From Anger to Hurt

Posted on by learning to live like water

This poster is about how it was.  He knew, he didn’t feel it, and he didn’t care.  It had no impact on him at all. He still wanted what he wanted, the effect on me of that was inconsequential in his mind.

Anger has subdued this morning, and turned to a visceral pain. I didn’t sleep well, I was too angry yesterday, and had a hard time calming my psyche for sleep, even though I was also exhausted, after leaving the house at 8, and getting home at 8.  Going to be a long day today.

I don’t understand how a seemingly fairly enlightened man can treat someone the way he treated me. How he could push his agenda, knowing it caused me pain, knowing I didn’t want what he wanted.  I tried and tried to end it in a way we could stay friends, telling him we just wanted different things.  And in the end, he still was trying to come here for the night, even though in the next breath he said he just wanted to be free.  How does he reconcile those two actions?  I have no idea.

He says he has loved women and been hurt by them all.  I wonder….did he treat them all as objects to use for his own gratification?  I have no idea.  He didn’t love me, i knew that.  But I thought he cared about me.  I can’t imagine asking someone to give themselves to you when you know they adore you, and then saying, well it’s nice but I want to be free. That’s caring??  Not in my book.

I feel stupid, then I say, at least I know I can love. At least I know I can feel.  At least I know I am capable of empathy.  I gave myself to him in love.

All winter we would spend the day together, go to breakfast, he would take me places, we would laugh, we’d come back, take a nap, we’d have fun. Then suddenly he stopped, he no longer wanted to do anything.  At first he said he was busy getting his yard in shape in the spring.  But he just stopped cold, anything except “a nice afternoon” or a “Nice night” together. My dreams of summer, that he knew I had, just slipped away.  He was oblivious.  I tried to end it, he pulled me back. Why?

Did it fill his ego to have an adoring woman in the background?  I suppose. He was unconscionable to ask of me what he asked. He knew I was incapable of enjoying that. But I allowed it, a few times, because I missed him.  Finally in the end, I knew the pain I would feel if I allowed it would offset any pleasure it gave me, times10.

It’s over.  I’m sitting with my sadness, and hurt.  By tonight I would expect I will be on a much more even keel, or at least by tomorrow. I am glad I stood my ground, I am happy that I left myself with a shred of dignity.

Onward, as Liz Gilbert says all the time.  Putting one foot in front of the other, making tentative, but real,forward movement.

Tonight I’m Angry

Posted on by learning to live like water

Warning:  This is a little raw.  I’m apologizing up front, but I need to get it out of my head and into the universe, where it will be righted and atoned by the greater consciousness of which we are all part.

Lord I was so pissed off today.  So angry.  Angry at S, more at myself.  At S, because he is who he is.  He’s selfish, self centered, self absorbed, narcissistic  So yeah, I’m mad at him because it was always all about him  I always knew that.  But suddenly, it pisses me off beyond reason.

Mostly, I am furious with myself beyond measure.  He should have been gone with the prison whore.  Why why why???? did I allow him back in my life?  Back then, I went through all the grief, all the tears, that come from loving and trusting someone who would go out and fuck a stranger.  And why did he even tell me, if he was never gonna do it again?  To hurt me, that’s why.  Because no good was going to come out of it, but he didn’t need to tell me, unless he was gonna do it again and again.

But no I let him back in.  I gave A the boot, when A had shown up in my life simultaneously with the prison whore, and A made me feel beautiful, and valuable, and precious, and loved…  WTF was I thinking???  A STILL makes me feel that way, every day when we talk, or text.  The fact that I sent him away, and acted like an ass, and hurt him, did not change how he felt about me.  If he wasn’t on the road constantly, by his choice, “seeing America”, satisfying his wanderlust, who knows what could develop.  As it is, we are close friends.  I’m beginning to hope his travels bring him back this way sometime.

S once asked me why I would be with him, just because “he loves you.”  As if it was nothing to be loved!!!  Geezus.  Oh no, S.  Much better to have someone fuck you and feel nothing for you, not want to spend a minute with you unless you’re in bed.  Who’s there for their own satisfaction, and could care less about yours.  Much nicer to be in love with someone who doesn’t want you in their life, doesn’t want their kids to know about you, or their friends.  Who wants you to be their fucking secret.  Literally.

