Lovely Vacation

Posted on by learning to live like water

Adironacks 060

It was lovely to get away for a few days.  Especially to a place so beautiful, so remote.  My friend is involved with so much in her extended community.  Her little village has 90 year round residents. One up the road has 1000, in the other direction there is a little town of about 2,000 or 3,000.  The schools are all consolidated, and include kids as far as Lake Placid, 70 miles away. My friend taught music to almost every kid in 50-70 mile radius that lived there year round.  Of course, these numbers go way up in the summer.  Cool there in the evening and the morning, up to maybe 80°F during the day.

Because of this, she knew someone everywhere we went. In Lake Placid, she was friends with the docent at the hockey rink..  We ran into other folks who recognized her on site.  She took me for a brunch cruise on one of the lakes that has 99 miles of shoreline. She and her husband took me to a play of local and some Broadway actors who live in the area in the summer.  It was all really wonderful.

Then, of course Lake Placid, was just a little story book village.  When the Olympics were held there they did not level part of the town to build the facilities.  They put them where they would fit, and didn’t destroy the magic of that wonderful little village.  For instance, the high school is directly across the street from the hockey rink.  And at the bottom of the front steps is the speed skating oval where Eric Heiden won 5 Olympic gold medals. I kept saying I can’t imagine how motivating it would be to go to high school with those facilities as part your daily life.  (The Lake Placid high school hockey team won their championship in 1980….)  You can stand on the hill and see the ski jumps, which kids were practicing their arrial jumps on, landing in a pool.  The toboggan run is a water slide in the summer ending in Mirror Lake.

Of course, the hockey rink was a huge deal for me. I was texting pictures to my son from there, he was texting back “I’m so jealous!”  The town still has Miracle on Ice memorabilia all over town, the names of each player on the team are on the walls of the rink.  My shock was what a small venue it was, maybe 5000 people could fit in there. But then, that was the year, and the game, that changed the face of the Olympics.  I was standing there, in the rink, and could almost hear the chant “USA USA USA USA”.  I remember watching the game back then at home, on TV, and it was just awesome to be there 35 years later, as a hockey mom whose kid played for so many years.

We also saw the 1932 Olympic rink.  It had so few seats, it was quite comparable to rinks my son played at.

We did some souvenir shopping, had lunch.  The surroundings are beautiful, that part of the Adirondacks, near Lake Placid are called the High Peaks, which include Whiteface Mountain.  That ski resort was the site of the Olympic skiing that year, and is visible from anywhere in town.

Then we drove back to their beautiful little village, and had dinner.  We reminisced a lot, got caught up.  Her husband is a great guy, I had only met him briefly once before.  But he has a great sense of humor, a little off beat, he can make me laugh, and anyone who can make me laugh is a special.  He ad my friend have a great marriage, calm, happy, live and let live, while caring deeply for each other.

It was a good place to get rested up, (I slept 7 or 8 hours every night) and try to figure my own stuff out.

I texted and talked to S while I was there.  I am still making no predictions for us.  He may come here tonight…but then again, I told him if he still has the feeling that he might want to date other women he will be disappointed if he comes.  So…I don’t know.  I’d love to see  him, but I’m not gonna set myself up for another heart break.  I hope he gets it….  I friggin love that man.

Every time I go away, I end up realizing how much I care for him.  Every single time.  So I need to somehow figure out how to protect my heart, and follow it.  Talk about a minefield. At least I cut A loose, because he was a distraction from what i need to deal with.  I have not heard from him since Friday.  We had no unkind words, but I’m not going to initiate communication with him, because it’s really better for me and for him, to end it if I have no intention.  He jumped way ahead, making assumptions that he didn’t know to be true, and then making plans based on them.  He and S are on the opposite ends of that spectrum, S hates making plans even a few days in advance.  I wish there was a happy medium.

Back to my life now.  I’m off the rest of the week.  My son and I are going to do something Thursday.  My best friends daughter’s graduation party is Saturday.  I asked S if he wants to take Friday off from work and do something with me, which he never answered.  (I have asked  him twice before if he could take some time off when I’m off and he said he would, but then we’ve split up and reconnected probably 3 times since then, so I have no expectations.)

