  Open heart, willing to take a risk not knowing the outcome.  He’s also a lot like me.  We share common values.

I guess only time will tell if today was the day, lol.  But I’m feeling good so far, haven’t really been down all day.  I remember when I felt happy almost all the time.  It’s been awhile.  It’s good to be back here.

Maybe Today is the Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

Starting today.

I struggled yesterday wanting to contact him.  I almost sent him some music, Silver Spring by Fleetwood Mac, and later, Laughing by Crosby Stills and Nash. Both times I typed them and deleted them but came close to sending them.  Then late last night I almost sent him a short message, “Are you bored with her yet?” But realized that would open the door to him, and lead him to thinking I wanted him back, and I don’t.  I’m not used to him being gone yet, but there’s no way back to where we were.  So there’s no point in engaging.  Instead I sent a good night message to A, and got back, “Good night sweetie.”  What a difference in men.  One hell bent to destroy me, one heaven sent to make me happy.

Today I have a chance to begin again.  Today I have another chance to put him in the past.  I loved and lost, but I gained a better sense of who I am, and what I want, and deserve.  A better sense that I am worthy of love and belonging, not some dysfunctional relationship.

I have a meet and greet date today with the man I’ve been talking to all week.  We both seem to be excited about it. Maybe today is the day.  Going to Sam’s Club with my son to stock up the house.  Going to Home Depot at some point this week to get the stuff I need to get my deck painted/stained.  Have to upload my pics of the wedding and get them off to family. Oh, and clean the house, lol.

I have to get a lot more of my book for my spiritual book club read, since we meet on Tuesday!  I have been engrossed with Brene Brown’s Rising Strong, which has helped me to stand back up after S.  The book for book club seems good too, It’s Awaken the Spirit Within by Rebecca Rosen.  So far I like it.  She’s a spiritual psychic, and has a great perspective.

So my weekend will be busy and productive.  I will keep my crown on, and remember that I am worthy.  My rejection by a man who is so dysfunctional is no reflection on me, but on him.  I have taken his crown back, and will hold it in safe-keeping for a man who deserves to be my partner.

Onward….

Who Knows?

Posted on by learning to live like water

Autumn in full glow

The leaves in day glow colors

Love in bloom

Vibrant

Full

Expectant with color

Emotion.

Life, full and rich.

Until the bitter cold wind blows through

Ripping the leaves off their tenuous hinge.

Throwing them to the ground,

To wither, and die.

The leaves, still full colored,

Lay on the ground

Blind-sided by that cold bitter wind.

Their luster already fading.

They disintegrate into the earth.

The devastation is complete, thinks the cold wind.

What was, will never be again.

But love never dies.

Transformation begins.

With transformation comes something new

And maybe more beautiful.

Who knows?

Friday Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was a kind of rough day.  I guess I’m not off the roller-coaster completely yet, but the rides are becoming less and less often.  I found myself missing who he was months ago.  It’s painful, it can become so intense.  I am able to get off the ride though, by remembering who he has become. Remembering the incomprehensible choices he made and the cruelty with which he was able to dismiss me.  And because A is always there, reminding me without even trying that I deserve to be loved in return.  Plus, I am excited to meet this new guy this weekend.  We have talked every night this week, we have really hit it off on the phone.

So these things help me crawl out of the slump.  If he hadn’t been so deceitful it would have been easier.  Seeing her and not telling me, pretending for weeks it was still only he and I.  The flirting, the innuendo.  And then his inability to truly let me go after.  But I haven’t heard from him since his voice mail Tuesday, so maybe he has, finally, let me go.  Maybe he realizes I meant it when I said it, I would never trust my heart to him again.  No matter if he keeps her or sends her packing, (which would be his smart choice, but he’s not known for making those), he destroyed what we had with his actions. There isn’t even a friendship there.

So today it’s onward, I am ok today, not missing him.  In full recognition of who he is this morning.  I’m excited about the future for myself.

I was pleased last night that the man I’m going to meet this weekend showed an interest in Reiki and energy work when we talked last night.  He has no knowledge of it, but had a lot of good questions, and seemed genuinely to want to know.  That was refreshing, to know he was open to alternative practices and beliefs, a little out of the mainstream.  I also like that he loves the outdoors, loves the beach and the water.  Like S, this man seems to know and love the Rhode Island beaches.  Maybe I can reclaim them, and make new memories there, instead of always having to think of S when I am there.  I would like that.

When my ex and I divorced, I went to our favorite beach with a couple girlfriends.  We had to walk in 2 miles from the state park, it’s a beach only really accessible by boat.  But I went, and gave myself a few moments alone.  I didn’t want the memories I had there with my son and my ex to keep me from a place I loved.  I reclaimed it, for myself.  Ii will do that with the other places S took me.  He once asked me not to take another man to these places.  It is an unfair request.  I’m not going to lose these beautiful places.  I am going to make new memories.