And this is why I’m furious with myself.  WHY did I think ANY of this was ok?  WHY did I think so little of myself?

I slid right into the mold my ex “groomed” me for all those years.  The “be used and abused” mold.  He abused me beyond compare.  S used me beyond compare.  Twins from different mothers.

Don’t worry.  I will stop beating myself up about this.  But not until the lesson is ingrained into my psyche enough that I will never ever allow a man to use me again.

Saturday night when I woke with the stomach ache, and I threw up one time and it was over, I felt fine the rest of the night, I couldn’t figure out what caused it.  I ate the exact same things my son did, all day, except we ordered different food at the restaurant, but it was well cooked, hot, the plates were so hot you couldn’t touch them.  I had a drink that my son didn’t have at home but just one.  Today, a friend at work said “maybe it has to do with S”…

And I thought about it…the emotional component of vomiting according to Louise Hay in You Can Heal Your Life, is “violent rejection of ideas.”  Yep, that about covers it.  I violently reject the idea of having sex with someone I don’t care about or who doesn’t care about me.  I violently object to a man coming to my house to fuck me like a common whore. All the anger I was trying not to release because I was afraid I’d never stop screaming, came violently out of me in the middle of the night, 24 hours after.

I guess the anger will come and go.  Like it did with the prison whore.  But I won’t be caught in that web again.  If I never talk to him, never see him, never hear his voice, it will be too soon.

Mystic Pizza

Posted on by learning to live like water

Last night I was surfing the channels on TV, tired, unstressed, kind of wanted maybe a chick flick or something.  I stumbled onto Mystic Pizza.  It’s kind of a classic, Julia Roberts got her start.  Mystic is about an hour from where I live, I’ve been there many times and I like watching movies where I recognize the scenery.  So that’s what I watched.

In this case, as the movie went on, I thought, maybe not such a good idea.  Mystic is also a place I went with S, on our excursions.  It is on the CT shoreline, where I had wanted to spend the day yesterday but couldn’t.  But the thing that really got me was the 3 girls and their relationships, all the kissing.  S did not like kiissing, and rarely did more than a quick kiss goodbye. It was seriously withheld after our first date, and I think the idea, the implied promise, that it may happen again kept me hanging on.  Thus, my poem last night, Just a Kiss.

Of course, until I realized it just kept getting farther away, and finally, that it was never going to happen again.  He got what he wanted from me, there was no need to give me  more.  He wasn’t feeling it, he didn’t want to feel it, and I no longer craved it from him.  I just wanted to be free to find it.

By the end of the movie, I was just glad that I no longer felt the desire to have it from him, nor did I have the desire to interact at all with him.  I’m so glad I cut off communication by blocking him on my phone, it has helped me regain my equilibrium.  He can call and leave a voice mail, but I am not even checking to see if he did.  I don’t want to know.  I hope he has not, I hope he has respected my request to not try to communicate with me.

It’s funny, too, how my carpal tunnel the last few nights has not been nearly as painful.  My cousin told me that when the right arm has pain it’s from too much giving.  I’ve stopped giving to him, and my arm is much better at night.  It still hurts, I will still get the surgery, but it’s so nice not to wake up with shooting pains in it, like someone is sticking a hot poker down my arm, and my hands and fingers aching and throbbing.  Something to be said for the emotional component of all physical issues, isn’t there?

I guess that pain, like all the other from this difficult relationship, is receding.

Just a Kiss

Posted on by learning to live like water

He kissed her that first day,

Sweet and tender.

He held her, and she him.

It held so much promise.

She looked for it, anxiously

every moment they were together.

But it became elusive.

She searched,

She waited.

Small kisses goodbye

but not like that first day.

With passion and longing and desire.

Then one day he thought he would lose her

and he kissed her again

with longing and desire.

There it was.  Out of the shadows.

Finally.

But then, inexplicably, it ran back to lurk in the shadows 

She knew it was there,

She reached for it

She could never find it.

In fact, after awhile she couldn’t even find a hint of it.

Not a clue.

It was just a memory,

Slowly receding from view.

Soon it was gone,

and he was gone.

And so, in the end,

She was gone too.

Looking for that elusive kiss

From someone not afraid to be seen.

Or to feel

Or to take the chance.

It was just a kiss.

It will be just a kiss.

Just a kiss.