So.. life goes on. No resolutions, but the conversation has turned caring and kind and flirty, instead of angry, and hurtful.  Just trying to stay with it.

Heading Home

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
I have had a lovely time up in the adirondak mtns with my friend and her husband. It is beautiful here, remote, a close knit community.  

We went to Lake Placid for the day. As the mother of a kid who played hockey for 10 years or so it was a thrill to stand inside the rink where the Miracle in Ice happened 35 years ago, when the U.S. college boys won the gold medal against all odds. 

I’ve communicated quite a bit with S, not at all with A. I don’t know that S and I have any resolution, even though we both have a desire. 

I’m heading home today, and will write more then. I couldn’t bring my computer with me and it’s way too hard to write from my phone. It’s supposed to rain, I hope most of it holds off until I get home. Looking forward to getting home though. 

Bittersweet

Posted on by learning to live like water

Bittersweet.  .To love someone so much and be on such opposite sides of the fence. Places on the fence are broken, and there we can come together and touch each other’s lives.  Other places it’s set in concrete, and we cannot cross the barrier between us.

I texted with  him yesterday.  I tried to give clarity, but was unsuccessful, and just made him mad.  Then, later, we texted, and made each other laugh, until a moment became too poignant, and we just had to stop.

Night and day, truly what we are right now.  But it’s what it has to be, for personal growth.

I miss him, but I’m ok.

Packing my bags, Gonna make good use of the time.

On Vacation, Finally!

Posted on by learning to live like water

I am officially on vacation for a week.  No work.  Sigh.  Tomorrow I drive up to the Adirondack Mtns of upstate NY.  It should be a beautiful 4 hour drive.  Through the Berkshires Mts of Massachussetts, and then the Adirondacks.   It will be the longest trip I’ve ever taken alone.  Me and my music and my thoughts.  It’s going to be a beautiful day.

Today, I pretty much cut A loose.  We will remain friends, but it always creeps toward intimacy and I just can’t go there with him.  #1, I don’t feel it for him.  Sometimes, I wish he was around, because he is good to me, it’s all about me, but then, it’s just too much for me with him.  I don’t know if that’s because I am such a one-man woman, I just don’t feel right being intimate, even just talking, with someone when I want to be with someone else.  And I don’t want to maintain an intimate relationship with anyone that I might see once or twice a year.  Long distance is not what I want.

And that someone else, well, there’s not much to say about him. I’m not saying I want to be with him, because that means something different to each of us.  Right now…we are on opposite sides of the moon, (he’ll say he’s on the dark side of the moon I have no doubt).  But whatever, even though I miss him so much, I am not willing to go over to what he wants, at least what I think he wants.  He tells me I am wrong about him, but not how I am wrong.  I only have his words and actions to go by.  Could be that he doesn’t know what he wants, or that it changes frequently, neither of which is bad, it just implies that he needs time to himself to figure it out.  Maybe it means that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.  We used to laugh over that phrase, who doesn’t want to eat their cake?  But I think it’s meant to convey that you can’t have it both ways, i.e. he can’t have me only when he wants me, so until he wants more of me, he can’t have me.  Or it could be that I’m just wrong, but I don’t feel like I am.  Idk, S….talk to me.  Tell me.  I’m listening.

On top of that, it infuriates him that I write about him here.  It’s a problem, because he is so much a part of my thoughts, I can’t write a cohesive complete thought without mentioning him.  I will try though, I will try out of respect for his wishes.   It’s just another way in which we are opposites.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, I will put myself out there.  I believe vulnerability is just necessary, as Brene Brown says.  Suffice to say, S does not wear his heart on  his sleeve.

I had my pre-op exam this morning.  They told me it would take a half hr.  It took almost 2 full hours.  EKG, blood work.  On top of it, they had a new software system that no one could use well.  I tried to get a cup of Starbucks after, but you could tell I was in a different world than the one where I live when there was a 10 car line there at 11 in the morning.  I didn’t get any coffee, suffice to say.  I had work waiting….UGH.