A was asking me about him, in the interest of wanting to see me with someone capable of loving me.  He said to me, “No more bums, Deb, ok?”  LOL.  Nope.  I’ll be more careful.  I will guard my heart more closely. This man will have to earn my trust, and the right to hear my story.  I already know he can make me laugh and put me at ease.  I just hope there is chemistry when we meet. I feel like there will be, but you never know.

Onward.

The Door is Open

Posted on by learning to live like water

I have lived on the lip of insanity,

Wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door.

It opens.

I’ve been knocking from the inside.

                                                                                                               –  Rumi

The last day I was in VA, my little sister, my niece (her daughter) and I went to a shop where my older sister sells her paintings, and is full of beautiful handcrafted goods, pottery, paintings, jewelry, woven cloth, candles, soaps, bird feeders, stained glass.  Professional grade, really, just gorgeous.

I bought a coffee mug with the Rumi quote above inscribed on it.  It resonated with me.  I think, that I need to look at the break-up as the door finally opening. Instead of closing. My world in fact, expanded, it did not shrink as I thought.  Looking for reasons why things are the way they are, I can look through the door, I can walk through the door, into the light now.  I can leave the torturous questions about why….in the past.  I can love without regret, but I can keep my heart safe.  At least, this time.  I may make a mistake, but the door is open, to loving, and being loved. I can love without longing for things to be different than they are.

I have always said, we don’t know what our soul’s journey is.  I can’t know what S’s soul is here to learn in this lifetime.  Nor mine.  We were meant to know each other, of that I’m sure. And I feel sure that we have known each other in other lifetimes. Now, we are meant to go our separate ways.  The human in me wants reasons.  But my soul, just says go.  Go through the door. You will never understand any of this in human terms.

And so I go.  I haven’t been able to trust myself, I doubt my own judgement.  But my soul knows that this path is the one I have to walk. In the silence I give to myself every day, I have heard. I trust….once again, that love is walking my way.  I thought for so long that S was it.  But it was a story I made up, and I have unmade it.  There is someone there though…

The door is open.

Trust

Posted on by learning to live like water

I just read this definition of trust and distrust by Charles Feltman.

Trust:  “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions”

Distrust;  “what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).”

Below is an exchange of texts between S and I while I was at the wedding. 

S – I am very surprised to find that I miss you (@4:55 while the vows were being said)

S- “You have planted seeds of doubt in my mind and now you forsake me?   It’s all about the revenge for you?” (@ 11:44 pm, when I’d just come back)

I have no idea what the revenge referred to. It was the first text in hours, I had little or no cell phone coverage and anyway, was at a family wedding!  Not checking my phone!!

My response:  “I just got home from a beautiful wedding. I don’t know what is on your mind, but I told you there is no way back from your decision. Just let it go. I will always love you. I will never trust my heart to you. I’m going to sleep I’m exhausted.”

His answer was “Fuck you”. 

This is 2 weeks after being dumped for the bimbo Betty Boop. The silent cheating conniving whore.  

So… There you have it. I trusted him with my heart, big time. And he broke it. Irretrievably. Into pieces. Cruelly. Horribly. Childishly.  Thoughtlessly. And so? I would never ever trust him again.  Ever. 

And his response was not accountability. It was fuck you. 

I can still say I love the man he once was with me. I cannot say I love the man he is now. But I don’t trust either of them.  I am only slightly trusting myself and my own judgement as it is. 

I wish it wasn’t so, but it will always be, from that day forward.  

Love Never Hurts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I started having a text convo with A last night, we were joking about how it rained in Santa Fe all day yesterday.  Santa Fe is out west in the desert, so it was a completely unique experience there to have a day of rain.  I asked him how it was going with his new girl, he said well.  I told him I was dating.  We began to talk about our relationship, and how we love each other but are happy for each other.  Suddenly he was calling me.

He missed me, I missed him.  But we love each other enough to want each other to be happy.  I told him I wished I’d made different choices when he was here, but then, I would have been heart-broken when he left.  He said, me too, but I’ll take a heartbreak for a real love affair…..

I was protecting myself, I guess, is what I thought.  (And now I realize that I was headed for the biggest fall, the most pain and hurt I could imagine.)  I wasn’t done with S, but am so done now, and I have missed A the last few days, when I was tired, and not feeling well,  I told him too, and he tells me.  I would have loved, when I was exhausted my first night back to have curled up next to him and gone to sleep, knowing I was safe in the arms of a man who loved me.  He also has those moments.