A Small Glimpse

Posted on by learning to live like water

The heat from the sun transported me today,

From my deck outside to somewhere past

the tiniest of stars that might be visible in the evening,

as I listened to the quiet soothing music

of waves curling and exploding and receding along the shore

in some eternal, inexplicable rhythm,

in some remote, exotic place.

The sky became purple,

with glittering golden clouds,

flashing brilliant colors

not known to my small human psyche.

As I fell asleep, content,

knowing that somewhere in the universe,

This exists.

Now, the summer wind cools my flesh,

And my heart

To a peaceful reality of this time and place.

I smile at the universe who has carefully

given me everything I need,

and the smallest of glimpses into eternity.

Thoughts on a Summer Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

If it doesn't open

I had plans to go to the ocean today.  I was going to go very early, and watch the water world awaken.  I even had my bag packed with a towel, sunscreen and a book.  I was going by myself, to renew my spirit after last week.

But my body had different ideas.  I woke in the night with a terrible stomach ache, and it took me some time to get back to sleep.  I ended up sleeping past the time I had wanted to be sitting at the water’s edge, on this blue blue morning.  Now if I go, I will sit in traffic, there will be a line to get in, and the beach will be crowded. So I stayed home.  Another day, another time.

I had planned to be there at about 7:30, and come home around noon.  Because I have a lot to do at home since I will be gone next weekend, to visit an old and treasured friend in the Adirondack’s of NY.  She and I have been friends since we were 12.  We grew up in the midwest, it is a blessing to have an old close friend 4 hours away.

I feel peaceful this morning.  Full of gratitude on this lovely perfect summer morning.  Sitting on my deck, overlooking the trees that border my yard, smelling the lavender that grows at the bottom of the few steps to my deck.  There is peace here.

There is no more angst or anger over S.  The whole relationship is receding, quickly.  It hasn’t been there, in reality, in months, so I’m finding it slides away easily, after the first 12 hours.  It was a dream I had, and now I have a new one.  It’s as simple as that.  I’ve had lots of dreams in my life, some worked out, some didn’t.  The ones that did renewed my faith, the ones that didn’t taught me a lesson, so that when I choose a new dream, I am smarter, wiser. I saw the poster at the top of this blog on FB today, and thought, yes, I should have stopped trying to open that door a long time ago.  As should he.have.

I have to say he was honest, though.  He wrote the poem below a few weeks ago.  Even though he was still trying to have sex with me.  His world is different from mine.  That kind of thing happens between friends, or even strangers,  in his world, when there is nothing else going on.  For me, it is a celebration of connection, I could never lower it to a status of a physical need, fulfilled by anyone who was willing.  His honest assessment of where we were weeks ago was that we were like night and day, and would never be together.  I find that so sad, and empty.  Not the way I want to live my life.  But apparently, he is content this way.  By himself, invulnerable to pain, but also to joy.  To me not to feel would be the saddest thing.  If I hurt, thank God I am capable of hurting, of loving, of desiring.  Any other way of living is like being dead already.  Death will come soon enough.

Burning Man

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today my son was off work, so he and I made a run to Sam’s Club to restock the house.  He has gotten into going to music festivals recently.  He went to one in NJ, at Giant’s Stadium.  He’s going to another in NY over Labor Day and next summer some HUGE festival in Las Vegas.  We have been talking about festivals, Woodstock forward.  I didn’t go to Woodstock, I lived in the midwest then.  I told my son I’d really like to go to Burning Man.

His eyes got huge. “Really, Mom???”  It’s like a hot bed of drugs.”   “Well, sure,” I said.  “Name a festival that doesn’t have HUGE amounts of drugs.  Doesn’t mean you have to do them.”  I told him that I know a lot of people my age that want to go someday. So after he calmed down, he told me about a documentary on Netflix called Spark, which is about Burning Man.

It’s not about the music, it’s really about the art, the huge performance art.  It seemed to be about people being free, and conscious of the environment, living in the moment.  It seems like it gets crazy, but it’s so non judgmental.  And crazy in a fun way, though with the fire I guess it could easily get out of control. But mostly just crazy fun!