I am pretty sure I left work in good shape, no orders waiting to ship, nothing that anyone had to finish for me.  I was stressed out to the max til about 5 when I realized I would finish it all, and did, by 5:45. So I can vacation in peace, knowing I won’t walk into a huge mess when I get back.  My department, which is just me, did the best in the whole company last month.  And for the year I have already doubled the total sales for last year.  I should be on commission, lol.  But all I get is OT, and too much of it as it is.  Getting too old for this.

I keep thinking, I could collect soc sec now, and work 20 hrs a week at a supermarket or something to make up the difference.  It is doable.  Then I could spend all winter getting the house ready to sell, not stress over the frigging snow and cold, or, more importantly, my job.  I may give that some serious though in the coming months.

Well I need to go pack.  I will be in the warm, familial embrace of my friend and her family for a few days, a welcome respite.  Her heart is on her sleeve too.  I probably won’t be on here nearly as much for a few days, though I’m taking my computer, because sometimes I have to write like a compulsion.  The picture at the top is where I’ll be til late Tuesday.

Looking for Honesty

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I missed S, to the point that it hurt.  I miss the laughter, the feeling of being tuned in to him.  I don’t even know for sure that I was, but it felt like it.  Anyway, I sent him a text telling him that I missed  him.  Also that I don’t think that changes anything, but that I just wanted him to know I missed  him.  I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings, my heart is always on my sleeve, and I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted make sure he knew where I was at, that I didn’t just, and can’t just, boot him out of my life callously.  I still, and I’m sure always will, love the man that he is.

It doesn’t change anything.  Missing him does not mean I want to go to bed with him and have him leave in the morning, or a few hours later, it doesn’t mean that I give up my desire for a whole relationship, it just means that I miss S, the man that he is, having  him in my life regularly.

This morning this brought me to thoughts about A.  I realize I am just trying to put a bandaid over the missing of S, the wound that can still bleed from time to time.  I am not ready to be intimately involved with anyone, and I am going to tell A this. That while I love him and appreciate him as a close supportive friend, I am not comfortable with the level of intimacy that he wants, that I see coming in the last few days, and that I have gone along with, because I was lonely.  I can’t allow myself to be that lonely, I can’t allow myself to use A to fill someone else’s space in my head or my heart.

Tomorrow I go to upstate NY for a few days.  I intend to do some soul searching there,, and find the right words for A.  Then I intend to get back to the healing process, of letting S go.  I hope so much that S feels free, that he is feeling like he is free to go and find what he wants.  Who knows, he may find someone else, he may find that he wants me.  But I don’t want him to be with me by default, any more than I want to be with A just because he’s available to me and loves me.

I still feel a connection with S.  I also know that he has a lot of his own work to do.  He survived cancer, he survived a break up that was painful for him.  He is ready, chronologically to retire, but has no plans because he doesn’t know what he wants to do.  I have to respect that, I have to let him go figure it out.  I am wary of being “just friends” with him, because it always immediately turns sexual, and that means different things to each of us.  For me it always will come with attachment, and that’s exactly what he doesn’t want.  And I don’t want it without attachment.

I don’t feel as pained this morning.  I am able to sit with it, and let whatever comes come, and go.  I need to deal with A soon though, I feel dishonest with him.  And I hate dishonesty.

Here’s to a better day today.  I’ve had no response from S to my text.  I unblocked him, I don’t know i I should have, but I did. Going with my gut on that, not overthinking it.  Maybe I’m ready to talk now, maybe I should talk to him before I go away.  IdK.  I will leave it be for now.

I feel like some resolution to some of my stuff is bubbling up, and that’s a good thing. Mostly, right now, I am searching for honesty, from myself the most, regarding both of these men.

UPDATE:  I told a this morning. I’m never been able to put off an unpleasant task I need to get them over with.  It turns out he’s fine with it.  He thought he was maybe going to come east and would come see me for a couple of days but his plans have changed anyway. And seriously all he’s looking for is the same thing S is, friends with intimate benefits, he’s just does a better job of presenting it.  He loves me but he’s not in love with me.  Which was of some great relief to me. I told him I’d stay in touch. That’s a load off my mind. Now if I can just sort out my feelings for S,  who I still love but need to let go of.  One down one to go. 