But he said, he’s pledged his fidelity to his new girl, and I’m just happy for him, because I know she is a great woman if he did that.  He said he has not told her he loves her….We both said that to each other last night.  He wants me to find someone who adores me, as I do him.

It’s a true, intimate, sweet, deep friendship.  His woman knows about me.  Obviously does not know the intensity of the conversations we have, but they are rare.  We have a special connection, maybe because when I first met him, and before we were seriously going out, his wife, who died 18 months ago, came to me in a dream.  I had never seen her, didn’t know at the time it was her, until I saw her picture about a week later on his FB page, and realized it was her in the dream.  He had told me he didn’t believe in God anymore, he was so devastated by her loss.  So I told him, about the dream, and told him, I think she came to me, because she knew I would tell you, and you would know she’s still around, that you didn’t lose her…

At the time he just hugged me, and in the days following, told me I gave him his spirit back.

The night before he left, when he told me he loved me, we were laying in his bed, just cuddling.  He wanted me to spend the night, and I didn’t, because of S. S and I were in one of our momentary breakups but I still loved him, so I didn’t feel right to spend the night with A.  I wish I had stayed, and had that memory.  But it was a sweet, warm, loving memory anyway.

He has repaid me, 100 times, being there for me when I was crying over S, he reminded me that I have value, and deserve to be loved.  And that he was willing to love me.

We will always be close friends.  His new woman is a lucky one, but I’m sure she knows it.  🙂

What was with S, in the end, was just pain.  And love never hurts.  And what was with A, still is, and it never hurts.

Wednesday Night Ruminations.

Posted on by learning to live like water

I left work about 6 tonight, 9 hour day.  Stopped at the store on the way home, because my house is so barren after being gone 4 days.  I was eating dinner about 7:45 and the guy I talked to that wants to meet called me.  We talked for a half hour, and it was fun!  We laughed, we related.  We like a lot of the same things.  Including beaches, the ocean.  He told me about a place he likes to eat in a fishing village in Rhode Island.  When we hung up, and I said, I’m looking forward to it (meeting him), he said, “Me too!  We have so much in common.”

So, so far it appears hopeful.  You never can tell til you meet someone, if there’s any chemistry.  I hope there is.

I was a bit angry with S, for not leaving me alone, and trying to manipulate my emotions again.  Creating chaos which in my head, which is his specialty.  (Along with my ex)  But I got over it, by thinking about A, and how he treats me from 2000 miles away, he can make me feel loved and cared for.  He is such a blessing to me, I was wishing that he was here last night.  I think about how I gave up his sweet love for S, God how stupid I was.  But I was lucky, A still tells me he loves me.

S….is full of his old BS.  Maybe I have been a challenge to him, IDK.  But I hope he will crawl back into the woodwork with his bitchy, silent, thoughtless, selfish girlfriend and leave me alone. She’s perfect for him.

Being with my family reminded me how it feels to be loved unconditionally, without games and manipulation, and being used, taking without giving.  And A….who reminds me that I am valuable, to him.  He makes me feel good about myself.  The man I’m going to meet seems to be like A, positive, happy with himself, loves his family the way I love mine. So we at least have the basis of the same values.

I think that because I came from such a dysfunctional marriage, I thought I needed to be with someone who had experienced dysfunction in their life, or they wouldn’t understand me.  I thought I wasn’t healthy enough for a healthy person.  As it turned out, I am, healthy enough for a healthy person.  My basis, my values, instilled in me as a child, are still there, and still what I crave.  I still like people who are outside the box, but not dysfunctional. No loners please.  No one so selfish that they would do what was done to me, and then not leave me alone.

I guess that was the lesson, and lessons never come easily.  Pain is necessary to grow, and the lesson here is that I am not dysfunctional.  And that it doesn’t take someone who has lived with dysfunction to understand me.  In fact, someone who has lived with it his whole life is less likely to understand me, or anyone.

I know I maybe sound angry and bitter.  Well, yeah, to be dumped as I was, to realize that he’s been seeing her since she first called him, and not telling me, to be playing me now….that does still make me angry.  But I don’t care that he’s with her, I see that they are two loner peas in a pod.  Perfect for each other.  A lifestyle that is the last thing I would want.  The very last choice I would make.  Games.  I wish I could find out who gets to screw the other one first.  I could take bets, maybe make some money, lol.

But mostly, I just don’t give a damn what goes on down there.  There are still moments when I wonder why I got treated so poorly, and then I remember that he does the best he can, with his level of consciousness at the time.  I don’t expect he will change.  And I don’t care if he does.

My life is moving on, happily.