I was chatting on text with A who was at a teeny little country music festival up in Michigan, and he told me Burning Man is on his bucket list.  He said he plans to take his trailer with him and park it there. We said maybe we’d meet up there.  Who knows what the future can hold.  I had fun chatting with him anyway.  Amazing to talk to someone via text for a couple hrs who never tries to make me feel bad about anything.  There is never an unkind word. I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream, into one that is absolutely pleasant.

I am really blessed.  I have so much to be grateful for, and so much going on in my life.  Gonna go back to my default mode and be grateful.  My trip to NY, my carpal tunnel surgery to end the stupid pain I have.  New carpeting in my TV room, a move to a warm place and no more winter, a far off dream of Italy and Burning Man, an awesome kid, a great bunch of friends, a loving family.  And a male friend, who, at the very least, makes me feel like what I say has value.

Burning Man would be so much fun though……

The Strength of Being Vulnerable, and the Sadness of Those Who Are Not

Posted on by learning to live like water

A friend (Megan, https://lovewillleadyouhome.wordpress.com/) wrote a blog today on vulnerability, asking was it a strength or a weakness.  It made me think of Brene Brown’s incredible TED talk on vulnerability. At the moment, it has 20,784,830 views.  Mine are maybe a dozen of those.  I sent the link to my friend, and watched it again myself.  Brene Brown is brilliant, funny and RIGHT on the mark.

If you haven’t seen this, please watch it.  It’s 20 minutes that can change your life, literally.  I dare anyone to watch it and not shed a tear.

I watched this, and I realized I tried to convince my ex, and S, that they were worthy.  Neither of them bought it.  Both are disconnected.  I tried, really hard, to get my ex to understand this, because he wanted a relationship with our son so badly.  I told him that our son needed to see his father go out on a limb for him, a limb he didn’t know wouldn’t break.  No guarantees.  But if he didn’t try, at least try, he gave up all hope. The fear of being vulnerable was not something he could overcome.  Maybe someday.

And S?  He wants to be free?  Of what?  Of any relationship that might cause him to feel vulnerable.  I believe this.

Neither of these men could take a risk, not knowing the outcome.  Both of them numbed their feelings, using assorted different methods.

Me?  I will offer my whole self.  My feeling is if you don’t put yourself out there, even not knowing the outcome, if you won’t take the risk, then you lose any chance for joy, for love, for creativity, for love and belonging. Let yourself be seen, who you are, without shame. Take a chance, and feel the miracle of connection. But you gotta love yourself first, and know who you are, so if it doesn’t work, you can just move on, with gratitude that you can feel as much as you feel.

And So I Am

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m still angry this morning.  At hm for continuing to push his agenda that I clearly stated I didn’t want. For months I have stated it. For months he has continued.  The last time he came to me with the understanding that we’d spend the day together.  And then he changed his mind in the morning, and left me.   Disrespect.  Selfishness.  Egocentric.  UGH.

I’m angry at myself, for continuing to offer him my whole self, when it clearly was not wanted or appreciated.  For not walking away for good.  Oh I walked, many times, and when he’d pull me back, I’d willingly go, like some hypnotized zombie.  That’s not who I am.

I wrote just yesterday, that if I’m gonna miss him then let me miss him and get over it and move on, or have the longing fulfilled.  I will, without a doubt, get over it and move on.  Because that’s what I do.  I don’t waste a lot of time grieving over what never could be.  I’ll give it all I have, to make it work.  Once I come to terms with the reality that it will never work, I’ll walk and never look back.  I’m about 100 miles away now, with a lot more walking in front of me, and the view is lovely,.

I sent him a text last night, telling him not to try to reach me.  To find a hooker if he’s horny (because that way he can have sex with no attachment).  Then I blocked him, just to make sure I wasn’t disturbed.

Maybe he won’t try.  I hope.  I  hope he goes off and does his “being free” thing.  That’s what I’m gong to do.  Be free until I find someone who wants what I have to offer, and offers what I want to have.  I know he’s out there somewhere.

Just to prove my point, I got a text from A yesterday, who is staying in the Michigan UP, and has very erratic phone service.  He said, “I miss wishing you good morning and good night every day.  It’s just such a nice way to start and end a day.”

WTF was I doing, attaching myself to someone who is incapable of a thought like that?

This is how I sit with my anger.  I write about it, and then it disappears.  Ok, vent over for now.  I may have one or two more as I continue my walk, but eventually, I’ll be back in that happy place all the time.