The Day Didn’t Get Easier. Or Harder. It Just Is.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just wrote a long blog about A and S, which I decided not to publish.  It was TMI.  Suffice to say, The day did not get easier. I miss S, I’m not in love with A, though I love him.  I found it hard to deal with the missing S today. But I knew I had to deal with it.  The facts are what they are.  A is way too much into me, I need to back off of that.

I wish there was someone who was a balance of the two.  A is too clingy, S is too detached. I am fucking lonely.  And tired. And looking forward to taking a week off and going to NY this weekend.  I need a change of scene.  I need to put the past behind me, and do some thinking on my own, see if I can get clarity.

I could probably talk to S without losing it now, but why?  So I can hear how he wants to be free again?  No thanks.  Once or twice was enough for me.  He could reach me on email, if he had something to say.  Or even leave me a voice mail saying something other than we should talk.  Talk about what?  How different we are, how we are night and day, how nothing will ever grow between us?  I’ve got that message, no need to repeat it.

I’m rambling.  I’m tired.  My arm kept me up for a couple hours in the middle of the night.  then I worked for 9 or 10 hours, trying to get everything done before I go on vacation.  One more day.  I have the pre-op exam tomorrow morning or my carpal tunnel surgery.  Cannot wait to have the surgery, and be able to sleep through the night.

Going to bed. I need to just let go. Peace out everyone.

Its a Hard Day

Posted on by learning to live like water

  
Today has been a hard day, so far. I’m incredibly busy at work trying to prepare to be gone a week. My boss keeps coming up with additional tasks to be finished before I go. Stressed. Seriously. 

A is keeping a running conversation via text. As usual he begins to jump too far into the future.  Asking me about coming to see him next summer. It irritates me yet I don’t want to offend him. I just pull back. I like him, love many things about him. Mostly how he makes me feel and it’s nice that he thinks he’ll want to see me next summer. But I am not in that place. I enjoy his company, his friendship, his desire for intimacy. But I have other things that I need to deal with as well, and I don’t want to bring them up to him, I keep hoping he’ll figure out that I was “with” S for more than a year and it is a process to let go, not finished yet.  And A will always be a long ways away, even if we visit. It will still and always be a long distance friendship. Unable to develop into more. 

And it’s hard because S has been on my mind a lot today. Remembering the things about him I loved, trying to juxtapose them against the reality that we are day and night, never to be more than passing by each other. Today I find myself wishing it wasn’t so, but it is. And I know it. So I just sit with it, and make no move to undo what has been done. 

Hard day. I hope by tonight it’s gotten easier. 

Voice Mails

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I finally looked to see if S had left me a voice mail.  I didn’t so much as mean to, but I got a couple of voice mails I needed to listen to and saw there were 13 blocked voice mails, which were from him.  It makes me sad, but resigned to how it is.

I have no anger, no animosity.  He wants to talk.

As he said, in that lovely poem he wrote (which he is or was angry with me for publishing, tho when he gave it to me he told me I could put it up here or I wouldn’t have) “fate has determined that nothing will grow between us.”  I believe this is true, in this moment, the present moment.  We have talked about our issues dozens of times, on my deck, in  his living room, at the park where we met.  There is no resolution, now.  I want something he doesn’t.  I want a relationship where I am part of my lovers life, in all ways.  I don’t want a superficial sexual relationship with a friend.  He wants to be free, to see the world through his own eyes, without anyone else’s input.

I get that, I do.  But we have to go our separate ways for now.  If he gets tired of that journey, maybe then we’ll have something to talk about..  Right now, there is nothing more to say, and seeing and talking to him will not change it.  Our paths came together for awhile, we found comfort with each other, but that fragile tie was stretched to the breaking point this summer.  By me wanting more, by him wanting less.  It snapped, it broke.  It’s over, as it was.  It’s over for now, unless one of us does some major changing regarding what we want in life, and that won’t be me.  I know what I want, have known for a long time, years. One of my constant prayers is that I will know the love of a good man before I die.   I’m not going to change, I’m going to be who I am, and continue on the journey to find and create the life I want.  I know there is someone out there who will join me in that.

I am not going to unblock him.  I don’t want to have even one more conversation about this, about being friends, about how he wants to be free, about how he misses me, etc.  I am not going to commit to any of that right now.  Being friends with him in the past has always left me open to sexual innuendo, flirting, and it sucks me right back in.  So no, for now, no.  Maybe time and distance will change that.  Maybe not.

We can only live in this moment, and for now..the way things are at this moment, the door has to remain closed.

I don’t know what the future holds for anyone.  I can say, yes, I’m going to sell my house and move to Florida.  That’s all I really know right now.  I hope S will take this time to be free, to find himself, to figure out how he wants to live his life out and try to be happy.  I hope he does not get angry with me, but I am standing my ground for my own protection.  Maybe a time will come when I don’t feel I need to, but for now I just want to get away from the memories, the dreams I had for us.  They were only my dreams, not shared by him, not even shared with him because I knew they would push him even farther away.  Now….I think we need to have that space and distance and time, before we can really be friends, not looking for anything but friendship.

Easy Peasy

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today was a good day.  It was beautiful.  I got to go to the cove for lunch.  I stayed pretty grounded all day.  I am getting caught up at work.  I texted with A for quite awhile.  He’s been without cell service for a few days, but has it where he is today.  That was nice.

At one point I asked him where he was.  Then I apologized, kind of, for asking, saying, I just wondered.  Feeling like I was asking too personal a question.  Trained by S, “what are you, writing a book?”  Always with the secrets, never wanting to share much more than what he had to.  (This automatic reaction that I had asked to personal a question only comes from S.  I never asked my ex, because either I already knew, or if I didn’t know, I knew he’d lie to me.  Just to lie.)

A answered me and sent a pic.  And then said, “It’s really nice that you ask.  It means a lot to me that you are following my adventures.”

A girl could get attached to someone like that.

Seems it should be just that easy.  Ask a question, get an answer.  No games, no pulling back, no pushing forward.  Give and take.

That’s what I’m searching for.  Easy.  Passionate. Loving.

There is a kid at work, he’s 28 maybe.  Just a bit older than my son.  He’s an electronics engineer.  Before he came to work there, right out of college, he’d never been on a plane.  Now he’s been to China, Korea…  He’s the greatest kid.  Whenever I need him to do something, he always says, “Oh that’s EASY.  Easy Peasy.”

That’s what I want.  Easy Peasy.

Trying to Honor My True Self, and Get Back to the Me I Know

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today I was reminded of an old Buddhist saying, “Meditate every day for 10 minutes, unless you think you don’t need to, then do it for an hour.”

I meditate every morning for 15 minutes.  This morning I found myself anxious for it to be over, towards the end.  Then  i remembered that saying and realized that I was in my ego mind, thinking I had other important thins to do.  I went back to the meditation, and finished it peacefully.

This morning I chose “Honoring Your True Self” from the choices on my Deepak Chopra meditation app on my phone.  I chose that because I have been beating myself up a lot lately, and needed the reminder that I need to forgive myself for the situation I placed myself in, that I did it from a level of consciousness that I was at at the time, I did it out of love.  You know that old “When we know better we do better.”

I’m doing better.  Not so angry with him or myself this morning, nor hurt, I see other things in my life gaining importance and that dysfunction moving into the past.  It’s not quite there yet.  I loved that man so much, I have been trying to come to a place where the love mutates into the unconditional love I have for everyone.  Not the painful, I miss you I need you thing. I don’t feel that most of the time, because when I do, I am able now to look at it and see what was real, and know that it was never going to give me what I crave.  I hoped it would, but I know now it would not, and that there is someone out there who wants the same thing I want.  I will find him.  I don’t want to grow old without a loving companion, and because I know the universe hears my request, I will find him.

I suppose a lot of my serenity this morning comes from my meditation.  I hope it lasts through the day.  I feel like I’ve been running on empty for days, and I’m finally slowing down enough to renew my spirit and my soul.  Probably has something to do with taking 2 Ambien last night too, lol.  I overused my arm with carpal tunnel yesterday and it was killing me all night, so I took 2 Ambien because 1 Ambien was not letting me sleep through the pain.  I am groggy, but I slept at least.  I’ll be more careful with it today.

Beautiful day today.  Going to try to stay in the moment, Gonna try hard to honor myself.  Peace out.